beach Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 I thing counseling for the two of you would help to work on your issues. Avoiding it is making things more complicated. I think your second response to his drink offer is appropriate. Telling him directly that he's inappropriate by asking sends a clear message. If he asks why then state you are married and you love your husband. It may help if you stop holding his gaze. That's his test to see if you're interested and he perceives it as a green light. Link to post Share on other sites
Babs22 Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 I can't tell him this again. It would be beyond cruel. He believes the feelings I had for OM are long in the past. I couldn't bring it all up again and expect him to be o.k. about it (yet again). A fantasy ?? Yes, that's probably all it is. Something I think about / dream about beyond what is healthy and normal. I just wish I dreamt that way about my DH. Thank you for your frank admission about sex and dating DKT3. It has highlighted the reality for me. I did attend therapy last year. I went for help with an eating disorder ... my grubby little secret came out eventually. My Therapist recommended "couple counselling" to improve our marriage. I was reluctant because I know it will all have to come out, but I may have to consider it to be able to move on from this. I have not pursued the OM but I clearly haven't done anything to stop him. I am guilty of that. If he mentions going for drinks the next time we meet I might say "Yes, DH and I would love to go for drinks with you and DW"! Or I could be more direct and say "please don't - that's not appropriate". That should put an end to it. Sylvana, It sounds like you are hearing us loud and clear from both BS and OW who have gone down the road you were thinking of going. We have all told you about the pain and heartache it will cause and you seem to be heeding all our warnings. There is no way to have an A or even a one night stand and not have it damage your marriage. You cannot have both. I think in the beginning I thought you could, but it is impossible, especially if you start having deep feeling for the OM. You sound like you do have a good marriage overall and I believe with some couple counseling you could have an even better marriage which meets all your needs. Do not worry about your husband finding out about your eating disorder, he will love and support you. You will feel better having that out in the open with him. If you cannot share that with him, how can he be there for you? I agree that you should cut off any contact with this man and if you see him again and he makes a comment about meeting again, you could tell him he is making you uncomfortable. That would definitely end it. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 I think a lot of people are making WAY too much out of this. As though being attracted to someone else while in another relationship is a mental illness or something. While I'm definitely not advocating that she have an affair, all this talk about going to a therapist and the harsh judgment is just plain ridiculous. She's attracted to another guy and wonders what it would be like to have sex with him. Big f-ing deal! Like no one has ever thought that before, or like this isn't one of our most basic instincts as human beings. Good grief. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Her therapist stated she could improve her marriage by doing couples counseling. And she has stated she hasn't been honest with her husband. So that leaves room for an improved marriage. Nothing wrong with improving her long term marriage! And there's no judgment I'm seeing... Just people trying to help her sort things out to better herself. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 This reminds me of "The Bridges of Madison County". Funny that you told your H that you need these things and even about your feelings for this OM and he has brushed you off. Yet, he would probably be shocked and devastated if he discovered you having an A. This is the greatest danger of marriage, they begin to take you for granted and assume you will always be there being that good and faithful spouse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nikki76 Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 This reminds me of "The Bridges of Madison County". Funny that you told your H that you need these things and even about your feelings for this OM and he has brushed you off. Yet, he would probably be shocked and devastated if he discovered you having an A. This is the greatest danger of marriage, they begin to take you for granted and assume you will always be there being that good and faithful spouse. Thas funny that you mention this movie. My therapist told me to watch it. Thats my "homework" assignment for the week. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Thas funny that you mention this movie. My therapist told me to watch it. Thats my "homework" assignment for the week. I always loved that movie, but after my affair, it killed me to watch it. Heart wrenching. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 If he mentions going for drinks the next time we meet I might say "Yes, DH and I would love to go for drinks with you and DW"! Or I could be more direct and say "please don't - that's not appropriate". Why are you so uncomfortable or afraid to just say "No thanks, I'm not interested in going out with you at all." and just walk away? BE direct, yes. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 I think a lot of people are making WAY too much out of this. As though being attracted to someone else while in another relationship is a mental illness or something. While I'm definitely not advocating that she have an affair, all this talk about going to a therapist and the harsh judgment is just plain ridiculous. She's attracted to another guy and wonders what it would be like to have sex with him. Big f-ing deal! Like no one has ever thought that before, or like this isn't one of our most basic instincts as human beings. Good grief. it's more than that, she has actual feelings for him and dreams of him. She even said she wished she felt that way towards her husband. This IS doing damage to her, she doesn't want to feel this way about OM anymore. It IS affecting her R with her husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Why are you so uncomfortable or afraid to just say "No thanks, I'm not interested in going out with you at all." and just walk away? BE direct, yes. Ahh I have wondered why some people can't be direct like this too. It's because they like them so much they don't want to offend them. Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Thas funny that you mention this movie. My therapist told me to watch it. Thats my "homework" assignment for the week. Seriously? That therapist would lose all credibility with me. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 it's more than that, she has actual feelings for him and dreams of him. She even said she wished she felt that way towards her husband. This IS doing damage to her, she doesn't want to feel this way about OM anymore. It IS affecting her R with her husband. She is scared it would end the attention, and she likes it. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Seriously? That therapist would lose all credibility with me. Her therapist is horrible, also told her that she shouldn't be honest with her husband about the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 some counselors/therapists don't have the experience necessary to deal with infidelity. let me tell you something... when a so-called "professional" advises you to keep secrets from your SO, get outta there ASAP and look for another therapist. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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