Terrible dilemma

[beach]

You may be mistaking lust (OM) with love (husband).

 

Write out the difference in your feelings for both and see how it maps out.

 

 

Lust is full of trouble - love is not.

[DKT3]

Sylvana,

Hi, I am new to this forum as well. I am a MW with two children having a 2 year affair with a MM. I cannot honestly say if I would have listened to all these posters advising you not to proceed with this idea of starting a relationship with another man. I never looked for answers, mine happened so quickly. However, you must consider that not one person told you to do this. Some said you may need to leave your husband, but also suggested you work on improving your marriage first. I have to say, I agree with the other posters 100%.

 

My story is so much like yours. I was 48 when my A began and I had been with my husband for nearly 28 years. We met when I was 20. My husband is also terrible at showing his feelings. He has never told me he loves me and did not show signs of affection, no hugs or hand holding. I told people he was like Spock and he is. My 16 year old son says he is emotionally detached. He loves us, but is horrible at showing it. But I had never thought of having an affair. When my OM started showing me attention and doing sweet things for me, I was thinking no one had ever done anything that sweet for me. Within a month we were at the movies holding hands, a week after that we were making out in a hotel and a month after that we were having sex. I never took the time to read or look on line or ask the question you ask now.

 

I would not recommend anyone does what I have done. It is very difficult to fall in love with someone who is already attached to someone else. I have ruined my marriage because now I am not sexually attracted to my husband anymore. He kissed me the other day and I was repulsed. I am not proud of this, but I am trying to tell you the way it is. I do not want to hurt my husband, he is a good man too. How I wish he could have shown me an ounce of feeling for me. It does not excuse what I have done. I am pretty much ready to leave my marriage because he needs to be free to find someone who loves him. This is going to hurt my kids. They are 16 and 19 and know how their father is, but they will still be sad that I have left him. I am totally in love with another man and have no idea that our future will ever be more than an affair. He says he can't leave his wife because she still cares for him. I care about my husband and that is exactly why I need to let him go. He deserves someone who can love him and is attracted to him.

 

If you have this affair, you will find yourself in the same boat. Your husband will lose any physical attractiveness you have towards him. You won't be able to continue to have sex with him. Your OM will most likely not leave his marriage, and your kids lives will forever change.

 

My suggestion is to avoid OM. Get some counseling for you and your husband. If he could just learn to give some compliments, tell you he loves you and hold your hand, it could go a long way in repairing what you are missing.

 

The grass is not always greener. I spent part of today sobbing because I know I cannot repair my marriage and my OM is most likely never going to be mine. Does this sound like what you are missing? I think not.

 

I'd be happy to answer any questions you have about this. You and your husband sound like you have a little something my marriage did not, communication. Its a good place to start.

 

If you still feel like you need something more, my suggestion is to leave your husband first, not after you have an affair. Hopefully, you will heed the advice given to you.

 

Been there, done that, wouldn't recommend it.

 

You can repair your marriage, if that is something you wanted. It would start with admitting that you control your own life, then getting OM out of it.

 

Give your husband a chance, trust and believe that once he understands how he has failed you he will work to fix it. I wish mine had trusted me enough before, during and after her affair. Funny thing happened after the divorce, upon reflection I saw the ways that I failed her and went about fixing them. At the point it wasn't for her but I would have been willing to for her had I been given the chance.

[beach]

Why not sit your husband down and tell him exactly what needs to change for you to consider staying married to him? It will take you expressing EXACTLY what you need and want from him.

 

Read a few books together that may help. Start with the five love languages. Identify how each of you expresses love - and reach beyond your comfort zone/limits to see if hings can get better.

 

Go OUT together. Do new things: possibly a play or a concert - or a movie or a gathering with friends. Try to reconnect emotionally.

 

Of course, all this is contingent upon you ending ALL contact with your temptation (OM) first.

 

 

Are you willing to at least start there and give the marriage a fresh start?

[Babs22]

You can repair your marriage, if that is something you wanted. It would start with admitting that you control your own life, then getting OM out of it.

 

Give your husband a chance, trust and believe that once he understands how he has failed you he will work to fix it. I wish mine had trusted me enough before, during and after her affair. Funny thing happened after the divorce, upon reflection I saw the ways that I failed her and went about fixing them. At the point it wasn't for her but I would have been willing to for her had I been given the chance.

 

DKT3, I really appreciate your words. I think it is sweet that you reflected and changed the ways you failed her. You have probably made yourself quite the catch for another lady. I actually do believe it is too late. Even if I got rid of OM, I do not love H anymore and cannot imagine what kind of therapy could happen to make that occur. Also, I am not physically attracted to him anymore. How do you make yourself be physically attracted to someone, when it is not naturally there? He deserves better than that. He deserves someone who has the hots for him and someone who loves him dearly. We all do. I think my husband would be willing to change some things about himself, but my feelings just aren't there. I really wish for him to find happiness with someone else. I think he can.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Sylvana,

 

 

I'm not an affair sort of a person, and this whole notion is still in your court...

 

 

and YOU can guide it in any direction... but at least recognize what really has you longing and wondering as you are... and it really is NOT that one particular individual.

 

Why don't you take the dare and direct your action toward your marriage... make yourself even more vulnerable as you spell-out clearly what you still need and want there at home.

 

 

If the husband snubs/denies/refuses you, THEN you have a green light to go and play around.

 

 

And be very aware of the idea that a self-created force/resistance is what might have you not as willing to lay yourself out emotionally in front of your husband to show the vulnerability you neeeeeeeeeeeeed to communicate to him {initially to make it clear how serious you are} as you once might have been.

 

IF you end up leaving your marriage, then THAT vulnerability won't matter much at all anymore - so what reasons do you have not to do this as right as possible and take the big chance (again) of sitting your husband down and juuuuuuuuuuust being honest about what and ALL that you need there at home.

 

It is OK,... it really is... lots of people are in those same shoes, and they are afraid to take that last chance...

 

IF you get (figuratively) stabbed in the heart... THEN you know... even if it wasn't what you wanted/hoped to know.

 

But you really need to put yourself out there (again)... in clear and vulnerable style, in order to learn definitively where you stand, and what your hopes are.

[bathtub-row]

What you describe as mere eye contact, etc, is how most affairs start. Two people rarely just notice each other and then hop into bed together. This is what is so seductive and addictive about affairs. It's like a secret form of communication and connection that often takes people by surprise. Then they're in it and can't find the strength to get out.

 

What you asked about, would we have listened -- I don't know if I would have or not. The reason I say that is because I didn't understand the lengths a married man will go to to seduce another woman. I believed that the MM that I had developed a deep friendship with was so different that no one understood him. I didn't think about the complications of it and how bad it would make me feel so many times. I thought he was leaving his marriage and had no idea how completely naive I was.

 

While I am never in favor of people marrying young, now that you have so much time invested in this marriage that is mostly good, I will tell you that you would be nuts to leave. You have no clue about what you really have because you've always had it. You have security and a high level of contentment in your life and that isn't something to take lightly. And having an affair would turn your life so upside down you wouldn't recognize it. Aside from the obvious moral issue about affairs, there's really a lot more to them as to why they should be avoided. They're so hurtful on so many levels. They simply are not worth it.

 

While I totally understand deep, long-term attraction and I will never discount the importance of having passion in our lives, it's just not worth doing what you're thinking of doing. The truth is, there's nothing wrong with living a clean life, not having a ton of sexual partners, etc. You have a clean reputation and that matters to you more than you know. Also, if you do end up sleeping with this other guy, he very well could start to view you as someone who's not as ethical as he thought you were. Men do this stuff all the time. They like to test wonen and consider them to have failed the test if they can get them to compromise themselves and their values. Please don't go down this path.

Edited January 3, 2015 by bathtub-row

[Sylvana]

Hi everyone, once again thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply to me. I am listening to every input. Babs22 our lives are very similar and I have already considered points you spoke about. I don't think I could live with the guilt of breaking up the family unit ... my DH and DC don't deserve that.

 

The OM married young too. Neither he or his DW had any other relationships so I'm guessing he is feeling the same as me right now (mid life crisis, regretting not sowing his wild oats etc). We all come from a really small town, it was not unusual to marry your childhood sweetheart back then, thankfully, this has now changed and the younger people date and have relationships before settling down. I previously asked my DH did it ever bother him that he was never with another woman - he said no, I was all he ever needed He is obviously way more emotionally mature than I will ever be ....

 

Bathtub-row, you spoke about how a man's view of a woman can change once he gets his wicked way! I agree with you. I would have to live with the possibility of OM thinking of me as a cheap lay if I do give in. Right now, he wants me desperately but can't have me .... that's very alluring. Everything could change once I sleep with him. I am very aware of that.

[DKT3]

Go ahead and sleep with him, after 20+ years of foreplay its going to be awesome. I'm sure your husband will understand and be happy for you that you were finally able to be with the love of your life, the holder or your happiness. Afterwards you will feel great, everyone will be happy.

 

Is that what you've come here looking for? Someone to tell you its ok?

 

Yes, you have already betrayed your husband because you are comparing a real life man (husband) to a fantasy. You say you regret your marriage. You've stole enough years from this man why not just tell him you regret marrying him and that OM is the one you want and let him go. Sure he would be hurt, but in time he would meet a woman that loves, values and respects him. He will be thankful of you for getting out of the way of that.

 

I may seem harsh, but from what your saying this is what I get.

[beach]

Hi everyone, once again thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply to me. I am listening to every input. Babs22 our lives are very similar and I have already considered points you spoke about. I don't think I could live with the guilt of breaking up the family unit ... my DH and DC don't deserve that.

 

The OM married young too. Neither he or his DW had any other relationships so I'm guessing he is feeling the same as me right now (mid life crisis, regretting not sowing his wild oats etc). We all come from a really small town, it was not unusual to marry your childhood sweetheart back then, thankfully, this has now changed and the younger people date and have relationships before settling down. I previously asked my DH did it ever bother him that he was never with another woman - he said no, I was all he ever needed He is obviously way more emotionally mature than I will ever be ....

 

Bathtub-row, you spoke about how a man's view of a woman can change once he gets his wicked way! I agree with you. I would have to live with the possibility of OM thinking of me as a cheap lay if I do give in. Right now, he wants me desperately but can't have me .... that's very alluring. Everything could change once I sleep with him. I am very aware of that.

 

Knowing that you are so tempted by this OM why haven't you cut off all communication with him? Having him in your life is about to blow your life as you know it completely apart.

 

Your husbands response was a man of honor and integrity. Those you lack since you have considered cheating.

 

You are not the wife he THOUGHT he married! If you can't be who he thought he married then divorce him.

 

Lusting and flirting with another man while playing pretty housewife is disgusting.

 

Get to counseling. You need help. You are about to throw all decency out the window for what? A man who makes "googly eyes" at you? That's like second grade behavior.

 

IF you can't be decent and kind within your marriage and quit flirting with this OM then allow your H to find a decent partner who honors and respects him.

[Friskyone4u]

You are right. A lot of people would not have taken the advice. They went ahead and enters an affair and blew up their family.

So you need to really ask yourself if you are prepared for that . Even if you got married at 30 instead of 17 there will always be members of opposite sex you are attracted to.

There are problems in your marriage and instead of addressing them again with your husband you are in an EAalready.

If you told your husband you are planning to meet up with this guy it would end the affair. You have told him in the last about this guy but why not now??

If you meet him for coffee you will wind up having sex with him and your life will change drastically.

But it seems like you are determined to do it. Just be prepared for the consequences when you are caught

[bathtub-row]

Knowing that you are so tempted by this OM why haven't you cut off all communication with him? Having him in your life is about to blow your life as you know it completely apart.

 

Your husbands response was a man of honor and integrity. Those you lack since you have considered cheating.

 

You are not the wife he THOUGHT he married! If you can't be who he thought he married then divorce him.

 

Lusting and flirting with another man while playing pretty housewife is disgusting.

 

Get to counseling. You need help. You are about to throw all decency out the window for what? A man who makes "googly eyes" at you? That's like second grade behavior.

 

IF you can't be decent and kind within your marriage and quit flirting with this OM then allow your H to find a decent partner who honors and respects him.

 

Very judgmental post. On top of that, you're assuming that her husband has been a saint all these years. Very doubtful. Since the majority of cheaters within marriages are men, it wouldn't surprise me if he has had his own attractions. Just about everyone who has been in a long-term relationship has other attractions throughout those years. If you don't believe that, you're kidding yourself. Judging and chastising her when she hasn't done anything is over the top.

[whichwayisup]

Very judgmental post. On top of that, you're assuming that her husband has been a saint all these years. Very doubtful. Since the majority of cheaters within marriages are men, it wouldn't surprise me if he has had his own attractions. Just about everyone who has been in a long-term relationship has other attractions throughout those years. If you don't believe that, you're kidding yourself. Judging and chastising her when she hasn't done anything is over the top.

 

OP said about her own husband: I previously asked my DH did it ever bother him that he was never with another woman - he said no, I was all he ever needed He is obviously way more emotionally mature than I will ever be ....

 

Her husband doesn't sound like a man interested in cheating or being with any woman except his wife, whom he seems to love and adore.

[beach]

Very judgmental post. On top of that, you're assuming that her husband has been a saint all these years. Very doubtful. Since the majority of cheaters within marriages are men, it wouldn't surprise me if he has had his own attractions. Just about everyone who has been in a long-term relationship has other attractions throughout those years. If you don't believe that, you're kidding yourself. Judging and chastising her when she hasn't done anything is over the top.

 

Re read what she posted. It wasn't judgment - it was based on info she gave.

 

I was only encouraging her to treat her husband as well as he treats her.

 

Respect and honor have merit and go a long way.

[bathtub-row]

OP said about her own husband: I previously asked my DH did it ever bother him that he was never with another woman - he said no, I was all he ever needed He is obviously way more emotionally mature than I will ever be ....

 

Her husband doesn't sound like a man interested in cheating or being with any woman except his wife, whom he seems to love and adore.

 

Men say a lot of things they think women want to hear, as we all know.

 

My point is, harsh judgment of her is totally uncalled for. She's struggling and looking for answers.

[whichwayisup]

You are right. A lot of people would not have taken the advice. They went ahead and enters an affair and blew up their family.

So you need to really ask yourself if you are prepared for that . Even if you got married at 30 instead of 17 there will always be members of opposite sex you are attracted to.

There are problems in your marriage and instead of addressing them again with your husband you are in an EAalready.

If you told your husband you are planning to meet up with this guy it would end the affair. You have told him in the last about this guy but why not now??

If you meet him for coffee you will wind up having sex with him and your life will change drastically.

But it seems like you are determined to do it. Just be prepared for the consequences when you are caught

 

I agree. Go take a read in the infidelity section and read up on what affairs to do the betrayed spouses.

 

Are you prepared to face your husband and have to deal with turning his world upside down, to lose his respect and all his trust/faith he has in you? To see him cry, vomit and lose weight? All for what? Lusting after another married man who has shown some sexual interest in you and wants to sleep with you? You'll also lose your own self respect and become someone you may not like or be able to look yourself in the eye in the mirror.

 

Are you a good liar? Do you think you could go have sex with another man, then go home and act completely normal like nothing has happened? Then go to sleep next to your husband in bed? Have breakfast with him the next day, sitting across the table and be able to look him in the eye and not feel bad/guilt/shame for what you did?

 

Ego feeds are one thing, of course everybody gets a thrill of that time to time and it's healthy as long as it's innocent and not going anywhere, but what you are doing is very close to crossing the line and taking a thought and making it into a plan and soon an action. If you cheat, it's not an accident, something unplanned...

 

Is your marriage and what you share with your husband, your whole life as you know it, worth throwing over a night of passion with MM?

 

If you don't love your husband and wish you never married him and it was a mistake, then divorce him. If you love your husband, then talk to him and spice up your sex life, make things more passionate and put more effort into him. Remember why you married him in the first place. Putting effort and emotionally investing in someone else when you're already married is only going to hurt and complicate your life.

[whichwayisup]

Men say a lot of things they think women want to hear, as we all know.

 

My point is, harsh judgment of her is totally uncalled for. She's struggling and looking for answers.

 

You don't know their marriage or her husband so to assume that her own husband is lying to her and telling her what she wants to hear is reaching.

 

Harsh and respectful advice is good. People actually stop and think...

 

Unfortunately in both sections, repliers give their advice and judgements/opinions, and sometimes it's too much. It's easy to take things the wrong way and out of context, though it's pretty obvious to most what rude and mean advice is vs harsh and reality check advice is.

[Friskyone4u]

Saying that most cheaters are men is silly. Her husband has been more than understanding and there are obviously problems in their marriage. But this time instead of telling husband about what is in her head with OM , the OP has now hoped the ante and is about to meet him and we all know where that is headed

 

And to the person who stated most cheaters are men, who are they cheating with??? I think most would be called WOMEN on the other end of the penis. So I guess all these women are innocent victims of evil men

The OP here is the one about to commit adultery. But it's her husbands fault???

Not really

[bathtub-row]

Saying that most cheaters are men is silly. Her husband has been more than understanding and there are obviously problems in their marriage. But this time instead of telling husband about what is in her head with OM , the OP has now hoped the ante and is about to meet him and we all know where that is headed

 

And to the person who stated most cheaters are men, who are they cheating with??? I think most would be called WOMEN on the other end of the penis. So I guess all these women are innocent victims of evil men

The OP here is the one about to commit adultery. But it's her husbands fault???

Not really

 

Most of the women that married men are cheating with are single. I think it's pretty common knowledge that more men cheat in relationships than women. Is that really news?

 

http://www.salon.com/2013/08/31/study_why_men_are_more_likely_to_cheat_partner/

Edited January 4, 2015 by bathtub-row

[beach]

Most of the women that married men are cheating with are single. I think it's pretty common knowledge that more men cheat in relationships than women. Is that really news?

 

Why men are more likely to cheat - Salon.com

 

Good god you're supporting a line like that with nonsense.

 

There's a high percentage of women cheating as much as men.

 

The gender of a person doesn't make them decent or not.

[Sylvana]

I don't regret marrying my DH at all. We have had a good marriage. I do regret marrying so young and not having experienced other relationships before marrying. I don't like to admit that but it's how I feel.

 

I am not determined to have an affair. I have tried to do everything I can for the past 13 years not to have an affair - including coming on here looking for advice.

 

Just to clarify, there is NO communication with OM whatsoever. There is no contact via Facebook, no emails, no phone conversations, no texting, no talking. I only see him once or twice a year at events like funerals, weddings etc. When we do meet it is a kiss on the cheek, a brief chat and a shake of hands when we part. The conversation is always in the company of others, so it never gets personal or intimate. We would talk about normal things, family, work, the economy!

 

There is no chasing on my part. He will always seek me out at these events. He will stand near me. If I move to another part of the room to talk to someone else, he will follow to be close to me. I can feel him staring at me. If I return his gaze there will be long eye contact. His parting comment is always "lets meet up for a drink sometime" in a flirty way. I would usually just smile and say nothing to this request.

 

I stopped going to these events to avoid seeing him for a few years. That was my attempt at no contact. Some things I cannot avoid attending as it would would look odd/suspicious if I didn't attend.

 

My DH is a very nice, decent man. He has high morals and takes his marriage vows very seriously, for better, for worse. He would never cheat on me. I don't know if he has ever been attracted to another woman ....? but he is a normal, functioning human being so I'm sure he has, but he would never cheat. He is very respectful of women, he would never view women as sex objects.

 

I know it sounds like I have little respect for him but this is not true. My DH is my best friend - we are very compatible. I do love him, I don't want to hurt him, destroy his life. This is why I am struggling so much

[CarrieT]

I know it sounds like I have little respect for him but this is not true. My DH is my best friend - we are very compatible. I do love him, I don't want to hurt him, destroy his life. This is why I am struggling so much

 

Tell him. Describe your struggles, your fears, your regrets, etc. I'm sure he has some that are similar but it would not destroy his life if you do nothing but share what you have been struggling with...

 

If he is truly your best friend, confess these feelings and it the whole situation will be diffused immediately and then you two can move beyond it.

[DKT3]

I don't regret marrying my DH at all. We have had a good marriage. I do regret marrying so young and not having experienced other relationships before marrying. I don't like to admit that but it's how I feel.

 

I am not determined to have an affair. I have tried to do everything I can for the past 13 years not to have an affair - including coming on here looking for advice.

 

Just to clarify, there is NO communication with OM whatsoever. There is no contact via Facebook, no emails, no phone conversations, no texting, no talking. I only see him once or twice a year at events like funerals, weddings etc. When we do meet it is a kiss on the cheek, a brief chat and a shake of hands when we part. The conversation is always in the company of others, so it never gets personal or intimate. We would talk about normal things, family, work, the economy!

 

There is no chasing on my part. He will always seek me out at these events. He will stand near me. If I move to another part of the room to talk to someone else, he will follow to be close to me. I can feel him staring at me. If I return his gaze there will be long eye contact. His parting comment is always "lets meet up for a drink sometime" in a flirty way. I would usually just smile and say nothing to this request.

 

I stopped going to these events to avoid seeing him for a few years. That was my attempt at no contact. Some things I cannot avoid attending as it would would look odd/suspicious if I didn't attend.

 

My DH is a very nice, decent man. He has high morals and takes his marriage vows very seriously, for better, for worse. He would never cheat on me. I don't know if he has ever been attracted to another woman ....? but he is a normal, functioning human being so I'm sure he has, but he would never cheat. He is very respectful of women, he would never view women as sex objects.

 

I know it sounds like I have little respect for him but this is not true. My DH is my best friend - we are very compatible. I do love him, I don't want to hurt him, destroy his life. This is why I am struggling so much

 

So what your saying is, this is 99% fantasy? And because of this you are thinking about risking your marriage with your best friend?

 

Trust your husband with your heart and soul, be honest and tell him the WHOLE truth.

 

We haven't been together as long but we've been together since 16 and 17 now 40 and 41. We also had been each others only. That is special. After her affair and split my number reached an embarrassing number quickly. Dating sucked and sex was never the same with any of those women. In fact the first time I cried like a baby after. I would give anything to have that special back. My life wasn't enriched from the sex with those other women. Did I mention dating sucked?

[Sylvana]

I can't tell him this again. It would be beyond cruel. He believes the feelings I had for OM are long in the past. I couldn't bring it all up again and expect him to be o.k. about it (yet again).

 

A fantasy ?? Yes, that's probably all it is. Something I think about / dream about beyond what is healthy and normal. I just wish I dreamt that way about my DH.

 

Thank you for your frank admission about sex and dating DKT3. It has highlighted the reality for me.

 

I did attend therapy last year. I went for help with an eating disorder ... my grubby little secret came out eventually. My Therapist recommended "couple counselling" to improve our marriage. I was reluctant because I know it will all have to come out, but I may have to consider it to be able to move on from this.

 

I have not pursued the OM but I clearly haven't done anything to stop him. I am guilty of that. If he mentions going for drinks the next time we meet I might say "Yes, DH and I would love to go for drinks with you and DW"! Or I could be more direct and say "please don't - that's not appropriate".

 

That should put an end to it.

[Thriving]

PLEASE do NOT have an affair!!! As a BS, I know the pain your DH will go through. It changes who you are when your spouse cheats. I have never felt this kind of pain! It is like dealing with a death. You question everything about your life and marriage- did he ever love me? How could he do this if he loved me? What's wrong with me? What did I do to deserve this? Was my whole marriage a lie? Who is this stranger I married? How can I trust him? How can I trust myself again? How can I trust anyone? - this is just the beginning of the questions. The mind movies, wondering about every moment of the past few years, wondering what they said, what they did together, why he replaced me with her- this is just the tip of the iceberg of what a BS feels. Read up on the effect an affair has on the BS and you may have an idea of what your DH will go through.

 

What about OM's wife? Have you thought about her in all of this? What about any children involved?

 

What about you? Do you have any idea how you will feel if you do this? The guilt and shame?

 

PLEASE DON'T DO IT!!

 

Go to marriage counseling instead-it will really help you to communicate your needs. It could save your marriage and save you and DH so much heartache!

[bathtub-row]

I agree - don't mention this to your husband. Enough is enough. At some point, it just becomes cruel.

 

For every warm thought you may have about this other guy, it just won't be good enough to ruin what your life is right now. Even if he's the nicest and sweetest guy in the world, he can never be nice or sweet enough to make it worth it. Affairs are destructive on so many levels, even if no one ever finds out. You seem to have a good husband that you can trust. A lot of people don't even have that; they can't even trust their spouse. A lot of people hate or fear their spouses.

 

As I mentioned before, it's probably hard for you to fully appreciate because you've always had it, but look around you -- most marriages suck a great deal. Most of them. Look at this other guy -- he's ready to cheat on his wife. It's everywhere, this incredible discontent because there are so many people out there who are so mentally and emotionally unstable. This instability makes for very bad marriages.

 

And I'm not saying necessarily that the people who cheat are the unstable ones. It's likely that their spouse is so unstable that they've been driven to do something, anything, to feel better. It's not the smartest thing to do, yet people do it because they don't want to make the tough decision to divorce. If you ever watch Forensic Files or any of those other crime shows, you'd see that a lot of people prefer to murder their spouse than divorce. It's nuts.

 

My point is, there are a lot of people out there who are narcissitic, mentally imbalanced, or just plain mean. I say, try to be happy with what you have because it sounds like you have a good thing, which is rare.

 

There may be some part of you that thinks you and the other guy were meant to be together. But, the truth is, you were meant to be with your husband. You chose him and you have spent the better part of your life with him. Just keep the warm fantasies and remember that that's all they are.