Happy 2015. Hoping for a better year..

[Blu72]

Sitting here just rehashing how I got here after 4 years of an on/off affair. The highs and lows have been nothing I have ever experienced and I wonder how I let myself believe any of it was actually worth it. But I apparently convinced myself of this because I'm still in this after 4 years. I was in contact with MM most of the day today except when it mattered at midnight ringing in the New Year. It's just a reminder of how difficult this is and how it should be over and should have never began in the first place.

 

Hoping this year I have more strength to move past this and him. I know it begins with me, he will never give this up so I know I will have to be firm and mean it. Just getting there 100% has been hard.

[Josmatjes]

Try to focus on this new year being a new you! Your life will always be like this unless YOU make the changes. Write down some goals you want to accomplish and set out to do it. Get your mind off of him.

Remember this, you are good enough to sleep with but not kiss at midnight! That's not fair to you at all. You deserve better!

[GirlStillStrong]

Time to get busy living the life you want to live. The more time, attention, and resources you devote to yourself, your dreams and your goals, the less you have available to throw away on some guy who has chosen you to help him cheat on his wife. It's also much easier when you stop believing the fantasy (the future faking) and the magical thinking (how you're his soulmate etc), and get real. You can do it.

[still_an_Angel]

Sitting here just rehashing how I got here after 4 years of an on/off affair. The highs and lows have been nothing I have ever experienced and I wonder how I let myself believe any of it was actually worth it. But I apparently convinced myself of this because I'm still in this after 4 years. I was in contact with MM most of the day today except when it mattered at midnight ringing in the New Year. It's just a reminder of how difficult this is and how it should be over and should have never began in the first place.

 

Hoping this year I have more strength to move past this and him. I know it begins with me, he will never give this up so I know I will have to be firm and mean it. Just getting there 100% has been hard.

 

 

 

Happy New Year Blu72, I hope you find that strength you need to walk away, how long have you been thinking about ending your A?

[Blu72]

Happy New Year Blu72, I hope you find that strength you need to walk away, how long have you been thinking about ending your A?

 

Long story short - we both are married and the affair started at work. I've known him for 15 years having worked for the same company for 12 (he has been working for another company the last 3 years). He started pursuing me out of the blue one year so I was kinda caught off guard cause it was unexpected. Obviously I ended up giving into it and it's been an on/off thing between us since. We never future fake and there are no ILYs although I am in love with him and I believe he feels the same. Last year after being 'together' ,right before Xmas, we ended up going through a break of sorts where neither one if us contacted each other for a month. He finally reached out and I was just so over the round and round that I responded coldly. We went another 3 weeks till I reached out to him. That Jan I had given myself personal goals about health/fitness and not putting up with bs from people mainly him. I even expressed to him that he probably wouldn't like the 2014 me cause I was not going to be a doormat for people. I reached some of my personal goals - lost weight and this has been the best I've ever looked and felt. As much as I had hoped I would have been strong enough to end this last year, we are still in this thing, in fact 2014 was the strongest the affair has been. Went entirely in the wrong direction. So here I sit, new year again wanting to end this. I just have to figure out how to do it without falling back into this with him because that makes it so much harder. He fundamentally is a good person and I take as much blame for this mess so it's just hard to figure out how to end this in a way as to not hurt him. Thanks for listening and for the responses. It helps.

Edited January 1, 2015 by Blu72

[Karmacharm]

Long story short - we both are married and the affair started at work. I've known him for 15 years having worked for the same company for 12 (he has been working for another company the last 3 years). He started pursuing me out of the blue one year so I was kinda caught off guard cause it was unexpected. Obviously I ended up giving into it and it's been an on/off thing between us since. We never future fake and there are no ILYs although I am in love with him and I believe he feels the same. Last year after being 'together' ,right before Xmas, we ended up going through a break of sorts where neither one if us contacted each other for a month. He finally reached out and I was just so over the round and round that I responded coldly. We went another 3 weeks till I reached out to him. That Jan I had given myself personal goals about health/fitness and not putting up with bs from people mainly him. I even expressed to him that he probably wouldn't like the 2014 me cause I was not going to be a doormat for people. I reached some of my personal goals - lost weight and this has been the best I've ever looked and felt. As much as I had hoped I would have been strong enough to end this last year, we are still in this thing, in fact 2014 was the strongest the affair has been. Went entirely in the wrong direction. So here I sit, new year again wanting to end this. I just have to figure out how to do it without falling back into this with him because that makes it so much harder. He fundamentally is a good person and I take as much blame for this mess so it's just hard to figure out how to end this in a way as to not hurt him. Thanks for listening and for the responses. It helps.

 

Blu72, no matter how you end this, you AND him will be hurt, believe me. But, you will also feel a sense of relief after you do this. I'll give it to you straight - you will feel free and relieved - believe me. You know the Nike saying "Just Do It" - well, do it and feel 100% lighter. It's a wonderful feeling.

[Blu72]

Blu72, no matter how you end this, you AND him will be hurt, believe me. But, you will also feel a sense of relief after you do this. I'll give it to you straight - you will feel free and relieved - believe me. You know the Nike saying "Just Do It" - well, do it and feel 100% lighter. It's a wonderful feeling.

 

Everything you say is spot on and my head knows that I just wish my heart would catch up. And there are days when I really think I'm strong enough to end it and I tell myself I am ready, but obviously I fail miserably with the follow thru. I know I just have to rip the bandaid off and just do it. But after 4 years of this, it makes it harder because of the length of how long this has been going on. All excuses though - I know this. So pathetic.

[Cressida]

Not to digress from your message, but as the title points, I'd like to wish everyone a happy 2015, may this one be the first best from many bests to come, may all our wishes come true, may we have peace, happiness and prosperity, and may we come here to post about good things only

 

Happy New Year everyone! Love y'all, you guys!

[I'mNotYours]

Not to digress from your message, but as the title points, I'd like to wish everyone a happy 2015, may this one be the first best from many bests to come, may all our wishes come true, may we have peace, happiness and prosperity, and may we come here to post about good things only

 

Happy New Year everyone! Love y'all, you guys!

 

Happy New Year to you too! And to everyone else reading this...may you get the love you truly deserve

[Mal78]

Sitting here just rehashing how I got here after 4 years of an on/off affair. The highs and lows have been nothing I have ever experienced and I wonder how I let myself believe any of it was actually worth it. But I apparently convinced myself of this because I'm still in this after 4 years. I was in contact with MM most of the day today except when it mattered at midnight ringing in the New Year. It's just a reminder of how difficult this is and how it should be over and should have never began in the first place.

 

Hoping this year I have more strength to move past this and him. I know it begins with me, he will never give this up so I know I will have to be firm and mean it. Just getting there 100% has been hard.

 

I really hope you find the peace in 2015 you are looking for!!

 

Off track here with a question... We know that having affairs have real consequences. I mean REAL devastating, atom bomb type consequences. Could you not set up some consequences for mutually ending this A?

 

I think you have tried (with no success) to end this on your own. How has it worked for you thus far? How about going about it from another approach? You know you can't maintain a friendship after all this... right? That should not be an option so please take that out of the equation.

 

I would sit down with this MM and let him know this is what is about to shake. You will set some serious boundaries and those boundaries will have serious consequences if they are broken. Such as you WILL confront his wife if they are not respected. Let him know you are serious and whatever you do... DON'T BACK DOWN. He is the master at manipulating you! Don't give it to him. Stand your ground. Walk away completely.

 

If you are serious about making this year better for you then make it real because you know very well that thus far it hasn't been. He is comfortable in trusting you to keeping the secret and allowing him to have both worlds.

[Blu72]

I really hope you find the peace in 2015 you are looking for!!

 

Off track here with a question... We know that having affairs have real consequences. I mean REAL devastating, atom bomb type consequences. Could you not set up some consequences for mutually ending this A?

 

I think you have tried (with no success) to end this on your own. How has it worked for you thus far? How about going about it from another approach? You know you can't maintain a friendship after all this... right? That should not be an option so please take that out of the equation.

 

I would sit down with this MM and let him know this is what is about to shake. You will set some serious boundaries and those boundaries will have serious consequences if they are broken. Such as you WILL confront his wife if they are not respected. Let him know you are serious and whatever you do... DON'T BACK DOWN. He is the master at manipulating you! Don't give it to him. Stand your ground. Walk away completely.

 

If you are serious about making this year better for you then make it real because you know very well that thus far it hasn't been. He is comfortable in trusting you to keeping the secret and allowing him to have both worlds.

 

Yes he pursued me and I may have felt manipulated at times, but I have not fooled myself into thinking I did not play a role in this entire mess. This is as much my fault as his for continuing this. He didn't put a gun to my head, I have to own my part in this. I know he won't end this, but I feel he will respect my decision if I choose to end it and will let me go if that's what I want. But for it to stick this time, I have to really want it and mean it or he will be coming around (or attempting to) and I will fall back into our normal status quo. Just when I think I have reached my limit and feel committed to ending this I have a set back and put it off. It's pathetic and I am trying to understand what made me think at the time, even now, this was an 'ok' thing to do. I know it's wrong in so many ways, but yet I still let it happen. How did I become this pathetic person, when I always thought this is something I would never engage in as a human being. It helps to write it out here and actually face these things that are in my head. Now to try and move on to a better place.

[Mal78]

Yes he pursued me and I may have felt manipulated at times, but I have not fooled myself into thinking I did not play a role in this entire mess. This is as much my fault as his for continuing this. He didn't put a gun to my head, I have to own my part in this. I know he won't end this, but I feel he will respect my decision if I choose to end it and will let me go if that's what I want. But for it to stick this time, I have to really want it and mean it or he will be coming around (or attempting to) and I will fall back into our normal status quo. Just when I think I have reached my limit and feel committed to ending this I have a set back and put it off. It's pathetic and I am trying to understand what made me think at the time, even now, this was an 'ok' thing to do. I know it's wrong in so many ways, but yet I still let it happen. How did I become this pathetic person, when I always thought this is something I would never engage in as a human being. It helps to write it out here and actually face these things that are in my head. Now to try and move on to a better place.

 

Oh I know you played a part in this A. I am a BS so reading the OW's perspective is quite therapeutic. You are human, have feelings and get messed up too. Your situation is especially sad to me because although you are very much a participant you are the one loosing while he gets to "have his cake and eat it too". As long as his wife is none the wiser he can enjoy the best of both worlds.

[Blu72]

Oh I know you played a part in this A. I am a BS so reading the OW's perspective is quite therapeutic. You are human, have feelings and get messed up too. Your situation is especially sad to me because although you are very much a participant you are the one loosing while he gets to "have his cake and eat it too". As long as his wife is none the wiser he can enjoy the best of both worlds.

 

Thank you for your honesty and advice. The one thing I am trying differently this time is trying not to play a victim in any of this. Because I'm so not, but it's easy to fool yourself into thinking you've been sucked into all these poor decisions by someone else. But I will never get past this, until I at least admit my part and own it. So sick of feeling sorry for myself. But how do I know that I've truly reached the point where I absolutely am ready to say goodbye for good this time? I thought I was ready in the past, but obviously that was an epic fail. I'm so afraid of starting the process of letting go only to have a major setback - I think that would be more damaging to me all over again.

[Mal78]

Thank you for your honesty and advice. The one thing I am trying differently this time is trying not to play a victim in any of this. Because I'm so not, but it's easy to fool yourself into thinking you've been sucked into all these poor decisions by someone else. But I will never get past this, until I at least admit my part and own it. So sick of feeling sorry for myself. But how do I know that I've truly reached the point where I absolutely am ready to say goodbye for good this time? I thought I was ready in the past, but obviously that was an epic fail. I'm so afraid of starting the process of letting go only to have a major setback - I think that would be more damaging to me all over again.

 

I really think setting the boundaries together (instead of alone, going NC w/o explanation) will help. He will see it as "your usual frenzy" and because he has no reason to anticipate otherwise just wait for you to get over it and come back. Sitting down with him to ONLY discuss these boundaries (no goodbye sex) and letting him know this is what you feel is healthy for you. There is no real future for the two of you. If you can feel content living the rest of your life being the OW then fine. However this is clearly not what you want. Do you want to grow old with someone?

 

I'm sure at the beginning you were fine just being the OW, however things have changed for *you* it has not for him. He will always just value you as the OW and frankly it is cheaper than paying for one. Many men do that too.

 

You are no victim however you are not getting the value you deserve. I hope the best for you.

[Poppy47]

Happy New year Blu.

 

If you are going to stay in the A put him on the fringes of your life .

Where was your husband at midnight?????

 

Cheers,

Poppy