After The Affair

[Pocky]

So as not to hijack the other thread, I will answer your questions here, Owl.

 

And I'm REALLY curious about this...so is your husband completely, 100% secure and totally comfortable in a belief that you will NEVER do something like this again?

 

I can't say that he's completely 100% secure that I would never do something like this again. There has to be some bit of doubt that will always be there. There has to be some part of him that keeps track of things mentally and looks for signs to see if our relationship is fading like it did right before the affair. Hell, I still keep track mentally of the signs that were present in our relationship while it was fading. However, I think that we both understand that we came close to losing something that is extraordinary and I think we value our relationship more than we ever did. I think we both value our love more than we ever did. I think we both accept our imperfections, we both understand each other a little more and we both respect each other a little more.

 

I honestly don't think I could ever do it again. The emotional stress I acquired during the affair was more than I ever wanted to experience in my life. I don't want to do it again.

 

That you would tell him the absolute truth if another affair started?

 

I would have to say I would. Probably as a way to stop it from happening. Looking back now, I see it as my biggest mistake. My biggest flaw on my character. I see it as my biggest sin. And not a sin in a Christian context, but a sin against what is right. A sin against the respect that I should have had for my husband, my marriage and myself.

 

And he's totally comfortable with you maintaining friendships/relationships even with other guys that he's totally not part of?

 

As far as I know, yes. He did not demand that I end the friendship or stop talking to the OM. He doesn't monitor my friendships or conversations (although I'm not in contact with the OM and haven't been for a few months). I would have to say that if I suddenly started spending time out with newly formed male friends he may expect an invitation to assuage any concerns he has. However, from where I stand I believe he trusts me.

 

If so, you got one helluva keeper there, lady! More power to you!

 

I believe I am an extremely lucky person. Extremely. I'll never take it for granted.

[Owl]

Interesting, Pocky. And thanks for starting the new thread...I should have thought of that as well. It does sound to me as though your circumstances were pretty unique, compared to what I've experienced/seen/heard/read about.

 

Recognize too that while I'm sure from your perspective I come across as an ogre with wanting to have a relationship where there should be no secrets, I actually have a great relationship with my wife and family. I have always respected my wife as much as I love her. Even when her affair came out, I was angry, I was hurt, I was betrayed...but I still treated her like a human being. And once I was really aware of what she felt was lacking in our marriage, I gladly took the steps to fix them, even not knowing for sure if she would stay or not at the time. Because she is an awesome woman. And we share a partnership, not a dictatorship.

 

I guess that I'm not sure yet how to define between secrets and privacy, at least when it comes to communication with other people, or money matter, or things along those lines. To me, if my wife isn't comfortable with sharing a conversation she's having with someone else, that's like keeping a secret. I cannot imagine any conversation, email, any type of communication that I have with ANYONE as being something that I would not discuss with her if she was interested. Especially if that conversation was with a woman...because I know that if I DID want to keep a conversation like that private from my wife, she would be damned uncomfortable about it. And if knowing that she could see my posts here would reassure her that everything is fine between us, and it would help her better understand me, and what I'm feeling and doing, then I can't imagine not letting her see it. Heck, I've INVITED her to come to LS...but she's not willing to, mostly I think due to her embarassment and guilt over what happened.

 

At any rate, I'm glad that things are going well for you. And I hope that Fyre can find a workable solution to her situation as well.