Abuse from a Sibling

[msfreebyme]

So thankfully I no longer have any form of abuse in my love life and I have found a very healthy relationship.

Unfortunately, I have come to realize I have a sibling that has been mostly mentally abusive to me and can grow to be physically abusive. She can be a wonderful person but then switch to become basically a prison warden. She has been this way ever since I can remember. We are both in our early twenties and I am the younger sister. When we were teens, she would hit me and call me very bad names like fat, stupid and more which has caused my self esteem to be very low as an adult. The names have gone away and turned into backhanded comments.

I have had numerous occurrences of passive aggressive comments now. This especially occurs when I am doing something she isn't in favor of like leaving the house and she is alone. She has had anxiety and has been sick from when we were young. I love her and I want to help her. But this has only caused her to use her problems to her advantage when I want to leave to hang with friends and especially my boyfriend and spend the night somewhere else. She will lie and even become super angry and verbally abusive when I refuse to do what she wants. Even if it is as small as doing something she is capable to do on her own.

Considering we still rely on our parents I try to speak to my parents (which they are aware of the issue) but it either backfires in my face or I get a reply of "deal with the issue yourself" or "we have no idea what to do but good luck with that". Or when I speak to them, they take my sisters side and say I need to take care of my sister. My situation is that I do live in a college dorm in another state but sometimes I have to go to my parents condo in the same state and live there while on break so my sister isn't alone. Considering if she has panic attacks she drives to the hospital. My job has become to help her when that issue arises..which becomes an often event when she is away from our parents.

My sister recently has done stuff like take the knob off of my door when I wanted to just be away from her. She then proceeded to slap me when I argued back at her. She will make passive aggressive comments towards my loved ones and discourage me from seeing my friends and boyfriend with either saying she isn't feeling good or saying she cannot be alone. The issue is you can break up in a relationship...but you can't break up with your family member. I am also aware that people with this control typically do not change unless the become aware. I have made her aware and had talked to her, screamed at her, cried to her, and she will not believe she is controlling and manipulative.

 

 

I love and care for my sister and I just want us to not have these issues. Any advice to at least deal with the situation in a better way? I'm lost and I feel so emotionally drained. Please help.

[Dontfindme]

I'm so sorry to hear, I can understand how hard that may be.

 

Is your sister seeing a psychologist? From the sounds of it, that may be her (and yours) best bet.

[msfreebyme]

I'm so sorry to hear, I can understand how hard that may be.

 

Is your sister seeing a psychologist? From the sounds of it, that may be her (and yours) best bet.

 

 

Thank you....I'm sorry too. She has before...but she soon after stops going. Sadly, I do not believe she would go to a psychologist with me.

[bathtub-row]

She's extremely unbalanced mentally. Probably the best you can do is avoid her when you can. When you get out of college and on your own, avoid her at all costs. Also, I would tell your parents that if she ever hits you again, you won't do anything for her again, including driving her to the hospital. Where she needs to be driven is to a mental institution.

 

Basically, you and your parents need to create consequences for her behavior. If this doesn't work, or if your parents won't back you, then either stay at college (once you're out of the dorm situation), or find another way to pay for college yourself through work and loans. That way, you're not at your parent's mercy for money and you can get completely away from your sister.

[spiderowl]

It sounds very difficult and stressful. I think somehow you need to make your parents aware that your sister's behaviour is abusive, not just 'her'. If they've had this all along and basically rub along with her and cope and are grateful for times when they can leave her to someone else (you), they may not have realised that it is abuse.

 

Perhaps if you reframe her behaviour as abusive - she hits you, she threatens you, she invades your privacy, she damages your property - then they will realise she needs help and that it's not optional any longer.

 

Your sister obviously does have serious problems. It sounds like the whole family has been coping with them as best they can and they probably see her behaviour as just wanting attention from you rather than abusive to you. Is there anyone you know outside the family - your GP/doctor, for example - who could talk to your parents and help them see they need to look at interventions now?

 

Of course, your parents may be entirely aware of the situation and have coped with it for a long time. They could be at their wits' end too and feel that you should put up with it like they've had to. Who knows? Pressing the point home that her behaviour is abnormal and abusive might trigger them to seek more help. Another way of dealing with it might be to report her to the police if she does abuse you in any way. Your parents might take your complaints a whole lot more seriously once they realise you won't accept it as just the way she is.

 

I wish you all the best with this. It's a very difficult situation and I'm sure you are not alone in dealing with an abusive family member.

[bathtub-row]

It sounds very difficult and stressful. I think somehow you need to make your parents aware that your sister's behaviour is abusive, not just 'her'. If they've had this all along and basically rub along with her and cope and are grateful for times when they can leave her to someone else (you), they may not have realised that it is abuse.

 

Perhaps if you reframe her behaviour as abusive - she hits you, she threatens you, she invades your privacy, she damages your property - then they will realise she needs help and that it's not optional any longer.

 

Your sister obviously does have serious problems. It sounds like the whole family has been coping with them as best they can and they probably see her behaviour as just wanting attention from you rather than abusive to you. Is there anyone you know outside the family - your GP/doctor, for example - who could talk to your parents and help them see they need to look at interventions now?

 

Of course, your parents may be entirely aware of the situation and have coped with it for a long time. They could be at their wits' end too and feel that you should put up with it like they've had to. Who knows? Pressing the point home that her behaviour is abnormal and abusive might trigger them to seek more help. Another way of dealing with it might be to report her to the police if she does abuse you in any way. Your parents might take your complaints a whole lot more seriously once they realise you won't accept it as just the way she is.

 

I wish you all the best with this. It's a very difficult situation and I'm sure you are not alone in dealing with an abusive family member.

 

Very good advice here.

[Downtown]

I have a sibling that has been mostly mentally abusive to me and can grow to be physically abusive. Any advice to at least deal with the situation in a better way?

MsFree, my advice is to get a better understanding of what it is you're dealing with. Toward that end, I suggest you ask your therapist -- the one you've been seeing about your depression -- what your sister's issue seems to be. Once you know what pattern of behaviors she is exhibiting, you will unlock a world of online information about it by simply using Google.

 

I note that the behaviors you describe -- e.g., emotionally unstable, clingy, irrational anger, hating to be alone, and the verbal and physical abuse -- are some of the warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, MsFree.

[jellybean89]

Taking care of your sister is NOT your responsibility. Quite frankly, I'd stop making her issues your issues. You can only control you and I'd stop being her care taker. Get a job so you have less time to deal with her. If you are at college and in a dorm, I'd stop going to your parents condo unless it's a holiday. Start standing up for yourself. You do not have to take her abuse. She is your parents responsibility.