Question for mow

[goodyblue]

Actually it sounds like she may have the beginnings of a sexual harassment lawsuit on her hands. I would be concerned with that cause then he might be out of his job.

 

This. Hopefully someone will advise her. This guy sounds like a real peach.

[Midwestmissy]

It was an iron clad performance based employment contract which she signed off on. The pa ended 18 months ago she left the company 6 months ago, no lawsuit possible anymore. No question they messed up, my h more because he was her superior. It's very messed up. A lot of lawyers were paid, she can't sue - she knew that she could be fired with no grounds, as over her contract, it's the same contract every employee has.

 

I can take all the crap being thrown at me here, what strangers say to me can't hurt like what my h did. Remember that a lot of the information about her looks, behavior etc came from my h - how he described her, not my assessment. People unaware of the affair trashed her to me. It was not nice.

 

At the end of the day, if I post nastiness, ugliness, judgement about a nameless woman, it's not worse than what happened to me and my kids. As for the money aspect, we worked hard for what we earned and for over 20 yrs did it as a team. I was not made aware when he brought someone else into the marriage. Frankly, my concern during the affair was that he was hiding money or doing something illegal, due to his caginess.

 

There are days when the ow means very little to me, and there are days when thinking about her buckles me. Guess what today feels like? My healing isn't linear or logical or sane, just like an affair isn't. But my reaction to the affair isn't the problem, the affair was the problem. It blew up at least 2 families and family members have taken sides - stupid. The thing about liars is they think they are in control of everything, but they aren't. H couldn't control the mow's texting and email addiction, or our 17 yr old son's flipping out, or the other h's handing me all the emails he had.

 

I really appreciate anyone even bothering to reply to this, it hasn't been a good day for me. Call me whatever you want, but what we have we have earned, and the thought that my h could allow someone else in to destroy it with him, someone he dropped before I ever knew about the a, is crushing. She meant something for 6-8 months, and is no longer in his life - how was that worth hurting his kids? We had a lot of sex, a lot of fun, travel etc - all while he cheated. He's damaged, no question, that's all on him. I can only spew out my opinions based on the info I have. He ended it with her, fired her on his own, based legally on a contract, and wants to be back with his family. I'm ready to walk, I really only had the one question. Sorry I came off as a b$$tch, it's hard to recognize myself rt now, hard to relate to a mother who would risk so much for a sexual thrill, that's all I wanted to know.

 

As far as cargo pants and fleece go, rock it - I do. But I'm pretty sure none of you would wear it to a formal business meeting. When you're 50, you should know how to present yourself, that's all.

[autumnnight]

I just love it when a betrayed spouse comes along and talks sh*t about the OW in the triangle. You stayed with yoir cgeater husband? What does that say about you?

 

Maybe she stayed with him because he lied to her, told her there was a future for them.

 

It doesn't really matter, you are focusing on the wrong thing. You should be looking at the real problem, and that is the man you speak highly of, who betrayed you.

 

Good luck

 

Is this the standard level of compassion and humanity in an OW are is this a special case?

 

very few with character and self esteem would sign up to be an affair partner if they did not have issues of their own.

 

This

Edited January 2, 2015 by autumnnight

[Sub]

And dont underestimate the value of oral skills to a man. Theres something that damages a persons self esteem when you refuse a simple act of intimacy like BJs. Im not saying thats a good enough excuse to cheat - not by a long way. But many women treat oral sex like a chore, or worse, that its gross. This has an impact on self esteem, like it or not.

 

I think if a man's self-esteem is in any way connected to how well his W gives head, or how often she does it, the issue is more with the man than the W. Especially after 25 years of M.

[goodyblue]

I ha e compassion, i just get sick of listening to BS always rip the OW to shreds while not making the WS take responsibility for their actions. The OW is not the problem. OP should focus on her husband. She says ge wants to come home. 10-1 she takes him back too, and that is her choice, but if she wants to make it work authentically she had better put the blame where it lies, at the feet of her philandering husband.

 

And while we are talking about compassion, go read what some of the bs's say to OW who post and are in pain. There is none to be had.

[Hardgrind]

Midwestmissy,

 

 

Susan Glass devotes a whole chapter to why people are willing to be the other man or other woman in a love triangle in her book "Not Just Friends". I found this book very helpful to me as the betrayed husband and I highly recommend it as a potential source of answers for the questions you are asking.

 

 

One possibility is that both the married other woman and your husband want something on the side in addition to their marriages, especially if neither is pressuring the other to get divorced. The current situation may be balanced and therefore more manageable for both of them. Often if one of the married cheaters gets divorced, the affair becomes unbalanced and the "fun" factor takes a hit when one cheater starts feeling pressure from the other one to leave their marriage.

[Midwestmissy]

Agreed sub. It never was an issue nor was it lacking. Ever. Christ we met at freaky monkey sex 18 yrs old. We were solid until he strayed. I'm amazed people are so pissed about what I asked, but we never stopped with the freaky, even when he cheated. But I felt disconnected. Had he given me the attention he gave her, we could have reconnected. Again, when someone is willing to risk a marriage for someone they don't love, why? Neither of them gained anything. She blew my h as a means to an end for herself, not out of love. He glady partook, not out of love or affection, but because hey why not. They both had willing and lonely partners at home, wondering where the heck they were, making dinner, laundry blah blah blah. Not sexy but awfully nice long term.

 

She had a lot to lose financially, hence I judge. My h is a complete idiot for thinking he could do this - I think since she was older he thought that she knew what was what.

 

Btw, my h and I had a friend who made her income via sexual lawsuits. She destroyed lives (whether she had affairs or not, she filed) for settlements. After 3 times, we knew she was to blame, not the men. It happens. I think my h ow saw a longer term outcome, but who knows. Maybe she was physically and mentally tired of supporting a family. Maybe my h is too. But my needs weren't being met and I didn't cheat.

[Sassy Girl]

I think if a man's self-esteem is in any way connected to how well his W gives head, or how often she does it, the issue is more with the man than the W. Especially after 25 years of M.

 

No. You missed the point. If a wife treats her husband or his penis like it is a chore or that it is gross it WILL impact self esteem and likely the relationship.

 

Ask around

[Midwestmissy]

Goody blue, if you're married or partnered I hope you're never in my shoes. It's awful. My h found a willing participant - not a shining star of a person, a well worn path to a well worn hole, his words not mine. And you're absolutely right, he's more to blame than she is as far as my m goes. But neither of them had integrity. - they were both the weak ones at the back of the pack who found each other since the strong people wouldn't be caught in a dead end affair. There are other spouses in these marriageswho are not cheating, and their pain is very real.

[Josmatjes]

Ok, Im the MOW...Ill bite.

 

I can see youre hurting, so Im not going to "throw rocks" as you so eloquently said, but Ill give it a go.

 

My MM and I have an arrangement. Neither of us are leaving our spouses. Mine situation is a little different, but for him, he loves his wife, his life and thinks she is a fantastic mother. Probably a lot like how you've described your husband. But according to my MM she's not much of a lover these days and their sex life has gone to the back burner as she has dived headlong into the mother role...that's where we have our arrangement.

 

I "stay on" because aside from having similar interests and chatting daily about them, the sex is great. I'm in an almost sexless marriage at home with no intimacy. He wants to have that intimacy with me. Its nice connecting with another human being. We both crave it and aren't getting it at home. As Realist said - it adds to my life. It makes my marriage bearable for now.

 

SO what do I get out if it? Friendship, intimacy and orgasms.

 

 

This is my story too.

[Midwestmissy]

I've not been in a sexless marriage, so i don't understand why you'd stay. Or why you'd want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you all the time. To me it sounds like both relationships are sad, but I do get that keeping both and not leaving your h gets complicated. It just can't be fun or easy.

 

Remember, my husband was still having sex with me, whisking me off, etc - it wasn't frigid on our end.

[Josmatjes]

Midwest.... Either way it's your husbands fault... NOT HERS! Guess what.? If it wasn't her, it would of been someone else.... It's awful to be the betrayed spouse but it's awful being the ow also.

No one wins! It's awful... I hope you can stop thinking how perfect things were with you and how gross she was and look inside to the fact that obviously things werent that great with you?

Cheating isn't the problem, it's the symptom to a problem..

Good luck to you and I really hope you can work things out..

[Mal78]

If your mm told you he had no intention of leaving his wife, why did you stay in the affair? I'm the betrayed wife - while the affair was on, my husband wined and dined me, took me to romantic hotel overnights, told me how wonderful I was, we had a lot of sex. We had a stressful period, but after 25 yrs together, I thought it was a blip, not another woman. I have no idea what he told the mow about our marriage, but I saw emails he sent to her that said he was never Leaving me for her. Yes it was a sexual affair for 6 mos, he ended it, continued to be her boss, and eventually fired her. I found out several months later, and contacted her husband (who had been her ap during her 1st marriage). We are all over 40, a bunch of kids between us, a lot of damage caused, teenagers furious, etc. I did not know her personally, saw her once or twice, but man, she wrote a ton of emails, texted him in the middle of the night after the affair ended, and essentially blew the lid off everything by typing away thus losing her job. Not. Bright.

 

I'm not here to throw rocks, Im just trying to understand why a married woman would stay in an affair with someone who wasn't going to leave his wife. I understand those words and his actions conflicted. He told me she agreed with everything she said and told him he was awesome even though he was a cheater (def wouldn't heard that from me) He thinks she wanted my life, as she was the breadwinner (fired, financially very screwed right now), 4 Kids, middle class lifestyle. I'm a sahm, volunteer, well-educated, I consult in high end fashion, nice life, she looks like she shops at a strip mall, a lot if cargo pants and fleece, is very coarse mannered and crass (white trashy, like girls I grew up with) and is older than I am. He never wanted to be seen in public with her alone, he's a very successful executive. We've been together since we were teens and built an enviable life together from nothing.

 

I'll never understand what he got from her other than she was adept at the oral side of things, but I'm just curious what she got from him. Pretty sure her h wasn't getting the oral side every day like she promised my h, lol, he was working and taking care of 4 kids like I was. She had sex with my h and he signed her cheques - he was basically her john, clients called and rejoiced when she was let go. Gawd writing this out makes it sound so ridiculous.

 

Thanks in advance for your thoughts on this. happy new year - I wish all of you a life of authenticity - be true to who you want to be, it matters more as you pass 40+.

 

He betrayed and lied to you, yet you hang on the one thing in *your* mind that he said that could be true and ran with it.

 

She was his AP, why would she envy you? She was getting the best parts of your husband. The forbidden parts of him that he didn't share with you. Nor will he ever share with you.

 

He has fed you BS and your superficial arrogance about her because she "f*cked your man so I want her destroyed" is very distasteful. Guaranteed he fed her the very same BS. That's why she stayed.

 

You are taking more pleasure in her destruction than you are holding your WH accountable for the destruction of your faith and trust in him.

 

Sure, you are mad and bitter and you loath her!! You need to channel that elsewhere. She isn't worth your effort. Up your volunteer hours to keep occupy your mind.

[Redheaded Mistress]

It was an iron clad performance based employment contract which she signed off on. The pa ended 18 months ago she left the company 6 months ago, no lawsuit possible anymore. No question they messed up, my h more because he was her superior. It's very messed up. A lot of lawyers were paid, she can't sue - she knew that she could be fired with no grounds, as over her contract, it's the same contract every employee has.

 

Contracts don't ride in the face of illegal actions though. What wold have been normal termination proceedings on any other employee would be at risk here if she claims he violated the law in her treatment and dismissal. Like in my state, with a sexual relationship existing between them, he would have violated employment law by making the decision to fire her or actively firing her. Unless he was the business owner of the family business and there are less than x employees, in my state he'd already be facing punitive damages that would take effect even before the actual findings of any suit.

 

And a lawsuit is still very much possible. Contesting termination can occur up to 5, even 7 years after date of termination. Longer in some cases if the reprocussions of the termination damage her career long term. The averge length of time between termination and non-immediate wrongful termination suits is 3.48 years after termination. Statistically the longer after the date and the suit being filed where the terminated employee can demonstrate a pattern of unhirability or re-employment in the same or related fields, the better the success rate of the suit.

 

She is still quite dangerous.

 

At the end of the day, if I post nastiness, ugliness, judgement about a nameless woman, it's not worse than what happened to me and my kids. As for the money aspect, we worked hard for what we earned and for over 20 yrs did it as a team. I was not made aware when he brought someone else into the marriage.

 

While I can appreciate you have feelings about her and the situation and you want to express them, I'm sure you understand that things you say or do will also be judied in this situation. While you're totally allowed to form the opinions you've formed, others are afforded the same about you as well.

 

My question is have you examined why he's had affairs or what about you or your dynamic makes it attractive for him to have an affair? For example, you said this:

 

Frankly, my concern during the affair was that he was hiding money or doing something illegal, due to his caginess.

 

And it hit me as really odd. You've talked about your image, alluded to his income being high, your lifestyle being affluent, your social power and standing, the vacations you take, the great and enviable life you have. When you knocked her, you knocked her image, her "middle class" lifestyle, knocked her clothes, where you presume she shops, even her being the breadwinner for her family you mentioned with disgust.

 

Is one of the issues he has that you are really focused on the material and your image? You come off as a bit... Elitist. Almost not like he had an affair isn't the issue, but he had it apparently very publicly with somebody you clearly deem to have less than you. The fact that he is acting weird and your fear isn't about him but about his money... It is a little strange. Like if my husband was acting cagey, the last thing I'd worry about is if it means he's hiding money.

 

I just see a recurrent theme that shows emotional coldness or detachment. Sex, vacations, affluent living, and a great social standing have been mentioned, you being mad about it, but nothing about any emotional connection to him or anything along those lines. No worry about if he loves her, if she loves him, if there is sex, sex and fun, sex and love... All the things you hear people say they are terrified of hearing about their spouses affairs.

 

While you say the problem isn't how you react to the affair, it's the affair itself, that isn't exactly true. How you react is very important to both how your marriage goes forward, ends, and/or how you, him, your family, and others deal with it. Trashing the socio-economic status of the OW, worrying if he is taking money, involving your teenage kids, family taking sides, and no emotion beyond anger and the material aspect of it... IDK. I worry for you guys. She clearly thought it was more than sex, he probably gave her reason to. When he was done, he chucked her without a second thought and did so in a legally questionable way, after you expressed you worried he was taking cash or engaging in illegal activities.

 

There is lots of talk on seeing how a man treats his ex because that's how he could treat you too... In this case, seeing how he has no problem wiping out the career and reputation of his mistress and feels no guilt in doing it, despite that he apparently brags to you about how good she is in bed... I'd say to you that she is an indicator of what he can do to you too when he finds the mistress who can suck start a lawnmower, put out like a porn star, and looks like Kate Upton, and chooses her over you. A real concern as he's a cheater and with at least one kid turning 18, it is about to get a lot cheaper to leave than it was.

 

I think this disaster is only just starting.

[whichwayisup]

. It's awful to be the betrayed spouse but it's awful being the ow also.

 

Sadly there is a difference. Nobody chooses to become a BS.

 

 

Midwestmissy I've not been in a sexless marriage, so i don't understand why you'd stay. Or why you'd want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you all the time. To me it sounds like both relationships are sad, but I do get that keeping both and not leaving your h gets complicated. It just can't be fun or easy.

 

Remember, my husband was still having sex with me, whisking me off, etc - it wasn't frigid on our end.

 

Many marriages are good and it's the person that's very broken, chooses to look elsewhere for whatever reasons.

 

His affair with the OW isn't your fault, as you say your marriage was good and you two had an active sex life as well. The A is all on him.

 

What counts now is how he is with you, and what he's doing to prove to you that he's damn lucky that you are giving him a second chance to gain your trust again.

 

You have every right to be pissed at the OW, she is a grown woman and knew full well from the get go her boss (your husband) was married. Just don't focus too much on her for too long, their affair is over and she isn't in the picture anymore.

[autumnnight]

I ha e compassion, i just get sick of listening to BS always rip the OW to shreds while not making the WS take responsibility for their actions. The OW is not the problem. OP should focus on her husband. She says ge wants to come home. 10-1 she takes him back too, and that is her choice, but if she wants to make it work authentically she had better put the blame where it lies, at the feet of her philandering husband.

 

And while we are talking about compassion, go read what some of the bs's say to OW who post and are in pain. There is none to be had.

 

I realize now that I think this thread was originally in the OM/OW forum? Yes, I can understand if it was originally posted in that forum why the responses were so intense.

 

I do agree with your complaint about compassion. It's my opinion that if you don't like OM/OW, then the answer is to stay out of that forum, not go there with the agenda of bashing everyone. Whether one agrees with the choices or not, the pain is real and shouldn't be added to.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Goody blue, if you're married or partnered I hope you're never in my shoes. It's awful. My h found a willing participant - not a shining star of a person, a well worn path to a well worn hole, his words not mine. And you're absolutely right, he's more to blame than she is as far as my m goes. But neither of them had integrity. - they were both the weak ones at the back of the pack who found each other since the strong people wouldn't be caught in a dead end affair. There are other spouses in these marriageswho are not cheating, and their pain is very real.

 

Again, the question we need to ask ourselves is if all she had to offer was a "well worn path to a well worn hole," why did he elect to go down it for the better part of a year? This wasn't a fling, this was a thing. He actively chose to risk losing his marriage in a not-so-descrete affair with her. Something isn't adding up in his story.

 

I tend to suspect this was more than he led on and he's joining the long line of men who, once getting caught, throw their mistress under the bus to save their butts. Even the dumbest man knows the best way to appeal to a woman is to tell her that no other woman could hold a candle to her... I wouldn't be surprised if the things he said about her are the very same things he said about you to her this time last year.

[Midwestmissy]

But she didn't get the best parts of him - only what he presented as the best, same as she presented a false front to him.

 

My question was for mow, I've been dealing with this for a while so she's not the focus of my hatred. My h took a 27 yr relationship and tossed it away for someone he knew for a few months and is now long gone. He's way more to blame.

 

Again, my original question was, if an mow knew her mm wasn't going to leave his wife, what did she get out of it. A few answered that, thank you.

 

The ow is gone. Her h stopped contacting me for info. According to him, they are trying. My h is grovelling. I'm trying to launch teens to college and model forging forward. If I use an anonymous forum to vent, I think it's pretty benign in the big picture. No harm no foul.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Remember, my husband was still having sex with me, whisking me off, etc - it wasn't frigid on our end.

 

Wait... you just said you were having sex, but you were emotionally disconnected:

 

"But I felt disconnected. Had he given me the attention he gave her, we could have reconnected."

 

That sounds frigid. At the very least, the same emotionless "why not?" sex he was having with her.

[Redheaded Mistress]

But she didn't get the best parts of him - only what he presented as the best, same as she presented a false front to him.

 

She got the best parts of him while he was around. The easy, fun parts. Most OWs get only the best part while things were good. I know when I was the OW, I got the 100% best parts of my MM, and it drove his wife nuts because she knew (and knows) I did too.

 

Again, my original question was, if an mow knew her mm wasn't going to leave his wife, what did she get out of it. A few answered that, thank you.

 

Ultimately, if she stayed knowing he wouldn't leave, he made it worth her while to stay. However, I tend to believe given her response, the revelation he'd never leave was one she wasn't in on until things were winding down. This forum is full of women who only heard their MM wasn't leaving his BS after breakups, D day, or both, after being told for who knows how long the exact opposite.

[Midwestmissy]

Yup the disconnect I sensed was during his affair with the ow. I felt it but couldn't figure it out. He was removed somehow.

 

He couldn't give 100% to both relationships. Who can? Also he wasn't caugh, he confessed A year after it ended and she was fired. My 13 yrold found an old email on his laptop. How sexy is that? No one was caught, it exploded much later.

 

As far as socio economics go, we busted our humps together for 27 yrs to do well. we came from nothing, and our parents taught us to strive. I'm proud of where I came from and what I've learned. I'm also scrappy. Not gonna give that away to a 50 yr old idiot who can't manage her messes That's not elitist. She has 4 kids and a teacher h. That's not shameful or gross - she is.

[Midwestmissy]

Redhead are you married? If no, then you don't know what the best parts are.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Redhead are you married? If no, then you don't know what the best parts are.

 

Yes, I am married. And I can say without a doubt, during the affair, I absolutely did get the very best parts of my AP, not his wife. For sure. I'd stake every dime I have on it.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Yup the disconnect I sensed was during his affair with the ow. I felt it but couldn't figure it out. He was removed somehow.

 

So you didn't have the sex life you are saying you did. You had sex, sure, but not meaningful sex.

 

He couldn't give 100% to both relationships. Who can? Also he wasn't caugh, he confessed A year after it ended and she was fired. My 13 yrold found an old email on his laptop. How sexy is that? No one was caught, it exploded much later.

 

If he told you after an old email was found, he didn't confess... he was caught. If it weren't for the email, you wouldn't know.

 

And if the affair didn't mean anything and was that well-worn path and "why not?," why would he have the emails a year later? That makes no sense...

 

As far as socio economics go, we busted our humps together for 27 yrs to do well. we came from nothing, and our parents taught us to strive. I'm proud of where I came from and what I've learned. I'm also scrappy. Not gonna give that away to a 50 yr old idiot who can't manage her messes That's not elitist. She has 4 kids and a teacher h. That's not shameful or gross - she is.

 

So again, it's about the socio economocs of you vs her and your needing to keep it, the material things, away from her, her 4 kids, and her "messes."

 

No mention of him. Just what he has earned, that you have as a result, and how you need to keep that from her.

 

Interesting.

 

Again, was this put up as one of the reasons that led him to an affair? You said earlier he was tired of being the breadwinner and you are a SAHM, and again the focus on you haves vs others have nots. For a guy who is tired of that burden of being the only earner, that can be a huge issue.

Edited January 2, 2015 by Redheaded Mistress

[whichwayisup]

So you didn't have the sex life you are saying you did. You had sex, sure, but not meaningful sex.

You are totally twisting her words. She didn't say it wasn't meaningful sex.

 

Yup the disconnect I sensed was during his affair with the ow. I felt it but couldn't figure it out. He was removed somehow.

She was talking about his disconnect, not herself. That he was distant, maybe 'somewhere else'.

 

I sense that you're trying to blame her for her husband cheating on her as I read the rest of your reply.