Question for mow

[Midwestmissy]

If your mm told you he had no intention of leaving his wife, why did you stay in the affair? I'm the betrayed wife - while the affair was on, my husband wined and dined me, took me to romantic hotel overnights, told me how wonderful I was, we had a lot of sex. We had a stressful period, but after 25 yrs together, I thought it was a blip, not another woman. I have no idea what he told the mow about our marriage, but I saw emails he sent to her that said he was never Leaving me for her. Yes it was a sexual affair for 6 mos, he ended it, continued to be her boss, and eventually fired her. I found out several months later, and contacted her husband (who had been her ap during her 1st marriage). We are all over 40, a bunch of kids between us, a lot of damage caused, teenagers furious, etc. I did not know her personally, saw her once or twice, but man, she wrote a ton of emails, texted him in the middle of the night after the affair ended, and essentially blew the lid off everything by typing away thus losing her job. Not. Bright.

 

I'm not here to throw rocks, Im just trying to understand why a married woman would stay in an affair with someone who wasn't going to leave his wife. I understand those words and his actions conflicted. He told me she agreed with everything she said and told him he was awesome even though he was a cheater (def wouldn't heard that from me) He thinks she wanted my life, as she was the breadwinner (fired, financially very screwed right now), 4 Kids, middle class lifestyle. I'm a sahm, volunteer, well-educated, I consult in high end fashion, nice life, she looks like she shops at a strip mall, a lot if cargo pants and fleece, is very coarse mannered and crass (white trashy, like girls I grew up with) and is older than I am. He never wanted to be seen in public with her alone, he's a very successful executive. We've been together since we were teens and built an enviable life together from nothing.

 

I'll never understand what he got from her other than she was adept at the oral side of things, but I'm just curious what she got from him. Pretty sure her h wasn't getting the oral side every day like she promised my h, lol, he was working and taking care of 4 kids like I was. She had sex with my h and he signed her cheques - he was basically her john, clients called and rejoiced when she was let go. Gawd writing this out makes it sound so ridiculous.

 

Thanks in advance for your thoughts on this. happy new year - I wish all of you a life of authenticity - be true to who you want to be, it matters more as you pass 40+.

[Poppygoodwill]

I agree that it's not fruitful to ask questions about her frame of mind, especially if it turns into trash talking her.

 

More useful perhaps to focus on your husband and his motivations, and yours now that you know.

 

It's easier to run the OW down to try to bolster your self-confidence after such a betrayal. Harder, but more enduring, to focus on yourself and your marriage..find the holes, and fix them.

[Midwestmissy]

Lol no I'm not staying. Susan is that you? In your cargo pants? Sheesh, defensive much?. I blame my h for what he did completely, just looking for another perspective. I'll never speak to her to find out, so I thought I'd ask here. New year, ya know?

[flowergirl14]

Your husband probably was in it for the sex, the thrill of the affair and fantasy. The other woman probably had feelings for him. Who knows what your husband told her. They often tell their ap all kinds of things that you will never know. Sorry cheaters are above all else liars. Read the om/ ow section on this forum. This might provide some insight.

[goodyblue]

Lol no I'm not staying. Susan is that you? In your cargo pants? Sheesh, defensive much?. I blame my h for what he did completely, just looking for another perspective. I'll never speak to her to find out, so I thought I'd ask here. New year, ya know?[/quote

 

Lmao! I don't own cargo pants, but admit to owning.some fleece, as it is 13° today without wind chill factored in.

 

I am glad you are making him take responsibility. I dont have answers, i was a single OW, my guy left his ex wife and we have been together for some time now.

 

The reason i held on was strictly out of loce for him. I also.knew he was leaving so it is not the same. We are just much more compatible.

[Blu72]

You don't sound like any woman I would envy based on how you trashed this woman. I get she and YOUR husband ruined your 'enviable' life, but you sound like a snobby teenager in your description of her vs. you. Who cares what she looks like, obviously your husband didn't care and then fired her after sleeping with her? Yeah 'enviable' life with such an awesome husband indeed.

[Midwestmissy]

I tried to post there, it was moved - my question was pretty clear though - if he told the ow he wasn't leaving his wife, what was her hook to stay on? Of course lies were told all around, but if she was told he wasn't leaving, what did she get out of it, esp if she's also married. That's all, there are so many stories of "I'm going to leave my wife when..." But aren't ap told otherwise as well? I've been married for a while, this is all foreign to me.

 

Tbh I did trash the ow in my post. Long day. Which makes me sound like a bitter harpy for sure. The whole thing destroyed my self esteem. But I think being able to grill my wh and never being able to (or ever wanting to) grill the ow leaves me curious, hence the question. Frankly she has 4 kids who I hope don't suffer due to her behavior, as I've seen my older kids totally fall apart because of this. They are changed by this mess. She's a mom, hard to not think about them when you're the income. Infidelity isn't nice, maybe I see this as a safe anonymous venting station. Better out than in.

[Midwestmissy]

Blu, having someone you don't want brought into your life makes you (me) behave in ways that are unrecognizable. Being blindsided sucks and I'm not always proud of myself. Again figured I could vent, sorry if it's offensive, can't say I feel livable frankly.

[Blu72]

It's understandable why you feel the need to trash her, but it's not a good look anonymous or not. But I digress, to get to your question...

 

You are a woman so I think it's safe to say you understand the thought that some women think they can change a man. Maybe even though he never completely 'future faked' with her she may have felt things could change the longer they were in the affair. Maybe she felt he could love her. No one can speak to her truth but her. And I understand your need to know this, I really do. But maybe try and focus on why your husband felt the need to stray from the marriage and either work on rebuilding your marriage or work toward steps to leave. I wish I had the answers.

[Realist3]

I tried to post there, it was moved - my question was pretty clear though - if he told the ow he wasn't leaving his wife, what was her hook to stay on? Of course lies were told all around, but if she was told he wasn't leaving, what did she get out of it, esp if she's also married. That's all, there are so many stories of "I'm going to leave my wife when..." But aren't ap told otherwise as well? I've been married for a while, this is all foreign to me.

 

Tbh I did trash the ow in my post. Long day. Which makes me sound like a bitter harpy for sure. The whole thing destroyed my self esteem. But I think being able to grill my wh and never being able to (or ever wanting to) grill the ow leaves me curious, hence the question. Frankly she has 4 kids who I hope don't suffer due to her behavior, as I've seen my older kids totally fall apart because of this. They are changed by this mess. She's a mom, hard to not think about them when you're the income. Infidelity isn't nice, maybe I see this as a safe anonymous venting station. Better out than in.

 

Because she enjoyed what they had together. From the start of my A, MW and I agreed we were never leaving our spouses. 5 years on it is still going strong because it adds to our lives.

[Sub]

Of course lies were told all around, but if she was told he wasn't leaving, what did she get out of it, esp if she's also married. That's all, there are so many stories of "I'm going to leave my wife when..." But aren't ap told otherwise as well? I've been married for a while, this is all foreign to me.

 

It could be anything. I know some would like to think there was some sort of deep connection between your H and the OW. Could be. Could also just be that it was a f**k from time to time.

 

As an aside: I think you realize that trashing her isn't necessarily productive. Which it isn't. But it's not a "BS" thing. Plenty of OW/OM slam the BS's of their AP: unstable, crazy, insecure, manipulative, etc. I have to kind of chuckle at the hypocrisy.

[Sassy Girl]

I tried to post there, it was moved - my question was pretty clear though - if he told the ow he wasn't leaving his wife, what was her hook to stay on? Of course lies were told all around, but if she was told he wasn't leaving, what did she get out of it, esp if she's also married. That's all, there are so many stories of "I'm going to leave my wife when..." But aren't ap told otherwise as well? I've been married for a while, this is all foreign to me.

 

Tbh I did trash the ow in my post. Long day. Which makes me sound like a bitter harpy for sure. The whole thing destroyed my self esteem. But I think being able to grill my wh and never being able to (or ever wanting to) grill the ow leaves me curious, hence the question. Frankly she has 4 kids who I hope don't suffer due to her behavior, as I've seen my older kids totally fall apart because of this. They are changed by this mess. She's a mom, hard to not think about them when you're the income. Infidelity isn't nice, maybe I see this as a safe anonymous venting station. Better out than in.

 

Ok, Im the MOW...Ill bite.

 

I can see youre hurting, so Im not going to "throw rocks" as you so eloquently said, but Ill give it a go.

 

My MM and I have an arrangement. Neither of us are leaving our spouses. Mine situation is a little different, but for him, he loves his wife, his life and thinks she is a fantastic mother. Probably a lot like how you've described your husband. But according to my MM she's not much of a lover these days and their sex life has gone to the back burner as she has dived headlong into the mother role...that's where we have our arrangement.

 

I "stay on" because aside from having similar interests and chatting daily about them, the sex is great. I'm in an almost sexless marriage at home with no intimacy. He wants to have that intimacy with me. Its nice connecting with another human being. We both crave it and aren't getting it at home. As Realist said - it adds to my life. It makes my marriage bearable for now.

 

SO what do I get out if it? Friendship, intimacy and orgasms.

[Baby123]

I get that your hurt but I find it terrible that you can gloat about her being a breadwinner supporting her kids and about her being fired.

 

 

Yes she should have thought of the consequences of sleeping with her boss but he should have thought of the consequences of sleeping with a subordinate. Its disgusting that because he is higher up the food chain in there work environment that she is forced to leave and pay the price financially whilst he sits like a fat cat at the top with his wife practically bragging about him.

 

 

It takes two to tango. Yes I agree she should pay emotionally but to pay with her job/career whilst his is completely unaffected is completely disgraceful.

[Blu72]

Actually it sounds like she may have the beginnings of a sexual harassment lawsuit on her hands. I would be concerned with that cause then he might be out of his job.

[Furious]

If your mm told you he had no intention of leaving his wife, why did you stay in the affair? I'm the betrayed wife - while the affair was on, my husband wined and dined me, took me to romantic hotel overnights, told me how wonderful I was, we had a lot of sex. We had a stressful period, but after 25 yrs together, I thought it was a blip, not another woman. I have no idea what he told the mow about our marriage, but I saw emails he sent to her that said he was never Leaving me for her. Yes it was a sexual affair for 6 mos, he ended it, continued to be her boss, and eventually fired her. I found out several months later, and contacted her husband (who had been her ap during her 1st marriage). We are all over 40, a bunch of kids between us, a lot of damage caused, teenagers furious, etc. I did not know her personally, saw her once or twice, but man, she wrote a ton of emails, texted him in the middle of the night after the affair ended, and essentially blew the lid off everything by typing away thus losing her job. Not. Bright.

 

I'm not here to throw rocks, Im just trying to understand why a married woman would stay in an affair with someone who wasn't going to leave his wife. I understand those words and his actions conflicted. He told me she agreed with everything she said and told him he was awesome even though he was a cheater (def wouldn't heard that from me) He thinks she wanted my life, as she was the breadwinner (fired, financially very screwed right now), 4 Kids, middle class lifestyle. I'm a sahm, volunteer, well-educated, I consult in high end fashion, nice life, she looks like she shops at a strip mall, a lot if cargo pants and fleece, is very coarse mannered and crass (white trashy, like girls I grew up with) and is older than I am. He never wanted to be seen in public with her alone, he's a very successful executive. We've been together since we were teens and built an enviable life together from nothing.

 

I'll never understand what he got from her other than she was adept at the oral side of things, but I'm just curious what she got from him. Pretty sure her h wasn't getting the oral side every day like she promised my h, lol, he was working and taking care of 4 kids like I was. She had sex with my h and he signed her cheques - he was basically her john, clients called and rejoiced when she was let go. Gawd writing this out makes it sound so ridiculous.

 

Thanks in advance for your thoughts on this. happy new year - I wish all of you a life of authenticity - be true to who you want to be, it matters more as you pass 40+.

 

 

Your husband, as a cheater has a limited option of who will cheat with him. It's really not about the affair partner in the sense that very few with character and self esteem would sign up to be an affair partner if they did not have issues of their own.

 

The harsh reality, it's the character of your husband and not the affair partner that you need to address. The OW/OM are as irrelevant to you as you are to them and trying to understand them is a waste of time and effort.

 

I see you're hurting, and trying to wrap your mind around the awful reality of his actions. He cheated, he found a participant...it's that simple. Do not waste time and energy to understand an OW/OM's reasoning because it's futile to argue with those who see infidelity as justified.

 

I urge you to shift your focus onto seeing that you are not responsible for anyone's actions and the best way toward healing is to focus on you and what is best for you.

[Sassy Girl]

I get that your hurt but I find it terrible that you can gloat about her being a breadwinner supporting her kids and about her being fired.

 

 

Yes she should have thought of the consequences of sleeping with her boss but he should have thought of the consequences of sleeping with a subordinate. Its disgusting that because he is higher up the food chain in there work environment that she is forced to leave and pay the price financially whilst he sits like a fat cat at the top with his wife practically bragging about him.

 

 

It takes two to tango. Yes I agree she should pay emotionally but to pay with her job/career whilst his is completely unaffected is completely disgraceful.

 

Good point. Hes lucky he didnt get brought up on sexual harrassment claims and you lose your gravy train.

 

And dont underestimate the value of oral skills to a man. Theres something that damages a persons self esteem when you refuse a simple act of intimacy like BJs. Im not saying thats a good enough excuse to cheat - not by a long way. But many women treat oral sex like a chore, or worse, that its gross. This has an impact on self esteem, like it or not.

Edited January 1, 2015 by Sassy Girl

[Red123]

Was she fired because of the affair or was there another reason?

[Redheaded Mistress]

If your mm told you he had no intention of leaving his wife, why did you stay in the affair? I'm the betrayed wife - while the affair was on, my husband wined and dined me, took me to romantic hotel overnights, told me how wonderful I was, we had a lot of sex. We had a stressful period, but after 25 yrs together, I thought it was a blip, not another woman. I have no idea what he told the mow about our marriage, but I saw emails he sent to her that said he was never Leaving me for her. Yes it was a sexual affair for 6 mos, he ended it, continued to be her boss, and eventually fired her. I found out several months later, and contacted her husband (who had been her ap during her 1st marriage). We are all over 40, a bunch of kids between us, a lot of damage caused, teenagers furious, etc. I did not know her personally, saw her once or twice, but man, she wrote a ton of emails, texted him in the middle of the night after the affair ended, and essentially blew the lid off everything by typing away thus losing her job. Not. Bright.

 

I'm not here to throw rocks, Im just trying to understand why a married woman would stay in an affair with someone who wasn't going to leave his wife. I understand those words and his actions conflicted. He told me she agreed with everything she said and told him he was awesome even though he was a cheater (def wouldn't heard that from me) He thinks she wanted my life, as she was the breadwinner (fired, financially very screwed right now), 4 Kids, middle class lifestyle. I'm a sahm, volunteer, well-educated, I consult in high end fashion, nice life, she looks like she shops at a strip mall, a lot if cargo pants and fleece, is very coarse mannered and crass (white trashy, like girls I grew up with) and is older than I am. He never wanted to be seen in public with her alone, he's a very successful executive. We've been together since we were teens and built an enviable life together from nothing.

 

I'll never understand what he got from her other than she was adept at the oral side of things, but I'm just curious what she got from him. Pretty sure her h wasn't getting the oral side every day like she promised my h, lol, he was working and taking care of 4 kids like I was. She had sex with my h and he signed her cheques - he was basically her john, clients called and rejoiced when she was let go. Gawd writing this out makes it sound so ridiculous.

 

Thanks in advance for your thoughts on this. happy new year - I wish all of you a life of authenticity - be true to who you want to be, it matters more as you pass 40+.

 

Our affair started as us understanding we'd never leave our spouses ever, under any condition. That quickly morphed to "wouldn't it be great if we could actually be together?" and very occasional vague promises of "when the kids get older." By the time D-day happened, I was working on leaving (and was mostly out) and he wanted out too. When D-Day happened, she made him choose, he chose me, she said fine because she wasn't that happy either, and they separated. We were together openly and they were separated before a "conviction from God" told her to fight for her marriage, she changed her mind, and that started 10ish months of back and forth and general insanity.

 

Eventually, after some back and forth that was punctuated with his leaving her, going back, leaving again, going back, and mixing "I'm never leaving her" when he was half-heartedly trying to "fix the marriage" with the "we're one day closer to being together" that I heard when we were together, he did leave, and leave for good.

 

During all of this, I had no reason to leave... I loved him, I knew he loved me, I knew he didn't love her and had tried to leave before I even came along, and I knew if he had his choice he would have left her and been with me. I took a gamble that one day he'd leave after we both realized how serious our relationship was and how much we meant to each other, and he did. Because I knew him, I knew that the "I'm never leaving" wasn't something he truly meant and was more what he was saying because of her.

 

In your situation, I think the more pointed question to ask isn't why she stayed when he said he was never going to leave, but why he was never going to leave but still had at least one affair. Frankly, it sounds like his end goal is using both women, though for different reasons. One to take care of the kids and parade around during events, the other to have fun with. With such an attitude, while this is the first time he's been caught, I doubt it's the first time he's strayed. I also wouldn't be surprised if the "I'm not leaving" was suddenly said during the ending/end of the affair and what he promised her in person was very different.

 

I'd also be concerned that she's coming for him because she got fired... Being fired after having an affair with the boss that he ended leaves her a neat little case of sexual harassment, improper conduct, harassment, and workplace retaliation. Having seen it happen before, in a situation almost exactly like this one, the OW walked away with a giant settlement, the MM's reputation (personal and professional) was obliterated, he was fired, his family was broken up, and the BS walked away with little-to-nothing of what she'd gotten before because the her cheating spouse was unemployed and with no source of income. It was kind of a hot mess.

 

Of all of the things that could happen here, I'd worry about the above and not why she wears cargo pants and flannel and is a bad listener of her MM's faint "I'm not leaving" statements and the implication that the husband is a lout not for the affair but because of his trailer park trolling of a classless mistress.

 

Though, in fairness, while I have no flannel, I do own at least two pairs of cargo pants. Blame it on being a teen during the 90s when it was the required uniform of life and I guess my having the fashion sense of a doorknob since I had no idea cargo pants were a fashion scandal. I've always found interest in fashion to be rather pointless to real-life, save for those people who make it their entire life. But that's just me.

Edited January 2, 2015 by Redheaded Mistress

[Redheaded Mistress]

Actually it sounds like she may have the beginnings of a sexual harassment lawsuit on her hands. I would be concerned with that cause then he might be out of his job.

 

I agree. If she's half as manipulative as it is made to sound here, or even slightly conniving, or desperate to salvage her marriage at the expense of anything, I'd say a "he pressured me to a relationship then fired me when he was done with me" lawsuit would be the common sense next step for her.

[Sassy Girl]

I agree. If she's half as manipulative as it is made to sound here, or even slightly conniving, or desperate to salvage her marriage at the expense of anything, I'd say a "he pressured me to a relationship then fired me when he was done with me" lawsuit would be the common sense next step for her.

 

Not being able to feed your kids would be a great motivator...especially if you got thrown under a bus.

[Redheaded Mistress]

And dont underestimate the value of oral skills to a man. Theres something that damages a persons self esteem when you refuse a simple act of intimacy like BJs. Im not saying thats a good enough excuse to cheat - not by a long way. But many women treat oral sex like a chore, or worse, that its gross. This has an impact on self esteem, like it or not.

 

Truer words have never been spoken. I was thinking that since he had the nards to say she was great at it to his BS, that must mean either he's truly emotionally detached/doesn't care about the feelings of his BS, or she's really just that good. It's a brain fart and a half to say that to the BS as a reason for an affair.

 

But, like you said above, something on somebody else's menu that's done really well, when the menu he usually otherwise gets doesn't include said offerings can be very, very enticing, especially if it's his thing... Which, let's be honest, it's a lot of guys things.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Not being able to feed your kids would be a great motivator...especially if you got thrown under a bus.

 

I agree. She has nothing to lose, that makes her dangerous. White trash strip-mall shopper or not. And if she is really "middle class" and "white trashy" as is implied here, even if it was only a couple thousand she could walk away with, that would be a lot for her and even more enticing. A woman I know turned the world upside-down for a $25,000 check from her workplace over a bogus injury.

 

To me, it hardly seemed worth it, but to her it might as well been a million dollars and she fought for it like a maniac. And when she blew through it in 6 months, she was back again with yet more lawsuits. It was incredible.

 

This sort of thing has the potential to be something that won't go away.

[beach]

He's selfish.

 

She stroked his ego at your expense.

 

You weren't supposed to find out!

 

How did you find out?

 

I'd bet money it's not his first affair...

[harrybrown]

It is horrible to find out that your H, your partner, that should have your back, cheated on you.

 

So much pain, and your H really hurt you. Has he become transparent to you so that he is not hiding anything else?

 

Sorry also about your kids. Kids are hurt and may need some counseling.

 

I do see your pain about the OW and hope that your H will give you the information that you need. Has he been tested for stds? Did he use protection? Has he answered your questions or is he giving you trickle truth?

 

I hope he is paying for counseling for both of you.

 

This is a horrible thing to do to someone you are supposed to love.

 

start doing something for you and the kids.

 

Hope you do find some peace. I do not think you will ever get any truthful information from the OW.

 

I do hope you let her H know about the A.

 

Your H should help you with your deep pain. It does get better with time, but I am talking about years, not a short time. And then something happens to bring back the triggers.

 

I know the pain you are feeling. We have not divorced, but we just had our 40th anniversary. I have been dead inside for a few years now. We will never go back to what it used to be. She killed our marriage. Just waiting for death now for the pain to be totally gone.

Edited January 2, 2015 by harrybrown
edit

[sidney2718]

Ok, Im the MOW...Ill bite.

 

I can see youre hurting, so Im not going to "throw rocks" as you so eloquently said, but Ill give it a go.

 

My MM and I have an arrangement. Neither of us are leaving our spouses. Mine situation is a little different, but for him, he loves his wife, his life and thinks she is a fantastic mother. Probably a lot like how you've described your husband. But according to my MM she's not much of a lover these days and their sex life has gone to the back burner as she has dived headlong into the mother role...that's where we have our arrangement.

 

I "stay on" because aside from having similar interests and chatting daily about them, the sex is great. I'm in an almost sexless marriage at home with no intimacy. He wants to have that intimacy with me. Its nice connecting with another human being. We both crave it and aren't getting it at home. As Realist said - it adds to my life. It makes my marriage bearable for now.

 

SO what do I get out if it? Friendship, intimacy and orgasms.

 

Amazingly real and truthful post. Thank you for posting it. My only hope is that folks read it and try to understand. Intimacy and sex are not very important until you don't have them. Then they are amazingly important.