jellybean89 Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 I think OW stay because they see what they want to see. Totally agree. The affair was unquestionably the most drama-filled, epic waste of my time. If I could turn back time... Some of us are slow learners, though, and cause a lot of damage before we figure that out. Excellent comments HBIC. So glad you are no longer living in fantasy land and are healing yourself. It shocks me some times reading these posts where OW will bend reality in every way imaginable to convince themselves that the poor MM just can't leave his wife (finances, kids, pets, etc). How they firmly believe they are the love of MM's life cause he sent them a text saying Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, Happy new year. That the MM would be with them in a heartbeat if the wife would just divorce him...since MM seem incapable of filing for divorce (or as many AP's put it - the MM doesn't want to be the bad guy). I do not understand why so many believe these excuses. I guess better to have a part time person than no person? Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenAxe Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Because I am weak, but I am working on it. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Totally agree. Excellent comments HBIC. So glad you are no longer living in fantasy land and are healing yourself. It shocks me some times reading these posts where OW will bend reality in every way imaginable to convince themselves that the poor MM just can't leave his wife (finances, kids, pets, etc). How they firmly believe they are the love of MM's life cause he sent them a text saying Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, Happy new year. That the MM would be with them in a heartbeat if the wife would just divorce him...since MM seem incapable of filing for divorce (or as many AP's put it - the MM doesn't want to be the bad guy). I do not understand why so many believe these excuses. I guess better to have a part time person than no person? NO. It's not better to have a part time person at all. It's destructive and you soon lose self respect and dignity. I did it for long enough to know. Poppy 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 So then tell your husband what you wrote here, tell him that he is a stale saltine that you've been munching on for years and your MM is a T-bone steak that you want. What's stopping you? Oh wait, he would likely leave and wouldn't be there as plan B when MM doesn't leave his wife. You've already hurt him, and continue to do so because your keeping him there with the impression that you want to make it work. Do you really want him to find someone else? You wanna know what the saddest thing about this is that she has the opportunity to have that steak with her husband, but isn't taking it. The entitlement with some of the people on here as of late is astounding. Not only did they cheat, but it's up to their BSs to win them back and fix the marriage. Yeah her husband might have been crappy, but at least he didn't cheat. Not only that, he took her back and is working on his issues to try and save the marriage. As it stands, her marriage is going to fail. If it happens, her husband can walk away knowing that he gave it his best to improve. Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 I think people stay in affairs because they are quick and easy ways to feel good about themselves. Its like being suspended in the beginning stages of the relationship and never progressing. The drama of it all makes them feel, for many this is a relief from the boredom and numbness that marriage can become. Highs can't be highs without lows. It's exactly the same reason why people feel emotionally played & pain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HBIC Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 It shocks me some times reading these posts where OW will bend reality in every way imaginable to convince themselves that the poor MM just can't leave his wife (finances, kids, pets, etc). How they firmly believe they are the love of MM's life cause he sent them a text saying Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, Happy new year. That the MM would be with them in a heartbeat if the wife would just divorce him...since MM seem incapable of filing for divorce (or as many AP's put it - the MM doesn't want to be the bad guy). I do not understand why so many believe these excuses. I guess better to have a part time person than no person? AP's bend reality to a shocking degree: "Ooooooooooh, MM texted me. Oh, that totally makes up for the fact that he lies to me, sleeps with his wife, has no future with me, and is manipulating me into wasting moments (years!) that I could spend with someone who actually respects me." Yeah. In the end, OW/OM have to take responsibility for allowing themselves to be in these situations. I was REALLY lucky that my friends ferociously attacked my relationship with MM with every fiber of their being. They were unrelenting about how it was an abusive situation. GOD BLESS THEM. Because listening to me justify the nonsense of the A made them physically ill. When the A is over, you look back at what you were involved in and say, "OMG, WTF was that?!" Why do OW/OM stay? Addiction. Delusion. Co-dependency. A fundamental lack of integrity. And major issues with self-worth. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
WakingUp Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 AP's bend reality to a shocking degree: "Ooooooooooh, MM texted me. Oh, that totally makes up for the fact that he lies to me, sleeps with his wife, has no future with me, and is manipulating me into wasting moments (years!) that I could spend with someone who actually respects me." Yeah. In the end, OW/OM have to take responsibility for allowing themselves to be in these situations. I was REALLY lucky that my friends ferociously attacked my relationship with MM with every fiber of their being. They were unrelenting about how it was an abusive situation. GOD BLESS THEM. Because listening to me justify the nonsense of the A made them physically ill. When the A is over, you look back at what you were involved in and say, "OMG, WTF was that?!" Why do OW/OM stay? Addiction. Delusion. Co-dependency. A fundamental lack of integrity. And major issues with self-worth. Totally... yes. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
WakingUp Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 So... another year, another lot of holidays and celebrations spent without the man who supposedly loves me. Here we go again. I just want to say... six years later, it gets worse and worse. Don't go there it is really not worth it. Its been the single most destructive thing I have ever done in my life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HBIC Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 I just want to say... six years later, it gets worse and worse. Its been the single most destructive thing I have ever done in my life. This would be my 2nd thread-jack here (sorry again!), but WakingUp, please start a new thread. I don't care of your affair is 20 years, if you really want out, it is possible to get out. Having skimmed your old threads, my exMM wanted the same deal you are in: post DDay, he continued to try to keep both relationships. I'm convinced that my exMM's wife, after decades of being married to him, has suffered so much manipulation and control that she will probably ride out this lifetime with him no matter what he does, no matter how much he cheats, no matter how cruel he is to her. They are addicted to the drama, the relationship follows abuse cycles, and they are trauma bonded. As for me, I just walked away. Literally. I had looked at the REAL him, gazing through all of the superficial BS on the surface (the meaningless "ILYs," fit exterior, gifts and attention), and what I saw was horrifically ugly. It turned my stomach. And that's why I didn't stay. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 AP's bend reality to a shocking degree: "Ooooooooooh, MM texted me. Oh, that totally makes up for the fact that he lies to me, sleeps with his wife, has no future with me, and is manipulating me into wasting moments (years!) that I could spend with someone who actually respects me." Yeah. In the end, OW/OM have to take responsibility for allowing themselves to be in these situations. I was REALLY lucky that my friends ferociously attacked my relationship with MM with every fiber of their being. They were unrelenting about how it was an abusive situation. GOD BLESS THEM. Because listening to me justify the nonsense of the A made them physically ill. When the A is over, you look back at what you were involved in and say, "OMG, WTF was that?!" Why do OW/OM stay? Addiction. Delusion. Co-dependency. A fundamental lack of integrity. And major issues with self-worth. You have really good friends, but I bet you weren't too happy with them at the time, lol. Many years ago my mom got involved with a creepy man and I kept trying to talk to her and get her to see how crazy it all was, but unfortunately she had 2 lousy/dumb friends who encouraged her behavior and told her what she wanted to hear. So she turned on me, accused me of being jealous and not wanting her to be happy. I was so hurt that she would say those things to me. I was trying to save her because I did want her to be happy. Now she recalls that time of her life with sadness and says that guy was the biggest mistake she ever made. She's also realized that were encouraging and enabling her bad choices were at least as messed as she was and they weren't true friends. Link to post Share on other sites
ashjonaaas Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Because he's hot and I haven't found a replacement yet. I totally agree - but I also feel like we won't find a replacement while we are satisfied with someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
ashjonaaas Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 So... another year, another lot of holidays and celebrations spent without the man who supposedly loves me. Here we go again. I just want to say... six years later, it gets worse and worse. Don't go there it is really not worth it. Its been the single most destructive thing I have ever done in my life. Its addictions to us. As all of us know on here - its not easy to leave as it may seem to be. Link to post Share on other sites
HBIC Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Its addictions to us. As all of us know on here - its not easy to leave as it may seem to be. It's totally an addiction. And if it was easy to leave we all would have left. We all peered into the rabbit hole, jumped in, and then CHOSE to stay in that hole. Nowadays, I ask my friends for immediate help when I'm in danger of relapse. I'm also changing the direction of my life to grow and cut incidental contact with exMM out completely. Remember Joan Jett's "I Hate Myself For Loving You"? Pretty much sums it up. Hugs to y'all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 When the A is over, you look back at what you were involved in and say, "OMG, WTF was that?!" THAT. Pretty sure I'm entering that phase right now. Utter bewilderment is all I can say. It's not that I didn't know what I was doing, believe me, I was 100% conscious the whole time. But it's like you have your head trapped in the clouds. Link to post Share on other sites
Babs22 Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Hi babs, I am 46, 3 kids...been w H for 23 years and your story could be mine ( I read your other posts) I tried to PM you but couldn't figure it out. I get what it's like. You don't want to hurt anybody but you can't go back to the way it was.... It's like eating crackers for years then someone says, here try this steak!! I feel my H needs to find someone who can love him and be attracted to him also ..... Josmatjes, Hi, thanks for your comment and for understanding. You might not be able to PM me as I am not an established member, I've only been here a few days. Thanks for trying to reach out to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 I think the biggest reason you ladies are having a hard time considering your husbands is because you keep comparing your marriages to your affairs. Even if your marriages were good, they would still not compare to an affair. An affair is fantasy. You are giving your partners your best and vice versa. They don't suffer the everyday things marriage does. Even if both you ladies do leave your husbands, any new relationship you have will fail if you keep holding your affairs as a basis for comparison. If you ladies want to continue swallowing blue pills, then by all means do it. If you ever want to have a real relationship, then you are going to have to swallow the red pill and accept that relationships aren't all sunshine and rainbows. My god.... I'm not saying I don't want the steak with my husband! An affair is a fantasy and I know this and believe it or not I am glad it's over. I'm just angry at myself and at mm for saying so many things to me..now maybe all you nasty people who keep shredding me should go .... Yourselves! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Babs22 Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 My god.... I'm not saying I don't want the steak with my husband! An affair is a fantasy and I know this and believe it or not I am glad it's over. I'm just angry at myself and at mm for saying so many things to me..now maybe all you nasty people who keep shredding me should go .... Yourselves! Josmatjes, I know some of the posters on here can be rough. They assume to know so much about us and our situation, when they know so very little. I had to go look up jbrent and his previous posts to figure out where all the anger was coming from. Looks like a very fresh Dday and so he is directing his anger at his wife on to us. We are woman, we have cheated on our husbands, we are evil. He needs a lot of therapy if they are indeed going to work this out. This anger is going to destroy any chance. I am not saying what I am doing is right, I am just saying, every situation is different. Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone. Apparently, jbrent is an angel. More power to him. Being judgmental and angry at people who come here searching for help and advice is not helpful to anyone. Being honest about how he has been personally affected by his wife's infidelity is helpful. It is real, we can read that and understand the pain an A may be causing. Going on the attack does nothing for us or for him, except he can displace his anger somewhere other than where it belongs. This is a safe bet, since he doesn't know us. Since your affair is over, are you and your husband trying to repair your relationship? How is that going? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Josmatjes, I know some of the posters on here can be rough. They assume to know so much about us and our situation, when they know so very little. I had to go look up jbrent and his previous posts to figure out where all the anger was coming from. Looks like a very fresh Dday and so he is directing his anger at his wife on to us. We are woman, we have cheated on our husbands, we are evil. He needs a lot of therapy if they are indeed going to work this out. This anger is going to destroy any chance. I am not saying what I am doing is right, I am just saying, every situation is different. Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone. Apparently, jbrent is an angel. More power to him. Being judgmental and angry at people who come here searching for help and advice is not helpful to anyone. Being honest about how he has been personally affected by his wife's infidelity is helpful. It is real, we can read that and understand the pain an A may be causing. Going on the attack does nothing for us or for him, except he can displace his anger somewhere other than where it belongs. This is a safe bet, since he doesn't know us. Since your affair is over, are you and your husband trying to repair your relationship? How is that going? Babs trust me when I say that there is no vitriol directed towards you. I actually pm'd josmatjes about that and wanted to do the same for you, but you don't have the feature yet. I just stated the simple truth, if you keep comparing your marriages to your affair, then the affair will always win out. The same goes for any relationship from this point forward. I think you know better than anyone that an affair doesn't suffer the negatives that a real relationship has. Level with me here, wouldn't say that comparing your marriage to your affair is a big reason why you don't want your husband anymore? Again, even if your husband was a great guy (your right I don't know if he is or isn't), he would not be able to compete with a fantasy. That's the point I'm trying to make. Please feel free to take it anyway you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 Babs trust me when I say that there is no vitriol directed towards you. I actually pm'd josmatjes about that and wanted to do the same for you, but you don't have the feature yet. I just stated the simple truth, if you keep comparing your marriages to your affair, then the affair will always win out. The same goes for any relationship from this point forward. I think you know better than anyone that an affair doesn't suffer the negatives that a real relationship has. Level with me here, wouldn't say that comparing your marriage to your affair is a big reason why you don't want your husband anymore? Again, even if your husband was a great guy (your right I don't know if he is or isn't), he would not be able to compete with a fantasy. That's the point I'm trying to make. Please feel free to take it anyway you want. Having experienced an affair, I disagree. It has it's ups and downs, it isn't all sunshine and rose petals. There was plenty of real life in it. And having had an affair go to a dating relationship to a marriage, things sustained throughout the years. There was no fantasy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
janetl Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 Answering the original question. Why do you stay? I stayed because what I had with exMM was so special for me; something I have not had in my life. It was unimaginable to give it up. The connection, the loving, the caring; even without sex. Even now, I still love him and he always respected and put not hurting me first. We were honest with each other about everything and he was clear from the beginning that he would not leave his M. I still stayed for as long as I could because like someone else has said here: 30% of him was better than nothing. I got so much energy and strength from him, his genuine care; that it was just impossible to let go. I would stay longer if I could, as we tried staying friends. He was doing better at that over time; but unlike him - he was the only thing I had (I am single) and it was not getting better for me. Instead of getting strength and energy, this started consuming me. We both knew we had to separate one day, we just took time - going through LC to VLC to NC. Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted January 7, 2015 Share Posted January 7, 2015 I stayed because it was everything I wanted. Because it was my best ever R. Because everything I needed, and more, was available to me whenever I wanted it. Because it was my ideal R. I still stay for those same reasons, although details have changed, including the label attached to the R. When something is this good, why would I not stay? Link to post Share on other sites
HtotheN Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 [quote=still_an_Angel;6082340 I'd love to hear from other OWs/OMs who are in LTRs. It seems that some of us forgot who was asked this question to begin with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author still_an_Angel Posted January 8, 2015 Author Share Posted January 8, 2015 It seems that some of us forgot who was asked this question to begin with. Perfectly okay HtotheN, I guess reasons for staying whether short or long term do not really differ all that much. Its good to hear the reasons for both LT and those in new As, different dynamics and all. Thanks everyone for sharing your views. Link to post Share on other sites
HtotheN Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Perfectly okay HtotheN, I guess reasons for staying whether short or long term do not really differ all that much. Its good to hear the reasons for both LT and those in new As, different dynamics and all. Thanks everyone for sharing your views. I was just referring to the fact that folks other than OM/OW responded to this. I am just tiring of the posts from BS who are posting hateful posts. But, if you as the OP are okay with that, it doesn't matter to me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Having experienced an affair, I disagree. It has it's ups and downs, it isn't all sunshine and rose petals. There was plenty of real life in it. And having had an affair go to a dating relationship to a marriage, things sustained throughout the years. There was no fantasy. I agree with this completely. The only difference between our R now, being a M, and when it was an A, is that we're together 24X7, and the BS is no longer a logistic. Our R is still the same. There was no "fantasy", and no fog. It was great then and is great now. BS may choose to pretend that a piece of paper magically changes a R, but it doesn't. It's the R that matters, not the label. If you have a great R, enjoy it. If you have a sucky R, lose it. That's what matters - that your R makes you happy and fulfilled - not the label that others attach to it, or the stereotypes others wish to project onto it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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