Heartbroken by my Best Friend [update]

[music_and_poetry]

Hey guys, I'm going to start off by admitting that I'm in a really fragile place right now. I came on here because I really need some support right now and I don't have anywhere else to turn for it. I'm super upset right now and I'm not looking for a lecture. I already feel stupid enough.

 

Okay so, a few months ago after getting dumped and heart broken over a guy I had been dating for 3 months, I pretty much closed myself off emotionally. During that time, things with my best guy friend of 6 years went from platonic to fwb. We've been flirty and cuddly with each other for years but this is the first time things became sexual. We were spending a lot of time together alone, sleeping over and texting all day long on a daily basis. I was completely fine with this arrangement for a few months (no feelings or anything) until I found out he added a girl on Facebook he had been messaging on OkCupid. I suddenly felt crushed.

 

He realized I was jealous and we had the most painful and awkward conversation. He said he liked me and cared about me but could never see me in that way because I'm his friend and it's weird. It's so hard because we get along amazing, we talk all day long every day, we make each other laugh, we kiss each other, we have sex, there's chemistry, there's attraction. I just don't understand why he wouldn't be willing something that felt amazing a shot. I'm so hurt right now.

 

I'm now in an awful place where I can't talk to anyone about my feelings because no one knows what was going on between us. I can't talk to my best friend and I just feel so alone. I don't know how I'll deal with going back to just friends. If anyone has any encouraging words of advice or support I would really appreciate it in a time like this. Has anyone been through something similar?

 

I just feel like there is something seriously wrong with me. I feel worthless.

[preraph]

I don't feel like there's anything wrong with you. I feel like there's something seriously wrong with him -- and I'm taking in a shot in the dark when I tell you I think it may be shallowness and feeling he has to try to find the best looking girl he can to see if he can build up his own ego. These guys who seem friendly and sexy with you but can't "take you seriously" are not making a statement about you but about their own ideals or needs to prop themselves up with someone they view as too good for them, in hopes others will elevate them because they have scored that level of prize. He's probably passing up on the right woman for him because he is still hoping to snare someone just like you only built like a Victoria's Secret model. He'll look back on this in 20 years and realize what a foolish young man he was.

 

If he was feeling that awkward or not attracted to you, he wouldn't be able to have fabulous sex with you, so that's not it. He feels he has some ideal he needs to achieve. I do think he knew what he was doing and that he was leading you on to some extent. I realize you must have agreed to this arrangement, but him having sex with you doesn't jibe with his explanation about feeling weird because you're friends, so that's really just a lie to cover up the real reason. It's a reflection on him and not you.

 

I know you're likely losing a friend here and I'm sorry. I think once you think it through, you'll quit blaming yourself and get over this guy and move on. This is a conflict of his that he is going to have to deal with eventually to find happiness.

Edited January 2, 2015 by preraph

[music_and_poetry]

I don't feel like there's anything wrong with you. I feel like there's something seriously wrong with him -- and I'm taking in a shot in the dark when I tell you I think it may be shallowness and feeling he has to try to find the best looking girl he can to see if he can build up his own ego. These guys who seem friendly and sexy with you but can't "take you seriously" are not making a statement about you but about their own ideals or needs to prop themselves up with someone they view as too good for them, in hopes others will elevate them because they have scored that level of prize. He's probably passing up on the right woman for him because he is still hoping to snare someone just like you only built like a Victoria's Secret model. He'll look back on this in 20 years and realize what a foolish young man he was.

 

If he was feeling that awkward or not attracted to you, he wouldn't be able to have fabulous sex with you, so that's not it. He feels he has some ideal he needs to achieve. I do think he knew what he was doing and that he was leading you on to some extent. I realize you must have agreed to this arrangement, but him having sex with you doesn't jibe with his explanation about feeling weird because you're friends, so that's really just a lie to cover up the real reason. It's a reflection on him and not you.

 

I know you're likely losing a friend here and I'm sorry. I think once you think it through, you'll quit blaming yourself and get over this guy and move on. This is a conflict of his that he is going to have to deal with eventually to find happiness.

 

Idk if I'd call him shallow. He's 28 years old and has only ever had two GFs before. He's very picky. He likes girls with big boobs (I'm a 36DD but that is considered small to him lol) he also said he likes girls with certain facial features. When he shows me girls he likes I don't really find them all that pretty but to each's own. He said they also have to "get him" and he has to like being around them. I don't think anyone "gets him" better than me. I know I'm not the cookie cutter of his dream girl but he's admitted himself that he finds me attractive. I think I'm at least comparable if not better looking than his ex's were.

 

I also know both of his ex's treated him like crap. The first one maxed out his credit card, lied about being raped, cheated on him and dumped him for someone else. The other one broke his heart and dumped him for someone else. It's sad because I'd never treat him that way. I would do anything to make him happy. I was so happy with how things were and I don't get it because he seemed happy with me. I'm heartbroken... I don't know how I'll go back to being just his friend or be able to deal with him dating someone else...

[preraph]

I don't know why you wouldn't call him shallow when he's rejecting you hoping to find someone whose cup size is unnaturally huge and whose face looks just so. Honey, he's shallow to the core. He's attracted to you enough to have sex with you but wants to chase the probably unattainable prize. Stop crying over him. It all sucks, but living with a man this shallow until you're 80 would suck more!! You can do better.

[barky2]

The thing is, you never healed from your first relationship.

 

Now suddenly when you get jealous, the old feelings that you tucked away, come to the surface.

 

There's nothing wrong with you, you just haven't given yourself enough time to heal.

 

You can continue being friends with your best friend, but leave it at that.

 

But distance yourself a little.

 

Yes your heart is tender right now, and you'll pretty much latch to anything...that's not a bad thing so don't take it the wrong way, but that's normal instinct...typical rebound.

 

Take some time for yourself.

 

But keep it in your pants with this guy!!!!!

 

 

 

 

Barky

[music_and_poetry]

I don't know why you wouldn't call him shallow when he's rejecting you hoping to find someone whose cup size is unnaturally huge and whose face looks just so. Honey, he's shallow to the core. He's attracted to you enough to have sex with you but wants to chase the probably unattainable prize. Stop crying over him. It all sucks, but living with a man this shallow until you're 80 would suck more!! You can do better.

 

Thanks for that. I'm really down and upset right now. He texted me today letting me know he found a bottle of perfume I left at his house. Ignored it and blocked his number both on calling and SMS. I also blocked him on Facebook. It was one of the hardest decisions for me to make. He's my freaking best friend. All I want to do is talk to him. But I really can't handle being just his friend right now. Especially if he's gonna start bringing other girls around. Maybe we can be friends again one day but for didn't now I'm going to control the situation in the best way I know how. By shutting him out and focusing on myself 100% from here forward. This hurts like hell but I think the alternative would be like a slow death kind of pain

[music_and_poetry]

The thing is, you never healed from your first relationship.

 

Now suddenly when you get jealous, the old feelings that you tucked away, come to the surface.

 

There's nothing wrong with you, you just haven't given yourself enough time to heal.

 

You can continue being friends with your best friend, but leave it at that.

 

But distance yourself a little.

 

Yes your heart is tender right now, and you'll pretty much latch to anything...that's not a bad thing so don't take it the wrong way, but that's normal instinct...typical rebound.

 

Take some time for yourself.

 

But keep it in your pants with this guy!!!!!

 

 

 

 

Barky

 

Barky, your advice always makes so much sense. As for the last guy, I think I healed from that heartbreak a while ago. I took him off my fb friends and let it go. Haven't thought about him in a while. I did date some ppl between that time so I don't think this was a rebound thing. This guy and I have been flirty and stuff since we meet six years ago. We've always flirted and cuddled and stuff. Things didn't get sexual until after one of my shows in November. Then we started texting a lot more, spending more time alone, and having lengthy sleepovers. He got much more affectionate so I stupidly thought that maybe something was there between us. I feel like an idiot.

 

He is my best friend and I love his company and talking to him. We're insanely close. This is going to sound crazy but I just can't bear the idea of being just his friend right now and hearing about him dating other girls. I blocked his # from calling and texts and blocked him on fb too. Maybe we can be friends when I can clear my head a bit but I think I really do need some space to heal right now. Being around him is going to hurt too much right now.

[preraph]

Thanks for that. I'm really down and upset right now. He texted me today letting me know he found a bottle of perfume I left at his house. Ignored it and blocked his number both on calling and SMS. I also blocked him on Facebook. It was one of the hardest decisions for me to make. He's my freaking best friend. All I want to do is talk to him. But I really can't handle being just his friend right now. Especially if he's gonna start bringing other girls around. Maybe we can be friends again one day but for didn't now I'm going to control the situation in the best way I know how. By shutting him out and focusing on myself 100% from here forward. This hurts like hell but I think the alternative would be like a slow death kind of pain

 

I admire your ability to make that decision as torn up as I know you are right now. It can only get better from here. First you have the hurt of the other breakup, still reeling from that, seek solace in what should have been a soft shoulder to lean on, him being a friend, and then it got out of bounds and now you've got that hurt piled on you too. Sounds like time to take a break from men for long enough to just be good to yourself and heal some.

 

Yes, someday, you might be able to be friends again. Him trying to get your stuff out the house, he knows it's over for now too. He should have had more sense than to do this with you.

 

Well, it's a new year. Rest up, pamper yourself and you'd be surprised how far that can take you to healing. Spend time with nonmale friends or relatives and do try to go out once in awhile not to manhunt but just for some fun company with girlfriends to keep your spirits up. I have to believe you've had your share of bad luck for the time being!

[music_and_poetry]

I admire your ability to make that decision as torn up as I know you are right now. It can only get better from here. First you have the hurt of the other breakup, still reeling from that, seek solace in what should have been a soft shoulder to lean on, him being a friend, and then it got out of bounds and now you've got that hurt piled on you too. Sounds like time to take a break from men for long enough to just be good to yourself and heal some.

 

Yes, someday, you might be able to be friends again. Him trying to get your stuff out the house, he knows it's over for now too. He should have had more sense than to do this with you.

 

Well, it's a new year. Rest up, pamper yourself and you'd be surprised how far that can take you to healing. Spend time with nonmale friends or relatives and do try to go out once in awhile not to manhunt but just for some fun company with girlfriends to keep your spirits up. I have to believe you've had your share of bad luck for the time being!

 

The thing with this was... he's always sort of been my best friend kind of flirty cuddle buddy. And we're talking YEARS before this last guy even happened. Of course there was a break of that behavior while I was dating said guy, I'm not inappropriate like that. We've just always been like flirtatious and cuddly with each other for the longest time. Over time the cuddling turned into sleepovers and it very slowly, I mean SLOWLY turned into making out, having sex, etc. At first I was just kind of enjoying it for what it was but then I just started to have feelings as things started to shift. We were texting even MORE. Friends and outsiders were starting to make little comments about how close we seemed. He was more affectionate with me in front of our mutual friends. One of my mutual friends even commented how the behavior was just so not like him. Even our hookups seemed to shift from wild and crazy to soft and passionate. It felt like something was there. Maybe I'm delusional because he can only ever see me as a friend - oh and a slampiece.

 

We've always been there for each other, we text throughout the day nonstop about pretty much anything. The contact is pretty much 50/50. I have just such an open natural chemistry with him which is why this is so gut wrenching. I wonder if he's noticed by now that I've cut him off. I won't be able to tell if he's trying to contact me. I wonder if this is the right way to go. The other option is going back to being his friend feeling the way that I do, and getting to see and hear about him talking and meeting with other girls who aren't likely to care about him as deeply as I do :\

[music_and_poetry]

Hey guys... this isn't exactly a break-up I'm going through, it's more like an unrequited situation. If you'd like to read about what happened, click here!

 

Long story short, was in a FWB situation with my BEST friend, I got feelings, he claims he has none and could never see me "that way" because we've been friends for so long. I was crushed. This happened on New Year's.

 

I basically poured my heart out to him via text message and he didn't return my feelings and I decided it would be better to cut him off for now. I'm still sad over things. He texted me once to say he hoped I wasn't sad over him and I should go to the gym and do things to make myself feel better. I didn't answer.

 

On Friday morning he texted me saying he found a bottle of perfume I left at his house. Ignored that too. I blocked him on Facebook later that day also for calls and SMS. It was radio silent over the weekend. I have NO IDEA if he tried to reach out.

 

My friend convinced me to unblock him on text message only. This morning at 10 AM he sent a text saying, "hey ____________,how is yall doing now that you are back to work?"

 

My head is telling me not to answer but my friend thinks I should "let him sweat a bit" and then answer. I don't know if I should. I don't feel ready to talk to him right now but I also don't want to lose him as a friend. I also wonder if maybe he might miss me if I do NC with him. What are everyone's thoughts?

[evanescentworld]

Never, ever respond to the guy again.

 

Look at it this way.

 

You have avoided responding to his messages up to now.

He has been persisting, because he's throwing you breadcrumbs - lines designed to get you to conform to the pecking order. He wants you to respond, because it's great for his Ego.

 

If you respond now - how will you explain all the other times you didn't?

 

("Petty and childish, huh?" He would suggest)

 

And if you respond now, his Ego will think "Oh yah bro' - you still got her on a rope and winch....! You can pretty much haul her in any time you want!"

 

Nope.

Cut the guy loose, move on, heal and leave him completely alone.

[Ducktape]

I don't know if I should. I don't feel ready to talk to him right now

So don't!

but I also don't want to lose him as a friend.

That train has left the station, sorry!

[Zahara]

My head is telling me not to answer but my friend thinks I should "let him sweat a bit" and then answer.

 

The only one sweating is you. He's just curious and probably guilty and that's why he's reaching out. Or even missing his benefit. But he certainly isn't sweating.

 

I don't know if I should. I don't feel ready to talk to him right now

 

There is no need to prolong your hurt. Cut him off.

 

but I also don't want to lose him as a friend.

 

That dynamic changed a long time ago.

 

I also wonder if maybe he might miss me if I do NC with him. What are everyone's thoughts?

 

Miss you in what way? Someone he had fun with or someone he's so emotionally attached to that he pines for you? It's the former -- stay NC.

[Simon Phoenix]

Your friend is doing you a disservice with that advice. You are better off standing fast and not responding and moving forward.

[darkmoon]

you could send him a smiley etc, i think you still love him, just be careful, as he was not serious about you in the past, keep it matey, i suppose

[Elle1975]

If you keep him around, he will keep on seeing you as his FWB/cuddle buddy. Furthermore, you will keep the wound salted.

 

I'd really keep the NC, so block him again. It was ill advice to tell you to unblock him.

[music_and_poetry]

The only one sweating is you. He's just curious and probably guilty and that's why he's reaching out. Or even missing his benefit. But he certainly isn't sweating.

 

 

 

There is no need to prolong your hurt. Cut him off.

 

 

 

That dynamic changed a long time ago.

 

 

 

Miss you in what way? Someone he had fun with or someone he's so emotionally attached to that he pines for you? It's the former -- stay NC.

 

I think you hit the nail on the head with this response. I do happen to know him well. And he has a very GUILTY conscious and struggles with social anxiety. This is to relieve himself. Thank you for pointing that out.

[music_and_poetry]

If you keep him around, he will keep on seeing you as his FWB/cuddle buddy. Furthermore, you will keep the wound salted.

 

I'd really keep the NC, so block him again. It was ill advice to tell you to unblock him.

 

He's still blocked on FB and on incoming calls. My friend advised it because he is my best friend and it gives me a way to see what he's thinking. Right now I'm pretty sure he's reaching out of guilt. Not gonna answer. Also, I'm not sure if I'm gonna want my friend back after I heal. Still on the fence with that.

[music_and_poetry]

Your friend is doing you a disservice with that advice. You are better off standing fast and not responding and moving forward.

 

Yeah I don't think it's gonna help to talk to him right now. I need some distance and he should know why.