Terrible dilemma

[Sylvana]

Hi, I am also posting my story to you all because I've been keeping this secret for so long and I am desperate to get some perspective/advice. I am 48 years old. I have been with my DH for 31 years (since I was 17). He was my first boyfriend, my one and only sexual partner. I am his one and only also. We committed to each other very young but we were totally in love and couldn't wait to get married.

 

Eighteen months after we met I developed feelings for OM - a friend of ours - I think the feeling was mutual, even though we never admitted it to each other. I told my husband to be. He was very supportive and said it was probably just a crush and my feelings would pass. My feelings did subside and we got married. OM got married 5 years later to a girl in our circle of friends.

 

Life took over and I saw the OM less and less as the years went by. I was still fond of him but as a friend only. Myself and DH met him again 13 years ago and out of the blue, all the old feelings I had for him came flooding back. I was shocked and very confused but couldn't stop thinking about him at the same time. I told my DH. He was once again kind and supportive and told me not to worry, the feelings would probably pass just like the last time.

 

Thirteen years later and my feelings have not subsided. I think about the OM every day. I have tried NC but my desire for the OM does not lessen. It is very apparent that the feeling is mutual and OM has made it clear he would very much like to meet up for a drink. We don't get to see each other very often, a couple of times a year. But I am very aware that he is waiting for me to pass him my cell number / email address in order for things to progress.

 

I still love my DH - he is a good and kind man. I have considered leaving him but he would be devastated. We have had a good marriage over the years, no fireworks but we are a good team. The only part that is lacking (for me) is his desire for me. I know he loves and adores me but he doesn't show it unfortunately. He doesn't tell me I look nice, he isn't tactile, doesn't do hugs or holding hands, doesn't tell me he loves me etc. I have discussed this with him many times over the years but he never changes.

 

Perhaps that is why I am so drawn to OM. I only have to look in his eyes to see how much he wants me and it feels incredible. My feelings for him are so strong I believe I will never be free of him. I feel so guilty and selfish and a horrible person for feeling this way. I feel I am already betraying my DH. I don't know what to do

[Healthier Me]

Read all of the stories here of heartache and devastating emotional cost of those of us who made the wrong choice. Walk away before it's too late!

The grass always looks greener when your needs aren't being met at home, but trust me , a little unhappiness in an otherwise "ok" marriage is NOT worth the pain that will come with looking for it in someone else!!!

 

I know what's it's like to be invisible in a marriage and I thought another man was my rescuer . But he only added more problems to the equation.

I am currently tying to claw my way back from a three year affair. I won't lie, the thrill and excitement took the edge off at home, and he was my escape. But it doesn't last, and when it ends you still have the same issues in your marriage but now you have the heartache of the affair ending, and your problems have just multiplied before your eyes!

 

If your husband won't hear you then you need to make him understand that it's in crisis mode and you are ready to walk! Then do it! Wake him up by actually leaving! Maybe a night or two away will show him that you're serious .

[coolheadal]

You have fallen into a comfort-zone with your current DH. Listen you can't change him for who is! If you want all those things he's not doing for you in our marriage then it time get out of it. Got to put yourself first for a change. Clearly see your not at all happy. But the OM is the man you want to be with here.

 

So you have two choices: 1. Stay in the comfort-zone with the current DH or 2. Leave and with the OM and get what you have been missing out of with your DH for these pass 31 years.

 

Frankly 31 years is real long time to be someone like your DH and now after all this time you want to be with the OM. Have you spoken to the OM about how you feel? Is this OM unhappy in his marriage too? Before you decide to do anything you need to look into this. Otherwise once you pull out of your marriage, which will be messy since it's been 31 years. There is a lot to consider too. But in the end whatever makes you happy, but DH will be torn apart if you make this move.

 

DH behavior is the key, but too late for him to change. Might try to change but will end up back doing what you don't like, no holding hands, saying he loves you an etc.

[Dog Woman]

I can speak from experience as the ex OW of a MM who was in an unhappy marriage. My ex husband never showed me any love. I met my ex MM whilstvI was married , we had an affair. I decided to end my marriage (not because of exMM). My exMM stayed married. I then ended the affair except exMM kept contactimg me sayimg he wanted me and not his wife. He separated then went back to. I learnt through a friend he still xants me but is still married. I still love him and would wamt a bonefide relationship but I wont go back to being the OW.

 

The most important thing for you at the moment is to protect yourself emotionally. I would not jump into anything and give yourself time to think away from all influences. I. think you need to decide about your marriage first - whether to try and improve things or to leave your husband. Although the attention you are getting from the OM makes you feel good, affairs have lots of pitfalls - emotional rollercoaster, leading a double life, always covering your tracks and the biggest: the effect on family, spouses if you get found out. I would think long and hard before embarking on an affair.

[Sylvana]

Thank you for the replies. I have never had any discussion with OM regarding our feelings for each other. We have never crossed that line. It has just been longing looks, very subtle flirting, lots of eye contact. When we meet we are always in company (his DW would be there plus my DH, amongst others) so would never get the opportunity to speak alone.

 

I do realise I am playing with fire if I take things to the next level e.g. take up his offer to meet up for a "drink and a chat".

 

I know the right thing to do would be to leave my marriage but it's very hard to break up a good enough marriage for my own selfish reasons. As I said before my DH is a decent man, he is inhibited emotionally/sexually, no doubt, but this is due to his reserved upbringing, it's not intentional. I know I can't change him now, but it's very hard to leave a good man.

[LifesontheUp]

I just find it very sad that a marriage of 31 yrs could be thrown away for the "excitement" of an encounter with an OM.

 

Marriages do get into ruts. Have you thought about going to marriage counselling? If it were me, I would do everything I could possibly do to try and make my marriage better after such a long time.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Wow, I don't think this is really about the OM at all!

 

I think that you are just a very normal woman who deserves love and adoration both emotional and physical, and that, because you are NOT fulfilled completely that way at home, you find yourself longing for how it could be somewhere else.

 

OM simply sounds like a good, upstanding/appealing individual, who you have for a long time admired and dreamed about. Your mind, during such imaginative moments, is free to believe that this OM would wine you, and dine you, and take you in the way that you long to be taken.

 

I think that, as much as anything, you are valuing your own past/ongoing admiration for this OM perhaps more so than the OM himself.

 

If some grand, upstanding individual moved in next door to you, in due time (plenty of time) you might evolve to add him to your outlets for anticipating what life and love are like when you have completeness (or, more typically, what you perceive from this angle to be completeness )

 

That you have been together with one person for so long, and from such a tender emotional age, only furthers the probability that what you long for should be available there in your own home, along with increasing the void you feel when you imagine that you could be experiencing something much greater.

 

 

I just... don't really think your reported feelings have relatively much to do with this one particular OM. He's just (the nearest way to guess-at the feelings of inner fulfillment you imagine could be yours).

 

I'm glad that you report that you have discussed many times over the years your husband's lack of affection... and I wish I had a brand new angle of discussion to help you present differently what you need from your marriage.

 

Talking... communicating... and being honest and sincere really IS the best avenue for your next effort... but I sense your husband to be the best direction for your efforts... still.

[nikki76]

My H is a decent man too, but because of his upbringing, shows no emotion or affection toward me. In the spring, when my A started, i lost a bunch of weight and completely transformed my body to the point that I could wear a bikini. I havent worn any kind of bathing suit since before we were married....10 years ago. Do you think my H said one word on how good my body looked or how beautiful I am when I dress up to go out?

NEVER!!!

My xAP would show me so much attention. I craved it. Because I dont get it at home.

 

But, trust me, that attention from my then AP, will eventually fade. And you'll find yourself in this devastating roller coaster ride of emotions. Let me tell you, it will be like something youve never experienced in your life! And hopefully , you'll take advice of the others here, and back away, before it even starts.

 

And being that hes someone in your circle of friends , just takes this experience further down a road you'll wish you never travelled. My xAP is H friend. So he will forever be in my life as long as they are still friends. which makes NC so much harder.

[road]

Hi, I am also posting my story to you all because I've been keeping this secret for so long and I am desperate to get some perspective/advice. I am 48 years old. I have been with my DH for 31 years (since I was 17). He was my first boyfriend, my one and only sexual partner. I am his one and only also. We committed to each other very young but we were totally in love and couldn't wait to get married.

 

Eighteen months after we met I developed feelings for OM - a friend of ours - I think the feeling was mutual, even though we never admitted it to each other. I told my husband to be. He was very supportive and said it was probably just a crush and my feelings would pass. My feelings did subside and we got married. OM got married 5 years later to a girl in our circle of friends.

 

Life took over and I saw the OM less and less as the years went by. I was still fond of him but as a friend only. Myself and DH met him again 13 years ago and out of the blue, all the old feelings I had for him came flooding back. I was shocked and very confused but couldn't stop thinking about him at the same time. I told my DH. He was once again kind and supportive and told me not to worry, the feelings would probably pass just like the last time.

 

Thirteen years later and my feelings have not subsided. I think about the OM every day. I have tried NC but my desire for the OM does not lessen. It is very apparent that the feeling is mutual and OM has made it clear he would very much like to meet up for a drink. We don't get to see each other very often, a couple of times a year. But I am very aware that he is waiting for me to pass him my cell number / email address in order for things to progress.

 

I still love my DH - he is a good and kind man. I have considered leaving him but he would be devastated. We have had a good marriage over the years, no fireworks but we are a good team. The only part that is lacking (for me) is his desire for me. I know he loves and adores me but he doesn't show it unfortunately. He doesn't tell me I look nice, he isn't tactile, doesn't do hugs or holding hands, doesn't tell me he loves me etc. I have discussed this with him many times over the years but he never changes.

 

Perhaps that is why I am so drawn to OM. I only have to look in his eyes to see how much he wants me and it feels incredible. My feelings for him are so strong I believe I will never be free of him. I feel so guilty and selfish and a horrible person for feeling this way. I feel I am already betraying my DH. I don't know what to do

 

 

 

You are cheating on your BH. You are having what is known as a EA, emotional affair.

 

 

You need to have NC with the OM. That includes indirect NC as well so no looking at the OM FB page.

 

 

You are addicted to the OM that is why to still meet up with him. NC is a must along with telling your BH about that you are in a EA and need for the both of you to block the OM from having contact with you both. Mutual friends have a social event and they invite OM you do not go.

 

 

You are playing with a stick of dynamite. Get your mind of that stick before you get a hold of it and blow up your marriage.

[beach]

Be honest with your husband and talk about how you feel.

 

Give him the chance to explain his feelings too.

[Popsicle]

Work on your marriage.

[blue963]

Dont start another relationship until you are sure about this one. If you husband is a good man and adores you, why not trying to reinvent your relationship. We get in such a routine in our daily lives, why not suggest to take a nice trip together somewhere, make some new memories and new habits. I think we often learn how to have fun together. That is the glue to a good relationship.

[Rainbowlove]

It's about attention and lack of attention.

 

OM makes you feel alive. DH doesn't. Did once upon a time, but doesn't anymore.

 

After 31 years, you need to really work to keep the fire alive. You have to talk about the lack of Fire and work to get it back.

 

After 31 years, you have more than fire.

 

Name them. Keep naming them.

 

The fire in your pants for OM, once you have him, could burn out after time, too.

 

You are lonely. Tell your husband what you need from him again. Tell him if he doesn't work with you to improve your intimacy, you are out.

 

Hopefully, he'll wake up and work on it with you.

[Sylvana]

Many thanks to all of you for your replies. I have read and will re-read each and every one, even if I can't respond to them all individually. I am also grateful to you all for not judging me.

 

I do regret committing/marrying so young. I wish I had the experience of dating/having other relationships before settling down with my life partner. I thought I was mature enough to know what I wanted at 17 - I didn't take in account that feelings can change or temptation could come my way.

 

Luckily I am not on a Facebook, neither is OM The only contact we have is literally a couple of times a year at a social event surrounded by lots of other people so the opportunity to be alone is not a possibility. This is the reason things have not progressed.

 

To those of you who have very kindly given me your advice as a result of having had an affair, can I ask a question ? If a poster on a anonymous forum advised you not to have an affair due on their own experiences, would you have taken their advice and not embarked on your affair ? Honestly ?

[Rainbowlove]

There was no way for me to avoid my affair. I wish I could say otherwise.

 

My heart was in too deep not to follow it.

 

So I followed it to my doom. I'm recovering now, but it's a long road back from hell.

 

Good luck.

[Broom]

It's not about if a poster can definitively stop you from having an affair by their words. It's a collection of things.

 

For you to post on here asking for advice or reconsidering is showing that you could go either way. And maybe one poster's words doesn't clearly change your mind to the "NO" category, but a collection of posts and reinforcement of ideas could combine with the reservations already in your head.

 

It's no one's responsibility on here to prevent anyone from having an A. We can only give advice and try to explain our reasoning.

[sunburned]

Oh, I sure wish I had the foresight to look for a website like this before I had my A. I give u credit for seeking answers first. let me turn this around. If a bunch of Internet strangers had encouraged you to have your A, would that give you the green light you are so clearly seeking to do it? You are obviously a smart cookie, doing your research etc. Most of us landed here after it was too late.

 

It is very normal to be attracted to someone else while you are married, especially a crush from a distant past. There is nothing wrong with what you are feeling. What separates the boys from the men and the girls from the women is how you handle that attraction. What you do will define your character. No matter what other good I do in my life, it doesn't matter. I will always be a wife and mother who cheated. I really hate that.

Edited January 2, 2015 by sunburned
typos

[Dog Woman]

Many thanks to all of you for your replies. I have read and will re-read each and every one, even if I can't respond to them all individually. I am also grateful to you all for not judging me.

 

I do regret committing/marrying so young. I wish I had the experience of dating/having other relationships before settling down with my life partner. I thought I was mature enough to know what I wanted at 17 - I didn't take in account that feelings can change or temptation could come my way.

 

Luckily I am not on a Facebook, neither is OM The only contact we have is literally a couple of times a year at a social event surrounded by lots of other people so the opportunity to be alone is not a possibility. This is the reason things have not progressed.

 

To those of you who have very kindly given me your advice as a result of having had an affair, can I ask a question ? If a poster on a anonymous forum advised you not to have an affair due on their own experiences, would you have taken their advice and not embarked on your affair ? Honestly ?

 

If I'd joined LS before having an affair I would not have crossed the line with exMM who was just a friend to begin with. It spoiled what was a good friendship and just led to a lot of emotional turmoil for me

[Blu72]

 

It is very normal to be attracted to someone else while you are married, especially a crush from a distant past. There is nothing wrong with what you are feeling. What separates the boys from the men and the girls from the women is how you handle that attraction. What you do will define your character. No matter what other good I do in my life, it doesn't matter. I will always be a wife and mother who cheated. I really hate that.

 

This. This. This. I can't say it enough - THIS ^^

[still_an_Angel]

 

To those of you who have very kindly given me your advice as a result of having had an affair, can I ask a question ? If a poster on a anonymous forum advised you not to have an affair due on their own experiences, would you have taken their advice and not embarked on your affair ? Honestly ?

 

 

 

Probably not, its like a teenager being told by her mother "no". The pull of the naughty side of things is too strong. But we are adults here, with different life experiences, we can only learn from other peoples' stories and hopefully, there will be a poster whose words will reach something inside you that will make you think twice about what you are going to do.

 

 

My MM's marriage is like yours, they're high school sweethearts and are now in their mid-50s. As MM explained to me, over time, they gravitated to different life directions. This doesn't seem to be the way your M went, as you said, its a good M and you're great as a team. Running on the concept that you're not going to get everything that you want from one person, maybe in your case you need to work on the aspect that is not satisfying you.

 

 

I think everyone has a sex fantasy, even conservative, traditional people like your H, maybe you can work on how to get these thoughts out of him and act on them. Try and encourage for that playful side to come out, try a sexual bucket list, or role-playing where you meet him at a bar as a stranger and seduce him like a total stranger would. There are many ways, you just need to be creative and see what will work.

 

 

You've placed your crush on the other guy on a pedestal, your thoughts leaping forward to "what it could be" because you never had the chance to act on your crush. Yes, that is exciting, but how willing are you to experience what your crush can offer in exchange for the good M you have with your H?

 

 

You can still work on your H, but getting involved in an A with your crush is irreversible, the damage it will cause to your families will be devastating.

 

 

I'm an OW in a long term relationship with my MM, I'm still wading my way through this swamp where I can see land yet waist-deep in this relationship that is going nowhere.

[beach]

I contemplated an affair with a married man while I was divorcing - and I'm glad posters here talked me out of it.

 

That was many years ago.

 

I don't regret my decision not to enter an affair. In fact, I'm grateful they helped me keep my integrity in tact.

[Artie Lang]

if you believe "leaving him" would devastate your husband, just imagine how it would make him feel if he found out you cheated on him.

 

 

"out of the frying pan and into the fire," you say.

Edited January 2, 2015 by Artie Lang

[GoldieLox]

To those of you who have very kindly given me your advice as a result of having had an affair, can I ask a question ? If a poster on a anonymous forum advised you not to have an affair due on their own experiences, would you have taken their advice and not embarked on your affair ? Honestly ?

 

Probably not. Now having said that, if I had a crystal ball, I never would've spoken to MM. A single word. It's not worth it. This is like beating a dead horse, but please believe me. It's not worth it.

 

In reference to your original post, I also wonder, like another poster said, if you're in love with the idea of what the MM is in comparison to what your own marriage is now. I recommend some individual counseling to help you figure things out. Most importantly, don't take that step and give him your email and/or phone number and do not meet him for drinks. I know it's tempting now, but that's going to be the straw that breaks the camel's back and you're going to find yourself in a sh*t-show.

Edited January 2, 2015 by GoldieLox

[nikki76]

To those of you who have very kindly given me your advice as a result of having had an affair, can I ask a question ? If a poster on a anonymous forum advised you not to have an affair due on their own experiences, would you have taken their advice and not embarked on your affair ? Honestly ?

 

Thats a really good question, that I'll never know the answer too. I remember going online and looking up "how to successfully have an affair".

Looking back at that, wow. What the hell was I thinking!!

[Babs22]

I still love my DH - he is a good and kind man. I have considered leaving him but he would be devastated. We have had a good marriage over the years, no fireworks but we are a good team. The only part that is lacking (for me) is his desire for me. I know he loves and adores me but he doesn't show it unfortunately. He doesn't tell me I look nice, he isn't tactile, doesn't do hugs or holding hands, doesn't tell me he loves me etc. I have discussed this with him many times over the years but he never changes.

 

Sylvana,

Hi, I am new to this forum as well. I am a MW with two children having a 2 year affair with a MM. I cannot honestly say if I would have listened to all these posters advising you not to proceed with this idea of starting a relationship with another man. I never looked for answers, mine happened so quickly. However, you must consider that not one person told you to do this. Some said you may need to leave your husband, but also suggested you work on improving your marriage first. I have to say, I agree with the other posters 100%.

 

My story is so much like yours. I was 48 when my A began and I had been with my husband for nearly 28 years. We met when I was 20. My husband is also terrible at showing his feelings. He has never told me he loves me and did not show signs of affection, no hugs or hand holding. I told people he was like Spock and he is. My 16 year old son says he is emotionally detached. He loves us, but is horrible at showing it. But I had never thought of having an affair. When my OM started showing me attention and doing sweet things for me, I was thinking no one had ever done anything that sweet for me. Within a month we were at the movies holding hands, a week after that we were making out in a hotel and a month after that we were having sex. I never took the time to read or look on line or ask the question you ask now.

 

I would not recommend anyone does what I have done. It is very difficult to fall in love with someone who is already attached to someone else. I have ruined my marriage because now I am not sexually attracted to my husband anymore. He kissed me the other day and I was repulsed. I am not proud of this, but I am trying to tell you the way it is. I do not want to hurt my husband, he is a good man too. How I wish he could have shown me an ounce of feeling for me. It does not excuse what I have done. I am pretty much ready to leave my marriage because he needs to be free to find someone who loves him. This is going to hurt my kids. They are 16 and 19 and know how their father is, but they will still be sad that I have left him. I am totally in love with another man and have no idea that our future will ever be more than an affair. He says he can't leave his wife because she still cares for him. I care about my husband and that is exactly why I need to let him go. He deserves someone who can love him and is attracted to him.

 

If you have this affair, you will find yourself in the same boat. Your husband will lose any physical attractiveness you have towards him. You won't be able to continue to have sex with him. Your OM will most likely not leave his marriage, and your kids lives will forever change.

 

My suggestion is to avoid OM. Get some counseling for you and your husband. If he could just learn to give some compliments, tell you he loves you and hold your hand, it could go a long way in repairing what you are missing.

 

The grass is not always greener. I spent part of today sobbing because I know I cannot repair my marriage and my OM is most likely never going to be mine. Does this sound like what you are missing? I think not.

 

I'd be happy to answer any questions you have about this. You and your husband sound like you have a little something my marriage did not, communication. Its a good place to start.

 

If you still feel like you need something more, my suggestion is to leave your husband first, not after you have an affair. Hopefully, you will heed the advice given to you.

 

Been there, done that, wouldn't recommend it.