miss talking to my daughter

[JaneInVegas]

My parents weren't exactly stellar role models, and I have struggled with motherhood because I don't have a strong foundation in "what to do" and "what not to do". Sometimes hard issues come naturally with good results, and sometimes small things trip me up pretty badly. I do my best. I take Motherhood pretty seriously. But we're not just mom and daughter, we're also decent friends.

 

So ... my daughter is 22. In spite of me she has turned out to be a pretty darn good person. But she is moody fairly often. The day after Christmas I was at her place. She and her boyfriend roommate with her Uncle, and his two kids (young teenagers) were there visiting. My daughter and I picked up some fast food on the way back to her place. We ate mostly in silence, I tried now and then to get a conversation started, but quickly realized she was starting a moody phase.

 

She outright ignored a number of comments and questions directed towards her, and after about ten minutes she stormed into her bedroom. After her door noisily banged shut, I asked her Uncle, "Is she moody like that very often?" in a joking around kind of a way. He laughed and said, "Maybe every other day." I laughed too and joked, "How do you stand it?" We both laughed, that was the end of it.

 

She had been in her room for maybe 15 minutes or so, and I was feeling uncomfortable alone with her Uncle and cousins (her dad's family). So I decided to head home. I knocked on her door to tell her good-bye, and she was furious with me. "How could you say such terrible things about me to my family? I'm humiliated! I can't even go back into the living room right now because I'm so embarrassed and humiliated!"

 

I was aghast. I asked her how I had embarrassed her, and she said it was the way I had talked so terribly about her. "You mean because we talked about your being moody?" She flipped onto her other side on the bed and just ignored me. I told her I was sorry she was so upset, but I honestly didn't know why she felt that way.

 

About an hour later she sent me a couple texts asking me why I had treated her so badly. I replied that this was not a subject to have by text, and I told her I love her.

 

I have not heard from her since, and it's been a full week. I miss her terribly. She won't return phone calls, texts, or messages on facebook.

 

Should I apologize for the comments about being moody? I have a lot of knee-jerk reactions going on inside my head, and I just don't know what the right thing to do is!

 

1) Apologize for insinuating she's moody, beg forgiveness. This would have to be done by text, voicemail, or facebook, which would make it very impersonal. I want to make amends with my daughter very much, but I'm not sure what kind of signal I would be sending by apologizing for something so minor!

 

2) Let it go until she finally calls me. In the past when she's been upset by something she will go for a long time without calling me, knowing she is exacting 'punishment' on me. She usually only caves after she needs Help From Mom.

 

3) When she does finally call asking for some sort of assistance, there's a part of me that wants to tell her no, regardless of what it is she needs. Withholding yourself from your mom until needing something is not a very nice thing to do. A part of me wants to cater to her, give her everything I possibly can. Another part of me is just pissed off that she chooses this option and I want to stop rewarding that behavior.

 

All I really know is that I miss talking to her. A lot. This all seems so silly to me.

[xxoo]

All I really know is that I miss talking to her.

 

Text her that, and leave the ball in her court. Just say you miss talking to her and maybe include a simple smile

 

Basically, ignore the tantrum and model appropriate behavior. When communication resumes, tell her that you didn't anticipate her getting so upset. Ask how she's feeling. Don't kiss her butt, but show concern because she seems to be having difficulty with something.

 

From where I'm sitting, she was obviously upset about something when she was ignoring questions in the living room, and speaking about her moodiness was throwing fuel on the fire. An expected response, if not a healthy one. She needs to learn to communicate better, and you can help with that by modeling calm and asking her what's up. Give space and show concern. Don't kiss butt and don't walk on eggshells.

[darkmoon]

it is not minor, you had no right to be snide in public, nobody has

 

if you love your daughter get to know her but just not the version of her that you want to see

 

silly? it was you who started this fiasco

Edited January 2, 2015 by darkmoon

[Janesays]

It doesn't matter if you didn't intend to be hurtful....it doesn't matter if the same comments would not have hurt you...it doesn't matter if you're the Mother or the daughter...

 

If you hurt someone's feelings, you apologize. Period.

[JaneInVegas]

Thanks, after reading your response I did send another text saying I miss her. I agree with the communication, she has always been pretty good about it, up until recently.

 

 

Text her that, and leave the ball in her court. Just say you miss talking to her and maybe include a simple smile

 

Basically, ignore the tantrum and model appropriate behavior. When communication resumes, tell her that you didn't anticipate her getting so upset. Ask how she's feeling. Don't kiss her butt, but show concern because she seems to be having difficulty with something.

 

From where I'm sitting, she was obviously upset about something when she was ignoring questions in the living room, and speaking about her moodiness was throwing fuel on the fire. An expected response, if not a healthy one. She needs to learn to communicate better, and you can help with that by modeling calm and asking her what's up. Give space and show concern. Don't kiss butt and don't walk on eggshells.

[JaneInVegas]

Snide? We were joking around like everyone does with their friends from time to time. Granted, if I had known it was going to distress her so much I wouldn't have joked with him, but her reaction is blown way out of proportion. We were talking about moodiness, not some socially deviant characteristic she has, or something incredibly personal that I indiscriminately shared.

 

Yes, it was me that started it, although I honestly truly don't know how things escalated so much.

[JaneInVegas]

It doesn't matter if you didn't intend to be hurtful....it doesn't matter if the same comments would not have hurt you...it doesn't matter if you're the Mother or the daughter...

 

If you hurt someone's feelings, you apologize. Period.

 

 

Well, I did apologize while I was still in her bedroom. I told her I was very sorry for hurting her feelings, which I was. And am. Regardless of that she hasn't spoken to me since.

 

My husband (not her bio dad) has suggested I do something tangible for her, like send her a little bouquet of flowers or something, as an official apology.

 

Don't get me wrong, I will do whatever it takes to make amends with my daughter. But, I'm having a hard time getting past the severity of my infraction in relationship to her reaction. I really would like to have a discussion with her about the importance of talking through issues like this instead of just becoming incommunicado.

[whichwayisup]

Maybe there is more going on there than just this one incident. Do you two fight or disagree often, or have spats over stupid stuff? And this one incident just pushed her over the edge.

 

And, just thinking is there anything serious going on with her health? If she is moody a lot and not just once in a while she may be unhappy, feeling down. Or she's just bratty and gotten away with it - People put up with it and enable her to be moody and rude.

 

Don't give up. Sooner or later she will come around, you're her mom and she loves you.

[CC12]

But, I'm having a hard time getting past the severity of my infraction in relationship to her reaction.

 

What you said was, "How you do stand it?" but what she probably heard was, "How can you stand to be around her?" It's not really that far of a stretch to interpret your comment that way. That, coupled with you joking around, and her being the butt of those jokes is likely why she's so upset with you. So I don't think this is as much of an overreaction as you think it is.

 

Well, I did apologize while I was still in her bedroom. I told her I was very sorry for hurting her feelings, which I was. And am. Regardless of that she hasn't spoken to me since.

 

The way you phrased your apology in your OP was not a proper apology. "I'm sorry you're upset but I don't even know what I did wrong" doesn't really cut it, in my opinion.

 

And later, when she had presumably cooled off, she texted you to ask "Why would you say that about me?" It sounds like you shut her down instead of answering the question. I agree that it shouldn't have been a conversation had over text, but why couldn't you have said, "Let's talk about it in person/call me." And then you would have had an opportunity to explain that while you acknowledge that you shouldn't have said those things, your comments were your attempt at lightening the mood of the room after she ignored your questions at dinner and then stormed out, leaving behind a very awkward situation. This isn't an excuse for your comments, this is an explanation of why you said what you did, which is what she asked for.

 

My husband (not her bio dad) has suggested I do something tangible for her, like send her a little bouquet of flowers or something, as an official apology.

 

I don't think she needs to be rewarded for ignoring you and having a tantrum. Maybe send a handwritten card if you want to make some sort of physical gesture.

[darkmoon]

Snide? We were joking around like everyone does with their friends from time to time. Granted, if I had known it was going to distress her so much I wouldn't have joked with him, but her reaction is blown way out of proportion. We were talking about moodiness, not some socially deviant characteristic she has, or something incredibly personal that I indiscriminately shared.

 

Yes, it was me that started it, although I honestly truly don't know how things escalated so much.

 

she has cut off contact over one gaffe?

 

she is no longer a kid, she is a pissed co-adult

Edited January 2, 2015 by darkmoon

[Radu]

Maybe there is more going on there than just this one incident. Do you two fight or disagree often, or have spats over stupid stuff? And this one incident just pushed her over the edge.

 

And, just thinking is there anything serious going on with her health? If she is moody a lot and not just once in a while she may be unhappy, feeling down. Or she's just bratty and gotten away with it - People put up with it and enable her to be moody and rude.

 

Don't give up. Sooner or later she will come around, you're her mom and she loves you.

 

This, i get the feeling there is more to this.

 

What you said may or may not have been OK, it depends on the family context.

But her reactions are not those of a well-adjusted adult, and if they happen often, that's a bigger problem.

[SycamoreCircle]

I would also encourage you to avoid speaking about people in the third person when they can hear you---it's an instantly alienating gesture.

 

I've known people who if they hear themselves described as such and such become very defensive. I don't want to hear that I'm "reclusive" when in my mind I just enjoy down-time. However, if you say "oh Sycamore, he loves his down-time!" I might take exception to that and say, "no, no, I love getting together with small groups of people from time to time." No one wants to feel categorized. We all want to feel like masters of the universe.

[CarrieT]

You need to text her a "validating" statement, acknowledging that you are sorry you hurt her feelings and that it was not intentional.

 

Then you can continue with describing how you miss her your connection and hope to TALK to her again soon.

 

Don't discount her feelings - i.e., moodiness - as it is obviously more than just that for her; even if you don't grasp the depth of what brought her there.

[jellybean89]

She sounds like a spoiled brat. Sorry. She doesn't get her way and she storms off? She is rude to everyone in HER home and she thinks that's okay? That's the PROBLEM with this generation and their parents. They coddle them, baby them, soothe them when in reality they should be standing firm, reminding her of her poor behavior which started this and stop falling all over yourself to apologize. You are her mother. Mothers are NOT perfect. You did nothing wrong, IMHO. She was acting like a moody bitch - and even she knows it but she is too busy playing the victim and woe is me. Screw that.

 

Until SHE apologizes for HER behavior, I'd leave her alone.

 

You need to start working on her, and working with her, on healthy boundaries and how to respect each other.