How did your friendship turn into an affair?

[Spectre]

First of all, I strongly disagree with those who are saying you are already having an affair. This is NOT an affair yet. Could this situation lead to an affair? Sure. But it DOES NOT HAVE TO. You are in control of yourself (even if you don't feel like it), and you ALWAYS have a choice.

 

It is already more or less an emotional affair so let us not ignore that.

 

To the OP: You have to get this "friend" out of your life for good, cut all contact.

[autumnnight]

The best course of action is to be honest with your H and cut off all contact with this man. The die has been case. There is no going back to being friends. Yes, your H should also end his closeness to this woman, but be very careful not to compare the situations when you confess. You're responsible for you. I'd also recommend him getting some real help for his depression.

[Realist3]

How did your friendship turn into an affair?

 

Pretty much like your experience, and pretty much the way any relationship starts.

 

 

Yes, you are headed down that path, if not on it already. The question you have to ask yourself is are you up for the ride? That decision is up to you. Nobody on this board can tell you what to do. You are where you are for a reason. That reason may or may not be fixable. Whatever you decide, understand that going down the A path will not be a cakewalk; it will add many complications you have never contemplated.

 

With all that said, it can be very rewarding if you handle it right.

[merrmeade]

I'm grateful to this thread for helping me get perspective a story my mother told me about herself. When I was 12 or 13 she told me about a friendship she'd had with a fellow teacher. The personal information included the man's name, that they they'd become friends, teaching in the same department and then traveling to a political event together. She transitioned into a moral generalization related to marital integrity that probably helped her avoid talking about the present. In the course of life, you might develop feelings for someone because of compatibility, personality, interest or sympathy, and these feelings might cross over into romantic feelings. If you are married, you must not let that happen, and you must do something about it if it does. I think there was a hint of an excuse because of hers and my father's famously argumentative history. She also said that there was something wrong with the man's marriage - some kind of sickness or unhappiness. She seemed a little sad, but the 'lesson' she wanted to impart was clear: Married people must act so that feelings, actions and circumstances do not threaten the marriage and the family.

 

After she died, I read a letter she'd written to this man's wife after his funeral. He'd committed suicide a few years after we moved away. The letter was beautiful and touched me at the time. She talked about what a fine, humble, generous soul her husband had been. I remembered the story and life lesson when I was 12. It was a "Bridges of Madison County" moment, but I'll be writing no romance novel.

 

So what's the new perspective? First, my mother, paragon of virtue to everyone, wasn't so innocent or self-aware as I thought. She let feelings for a man develop in the first place. She went on a trip with someone that made her feel that way. She felt some justification and felt she'd lost something. She implied that she and the OM's paths had crossed too late, which implied my father was a mistake. I also wonder if my father knew. I really don't know, and I should. Was she telling me to warn me not to do what she did or as part of reparation to my father? I should know this.

 

Still, she did tell me. And partly because of it, I always had that awareness. There was one occasion where I felt attracted to and flattered by a friend of my husband's when he was away. I got out of the compromising situation that brought us together. I can thank my mother for that in part.

[starglider]

This other guy, to me sounds like a seasoned cheated that is grooming you for an affair. He is already doing the pull push thing. Pulls you in "I love you" then pushes by not contacting you. This allows you mind to an emotional connection. "Why hasn't he connected me" so when he does your so excited you forget everything else.

 

DKT3, this is an interesting insight. I've seen this phrase about "grooming for an affair" but don't fully understand it. But I do know the concept of the pick up artist and have to admit he has some of these traits ... the "kino" light touching when we are talking, peacocking in terms of his clothes, and his texting patterns seem PUA in terms of that push/pull thing you describe. Alternating between very sweet and quick/dismissive.

 

Yuck!

[starglider]

Merrmeade, that is a touching story. Thank you for sharing it.

[yakamoz]

Hi OP, I am in a similar situation as you, perhaps further in than you. But I am also wondering, if it always leads to PA. I do appreciate people's insight in LS, however, I am wondering if one is always self aware, is it possible to hold on to that friendship without going PA? My close friendship (probably an EA) has been going on for the last 3 years. When I posted here way back when, I was given the same warning and the certainty that it will turn PA. Well, it hasn't. I can't go NC with him because he is my boss. So my close relationship with him is still ongoing.

 

My H is an old fashioned guy. He really doesn't care about my emotional friendship with my boss. He would only care if this goes PA and he trusts me on that (we did talk about it). It really hasn't affected our M - I still have good sex life with my H, we still get along great, no fights or arguments and still spend lot of quality time together. So my H has no reason to be jealous. Most conversations I have with my boss, I come home and tell my H about it.

 

On the other hand, when I am at work, I am consumed with my boss. We have great work relation but also a very close personal relationship. We spend lot of time together and share many personal information. We do have a very strong physical attraction but I am very careful about not putting myself in a situation where I may be tempted(this thanks to all those warnings i got in LS) I know he has issues in his M but I don't believe he'll risk everything to be with me. So, while it is painful at times, I am unwilling to give up my relationship with him. I never said "I love you" to him but he knows I have feelings for him and he confirmed it is mutual. I am hoping this doesn't need to turn into a disaster since it has been this way for such a long time. I am really not out to hurt anyone and when I try to go LC, it has a devastating effect on me. I get sad and depressed and feel totally out of control. I simply don't understand why I have such an emotional attachment to this guy but after 3 years I stopped trying to figure out. I just need to make sure it doesn't go PA.

 

Having said that, LS has been helpful to me and if your EA has a chance of turning PA, then it is best to go NC. It doesn't seem like you need to work with your OM so NC would be easier.

[starglider]

I am wondering if one is always self aware, is it possible to hold on to that friendship without going PA?

 

Yakamoz, thanks for your story. My question for you is do your thoughts of your boss stay with you when you are with your husband? In other words, do you compartmentalize the two men in your life so you are always living in the present moment with each one of them, or do your close feelings for your boss permeate the moments you spend with your husband?

 

In my case, I probably wouldn't even have come to LS if I was able to compartmentalize my feelings for my friend. If I just felt the closeness I do with him and enjoyed our conversations (and hugs), then felt fully present and in love with my husband, this probably wouldn't have been an issue for me.

 

I think my warning signs are the escalations (the "I love you" and times we end up being alone together outside of work where I don't even know how that happened) and the fact that he is in my thoughts when I'm with my family.

 

Again, curious about your ability to compartmentalize the two.

 

Thanks

[autumnnight]

 

The answer to this is no. If you have gotten to the point that you have to be aware and make a point NOT to cross the line, the line has already been crossed. The only honorable option and the only one that is respectful of your spouse and marriage is to cut off the friendship.

 

That statement usually results in protests of "that's not fair!" Then the question becomes:

 

What is more important to you, your marriage and your spouse or a friendship that is flirting with danger? The answer to that question SHOULD be easy.

[Rainbowlove]

I also think by calling the reslationship a "friendship" is minimizing the danger it represents to your marriages.

 

An honest friendship representing clear, appropriate boundaries does not harm your marriage, nor is there concern about crossing lines.

 

These are not friendships, they are affairs.

 

Call a spade, a spade.

 

Now, end it. It is going to hurt like heck. It is going to cause depression and confusion bc you've been relying on an emotional need from someone other than your spouse and when they are gone, you have to fill that void and unmet needs elsewhere...by looking inward and facing what's missing in your marriages and yourselves.

 

These OM are distracting you from what's really the problem.

 

I'm not judging. Been there and done that.

[DKT3]

[quoteI am wondering if one is always self aware, is it possible to hold on to that friendship without going PA?

 

The answer to this is no. If you have gotten to the point that you have to be aware and make a point NOT to cross the line, the line has already been crossed. The only honorable option and the only one that is respectful of your spouse and marriage is to cut off the friendship.

 

That statement usually results in protests of "that's not fair!" Then the question becomes:

 

What is more important to you, your marriage and your spouse or a friendship that is flirting with danger? The answer to that question SHOULD be easy.

 

The problem is many don't see it as a chioce. "Why can't I have both". Starglider has already set the table and the food is ready to eat. She has done so with delusions and denial. She has her justifications lined up and she is simply waiting for the OM to close the deal.

 

Once it has become physical, and it will, she will fall on the default excuse "I never intended on this, I wasn't looking for this" which is bull. She is intending on it NOW she is looking for it NOW. If she wasn't it would be a none factor, as she would have told OM that his profession of love was out of line and they are both married. Instead she returned the sentiment and now eagerly awaits his next contact. If it wasn't what she wanted she would tell her husband that the other man has been inappropriate, instead she hides it and allows this connection to grow in darkness.

 

Starglider, you can only control your actions. If you don't want this affair to progress to a point of no return then it won't. In order to have that power you have to admit NOW that it is within your control and anything that does or doesn't happen will be because its want you wanted to happen. Own it. If you end up in bed with OM it will be because you wanted it. If you never do, then its because you wanted to honor your husband and placed your marriage above it. Its really that simple.

Edited January 2, 2015 by DKT3

[Spectre]

Hi OP, I am in a similar situation as you, perhaps further in than you. But I am also wondering, if it always leads to PA. I do appreciate people's insight in LS, however, I am wondering if one is always self aware, is it possible to hold on to that friendship without going PA? My close friendship (probably an EA) has been going on for the last 3 years. When I posted here way back when, I was given the same warning and the certainty that it will turn PA. Well, it hasn't. I can't go NC with him because he is my boss. So my close relationship with him is still ongoing.

 

My H is an old fashioned guy. He really doesn't care about my emotional friendship with my boss. He would only care if this goes PA and he trusts me on that (we did talk about it). It really hasn't affected our M - I still have good sex life with my H, we still get along great, no fights or arguments and still spend lot of quality time together. So my H has no reason to be jealous. Most conversations I have with my boss, I come home and tell my H about it.

 

On the other hand, when I am at work, I am consumed with my boss. We have great work relation but also a very close personal relationship. We spend lot of time together and share many personal information. We do have a very strong physical attraction but I am very careful about not putting myself in a situation where I may be tempted(this thanks to all those warnings i got in LS) I know he has issues in his M but I don't believe he'll risk everything to be with me. So, while it is painful at times, I am unwilling to give up my relationship with him. I never said "I love you" to him but he knows I have feelings for him and he confirmed it is mutual. I am hoping this doesn't need to turn into a disaster since it has been this way for such a long time. I am really not out to hurt anyone and when I try to go LC, it has a devastating effect on me. I get sad and depressed and feel totally out of control. I simply don't understand why I have such an emotional attachment to this guy but after 3 years I stopped trying to figure out. I just need to make sure it doesn't go PA.

 

Having said that, LS has been helpful to me and if your EA has a chance of turning PA, then it is best to go NC. It doesn't seem like you need to work with your OM so NC would be easier.

 

It really sounds like you are playing with fire and should switch jobs. One sentence you wrote says it all "when I am at work I am consumed with my boss" that is..not healthy. You have an unhealthy relationship with your boss and you seem to realize it, but you don't want to do anything about it. This is not a good sign.

 

I am not married, but I'd be crushed horribly if my gf said she was "consumed" with her boss whenever she was at work.

[yakamoz]

Yakamoz, thanks for your story. My question for you is do your thoughts of your boss stay with you when you are with your husband? In other words, do you compartmentalize the two men in your life so you are always living in the present moment with each one of them, or do your close feelings for your boss permeate the moments you spend with your husband?

 

In my case, I probably wouldn't even have come to LS if I was able to compartmentalize my feelings for my friend. If I just felt the closeness I do with him and enjoyed our conversations (and hugs), then felt fully present and in love with my husband, this probably wouldn't have been an issue for me.

 

I think my warning signs are the escalations (the "I love you" and times we end up being alone together outside of work where I don't even know how that happened) and the fact that he is in my thoughts when I'm with my family.

 

Again, curious about your ability to compartmentalize the two.

 

Thanks

 

Well, I am not sure I compartmentalize well either, it has been painful few years for me but I do love my H. I think about my OM when I am at home but I make a conscious effort to push him out of my mind and concentrate.

I also have certain rules at work - like I don't ever stay late if we are the only two staying over at work; I spent many hours in his office but never ever behind closed doors; I don't go out for drinks after work even with a group if he is going to be there and we don't contact each other outside of work. Now, I also get help from OM on this, he follows my lead and despite he is physically attracted to me, he hasn't made any moves. So, this is how it has been for the last 3 years.

 

 

I know most people feel you can't be in love with two people but I disagree with it. It feels like my mind is divided into two - I do love both and don't want to lose them. I figured a while back that PA would simply make this impossible so I stay away. However, I am not sure if any of this would work if my OM decided to aggressively pursue me. So far he hasn't and things seem to work, how long? I don't know.

[starglider]

Once it has become physical, and it will, she will fall on the default excuse "I never intended on this, I wasn't looking for this" which is bull. She is intending on it NOW she is looking for it NOW. If she wasn't it would be a none factor, as she would have told OM that his profession of love was out of line and they are both married.

 

I don't think this is accurate to how I'm feeling. I do know that I feel/felt a specific emotion of caring for him - for his well being and wanting him to have good things happen to him in his life as a creative/artistic person and for his family - people I know. My use of the term that he's "in my heart" wasn't in a physical/sexual way. I also didn't and still don't really understand his feelings back to me. At times his character seems kind and sincere, witnessing how he treats me and others, at other times it seems immature, and I guess needy. Ego needs, I suppose, and now I see the danger of fueling them with my admiration for his work.

 

So I was truly caught off guard to hear him say "...and I love you" in the context of listing ways he appreciated working with me and interacting with me. I was surprised to hear him use the term "love" as it is so loaded. I would have done back flips to have avoided ever saying it in the context of him, and yet I did immediately say it back. I was in disbelief that he said it, but honestly had some relief that the feelings of caring weren't all a projection on my part alone. I tried to say it neutrally, crazy as that sounds, without making eye contact, sort of in the context of "yes, you are in my heart too" and maybe I should have said that instead "love." It is true I wasn't immediately thinking of my husband or family at that moment. Had I been, I could have clearly stated this was inappropriate for both of our lives and to our families to talk and interact this way. All I can say is it was a "wow, me too" response.

 

It is after the shock of this exchange that I realize we are on the brink of crossing an inappropriate line (and maybe it did happen earlier as an EA, but again, I couldn't tell if the feelings of specialness or his attentiveness to me was just his demeanor as a working style or if had deeper feelings for me).

 

So I'm trying to reframe this to say I don't think either of us are on a deterministic path to a PA. I don't think there is any way we would have kissed that night. Our hugs in the past feel platonic, not a precursor to a kiss.

 

Maybe I shouldn't have posted this in the infidelity section. Or maybe I'm down playing this situation in my own mind.

[yakamoz]

It really sounds like you are playing with fire and should switch jobs. One sentence you wrote says it all "when I am at work I am consumed with my boss" that is..not healthy. You have an unhealthy relationship with your boss and you seem to realize it, but you don't want to do anything about it. This is not a good sign.

 

I am not married, but I'd be crushed horribly if my gf said she was "consumed" with her boss whenever she was at work.

 

Spectre - I didn't mean to give the impression that I think all this is fine because I know it is not. I know how unhealthy it is. My issue is after 3 years of fighting with myself, I have simply given up trying to figure this out. It isn't that I don't want to do anything, I just ran out of solutions (I don't post often but my posts are filled with the agony I went thru about this situation) Currently, I feel the only thing I can do is to prevent this from going PA because I know I can't deal with that and neither could my H. I can't change jobs right now but I have a chance to move to another unit in about 8 months. So, I figure I have been doing this for 3 years, I think I can manage the issue for another 8 months. My OM cares for me and we both know we can't deal with a full blown A.

 

 

DKT - Why are you so certain it will go PA?

[yakamoz]

So I was truly caught off guard to hear him say "...and I love you" in the context of listing ways he appreciated working with me and interacting with me. I was surprised to hear him use the term "love" as it is so loaded. I would have done back flips to have avoided ever saying it in the context of him, and yet I did immediately say it back. I was in disbelief that he said it, but honestly had some relief that the feelings of caring weren't all a projection on my part alone. I tried to say it neutrally, crazy as that sounds, without making eye contact, sort of in the context of "yes, you are in my heart too" and maybe I should have said that instead "love." It is true I wasn't immediately thinking of my husband or family at that moment. Had I been, I could have clearly stated this was inappropriate for both of our lives and to our families to talk and interact this way. All I can say is it was a "wow, me too" response..

 

Perhaps he didn't intended as a romantic declaration but more of a friendly statement. My OM said "I love you" to me twice - once as a joke and once in a context of me moving to another unit and that he would miss me. In both occasions I chose not to respond.

[starglider]

Perhaps he didn't intended as a romantic declaration but more of a friendly statement.

 

True, that he has a friendly way of giving compliments in the past, with a lively tone and big smile saying "You are SO awesome!" etc. but this time his tone of voice was very different.

 

After going through a list of things he liked about working with and being with me this year, he paused, took a breath and said " ... and ... I love you, [my name]" and it his delivery was very serious, deliberate, said in a low voice, his voice shaking even a little.

 

So this is what caught me off guard. It did feel like a declaration.

[autumnnight]

I don't think this is accurate to how I'm feeling. I do know that I feel/felt a specific emotion of caring for him - for his well being and wanting him to have good things happen to him in his life as a creative/artistic person and for his family - people I know. My use of the term that he's "in my heart" wasn't in a physical/sexual way. I also didn't and still don't really understand his feelings back to me. At times his character seems kind and sincere, witnessing how he treats me and others, at other times it seems immature, and I guess needy. Ego needs, I suppose, and now I see the danger of fueling them with my admiration for his work.

 

So I was truly caught off guard to hear him say "...and I love you" in the context of listing ways he appreciated working with me and interacting with me. I was surprised to hear him use the term "love" as it is so loaded. I would have done back flips to have avoided ever saying it in the context of him, and yet I did immediately say it back. I was in disbelief that he said it, but honestly had some relief that the feelings of caring weren't all a projection on my part alone. I tried to say it neutrally, crazy as that sounds, without making eye contact, sort of in the context of "yes, you are in my heart too" and maybe I should have said that instead "love." It is true I wasn't immediately thinking of my husband or family at that moment. Had I been, I could have clearly stated this was inappropriate for both of our lives and to our families to talk and interact this way. All I can say is it was a "wow, me too" response.

 

It is after the shock of this exchange that I realize we are on the brink of crossing an inappropriate line (and maybe it did happen earlier as an EA, but again, I couldn't tell if the feelings of specialness or his attentiveness to me was just his demeanor as a working style or if had deeper feelings for me).

 

So I'm trying to reframe this to say I don't think either of us are on a deterministic path to a PA. I don't think there is any way we would have kissed that night. Our hugs in the past feel platonic, not a precursor to a kiss.

 

Maybe I shouldn't have posted this in the infidelity section. Or maybe I'm down playing this situation in my own mind.

 

That's a lot of maybes.

 

The only thing that ISN'T a maybe is the fact that this friendship needs to be over. Completely. Absolutely.

[DKT3]

Spectre - I didn't mean to give the impression that I think all this is fine because I know it is not. I know how unhealthy it is. My issue is after 3 years of fighting with myself, I have simply given up trying to figure this out. It isn't that I don't want to do anything, I just ran out of solutions (I don't post often but my posts are filled with the agony I went thru about this situation) Currently, I feel the only thing I can do is to prevent this from going PA because I know I can't deal with that and neither could my H. I can't change jobs right now but I have a chance to move to another unit in about 8 months. So, I figure I have been doing this for 3 years, I think I can manage the issue for another 8 months. My OM cares for me and we both know we can't deal with a full blown A.

 

 

DKT - Why are you so certain it will go PA?

 

Because its what she wants. If she didn't she wouldn't be asking how you get there.

 

If there was a book about how to become a wayward wife she would be following it to a tee. As I said its all set now right down to the denial that OM is a cheater, which he clearly seems to be, and he is grooming her. Oddly enough she actually can see it, but her desire for him is making her question his motives. He wouldn't, would he? He didn't mean it, did he?

 

On top of that she is laying out her justifactions, well hubby has a special friend too, our sex life is lacking, we fight all the time.

 

Starglider its really simple, your a married woman who has allowed another man to cross the line. If you don't want it to happen then stop it. Tell him he was out of line, then tell your husband what he said. Shine the light on this thing. No excuses, no minimizing. I don't think you will do any of that. 1) because you seem to enjoy it 2) it would being attention to it and in a sense end it.

 

For the sake of two families I hope I'm wrong.

[Furious]

True, that he has a friendly way of giving compliments in the past, with a lively tone and big smile saying "You are SO awesome!" etc. but this time his tone of voice was very different.

 

After going through a list of things he liked about working with and being with me this year, he paused, took a breath and said " ... and ... I love you, [my name]" and it his delivery was very serious, deliberate, said in a low voice, his voice shaking even a little.

 

So this is what caught me off guard. It did feel like a declaration.

 

 

How about letting his wife know he told you he loves you in a low shaking voice, and see where it goes from there. I know this may sound harsh, but you know this is a situation that can only grow from secrecy and that if given the light of day it would be nipped in the bud fairly quickly.

 

How about, you tell him you've left your husband and you want him to leave his wife for you. You may be suprised his bones will shaking instead of his voice,

 

Seriously, is this worth the potential damage to both your families if you allow this to become an affair. You're an adult, a mother, is this something you'd want for your kids. Do you have any empathy for your husband and this man's wife and children, how do you wrap your mind around hurting others who have not done you any harm.

 

Seriously, snap out of it. Is this infatuation worth risking hurting your own family?

Edited January 3, 2015 by Furious

[Midwestmissy]

you sound like you're very flattered and boosted by the attention - that's not a criticism btw. My wh acted like that, and I'll tell you it broke my heart. To figure out that he was infatuated with an employee was awful. I remember the day I felt him leave the marriage even though I didn't know about the ow. Fast forward a year, he has ended the pa (I'm still unaware) and my kids find an old email from the mow. And their world blew up. Their dad is a cheater, and that is the story of their family now. The amount of pain he caused all of us was bigger than any fun his 6 mos with her gave him. Her family suffered as well. Then she came came unhinged. This never ends well.

[Confused48]

Oh my. I did not know about the shaking voice thing. That is very meaningful. The OP, like many women, can not conceive of the fact that this man very much wants to make a move on her but is afraid of rejection. She sees him as a strong confident person and he likely is in every aspect of his life, except when it comes to closing the deal on sex with a new woman for the first time. She thinks he is trying to be honorable, hell no. He is just afraid of rejection. If he only knew how wet between the knees she was for him he would have already closed this deal. As soon as she lets on she is hot for him he is going to put the full court press on and she will melt for it like butter to a hot knife.

[starglider]

you sound like you're very flattered and boosted by the attention - that's not a criticism btw. My wh acted like that, and I'll tell you it broke my heart.

 

Midwestmissy, I am so sorry. I think you are right that I am flattered and boosted by the attention, which I recognize is terribly immature on my part. If it is any consolation, it is sobering to hear your words and helps splash water on my face to wake up from this infatuation.

 

It is helping me that we the man I've written about and I have not been in contact since a few days before Christmas. The most helpful part of it is no texting. I think that everything spiked in terms of negative impact when we started texting. It did something to my brain chemistry to hear that double buzz on my phone. I can step back and be a bit more clear about the fog without the addiction of our texts.

 

I wonder if the brain chemistry imbalance almost blocks the receptors to empathy during the addictive part of an EA. I'm just trying to sit back and observe and analyze my reactions these past few days, and that is my only guess why empathy for his wife/child and my husband/child has not been the natural deterrent I'd have imagined it would be for most people who aren't sociopaths. Or the brain chemistry flares up a selfish, immediate wants + the internal rationalization-generator more than the empathy receptors.

 

If the ID is driven into the PA, I can see the Ego is driven into the EA (and probably the PA too). The Super-Ego, or conscience, isn't standing up loud and clear enough in this warped state.

 

Your words cut through to me, so thank you.

[starglider]

She thinks he is trying to be honorable, hell no. He is just afraid of rejection.

 

Confused 48 - I don't know if he's afraid of rejection, maybe, or if he's a seasoned cheater as DKT3 suggests (somewhat convincingly - that post did make me think of red flags I've observed but dismissed), or if he is surprised/ashamed to be in this position now ... who knows.

 

I do feel better though and more detached from the situation and really do feel no good would come from a PA.

 

I'm probably in a comfortable limbo, because we're in NC but neither of us set up the formal NC statement. So I'm getting my sanity back now. I'm not in the depression state which will come when the finality of end hits me - I think whoever of us issues the NC "don't ever contact me again" statement will trigger that. It is easier if it just fizzles out.

 

Already told my H I'd like to start MC. He was upset and freaked out a little but agreed. So for now, I feel better than I have in quite a while.

[Midwestmissy]

Good luck, I really hope you figure this out, sometimes the written word sounds cold, but I'm being sincere. Remember that you're eating twinkies and other junk food. There's no nutrition in it, no longevity. Put time into the wonderful home cooked meals that require love and time and effort and you will be a healthier person and have a better marriage. I really wish my idiot had put the energy into us instead of a disordered mess. They didn't love each other and weren't going to leave their spouses. Yay them. Her true colours came out after the end of the affair - seems this wasn't her first rodeo and being dumped wasnt something what normally happened to her. Her h wasn't impressed either. And my wh just buried his head in the sand like a coward instead of manning up. Run away and be a person of integrity - model excellent behavior. My teens are so angry and have lost respect for their dad - do you think they will forget that? When they fib or screw up a commitment, he has no recourse in being upset with them, they flip out. They should be in awe of their father, not scoffing shaking their heads and walking away in tears.