Newbie... just found out they got engaged... 3 months after DDay.

[nothingman72]

Hello! Long time lurker, first time poster.

 

I feel silly even posting about it because it's all over but I just found out that my ex(not really)MM got engaged to his longtime partner... roughly three months after she found out about it and all hell (seemed) to break loose.

 

I'm unsure about how I'm feeling right now and was wondering if anyone had any advice or could share any experiences of how they felt after finding out?

 

My gut reaction was to think: man, they are so screwed. And it then made me laugh. And then cry. And then I felt bad that I had laughed.

 

Some B/G about my situation: I met a much older guy through a friend about two years ago. I was single and long story short, it wasn't until a year later that I found out that he had been in a "committed" relationship for about seven years. It felt intensely emotional but nothing physical had occurred (even though he had even taken me back to the home he shared with her and tried to sleep with me) because I was unsure about a) the age gap b) his confusing, inconsistent behaviour and c) had such little confidence in myself that I often wondered what such a "great" guy saw in me.

 

When I eventually found out I broke things off with him because I also found out that he had a history of cheating on her repeatedly. A few months later during an otherwise very stressful period of my life I drunkenly texted him and we began a physical affair.

 

It was complete hell while it lasted because I could see how much I was being used but didn't want to admit to it because I didn't want to believe what I saw. I felt so trapped and unable to walk away -- he had somehow managed to completely decimate what little self-respect I had for myself, left me devastated, questioning my judgment and sanity... and angry at myself... and yet could remain so calm and cool about everything and tell me that I was a "child" who couldn't handle reality.

 

She completely chewed me out via email, but then apologized which made me feel even worse. And now they're apparently getting married and trying to have a baby. I'm relieved it's all over... but it's such a weird place to be in emotionally.

 

Thanks!

[bathtub-row]

Someone who habitually cheats is someone to stay far away from. It sounds like his fiancé has self-esteem issues too and is hoping to salvage something that's unsalvageable. I'm sure the situation makes you feel weird but this is not a person you'd ever want to be with long-term.

 

I'm curious - you seemed to really do well in terms of being cautious in the beginning and then seemed to lose the thread. What happened?

[nothingman72]

Thanks for replying!

 

In hindsight, it was a combination of a couple of different things: he can be extremely charming and if I just ignored the weird feeling in my gut, he painted himself out to be this amazing guy and made it pretty damn clear that he though I was too. He was completely overwhelming in his attention and praise and against my better-judgement... (and I think the term for it is "love bombing,") I guess I just fell for him. So I was pretty far gone by the time he admitted that he was in a relationship (which he immediately tried to turn on me by saying I should have known... erm, how exactly?! Or as I told him, "Sorry for not automatically assuming that you're a total f****** douchebag!)

 

I definitely have my own self esteem issues that I need to work on but I really liked him, and ever the self-doubter, thought that maybe *I* had read too much into things, despite him flat out saying that I hadn't misread the situation and that "maybe in a different time and place we could have worked out." He had managed to work his way into my day-to-day life, and I really just missed talking to him.

 

About two months after I broke things off with him I had a bit of a personal crisis -- I was about to graduate and all the things that go along with that (finishing a thesis, looking for a job, not knowing where I was going to be living etc etc) and it felt like he had been this constant in my life and he had made me feel good about myself (if I ignored the teeny tiny detail about lying to me for a year!!) but at that point I just wanted a distraction and think I honestly believed I could just "have fun" with him and blow off some steam during a stressful time...

 

And so the plot unravelled. I moved to a new city for work where he visits regularly for work, and started to see more of the "real" him... so it did't help that I had a lot of external changes going on, and definitely perpetuated the whole thing...

[bathtub-row]

Well I'm not asking that to judge you. Goodness knows I've made my share of bad choices. I was just curious because you seemed so cautious in the beginning. I know it can be impressive when someone is charming and they shower you with attention and make themselves a part of your daily life.

 

If you've learned the same lessons I've learned, hopefully you'll never tolerate lying again, or be involved with someone who's already in a relationship. I personally don't think his current relationship has much chance of survival.

[nothingman72]

Sorry, I didn't mean for that to seem defensive in any way, and I didn't feel judged I guess the hardest thing for me over the past few months has really just been coming to terms with my own bad choices in this scenario -- especially after having been so cautious in the beginning, and trying to make sense of everything that happened.

 

But yes, lots of lessons learned for myself which definitely include those two important point.

 

*And I should have added: the teeny tiny detail of him having lied to me, and the huge detail of a whole other person I hurt in the process (her, not him. He's an ass.)

Edited January 2, 2015 by nothingman72