Was it really all my fault?

[lmato]

Hi all. This is my story. Together for 3 yrs, PA and EA, working together. Many times made plans for leaving BS. I really worked hard over past 2 yrs to sort out finance so I can leave my M and provide fair financial start for the two of us. She was familiar with every step of the way. Our A was very turbulent. For much of it I felt as if I am the one giving more and always making compromise. Few times I left in tears when I could not take being treated as doormat. She would come back few months later promising that things will change. She also initiated few breakups mostly when things would become too serious.This spring she filed for D while her H was out of country but gave up when he returned. I did not make scene over this as I felt guilt over not being able financially to leave at that point. In June we agreed to both file for D. Night before she picked a fight over nothing and told me never to contact her again. Next two months there was no contact.

 

This autumn she returned and we made plan to rent apartment just in case there are troubles at home during D. I would then file for D first and she would do it few weeks after me. Then after some time has passed (few months) we would move in together. However, she kept finding excuses why she can’t go with me to look for apartment. At first I waited but then went through ads and started looking for it alone. We live in small tourist destination where it is very difficult to find apartment for whole year.

 

During this time I felt treated like doormat. Whenever I would try to talk to her about our problems or propose to do something the way I would like it she would storm on me saying I am calculating, manipulating, pressuring her. After one or two sentences pointing to her part of responsibility she would yell on me to stop attacking her. If topic of leaving our BS would come out she would pull as an argument the fact that I did not file this spring when she did it. I have to say here that over this time I felt guilt for not filing for D in spring. At that time I was not able to leave my M yet due to financial reasons. Also I was trying to keep my house so we can live in it and she was familiar with every step. When some progress was made in the beginning of May and I was able to leave she turned distant and ran away from me. Deep down I know that there were objective reasons for me not filing at that time but nevertheless I felt some guilt.

 

Lately (past 3-4 weeks) I started openly pointing to our problems and asking her to change something. She would either ignore me or immediately pick a fight saying that nothing is ever good for me and that I am too demanding and yelling on me to stop. She would then go silent for hours or days and I would initiate first. My requests were mostly things like better communication, solving our situation and spending more time together (e.g. 1-2 times per week without taking care about time). The reason I kept with all of this was previously mentioned guilt over course of events this spring. I attributed her behaviour to our situation even though pressure on me was even bigger. My health deteriorated, I ended several times in hospital, at the age of 30 I am taking pills for heart and blood pressure and all doctors say that this is related to stress.

 

Culmination of things happened few days ago. When we reconciled in September the agreement was that we will spend these holidays together in our (rented) home and then we will start living together. This deadline was set due to the fact that her H works few months away from country and is leaving in first week of January. Few days before Christmas when it became clear that nothing will happen she suggested that we spend few hours this Christmas in apartment of one of her friends. I could not do it. I felt it not fair towards me as I wanted us to live together by this time. So I said it to her. After that she stormed once again on me calling me liar, manipulative, saying that I am pressuring her and telling me we are done for good.

 

Stupid as I am and out of feeling of guilt I begged her not to leave. Yet, she kept pushing me away and saying that she will turn her mobile off over next days and she cannot talk to me anymore. This set the trigger so I blocked her on facebook, whatsapp and all other means of communication we used except text messages as we work together and I cannot do that. I wrote her text message saying that I think it is for best that we do not communicate. This triggered something as she calmed down and started talking with me. However, in her words everything was my fault. I was too demanding, I could not stop talking, I pressured her, I was calculating over everything etc etc. She kept repeating that this is going nowhere and she will never return to our A. I agreed that it is for the best if we are not together.

 

Next evening text arrives. She apologized for being explosive night before but added that it was because I did not stop talking and the rest was out of her control. I replied that I think we both made mistakes and I am sorry too. There was no reply and she stayed silent ever since. Deep down I know that I was treated like crap and that I am better off without her. I really wanted to leave with her and she knows for some time I am looking for apartment for the two of us and that I prepared ground for us to have fair financial start. Why is it then that I feel guilt and ask myself whether things would be different if I acted differently in spring? Was it really all my fault or she just played me?

[DKT3]

She isn't leaving her marriage, but she keeps making you think she will. Yeah she is playing you.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS.

 

Did you personally see the divorce filing or case summary?

 

Are there any other actions which indicated her intent to leave her marriage and/or be with you which are verifiable? As an example, a signed lease or purchase agreement for a separate domicile.

 

As far as 'fault' is concerned, each person is responsible for their own actions. Hence, whatever actions you took in this circumstance are your responsibility. You made your own choices along the way, both in your marriage and in your affair.

 

Suggestion: If you choose to cut off communication, something LS'ers call 'NC' (no contact), you are responsible for making and enacting that choice. Successful NC means just that, no contact. It's not a game; it's not a tool; it's a life choice.

 

I've had a fair amount of experience with MW's, enough to know that one size does not fit all; each is unique. The one thing they all have in common is that one man (you or me) can never control any aspect of who they are or what they do. We only have control over ourselves. We choose. Good luck in your choices.

[lmato]

Welcome to LS.

 

Did you personally see the divorce filing or case summary?

 

Are there any other actions which indicated her intent to leave her marriage and/or be with you which are verifiable? As an example, a signed lease or purchase agreement for a separate domicile.

 

As far as 'fault' is concerned, each person is responsible for their own actions. Hence, whatever actions you took in this circumstance are your responsibility. You made your own choices along the way, both in your marriage and in your affair.

 

Suggestion: If you choose to cut off communication, something LS'ers call 'NC' (no contact), you are responsible for making and enacting that choice. Successful NC means just that, no contact. It's not a game; it's not a tool; it's a life choice.

 

I've had a fair amount of experience with MW's, enough to know that one size does not fit all; each is unique. The one thing they all have in common is that one man (you or me) can never control any aspect of who they are or what they do. We only have control over ourselves. We choose. Good luck in your choices.

 

Thanks for welcoming me. It is nice to be here. I saw court stamp on filed request for D and invitation for court hearing. Like I said all of this happened while her H was away. When he returned she grew more distant, started picking fights often over small issues and gave up on D on the day of hearing.

[carhill]

Thanks for welcoming me. It is nice to be here. I saw court stamp on filed request for D and invitation for court hearing. Like I said all of this happened while her H was away. When he returned she grew more distant, started picking fights often over small issues and gave up on D on the day of hearing.

She wasn't done with him yet. He had something she wanted and it was more prevalent when he was around. Sounds like it still is the case. As her distraction when he was gone, you were now an annoyance, hence her demeanor. I had a MW nearly exactly like that in my early 20's. The rubber band snapped back and forth for around a decade. The main reason it did was because I chose to allow it to. People take what they're allowed to take. Now, if a BBD comes along, IME there will be no hesitation. Boom, done and gone. Taking the emotional content out of the dynamic, it's pretty impressive to observe. NC can help with that, taking the emotional content out. Once the 'love' is gone, it's easy to see people for who they really are and accept them as such. They were special for awhile. I guess there's value in that.

[Rainbowlove]

You have to back off completely at this point. Your relationship sounds familiar - lots of push pull. Until one actually leaves their marriage and divorces, they are still married.

 

As far as fault. You pressured her, so there is some fault there. Are you all to blame for the state of your lives now? No. It takes two to tango.

 

Her pinning stuff on you makes her feel somewhat less guilty for not being able to leave her M. This is only temporary relief from the guilt. She will likely try to contact you again when the dust settles. Seems to be her pattern. Resist.

 

She has to leave her M for her, not for you. Let her find her own way out, if she chooses.

[elaine567]

NO it is not your fault.

 

She sounds a nightmare, run is my advice.

Edited January 2, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Broom]

She doesn't have any true intentions of leaving. What she is doing is manipulating you and using mind games.

 

She isn't going to leave, but makes it appear that she is. And then she blames it on you for convenience and to make it seem like you're the real reason why she hasn't yet.

 

Don't fall for it. Cut her off and don't allow it unless she comes back divorced.

[anika99]

It was quite obvious in everything you wrote that the MW does not want to leave her marriage for you. She plays along but as soon as some action on her part is required she starts fights with you and then runs away. She is not done with her marriage and she may never be.

 

 

What about you? Are you still going to divorce your wife? Or were you only willing to divorce so long as you believed the MW would be joining you? Are there children involved in this situation?

[Poppygoodwill]

So much drama. It's exhausting just reading it.

Makes me wonder what your relationship with your wife is like....drama-filled like this, or calm and easy?

[lmato]

It was quite obvious in everything you wrote that the MW does not want to leave her marriage for you. She plays along but as soon as some action on her part is required she starts fights with you and then runs away. She is not done with her marriage and she may never be.

 

 

What about you? Are you still going to divorce your wife? Or were you only willing to divorce so long as you believed the MW would be joining you? Are there children involved in this situation?

 

There are no children involved. Like I said in first post over past period I had to sort out financial issues to be able to leave. I am looking for apartment but in my place of living it is very difficult to find long term lease. My M is dead, we hardly talk not to mention anything else so I cannot nor do I want to go back to my BS.

[lmato]

So much drama. It's exhausting just reading it.

Makes me wonder what your relationship with your wife is like....drama-filled like this, or calm and easy?

 

My relationship with my wife and all other relationships I had were nothing like this. The reason for my M falling apart was not drama. Just, we got estranged over time as we worked a lot and hardly had time for us. Over time we lost each other.

[goodyblue]

For me it seems like maybe the relationship may feel passionate because of the hot/cold thing going on but the truth is, it will just make you crazy. People that have that kind of emotional instability going on make terrible partners because you never know where you stand.

 

My advice? Get out of your marriage and find someone who is a little more even keeled but crazy in bed. I think that is truly the best thing about my current relationship: we know how to communicate our wants/needs without acting like lunatics.

[Sassy Girl]

Your relationship sounds completely dysfunctional and at the least she sounds personality disordered.

 

Move on for your own well-being. Seriously. She's not leaving. She's totally playing you. You're wasting your life on her.

[lmato]

Your relationship sounds completely dysfunctional and at the least she sounds personality disordered.

 

Move on for your own well-being. Seriously. She's not leaving. She's totally playing you. You're wasting your life on her.

 

My gut tells me that she is playing me and it is better to leave. Yet, there is this tiny voice that asks whether all of this was caused with my inability to leave in spring.

[Rainbowlove]

I thought she filed for divorce, but changed her mind when her H returned?

 

These relationships are crazy. They make the most sane, rational person Fn nutso.

 

Free yourself now; from your wife and this woman. She's got baggage on top of baggage. At this point, so do you.

 

Clear your head and stay away from the ladies for a while. Go it solo.

[Darren Steez]

My gut tells me that she is playing me and it is better to leave. Yet, there is this tiny voice that asks whether all of this was caused with my inability to leave in spring.

 

Just your gut? Re read what you've written as if you were a stranger, there are all types of red flags waving about.

 

You talk about your dead marriage, right now this is a dead relationship. Do you really see yourself moving in with her and having a future after all she has done.

 

Maybe you need to be alone as well, you jumped from your marriage straight to her, and even with all the red flags you're still clinging on for dear life.

 

She aint worth it dude..plus you don't want her husband sniffing around.. get out while the getting is good.

[lmato]

I thought she filed for divorce, but changed her mind when her H returned?

 

These relationships are crazy. They make the most sane, rational person Fn nutso.

 

Free yourself now; from your wife and this woman. She's got baggage on top of baggage. At this point, so do you.

 

Clear your head and stay away from the ladies for a while. Go it solo.

 

She did file while he was away. Then about the time he returned she started picking fights, becoming more distant and stuff like that. Eventually she gave up on D. At that time I was working day and night just to earn enough so I can sort my financial issues and that we can rent a place and move in together. This costed me even health problems. When I tried to talk about it with her she just told me that I am trying to make people feel sorry for me. Mind you, I never mentioned this to anyone but her. Still, I attributed it all to pressure from our situation.

[lmato]

I felt weak tonight and peaked from my other phone number which she does not have this messaging app that both of us used to communicate. I know she does not have anyone else to communicate on it as we intentionally chose it to be able to talk without disturbance. She still has picture of the two of us there as profile and I could see that she was online twice today. Why this if she sent me away and told me that we are never coming back together?

[Rainbowlove]

I felt weak tonight and peaked from my other phone number which she does not have this messaging app that both of us used to communicate. I know she does not have anyone else to communicate on it as we intentionally chose it to be able to talk without disturbance. She still has picture of the two of us there as profile and I could see that she was online twice today. Why this if she sent me away and told me that we are never coming back together?

 

Maybe she's had some weak moments, too.

 

Weakness is what keeps us in affairs. We are weak and want to avoid the pain it takes to end affairs, to truly let go and say goodbye forever.

 

It takes strength to keep moving forward. Find your strength.

[lmato]

UPDATE

 

She came to my office last Monday. Her story was sweet as usual. In her words, she had enough of fights, she wants only real relationship with me etc etc. I said to her that she needs to figure out what she wants from her life and then from me. The conversation went on and on. Like many times before she was vague in her answers. I could smell that she wants me back in A. I paused and asked her to propose idea how to pull this through and said that I will go along with any idea she suggests. I also added that I think I will be able to keep my apartment and leave M on my own in few months time. Therefore, I added, we could also stay NC, sort out our situation and then meet after both are divorced and talk about getting back together. She was strongly against this proposal saying that in that case we will never get back together. The conversation ended with her saying that we will talk that evening and agree on everything.

 

Days passed. She was sweet and trying to win my affection. Every once in a while she would throw in hint that we need to sort things out yet nothing concrete would come out. After 3 days I could not stand it anymore. As calmly and politely as I could I said to her that I cannot go on like this and that we need to talk things through before continuing. She switched instantly into anger mode, saying that I promised not to raise issue of D first, that I should be consistent, attacked me on various other issues and accused me that I was not serious in our conversation on Monday. This confused me. I was serious about wanting real relationship and dont see anything wrong in wanting to agree on things in the beginning. I did not argue nor forced her to do anything.

 

Her final words were that she thinks about how to sort out our situation every day. Yet, when I asked her to talk about it with me and sort things out she went silent.

 

Two days passed without any contact. I know that I was right not getting deeper without her being honest and sincere about building real relationship with me. Yet, having realised that she does not want me for anything more than A makes me sad. I am angry at myself for being naive and thinking that this could be the real thing. How could I have been so blind?

[DSP]

30 years old and you're going to the clinic for a heart condition?

 

If you stay with this person get used to your health deteriorating. You'll be on blood pressure medication soon and anti depressants later.

 

I'm going to throw you a bone here so you don't end up a 45 year old man broken and beaten down wondering what the **** happened to your life with this woman.

 

Other people have said it, but didn't clarify what they meant. It sounds like she has a personality disorder. Look into cluster B personality disorders. A book called I hate you, don't leave me. Push/Pull love. Read as much as you can too. Your situation is so common I already know your future.

 

Let me take a wild guess here... She is beautiful and very attractive. When you met her she made you feel very special almost placing you on a pedestal. Does her husband treat her bad? Is he controlling, manipulative maybe even a bit abusive. You are her knight in shining armor and you two are going to have a wonderful life together. You can love her better than he can you just know it. Blah, blah, blah... on and on. Now when you use logic in a discussion to prove your points you get blasted or she will stone wall you or cry. You can never figure out why you are the bad guy all the time. You are doing everything you can to please her it just doesn't work. Get. The. ****. Out. Now.

 

Listen to a wise man that has gone through what you are going to go through and walk away. Just walk away. Delete all traces of communication that you can and brick wall this person. If you are a smart man you will never thank me, because you won't ever really know what I'm talking about. Treat this person like they are dead to you.

[GirlStillStrong]

I agree with DSP, there is something seriously wrong here.

 

I also need to say that neither one of you has any business trying to have a relationship with anyone but your respective spouses, until such time as you are no longer married. Period. End of Story. I don't care how much you love eachother, how perfectly matched you are, how great the sex is, nor how you are "soul mates." Get your life together, LMATO, and settle your business and your marriage before complicating things with another relationship. You have NOTHING to offer any woman as long as you are married. All a married man does by having an extra-marital affair is bring the affair partner their problems. And who needs someone in their life bringing them problems?

[lmato]

Hi all, some of you will remember my story. Things are becoming more and more weird. Over past weeks she started showing up around me. At first sweet and all but then when she saw that I am not taking the bait she became furious. Her latest move was to convince me to make her pregnant but at the same time she avoided every possible opportunity to talk about solving of our situations with BSs. This seemed weird to me so I said that I want us to solve issues first and then to think about having a child. I do not think that child should be born in the midst of chaos and I would want to be family with someone first and then to work on child. Her response on this was rage. She accused me of being calculative, said that I am trying to negotiate about baby and that there is no way she will let me do that. It was very weird and it triggered red light in my head.

 

Is it just me or is this really weird? Why would she want to work on baby but at the same time refuse to even talk about D? If I am into conspiracy theories I would think that she has some hidden agenda.

[GoldieLox]

Run. Run as fast as you can.

 

She seems unstable, the push-pull behavior is abnormally over the top, and quite frankly, it seems as though she is trying to entrap you with a child.