Worst friends with benefits ever

[Lovesick0904]

I started seeing this guy around this time last year. A mutual friend introduced us. He told the mutual friend that he had a crush on me and found me very attractive so the mutual friend exchanged our numbers. I was very hesitant to date him because he is a professional dancer. He is always very busy and he works for the airline as well, so he is always traveling since he can travel for free. Literally he will be in town one day and halfway across the country the next day. We work in the airport by the way. Not for the same company however. He is in his late 20s and I am in my mid 20s.

 

We would text all day every day even through the a.m. hours. He would come see me at my job to give me hugs and he would walk me to my car every night. We had our first kiss one night when he walked me to my car. I was very hesitant to spend time with him because I was in fear that he only wanted me for sex. I was a virgin and I didn't tell him, yes I know this was a mistake. He would always invite me over to his place or to hang out. He even got offended once when I accused him of wanting sex and said "I mean I didn't say we have to have sex".

 

Eventually a month or so later we did have sex at his place. I stayed the night with him. Sex was not intimate at all and he was very rough because he didn't know I was a virgin. Though I'm sure he could tell. It was probably obvious that I was very nervous and had no idea what I was doing. After that night we would have sex a lot sometimes even in his car after work. The sex to me never seemed passionate or intimate. I only did it because I had found myself falling for him. Actually at this point I was head over heels and we still weren't a couple.

 

 

Eventually we started not to get along very well. We would argue about his flirting and how we were not a couple. He would always say we are no strings attached. Everyone at work started to know about us sleeping together. People would even ask him about it and he would tell them the truth. I noticed that he had a huge ego. The gossip in the airport really starting to affect me negatively. He would always say he does not care what anyone says about him and that I shouldn't care either. We got into a huge argument after work one night in the parking lot. Terrible things were said and we did not speak to each other for months. He even yelled at me for not telling him I was a virgin which is understandable.

 

After a few months passed he started to gradually speak to me. He would even joke around with me about the fight that we had. One day he came up to me and handed me a hotel key and told me that he had gotten us a room. Sounded weird since he did not know if I would say yes or no. Why waste your money if you didn't know what I would say? When we got to the hotel room we cuddled, talked and watched TV for a bit. When we had sex it was different then the other times. He was intimate this time. He was kissing all over and interlocking his fingers with mine. He told me that he knew that I missed him. When we had pillow talk he started to ask me about my family and things that I like to do. We joked about me losing my virginity to him and he started to teach me things about sex. Like certain things that I had never tried or did not know how to do.

 

He went out of town for his dancing the next day. He was gone for like a week. As soon as he got back in town he immediately contacted me and we met up again. This time when we slept together, he kept kissing me on the mouth a lot. He was calling me "baby" and telling me that I could not be texting any other guys and even got pissed when he thought I was doing so. He started to ask me about my family because I do not have a close relationship with my dad at all. He was telling me how he's always grown up with a dad and how he sympathized with me because I did not. I mentioned to him that my family and close friends call me by a certain name. At work he would even call me over to show his coworkers my eyes because he always says how pretty they are and how long my lashes are. I started to feel closer to him.

 

 

Still we weren't a couple and I was attached. So I started to distance myself from him and he always made this snide remark that he does not chase any woman. I would see him around work a lot and he would either stare at me or make smart comments. One time he heard a guy call me by that special name that I mentioned and he told the guy that only Family members can call me that. I was so surprised that he even remembered that I told him that. I sent him a text message telling him that I would like to just be friends and no longer have sex or any kind of contact with him not even speaking. That very same day I saw him sitting eating his food in the food court and he stuck his leg out literally to stop me from walking by him. I was always confused by his actions.

 

We started to hang out again. I started to meet a lot of his dance partners and I even saw his son at his place. I told him honestly one morning that I would like for us to have a relationship without all of the negativity. He said that if I did not anger him so much then there would not be any negativity. I was lost because I never do anything intentionally to him at all and if I am pissing him off he should say so. When I told him that he said that it should be obvious when I make him mad. That conversation for me was bittersweet as he has never opened up to me that way about our relationship before or whatever we have.

 

 

Back in October we got into a huge huge argument the worst we've ever had. I stayed with him at his work convention and we ended up fighting so bad that I threw a coffee creamer packet at him. I told him some really really mean things I insulted his career. I insulted him as a person actually. Have not spoken since. Now when I see him around the airport he stares at me. Sometimes when someone else is speaking to me he will answer for me. He never speaks to me directly. Even when someone else asks me a question he will jokingly answer for me but still does not speak directly to me. The one time he did speak to me he joked about me throwing the coffee creamer at him but I did not respond really. I was very short.

 

Its Very hard for me to be around him because I do not know what his intentions are. I love him very much and he knows this as I have told him. I just find it so weird that he still makes conversation with me or attempts to when we have not resolved anything. He knows I want to be with him. I don't understand his approach or what he's trying to get at. I tell myself that I am not going to go back until he is ready to commit to me. I don't even understand why he would come back to someone he considered "not his girlfriend" after all the fighting we had the months before. Even if I were to text him right now he will be extremely rude to me. When I see him however, he always tries to joke around with me that is the part that I do not get. I don't know if it's because he has a huge ego that he'd rather act as if the bad things never happened. Maybe its like he said he doesn't chase women. So maybe he is trying to force me to address the issue

with him.

 

I feel like if I ever want anything serious with him or any type of relationship even as friends I'm going to have to stop seeing him for a bit. We haven't been seeing each other since October but I feel like maybe it should be longer. The holidays only made me miss him a lot more. I felt like maybe I should let the holidays pass and then maybe try to patch up a relationship. I don't know what to do anymore. Right now his number is blocked from my phone. I feel like the only way we can patch up anything is if I see him in the airport. I don't feel like if I were to text him or call him we would get anything resolved. Every day I hurt so bad when I don't talk to him.

 

 

Sorry so long

[Satu]

He's toxic for you, and you've had a big dose of the toxin.

 

Time to detox.

 

No contact.

[Danda]

Yikes this will probably be a tough one for you. He seems to love drama, having his ego stroked and playing games. But he's your first and thus far only sex partner and you work together. That is a mess right there, for sure.

 

And the really big kicker is that you've been a willing participant in pretty much everything, so whatever you do, don't try to take some moral high ground and chew him out (which I imagine happened in those fights) because he can throw it back in your face that you went along with everything, he knows it and he will.

 

That is the biggest way people get hooked in to toxic shenanigans like this, when they get so hung up on being right and the power struggles and so on, so every time the other person is able to throw something back in your face, you wind up conceding and coming back to 'try again' in whatever foolhardy mission you're on (changing them, taming them, getting them to 'confess' something, whatever).

 

Honestly in a situation this messy I wouldn't consider it drastic at all to look for another job. In fact that is exactly what I'd suggest. As little contact as possible while hunting for another job, and then strict no contact once you land the new job.

[Lovesick0904]

Yikes this will probably be a tough one for you. He seems to love drama, having his ego stroked and playing games. But he's your first and thus far only sex partner and you work together. That is a mess right there, for sure.

 

And the really big kicker is that you've been a willing participant in pretty much everything, so whatever you do, don't try to take some moral high ground and chew him out (which I imagine happened in those fights) because he can throw it back in your face that you went along with everything, he knows it and he will.

 

That is the biggest way people get hooked in to toxic shenanigans like this, when they get so hung up on being right and the power struggles and so on, so every time the other person is able to throw something back in your face, you wind up conceding and coming back to 'try again' in whatever foolhardy mission you're on (changing them, taming them, getting them to 'confess' something, whatever).

 

Honestly in a situation this messy I wouldn't consider it drastic at all to look for another job. In fact that is exactly what I'd suggest. As little contact as possible while hunting for another job, and then strict no contact once you land the new job.

 

 

 

Tough is an understatement. And hey he does throw it back into my face when I tell him I want to be done