How did your friendship turn into an affair?

[thummper]

Keep it up, starglider, keep it up. You've welcomed this other guy back into your life and hell with your hubby. Why don't you just admit you've got the hots for him and you're going to keep messing around until you've managed to screw up your marriage. Then you can spend all the time you want to with *sigh* HIM!!! I feel badly for your husband. He doesn't know he's about to lose his wife to just another typical homewrecker.

Edited January 19, 2015 by thummper

[starglider]

Thank you, DKT3 and thummper,

 

I did need another reality check. You both helped. I do feel back on track with my husband and home. Our daughter stayed with us watching movies through the evening, so that is the only reason I didn't discuss it with him last night. I feel ready to do so next time we are alone.

 

I regret earlier having kept the door open as a friend the the man of my OP and to be an ear when I broke NC. I did hear from him yesterday that things are "still pretty rough" for him. Don't know if this is related to the earlier comment about his holidays being "tragic" but it is likely related to his finances or his home life. But it doesn't matter, really, in the end.

 

I feel fully clear that I'm not the one to help with his personal issues, whatever they are. I have to focus on my own family's issues. This is a big step for me as I have poor boundaries in being over-invested in other people's dreams or difficulties.

 

I told him I was sorry things were rough, told him I wouldn't reach out anymore, wished him the best from afar, and thanked him for the birthday wishes.

[starglider]

All Done!

 

Told my husband that I had an infatuation, crush, emotional connection to someone and asked if he knew who, and he did immediately. The great part of the conversation was that my husband was irked, but quickly found it hilarious and thinks the guy is such a loser and can't figure out how he gets so many women to fall for him. My husband is very handsome, much more than the OM, but that never factored in because I explained it was an emotional connection. But yes, as DTK3 saw it, this guy is a player, probably a serial cheater. H and I did put it together that my girl friends at work clearly do have crushes on him, as well as another married woman I know.

 

"I'm sure he has all of you texting in your car alone to him, worrying about him" and this made me laugh and was so embarrassing at the same time. "Oh, he can build boats, he is a song writer, he's so sensitive, he loves reading, he walks in to work making you all laugh, doing his schtick, he loves that you all love him, you all love his posts on FB ...."

 

Once I woke up to the fact that many of my girl friends do seem to be in love with him (I could see the pain in their eyes when I was telling them about our encounters "he seriously takes you by the hand when you walked down those stairs together!!??"), and I saw that a lot of my other girl friends he met through me just went to see him at his most recent show, this all started to fall into place. It is also so funny to realize that the handful of pictures from my party that he liked were all of groups of women. I'm sure all of us thought this was a special message to us individually.

 

H and I do have work to do on our marriage. But this ridiculous episode seems to be clearly over. I didn't tell him about the "I love you" portion of our last conversation because he'd truly go over and punch him in the face. I just don't think I need this to happen and I did disclose that OM really had been in my heart in a way I shouldn't have let him come, so that H can see why I felt the need to disclose it and he said he was glad I did.

 

We agree it was a reminder that we have things to fix in the marriage. For someone dealing with depression, it was a great outcome that my recounting of the story ultimately made us laugh.

 

Thank you all of you for your help, your comments, your criticism. I'm back on track.

[thirtysomethingteen]

Woo hoo, way to go starglider!!! It sure takes away the rush and the excitement away now that it's no longer a secret, doesn't it?

 

And I'll bet hearing your hubby laugh was a real wake up call as to how ridiculous and transparent this other guy's moves really were.

 

When I confessed to my husband his reaction was similar and he was so insightful about the OM's pickup lines and techniques that it really helped me see him for the player he was. Aren't you glad you didn't allow yourself to get played starglider? I sure am!

 

Let the other women act like asses fawning over him. The OM I was once so enamored with still has another woman following him around like a puppy and treating the other women around like her competition...all over a man who is married anyway and will never leave his wife. Why any of us fall for it is increasingly becoming a mystery to me.

 

Best of luck to you are your husband going forward. :-)

[thummper]

All Done!

 

Told my husband that I had an infatuation, crush, emotional connection to someone and asked if he knew who, and he did immediately. The great part of the conversation was that my husband was irked, but quickly found it hilarious and thinks the guy is such a loser and can't figure out how he gets so many women to fall for him. My husband is very handsome, much more than the OM, but that never factored in because I explained it was an emotional connection. But yes, as DTK3 saw it, this guy is a player, probably a serial cheater. H and I did put it together that my girl friends at work clearly do have crushes on him, as well as another married woman I know.

 

"I'm sure he has all of you texting in your car alone to him, worrying about him" and this made me laugh and was so embarrassing at the same time. "Oh, he can build boats, he is a song writer, he's so sensitive, he loves reading, he walks in to work making you all laugh, doing his schtick, he loves that you all love him, you all love his posts on FB ...."

 

Once I woke up to the fact that many of my girl friends do seem to be in love with him (I could see the pain in their eyes when I was telling them about our encounters "he seriously takes you by the hand when you walked down those stairs together!!??"), and I saw that a lot of my other girl friends he met through me just went to see him at his most recent show, this all started to fall into place. It is also so funny to realize that the handful of pictures from my party that he liked were all of groups of women. I'm sure all of us thought this was a special message to us individually.

 

H and I do have work to do on our marriage. But this ridiculous episode seems to be clearly over. I didn't tell him about the "I love you" portion of our last conversation because he'd truly go over and punch him in the face. I just don't think I need this to happen and I did disclose that OM really had been in my heart in a way I shouldn't have let him come, so that H can see why I felt the need to disclose it and he said he was glad I did.

 

We agree it was a reminder that we have things to fix in the marriage. For someone dealing with depression, it was a great outcome that my recounting of the story ultimately made us laugh.

 

Thank you all of you for your help, your comments, your criticism. I'm back on track.

 

 

Good girl! You won't regret it.

[Confused48]

If you told your H about the ILU, he would be upset enough to punch the OM? Well then you know you have to, right? Not get the OM punched, but be honest with your H as to what has happened. You have made a good start here but what you are doing is called trickle truth.

 

I know the real reason you won't tell has nothing to do with protecting the OM and all with your own need to protect yourself, to do damage control. You know eventually your H will have that same harsh feeling about your ILU to OM that you know will come instantly for your H towards the OM. It will just take time.

 

Sorry to say but affairs suck. Yours was a small one and over now. However, you are not done dealing with the blow back. Not by far.

[DKT3]

If you told your H about the ILU, he would be upset enough to punch the OM? Well then you know you have to, right? Not get the OM punched, but be honest with your H as to what has happened. You have made a good start here but what you are doing is called trickle truth.

 

I know the real reason you won't tell has nothing to do with protecting the OM and all with your own need to protect yourself, to do damage control. You know eventually your H will have that same harsh feeling about your ILU to OM that you know will come instantly for your H towards the OM. It will just take time.

 

Sorry to say but affairs suck. Yours was a small one and over now. However, you are not done dealing with the blow back. Not by far.

 

I'm one for total honesty in these situation, however she wasn't in love with this guy or even loved him so there is really no reason to bring this up she had a crush on a player that's all.

 

Now star, there is more work here, your husband has also become too emotionally vested in his female friend and there is a bigger risk there because of the "lesbian" thing. Neither of them will think much about it until its too late. That also needs to be addressed.

 

PS, I'm proud of you for what its worth, happy that you became another 30something and not just another number for mr weak game.

[harrybrown]

If your H told someone he loved them, would you like to know?

 

You should tell your H and stop protecting and chosing the OM over your H.

 

You might want to consider total honesty in your marriage. So tell your H.

 

You should consider going complete NC with the player even if you have to change your work.

 

For your kids, you should also be thinking about what being selfish and divorce does to them.

 

http://www.yahoo.com/parenting/kids-are-resilient-and-7-other-lies-divorcing-107330654983.html

[Confused48]

I'm one for total honesty in these situation, however she wasn't in love with this guy or even loved him so there is really no reason to bring this up she had a crush on a player that's all.

 

Yes, that is all. So what if he is a player? She fell for it. She wanted it as much as the player at one point, at many points. Just bc they did not consummate it does not change that.

 

So if she had sex with him we would give her a free pass just bc the guy she slept with was a player? Really?

 

How nice. Go and have an affair, just make sure you hook up with a total dirt bag so that you won't feel bad about yourself later. I'm sure your BS will not feel bad either as long as it was a player. Tell him how hot you were for him, so hot for him you breathlessly told him you loved him as you both trembled. So hot for him you had to be talked out of taking the next step by a bunch of strangers on the internet.

 

Yea, he is going to be upset at the OM. You bet! And you, eventually. He deserves to know. But more important you need to tell him for your own sake. Don't rug sweep the truth on yourself.

[BeatsByDirk]

The OM I was once so enamored with still has another woman following him around like a puppy and treating the other women around like her competition...all over a man who is married anyway and will never leave his wife. Why any of us fall for it is increasingly becoming a mystery to me.

 

I just started reading this thread this morning... It was entertaining.

When I got married I kinda got pissed at my wife, not to her face, but I was disappointed because the only friends of mine she liked were the players who get all the women or cheat. I had believed my wife loved me for me and was immune to the standard advances that many Kahk-slingers are known for.

At this point I despised pick-up artist type tactics and didn't believe in them but then learned a few of my own, or at least recognized what I was doing during my enteractions with certain women.

What I realized from the first instance I mentioned and my own realizations about myself was that people are people and respond to sexual attention and sexual vibes but awareness, diligence, and care to the relationship can help thwart the dangers that come when people who are in relationships thrive on validations beyond those that come from our spouse.

I really don't like throwing the emotional affair label on everything. I don't think some fleeting emotional exchange between people who are attracted to each other is wrong.

My personal line is the conversation where someone discloses their feelings or insinuates that there is a desire for more. Once this happens all innocence is lost and the end game of further interactions has been established. It's best to break the relationship if you truly want to protect your primary relationship.

Playing with fire... Yeah! I'm not dead. I was a plumber for 15 years, we burn stuff! I like excitement, I like flirting, I like attention but I also made a commitment so I have to know where the line is and be very diligent about not crossing.

This may not be the line for others and their relationships. I've spoken to my wife about ours and this is what we are comfortable with.

Another reason I quoted that paragraph is because that is a pick up artist move... Create a bidding war! A married man can establish value just by being married, having beautiful children, and being a good conversationalist. Befriending one women in a group can stir interests within the others until the boldest of the group just makes a move. The married man never faces rejection, always has a stable of willing flirtmances to choose from, boosts his ego and protects his guilt by believing he's just a friendly guy and if a women wants him so bad she's willing to forget about his family and initiate he would be an idiot to not go along with it.

What I really wanted to say was. Congratulations on coming clean. I know some people want you to divulge everything and I don't agree. If your husband asks then you don't lie but offering up extra is just dumb and maybe a little selfish. Letting your husband know things got inappropriate, you got caught up in some game, you recognized it, and as of now are trying to use it as warning of where things could go.

Discuss where your friendship boundaries are with your husband that way there will be no guessing on wether you are overstepping or not. If the rules are not written down they are subject to interpretation on both sides (expectations/oversteps). Just because you are married doesn't mean the rules are clear. My marriage has different rules than parents or most of my friends, it's what is working for us. Some people want more strict some want more freedom, it's what works best for you and your partner.

Good job and good luck!

[DKT3]

Yes, that is all. So what if he is a player? She fell for it. She wanted it as much as the player at one point, at many points. Just bc they did not consummate it does not change that.

 

So if she had sex with him we would give her a free pass just bc the guy she slept with was a player? Really?

 

How nice. Go and have an affair, just make sure you hook up with a total dirt bag so that you won't feel bad about yourself later. I'm sure your BS will not feel bad either as long as it was a player. Tell him how hot you were for him, so hot for him you breathlessly told him you loved him as you both trembled. So hot for him you had to be talked out of taking the next step by a bunch of strangers on the internet.

 

Yea, he is going to be upset at the OM. You bet! And you, eventually. He deserves to know. But more important you need to tell him for your own sake. Don't rug sweep the truth on yourself.

 

Listen, your totally missing my point. She isn't, or never was in love with this guy she relied in like because she has a crush and liked the way the rush of it all felt. I think the fact that she has fairly decent boundaries she questioned herself and his motives. She didn't allow herself to get swept away. But she NEVER loved this guy so why would she tell her husband she said she did?

[HereNorThere]

Because it's the truth. It was said, so she should admit. It's no different than lying about sex. She trickle-truthed the situation to her husband to make light of the situation, but if he knew what really happened, he wouldn't think it was so funny.

 

The whole bit about him "punching OM" is really just more gas lighting on her part. She doesn't want to admit that she lying about how deep her feelings really were and possibly much, much more.

 

I suspect her innocent little loveshack posts were just a nice dry run for what she was good to tell hubby. We bought it, so she figures he will too. Little does she know that her husband just got his Jr. Detective badge. He'll put the pieces together soon enough.

[Confused48]

Listen, your totally missing my point. She isn't, or never was in love with this guy she relied in like because she has a crush and liked the way the rush of it all felt. I think the fact that she has fairly decent boundaries she questioned herself and his motives. She didn't allow herself to get swept away. But she NEVER loved this guy so why would she tell her husband she said she did?

 

She says now that the fog is lifting that she does not love him. She can rewrite history and say she never loved him. Fact is she though she did. As much as any one can in an A. If she is ever going to be honest about this that has to come out. It's huge. The fact the two of them are laughing about this incident means the truth has not come out. It's serious and painful stuff. It's just she is hiding the truth. As long as she hides it they will never heal their relationship. It will remain a sham and vulnerable to temptation by either.

 

Others here give her a pass bc there was no sex. Ok, go with that if you like.

[DKT3]

She says now that the fog is lifting that she does not love him. She can rewrite history and say she never loved him. Fact is she though she did. As much as any one can in an A. If she is ever going to be honest about this that has to come out. It's huge. The fact the two of them are laughing about this incident means the truth has not come out. It's serious and painful stuff. It's just she is hiding the truth. As long as she hides it they will never heal their relationship. It will remain a sham and vulnerable to temptation by either.

 

Others here give her a pass bc there was no sex. Ok, go with that if you like.

 

It wasn't fog, she said right from the start that she didn't know why she said it. If she believed she loved him she would know why she said.

 

I'm as hard on WW's as anyone here, at the same time I'm as supportive as anyone when I see progress.

 

Its not hiding anything because its not what she felt, sure she said, I also told my brother I would kill him if he wrecked my car should I run down and turn myself in?

[HereNorThere]

It wasn't fog, she said right from the start that she didn't know why she said it. If she believed she loved him she would know why she said.

 

I'm as hard on WW's as anyone here, at the same time I'm as supportive as anyone when I see progress.

 

Its not hiding anything because its not what she felt, sure she said, I also told my brother I would kill him if he wrecked my car should I run down and turn myself in?

 

So if you and your wife were in this situation (again) you would rather her not tell you that she told the a man she loved him? Fair enough, but I do think most of us would like to know.

 

If the secret is big enough that it could possibly change the complete dynamic of the situation, I think it warrants being discussed. I understand that it would be acceptable for your SO to lie by omission, but I don't think the majority of posters here would agree. We want the absolute truth from out partners, so that we can make the best decisions about our life. My wife telling another man she loved him (regardless of whether she later regretted it) would not be something I would want hidden from me.

 

Congrats on the new baby, btw! I wish you both the best!

[DKT3]

So if you and your wife were in this situation (again) you would rather her not tell you that she told the a man she loved him? Fair enough, but I do think most of us would like to know.

 

If the secret is big enough that it could possibly change the complete dynamic of the situation, I think it warrants being discussed. I understand that it would be acceptable for your SO to lie by omission, but I don't think the majority of posters here would agree. We want the absolute truth from out partners, so that we can make the best decisions about our life. My wife telling another man she loved him (regardless of whether she later regretted it) would not be something I would want hidden from me.

 

Congrats on the new baby, btw! I wish you both the best!

 

Thank you, he is a fat MAN already.

 

Absolute "TRUTH" yes, I just don't think it was true. I don't think its regret, I simply don't believe she meant it.

 

"Well, I said I love you back" do you love him? "Not at all" why did you say it "I don't know, it caught me off balance"

 

What do you get from that conversation?

 

Now, if there was more then a crush behind it and had progressed to meet up and late night text or phone conversations then yes it would be important to share it. It would mean there was true meaning behind it.

[Confused48]

Thank you, he is a fat MAN already.

 

Absolute "TRUTH" yes, I just don't think it was true. I don't think its regret, I simply don't believe she meant it.

 

"Well, I said I love you back" do you love him? "Not at all" why did you say it "I don't know, it caught me off balance"

 

 

How is this any different from a WS who says, I didn't mean to have sex with AP. It just happened. AP pushed for it and I did not resist enough. I did not mean to do it. I regret it. If I could take it back I would.....

 

Truth is she said it.

 

Truth is she said her BS would freak out that she said it. For good reason.

 

Truth is her marriage is a lie till she tells her BS the truth.

[nightmare01]

Just an opinion of a BH standing on one side of the fence and looking at what goes on on the WS side of the fence.

 

It seems to me that at times the "I love you" is part of the fantasy they are living together. First - they are doing the affair and hurting their spouses.. and they have to rationalize to themselves why they are doing it. "Just for the thrill" or "Just for the sex" seems shallow - so saying they are in love with each other and all the rest of the clap-trap that's said like "we should have met earlier in our lives" etc. is just a lie they tell themselves in order to feel ok with what they are doing.

 

Real love is action and a choice. It may contain those dancing on the cloud feelings, but in the end it isn't really about that. Real love is dedication and commitment to the person you choose to be with. Giving up of yourself for the benefit of the other if necessary.

 

Obviously that dedication and commitment is not present in an affair.

 

As I said - just an opinion. YMMV

[starglider]

Yes, to weigh in on the "I love you" comments that I exchanged with the OM, it is true that I uttered the words but said them on automatic pilot and in a fog/trance in response to them being said to me. It had been an infatuation on my part, I'm clear on that now, and that is why I wrote in my OP that he was "in my heart" and made this point clear during disclosure to H. But I never would have applied the word "love" to the feeling I had for him even in my most addictive/high moments. It is such a loaded word that even at the time I couldn't believe I had said it. I didn't say it in a Romantic movie way and didn't feel it that way, I said it while looking down at the table in a neutral way.

 

If I were pining away for him, and felt I had loved him, yes it would be relevant to say to my H. But without the communication and contact, this thing has dried up, I'm happy to say. I have a much better sense of boundaries because of it.

 

Two of the things I've learned from the experience and from reading other threads is that even in an EA there is a fog and a drug-like feeling to it and it certainly affected my normal behavior/judgements/common sense. I've also learned that there is an immediate damage to the marriage because of the energy being put into the EA, and the fact that the EA partner is idealized over the spouse in a way that the spouse can never compete. A fantasy bubble -- this was true.

 

H is doing very well on his meds, I'm happy to say. I'm more engaged and in the present at home, noticing that I feel a happiness to do little things for him (like going downstairs and let the dog in when I'm cozy in bed) because it makes me feel good to see the smile I bring to his face to do something nice, instead of being selfish/lazy and trying to get him to do it and then us probably arguing about it. This is a small but important example of how a WS like myself pulled back from the M during an A (or EA). Six weeks ago during the EA, if the OM had asked me to do some similar chore, I would have done it with total delight and pleasure just because he asked me to, and this is a small but significant example of the betrayal to one's MP when a WP's attention is misdirected to the wrong person.

[HereNorThere]

Yes, to weigh in on the "I love you" comments that I exchanged with the OM, it is true that I uttered the words but said them on automatic pilot and in a fog/trance in response to them being said to me. It had been an infatuation on my part, I'm clear on that now, and that is why I wrote in my OP that he was "in my heart" and made this point clear during disclosure to H. But I never would have applied the word "love" to the feeling I had for him even in my most addictive/high moments. It is such a loaded word that even at the time I couldn't believe I had said it. I didn't say it in a Romantic movie way and didn't feel it that way, I said it while looking down at the table in a neutral way.

 

If I were pining away for him, and felt I had loved him, yes it would be relevant to say to my H. But without the communication and contact, this thing has dried up, I'm happy to say. I have a much better sense of boundaries because of it.

 

Two of the things I've learned from the experience and from reading other threads is that even in an EA there is a fog and a drug-like feeling to it and it certainly affected my normal behavior/judgements/common sense. I've also learned that there is an immediate damage to the marriage because of the energy being put into the EA, and the fact that the EA partner is idealized over the spouse in a way that the spouse can never compete. A fantasy bubble -- this was true.

 

H is doing very well on his meds, I'm happy to say. I'm more engaged and in the present at home, noticing that I feel a happiness to do little things for him (like going downstairs and let the dog in when I'm cozy in bed) because it makes me feel good to see the smile I bring to his face to do something nice, instead of being selfish/lazy and trying to get him to do it and then us probably arguing about it. This is a small but important example of how a WS like myself pulled back from the M during an A (or EA). Six weeks ago during the EA, if the OM had asked me to do some similar chore, I would have done it with total delight and pleasure just because he asked me to, and this is a small but significant example of the betrayal to one's MP when a WP's attention is misdirected to the wrong person.

 

 

Some very insightful realizations there. Keep up the good work.

[Confused48]

Yes, to weigh in on the "I love you" comments that I exchanged with the OM, it is true that I uttered the words but said them on automatic pilot and in a fog/trance in response to them being said to me. It had been an infatuation on my part,

 

How many times have those of us who have been here a while heard this same story with respect to extramarital sex?

 

We were fooling around, I did not mean to let it happen. It just happened. It slipped in. I did not mean it and I did not have an orgasm. I was in a fog.....

 

She put herself in a position that resulted in this, whatever it was. She is now hiding it from her H. That they laugh and joke about it tells me all I need to know.

 

The BH is in the dark about what really happened. I don't even know if telling him she said what she said will be enough to bring him out of the dark but it would be a good start.

 

Could this be the atypical case where a WS sees the error of their ways and corrects themselves without the negative consequences of their BS knowing the truth? Perhaps.

 

In any event, best wishes StarG. Thanks for sharing your story.

[starglider]

The BH is in the dark about what really happened. I don't even know if telling him she said what she said will be enough to bring him out of the dark but it would be a good start.

 

Could this be the atypical case where a WS sees the error of their ways and corrects themselves without the negative consequences of their BS knowing the truth? Perhaps.

 

My H and I are by no means on easy street yet. We talk about the fact that we're in a rough space right now. We talk about the fact that emotional connections are powerful to women, even if it doesn't involve sex. He hasn't asked for more details about how I felt about this man, but I'll share it if he wants to know more. Just because OM is likely a player doesn't mitigate the fact that I did let him into my heart. I don't think I'm white-washing history.

 

H was cooking a big fancy dinner "for my birthday" with a group of people he invited to the event, namely his lesbian friend and her friends. He was very caught up in making it perfect and impressing them all and I was upset that he wasn't really honest with himself if this was for me or his "friend." He and I argued and he said "Should I be inviting your [name of OM] to this instead?" "No, I don't want him to be here. I want my birthday to be with you." And we discussed the fact that I experienced how my feelings for the OM had negatively impacting my relationship with H and my connection to our family. I'm upset with myself for letting this happen. And I'm concerned he is heading toward that route himself. I do want H to have friends - he deserves it. But I wish she wasn't a woman and I wish she hadn't come off of a 10 year relationship and was now very much in an emotionally needy place.

 

So I just want to keep the picture accurate that even though disclosure involved us laughing at the character of the OM, it is still very present and painful to my H and to myself.

[starglider]

Hi to you all.

 

I have an update on my situation but posted it in the separation and divorce forum. Quick version, I'm trying to have the strength to move out and do a trial separation while I figure out what is the future for our marriage.

 

It is hard and sad.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/515927-can-t-believe-i-m-verge-separation-i-m-scared

[road]

You never went NC with the OM so your feelings/addiction to the OM were never allowed to end.

 

 

You know that moving out is not to save your marriage but for you to bang your OM. A trial run while keeping your BH in backup plan mode.

[Cinnimon]

Hi to you all.

 

I have an update on my situation but posted it in the separation and divorce forum. Quick version, I'm trying to have the strength to move out and do a trial separation while I figure out what is the future for our marriage.

 

It is hard and sad.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/515927-can-t-believe-i-m-verge-separation-i-m-scared

 

The whole time I was reading this thread, I kept thinking could it be possible that the other man was going through, dealing with, trying to figure out and work through the same thing in his side? Looks like it might be the case.