How did your friendship turn into an affair?

[Spectre]

Spectre - I didn't mean to give the impression that I think all this is fine because I know it is not. I know how unhealthy it is. My issue is after 3 years of fighting with myself, I have simply given up trying to figure this out. It isn't that I don't want to do anything, I just ran out of solutions (I don't post often but my posts are filled with the agony I went thru about this situation) Currently, I feel the only thing I can do is to prevent this from going PA because I know I can't deal with that and neither could my H. I can't change jobs right now but I have a chance to move to another unit in about 8 months. So, I figure I have been doing this for 3 years, I think I can manage the issue for another 8 months. My OM cares for me and we both know we can't deal with a full blown A.

 

 

DKT - Why are you so certain it will go PA?

 

This just sounds wrong, essentially like saying "well I will just engage in an emotional affair for the next 8 months, no biggy!"

[sunburned]

This is perhaps the most common precursor to an affair. You are both assuming the roles here of affair partners.. you are soaking up his masterful male energy and he is feeling powerful and grooming you for betrayal. Either subconsciously or consciously.

 

Appreciate wrote that and I agree. It's sort of what happened to me ... not to diminish my own active involvement. Don't be me! Don't compromise your most important role as wife and mother. It's precious. I never had a Dday, but I still feel ruined by my own short A. Most married APs come on here and say they never thought they'd be the type to cheat but ... then you find out you are type. It is a crushing realization.

 

 

Affairs are flamed by contact and communication. Reduce the amount of both and you greatly reduce the chance for an A. H and I were also at a marital low point, but the M wasn't bad at all. Once the A started, however, it really drove in the wedge between us. We fought more, I trumped up reasons to be angry, etc. My married AP had been texting/emailing on occasion as we were involved in a civic/community thing together and one of his kids was friendly with one of mine. We had been friends for a decade. But as this town project and our kids prompted more time together, the texting amped up and it really fueled the entire relationship. Same as you -- I would get excited over the text "ping." I went from respected Mom/MD/Little League coach to a salivating, simpering Pavlovian dog.

 

 

You said you haven't had contact pre-Christmas. That's good. I'm going to disagree slightly with the crowd. I don't think you need a grand, dramatic NC letter or conversation. You said there's no reason to work together anymore so just stop contacting. If he contacts you, answer if it's legit but keep it short/professional. If it gets too personal/friendly, just don't answer. It's OK to feel flattered or to feel a little ego boost. But as I have written here many times, it's not the attraction that's bad. That's normal. It's what you do with it that matters. It's what ultimately defines you.

 

 

Another poster said he may put on the full court press if he knows you are smitten with him too. Don't be flattered. Be insulted. It means he thinks you're the type to cheat.

Edited January 4, 2015 by sunburned
correcting attribution

[starglider]

Affairs are flamed by contact and communication. Reduce the amount of both and you greatly reduce the chance for an A.

 

Thank you, Sunburned - I think this is so true! It is a world of difference not to be texting with him. I will definitely think twice about ever getting into the pattern of texting with another man again ... even though it started off work-related.

 

Loved your "In Praise of Distance" post and poem by Dorothy Parker. So fitting for my situation now.

 

Glad to hear your advice on future contact that doesn't involve the formal NC statement. I think we're both there.

[Furious]

Confused 48 - I don't know if he's afraid of rejection, maybe, or if he's a seasoned cheater as DKT3 suggests (somewhat convincingly - that post did make me think of red flags I've observed but dismissed), or if he is surprised/ashamed to be in this position now ... who knows.

 

I do feel better though and more detached from the situation and really do feel no good would come from a PA.

 

I'm probably in a comfortable limbo, because we're in NC but neither of us set up the formal NC statement. So I'm getting my sanity back now. I'm not in the depression state which will come when the finality of end hits me - I think whoever of us issues the NC "don't ever contact me again" statement will trigger that. It is easier if it just fizzles out.

 

Already told my H I'd like to start MC. He was upset and freaked out a little but agreed. So for now, I feel better than I have in quite a while.

 

 

 

MC is redundant if you are not honest, do not waste your finances on trying to fix something if you're a liar. The. Fact you insist on marriage counselling and yet are not truthful illuminates your lack of character.

[nightmare01]

Ok. Personal story here.

 

About 2 years after I married my wife I met a beautiful woman at work. We worked closely together and started taking breaks and lunches together. Our conversations turned away from work subjects and became more personal. My wife and I were having some problems at the time, and this woman was also having trouble in her relationship with her boyfriend.

 

Our talks became more intimate. Then one day she offered me sex.

 

I really wanted to be with her.. and initially I went along with the idea (but nothing had happened yet). Still though the guilt of my own thoughts were driving me crazy.

 

In the end I cut it off with this woman, and steered clear of her at work. I also told my wife as a way to be sure that I would not get pulled back into the affair relationship.

 

Of course my wife took it hard, but we worked through it.

 

There's a choice that happens in the course of a relationship between two people who are attracted to each other. The choice to either take it further, or to back away because you know it's wrong.

 

I chose to back away and not take the relationship any further. Unfortunately many years later my wife had a similar relationship develop at her work, and she did not make the same choice I did.

[thirtysomethingteen]

I wonder if the brain chemistry imbalance almost blocks the receptors to empathy during the addictive part of an EA. I'm just trying to sit back and observe and analyze my reactions these past few days, and that is my only guess why empathy for his wife/child and my husband/child has not been the natural deterrent I'd have imagined it would be for most people who aren't sociopaths. Or the brain chemistry flares up a selfish, immediate wants + the internal rationalization-generator more than the empathy receptors.

 

If the ID is driven into the PA, I can see the Ego is driven into the EA (and probably the PA too). The Super-Ego, or conscience, isn't standing up loud and clear enough in this warped state.

 

I have wondered about this myself. I am normally a very empathetic person, even towards those who don't necessarily even deserve empathy, and yet during my EA I did not have a fraction of the empathy I normally would have towards my H and the OM's wife and children. All I ever thought about was me and him. The good news (at least if you don't have an affair that is) is that your empathy will return once you emerge from the fog and the dopamine high that is currently feeding you wears off.

 

I agree that just letting communication with this man just fade to black is best under the circumstances. I don't see having a dramatic "we can't see or talk to each other any more" talk as helping under the circumstances - it would only fan the flames.

 

Like you, to this day I have no idea if the OM was like me - someone who got caught up in a mutual attraction he never saw coming - or a player and habitual cheater. I do suspect that he has an addictive personality that drives his behavior though. At the end of the day though, it is thankfully not my problem, just as whatever drives this guy is not yours.

[starglider]

Well the pain of disengagement has sunk in for me.

 

I did break NC with my friend (or EA or maybe was this all in my head?) because I was so uneasy with the state at which things were left (the OP). Asked him via text how his holidays were. Got a cryptic response: "Tragic .. You?" Didn't know what to make of this. An attempt to be funny/sarcastic? It felt kind of hostile. His wife had just liked something I posted on FB so I didn't think there was any family blow up about our last encounter. Texted that I hoped he meant that ["Tragic"] absurdly, no midnight visits to for the pets to the ER he answered "no, no. it's okay." I felt like I was being played (push-pull exchange as I saw it) but also had a bit of concern that there was something serious happening.

 

Next day we had an exchange were it came out that he's in tough financial shape. Naive as it sounds, I did feel the pull of friendship to want to lend an ear to his earlier text, and that's when he pulled away, noting he has to keep "hustling" for work. (Just seeing his word choice added to my layers of distrust). Still don't know if that is what was "tragic." As friends we used to talk a lot about our respective businesses and business plans and goals. My work friends think he and I are "great friends" on the one hand but probably have crushes on each other that will go away if we stay professional. They say "of course you guys have to stay friends- it is rare to have the friendship you have these days" and suggested I try to normalize things with him. And they also point out he is a good resource we want to keep for the future for work. They suggested I have him stop by the public work space for coffee. They heard the story of my OP and can't figure it out either - is it his personality, a declaration, or what. One of my friends thinks these exchanges are all "dramatic" on his part and can't interpret anything about them, but thinks we can normalize things nonetheless. That's what I did, suggest he come to the work space for coffee sometime, and he said he'd love to but went into the "I'm strapped financially" and had to keep hustling this week. I said I was sorry and just wanted to be a friend, concerned about his "tragic" comment, and he said "Thx" and later "/I appreciate it."

 

In any event, the friendship feels over or on the way out, not normalized. This all is just really hard and sad to me, in part because I do want to improve things with my husband, and it is in part because I don't like the roller coaster. To go from the last encounter, where I did feel so happy to hear that he authentically cared about me, to this point is tough. I don't know if he's playing with me, if he's backing away with integrity, if he's a narcisstic, if he's hurt, if he genuinely felt there was nothing odd about our last encounter, or if I'm over-analyzing it.

 

But a big red flag went off for me to see his response "Tragic .." that was so confusing when we were already in a strange state in our friendship. So whatever his reality is with the situation, it is messing with my head and I have to get unhooked from the infatuation. I think he's clearly pulling back too.

 

Working on things with my husband and I think I'll eventually open up about all of this that happened. We had an argument and when I asked why he stays with me he said "because I love you" with such sincerity and openness that it melted my heart. It gave me hope for us if I step up my efforts to connect again.

 

However, my H is still spending a lot of time with his lesbian friend. It is hard for me and I've told him. He is sorry it is making me sad but feels he has a right to have a friend, "a buddy," when he's been living up here without any people he likes to hang out with for so long. "You have friends, I need to have a friend too." [Yes, I have to read the "Not Just Friends" Book.] And it did make me sad to realize I did probably loose a friendship that probably put tension into my marriage, and to see that my husband is on this path himself now too.

 

Sad day.

[DKT3]

This is a truly sad story. I fear that you won't stop until you've ruined your marriage and your deeply into a full blown affair.

 

I'm know 100% convinced this guy is a serial cheater. The whole "money trouble" thing is classic, right behind "she won't have sex with me"

 

I see very little hope you will be able to pull yourself out of this before its too late. The more you try to understand his motivation the more vested you become in him.

 

Make all the BS excuses about "friendship" you want, your flat out interested in exploring the what ifs with this guy. Its not about attention, its about replacement. Seeing a better option and going for it.

 

So very sad, since its with a serial cheater. Good luck with that.

[Confused48]

This is a truly sad story. I fear that you won't stop until you've ruined your marriage and your deeply into a full blown affair.

 

I'm know 100% convinced this guy is a serial cheater. The whole "money trouble" thing is classic, right behind "she won't have sex with me"

 

I see very little hope you will be able to pull yourself out of this before its too late. The more you try to understand his motivation the more vested you become in him.

 

Make all the BS excuses about "friendship" you want, your flat out interested in exploring the what ifs with this guy. Its not about attention, its about replacement. Seeing a better option and going for it.

 

So very sad, since its with a serial cheater. Good luck with that.

 

DKT - You could be right, but I think not. I think the guy might be pulling back even more than the OP. The OP is asking him to come for coffee and he said no. Cheers to him for that and boo's to the OP. Plus he only responded to a text. She initiated a text to the OP! Holy cow! She should let him have some space or he might decide to act in a way she does not expect and that she would not be prepared to resist.

 

But for the OP, read what DKT says, carefully. This is what your BH is going to be thinking about you. Whether it is true or not it will be what he imagines is true. You won't be able to persuade him otherwise.

[mikethemechanic]

Read the book TOO CLOSE TO SOON it states that couples who spend 300 hours alone together are likely to have sex. Reality is the average marital couple spends 2.7 hours per day with each other. Leaving little to wonder why office relationships turn sexual.

[harrybrown]

Have you shared with your H that you told this OM that you loved him?

 

Think for a minute if the roles were reversed. If he told someone other than you, his wife that he loved her.

 

You should be thinking about that and realize how bad that sounds. If you can't share this with your H or your kids, you should not be doing it.

 

You should also share this with his wife. How would she like it?

 

You are in deep. Go NC now before you ruin any peace and happiness you could try to have with your family.

[DKT3]

DKT - You could be right, but I think not. I think the guy might be pulling back even more than the OP. The OP is asking him to come for coffee and he said no. Cheers to him for that and boo's to the OP. Plus he only responded to a text. She initiated a text to the OP! Holy cow! She should let him have some space or he might decide to act in a way she does not expect and that she would not be prepared to resist.

 

But for the OP, read what DKT says, carefully. This is what your BH is going to be thinking about you. Whether it is true or not it will be what he imagines is true. You won't be able to persuade him otherwise.

 

If you google how to seduce a married woman you will find tons of information. In all the information there is something you find that is common with them all, that is never allow them to see you coming. If you open with "my goal is to have a sexual affair with you" it ends with rejection. However if you walk two steps then back off one you can hold her interest. This guy is seasoned, and she is falling into place.

 

On this site you will find very often debates about the WS's intent prior to the affair. Often the WS says, I never intended this to happen. BS most often disagree. OP is in that stage NOW, her actions say she is intending on an affair, however her mental approach is she is looking for friendship. We can all see she wants more, intellectually she can understand that, emotionally she is already attached so she is over ruling her mind. She continues to push and ignore all the signs. She does this by 1) using her husbands friendship and depression 2) convincing herself she wants nothing but friendship even while admitting this has gone beyond friendship.

 

Mark my word, MM will contact her and when he does she will jump at the chance. The easy way out is the hardest way. It means she has to do two things she doesn't want to do in this order 1) cut off her so called friendship with a man that at heart she sees a her next mate. 2) tell her husband.

 

I honestly don't see this ending well.

 

30something came here some time ago with the twin to this story. She like OP was deep in a fog already, however every once in a while she would lash out in anger. Bad right? Not at all. That anger was a sign that despite what she was saying, she was starting to understand that this guy wasn't really her friend and really was a love interest. Once she admitted that to herself she was able to put up a fence around her marriage and gain some distance. As long as OP is playing the "friendzone game" she continues to put her marriage in danger.

 

Wake up Star.

[starglider]

Thank you, everyone and DKT3,

 

It is sinking in that my marriage is on the brink. Had an argument with my H today and he is upset that I'm not interested in his opinion, in hearing him talk, or in him in general. This was important to hear and to get it. I looked at him and said I am interested and I do care and I want to be more interested.

 

I see why he feels this as a direct result of the fact that my thoughts, attention, my delight has been misdirected toward another man.

 

I get it that it isn't a friendship when my interactions with another man have caused me to withdraw from my husband.

 

I see that NC isn't just about breaking addictive romantic sentiments to another, but about creating a space to hone in on my family again. I see that LC just adds to drama and wondering "what did these words/actions mean?"

 

I'm waking up to this all.

 

Thank you. Hope some readers will be rooting for me and my marriage and my ability navigate in a completely different direction moving forward.

 

And to eventually disclose what has happened.

[Midwestmissy]

I'm rooting for you. It makes my knees buckle to think about what my h put into a dead end affair when we were waiting for him at home. When he hurt me with lies and the emotional abuse necessary to keep up this game, he hurt the kids too, deeply. His ap didn't judge him he said. Duh. He was applauded for being immoral, quite a hook. His close relationships with our teens has become nonexistent - they have no respect for him. Imagine your kids looking at you with disgust, knowing what you did. He thought he was in control, total boss, but he couldn't control the ap, the other bs, how the fall out would affect so many. It's yucky. So now he has regret not only for a stupid 6mo pa, but for the horrific way he has handled the rest of it. Piles of regrets. I really am rooting for you.

[thirtysomethingteen]

If you google how to seduce a married woman you will find tons of information. In all the information there is something you find that is common with them all, that is never allow them to see you coming. If you open with "my goal is to have a sexual affair with you" it ends with rejection. However if you walk two steps then back off one you can hold her interest. This guy is seasoned, and she is falling into place.

 

On this site you will find very often debates about the WS's intent prior to the affair. Often the WS says, I never intended this to happen. BS most often disagree. OP is in that stage NOW, her actions say she is intending on an affair, however her mental approach is she is looking for friendship. We can all see she wants more, intellectually she can understand that, emotionally she is already attached so she is over ruling her mind. She continues to push and ignore all the signs. She does this by 1) using her husbands friendship and depression 2) convincing herself she wants nothing but friendship even while admitting this has gone beyond friendship.

 

Mark my word, MM will contact her and when he does she will jump at the chance. The easy way out is the hardest way. It means she has to do two things she doesn't want to do in this order 1) cut off her so called friendship with a man that at heart she sees a her next mate. 2) tell her husband.

 

I honestly don't see this ending well.

 

30something came here some time ago with the twin to this story. She like OP was deep in a fog already, however every once in a while she would lash out in anger. Bad right? Not at all. That anger was a sign that despite what she was saying, she was starting to understand that this guy wasn't really her friend and really was a love interest. Once she admitted that to herself she was able to put up a fence around her marriage and gain some distance. As long as OP is playing the "friendzone game" she continues to put her marriage in danger.

 

Wake up Star.

 

Oh wow do I remember that anger - indeed it played a big part in finally jolting me awake! I was left to ask myself whether I would have ever flipped out like that at any other "friend" and the answer was NO! But then I didn't put my other friends up on a pedestal or expect them to be my everything.

 

My anger was also a big wake up call in that if I was capable of that level of anger and hurt over a misunderstanding, how was I going to feel if and when we had an affair and the OM threw me under the bus and denied our relationship to save his marriage, his family and his reputation?

 

I gradually stopped treating my husband like a second class citizen in my life and started making an effort to work on my marriage and what a huge difference it made. Instead of dating the OM under the guise of friendship I started dating my own husband and realized how much I enjoy his company. I am forever thankful that I didn't destroy my marriage.

[thirtysomethingteen]

Thank you, everyone and DKT3,

 

It is sinking in that my marriage is on the brink. Had an argument with my H today and he is upset that I'm not interested in his opinion, in hearing him talk, or in him in general. This was important to hear and to get it. I looked at him and said I am interested and I do care and I want to be more interested.

 

I see why he feels this as a direct result of the fact that my thoughts, attention, my delight has been misdirected toward another man.

 

I get it that it isn't a friendship when my interactions with another man have caused me to withdraw from my husband.

 

I see that NC isn't just about breaking addictive romantic sentiments to another, but about creating a space to hone in on my family again. I see that LC just adds to drama and wondering "what did these words/actions mean?"

 

I'm waking up to this all.

 

Thank you. Hope some readers will be rooting for me and my marriage and my ability navigate in a completely different direction moving forward.

 

And to eventually disclose what has happened.

 

I am rooting for you star!! And yes, your feelings for the OM are definitely negatively impacting your intetactions with your husband.

 

I was cleaning out a purse I used this summer the other day and found some things I'd written down about my husband with the intention of sharing them with my therapist. Wow, what an eye opener. I had listed every single unfortunate thing that had happened to me since meeting my husband then placed the blame for all of them 100% on his shoulders - this includes acts of god and things that were entirely my own doing. My writings were truly the delusional ramblings of a crazy woman.

 

Speaking of therapists, I would suggest you see one too - both as an individual and with your husband.

 

I also can't recommend strongly enough that you and your husband get away together, even just for a few nights. Dating each other works wonders.

[AlecKayani]

I'm curious how your friendship turned into an affair. Especially for people who didn't think of themselves as the types who would ever have affairs.

 

I guess I'm wondering if I'm at risk myself...

 

Never thought of myself as the type to cheat (and haven't had a PA). I've been with my husband 15 years. A sweet man, kind soul, but he's depressed, stalling on taking action over depression, our sex like has suffered, he's irritable with me and our child I believe because of the depression. Despite him not feeling like himself, he cares about my happiness and has integrity and is trying to cope. But we end up arguing a lot over stupid things.

 

I don't think the other man who is "in my heart" now is the cheating type either. He's married, and is a father. He seems like a good person who wants to do the right thing and my sense is he is a friendly guy who has never cheated.

 

We both worked on a project together. I felt special and cared for by him during stress of the work. I was probably an ego boost to him as I lite up in his presence and he seemed masterful in my eyes.

 

No real need to see each other professionally anymore more. But we've extended the encounters, drawn things out, transitioned to being friends a bit. Last time we worked alone together, he was summarizing nice things about our work together and in the end slipped in "and I love you, [insert my name]" in a deliberate, straight forward voice.

 

I wasn't looking at him when he said this, but was staring down at the table. I continued looking down and said it back to him. I think we half-hugged briefly, awkwardly, I was seated and he was standing, and then we finished the work at hand.

 

I was inclined to think this was an infatuation of mine and that it was 95% in my head. Now I'm confused.

 

This forum has mostly helped me steer away from wanting a PA because posters sound so out of control and miserable during the affair fog. Like an addictive episode. I still have time to step back.

 

I feel at peace to know that I'm in his heart too. Just knowing this feels like it could be enough for me and that I could walk away now, but who knows when and if I see him again what would happen. I'd probably pretend nothing happened and just pick up as friends.

 

 

My dear friend,

 

Don't ever think that it'll be "enough" for you and you can just walk away if you let it go longer. The more you wait the worse it'll get, believe me.

 

Separate yourself from this as soon as you can before it gets a hold of you and you regret it.

 

Regards,

 

Alec

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"To err is human, to forgive is divine"

I can help you find an way

 

www.howtoforgiveacheater.com

[Mr. Lucky]

And to eventually disclose what has happened.

 

If your marriage is indeed on the brink, recovery isn't a journey you can take alone. And your husband can't buy in unless he understands what's happened and its effect on you and your relationship. It also seems cruel to ask him to participate in the work required to get to a better place and then drop the bomb on him.

 

In other words, he's gotta know everything...

 

Mr. Lucky

[starglider]

If your marriage is indeed on the brink, recovery isn't a journey you can take alone. And your husband can't buy in unless he understands what's happened and its effect on you and your relationship. It also seems cruel to ask him to participate in the work required to get to a better place and then drop the bomb on him.

 

In other words, he's gotta know everything...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

I am at a quandary here because I agree with you but my H just started taking anti-depression medicine 3 days ago. I know it takes about 4-6 weeks to really make the transition to life on meds (getting through side effects and having the dosage adjusted) based on my former job studying patients on meds. My plan is to try to just be there to support him on the meds and do whatever it takes to show him my love and support and engagement. I am privately grieving the loss of the EA partner, but trying to get thoughts of him out of my mind when I'm with my family. If I see a mental image of fEA, I try to substitute my H's face after a trigger.

 

I'll probably pursue IC this month but not follow up on MC for a couple of months. My H is a perceptive guy and may have figured out my feelings for the OM. This is not to minimize the impact he'll have upon hearing that we said "I love you" to each other. I don't know if the EA will hurt more than news of a ONS would. I just think it is so important for him to finally be on meds and this is why I'm delaying the disclosure.

[harrybrown]

Don't wait too long.

 

Your H needs to know. How can he work to fix this, if you have not gone NC with the OM?

 

You need to get the OM out of your thoughts. He is a player and will play with you and with someone else.

 

He is using you and wants one thing. You know what he wants.

[merrmeade]

How do you explain to your husband waiting because you decided he wasn't ready to hear it? How many more decisions will you make for him about things that impact him more than anyone else, even you? When will you really take responsibility for your actions and realize that by making decisions about how or when you reveal the knowledge of your betrayal, you're trying to control his reaction and protect yourself? You are not sorry enough yet and you will not be until you SEE the suffering you have already caused. It doesn't matter that he doesn't know yet. By waiting, you are adding to it.

 

It is inevitable. You cannot avoid it, so don't postpone your treatment for being a lying, deceptive, controlling manipulator and get the truth out on the table, all of it. You don't deserve or get to decide whether or not he can handle it.

[merrmeade]

... don't postpone your treatment for being a lying, deceptive, controlling manipulator and get the truth out on the table, all of it. You don't deserve or get to decide whether or not he can handle it.

That was a bit harsh. I realize that you probably haven't taken ownership yet for all your actions. You haven't yet seen the damage that they will do to your husband. You haven't processed all the ethical nuances of all the repercussions. So, if it's easier to accept, delete "for being a lying, deceptive, controlling manipulator" with my apologies for not editing better. Only because you haven't hit rock bottom yet and aren't yet convinced you don't deserve this little side validation of your wonderfulness lovableness that your sad co-worker gives you... Oops! There I go again! Ok, stopping now.

[atreides]

 

I get it that it isn't a friendship when my interactions with another man have caused me to withdraw from my husband.

 

 

A lot has been said, i would like to reiterate the above which is so much to the point.

 

So many confuse what a friend is and a romantic interest. I know of too many that have best friends, me included with the opposite sex since very young, myself 8 years old. Never have any romantic or attractiveness come across.

 

The moment you feel attraction, the pursuit of the relationship is built on a rush and romantic interest regardless of what we tell ourselves. It feels good to pursue, the rush, the addiction, but we tell ourselves "this is harmless i have not done anything and won't" which is denial, the basis of addiction.

 

"Friend" is so tossed around that I question the value of the word in this thread and if there is any delineation whatsoever. A friend is so much more than what i have read.

 

I have learned that "friend" especially with waywards is CYA speak.

Edited January 16, 2015 by atreides

[starglider]

This is going to annoy you all … apologies in advance, but I'm still waffling on was this an EA or is it a projection on my part and all in my head.

 

As an update, my husband is on his anti-depression meds and has been for maybe a week or so. He has side effects of chills, fatigue, some social anxiety. It is getting a little better. He felt too anxious to go out with my folks the other night so we cancelled that, but a few days later he made it half way through my b-day party with my friends before he left early.

 

Most of the advise you all have given me has been to go NC with the man of my OP. I felt we were in it because we've only been in touch via text for two short exchanges two days in a row. So for almost a month we've been NC and that was getting easier and better. My brain and heart were coming back to my life at home.

 

This man and I had also been NC via Facebook too, where our shared friends and I have noticed he has hardly posted a word this month (he used to be a huge broadcaster). But a few days ago he initiated contact with me via FB and suggested he stop by my work to wish me Happy Birthday in person and said he was sorry about being so absent. This made me anxious. Then he liked some of the birthday photos I posted with our shared work friends - together we all were a team. It gave me the illusion things were just normal and that all of this strangeness was in my head.

 

Our shared friends now tend to think it wasn't strange, the "love" conversation and imply I'm projecting weirdness onto this now, even suggesting I was wrong not to invite him to my party, "remember you are talking about a friend, not a love interest," one friend said. It makes me feel pathetic, ashamed, self-loathing, angry. "He's depressed," she continued "you need to be a friend for him as he was to you when he helped you through the project." I listened to her, I tried to write a normalizing FB message to him about work. Didn't hear back. Regret it big time.

 

All these emotions drew me away from thoughts of my husband, though. He is the one I know is depressed. He is the one whose depression must be my concern, not another man's. My H had been in my thoughts very fully again until this last episode. I may FINALLY talk to my husband about all of this tonight.

 

Sorry to disappoint.

[DKT3]

I fear your still looking to justify this thing so you can continue to engage (explore) a relationship with OM. Of course this was and is an emotional affair. You know and everyone that has read this thread knows it. Your simply hanging on to what your friend is saying because its what you want to hear.