Women only: What was the longest you went without any dating or sex?

[kaylan]

Im trying to get a better understanding of why an attractive woman might go a long time without dating or sex. This means no hookups, no kissing, no romantic first meet ups. I mean nothing. This means someone who only dealt with work, family, friends, and hobbies with no dating at all during this long period.

 

Please tell me your longest dry spell without dating or sex of any kind, and why it went so long.

 

Please women only. Guys can respond, but only in replying directly to the topic, and having the post be about women. Lets not have a discussion about male dating life or sex life please.

 

The purpose of this thread is for me to further understand a particular gal who was out of the game for years at a time. I have a hard time wrapping my mind around it. Especially since she seems pretty normal and isnt at all disinterested in men or sex. Part of me wonders if such a long dry spell is even true in her case.

[Kristine]

2006 to 2010. I was healing from the divorce and simultaneous loss of my father. Would have been longer but ex hubby and I hooked up once about a year after the divorce. Then I was focused on completing my education. BS degree completed 2011, had a few short term relationships in 2010.

 

2011 to 2014, nothing. Started to give up on finding someone honestly. Even thought my dating profiles were all taken down, but I got a message, actually two. One from the current guy another from a cat fish guy I figured out was a fake.

 

My life is proving to be better off without men, but sadly I'm drawn to them.

[Conners]

I haven't been in the dating game very long. I had my first boyfriend when I was 19 so four years ago and when I broke up with him I started dating my current boyfriend 6 months later. However I did hook up with people in between that time but didn't have sex.

[CarrieT]

In my 30s, I was in an 11-year relationship where I went several years with no sex.

 

Then, in my 40s, I was in a passionate relationship that was toxic; the first 14 months were sex-filled (everywhere, all the time, public places, two-and-three times a day, etc.) and then the final 18 months were 100% sexless - and ultimately brought me to LS to figure out why.

 

When I finally ended that relationship, I had one or two one-night-stands to get over not having had sex for so long, but then I went into another one-year dry spell.

[TabbyHearts]

I went from January 2012 to December 2014 (yes, just last month) without even kissing a guy.

 

After I was rudely dumped in January 2012 I got very disillusioned about men and relationships so I started going on trips with my girlfriends and then I got very into a training and lifestyle program at my gym and literally did not focus a single iota on men, all my life was full up of work and my new lifestyle.

 

I found personally as far as emotional multi-tasking goes, one thing tends to take precedence and other stuff like putting an effort into dating falls by the way side. Dating for me is a very consuming experience, especially if I meet someone I like, so I find it hard to focus on much else.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Personally, not long. But when it comes to friends, the primary reasons I know of successful, beautiful, funny and interesting friends staying completely single (no dates, sex, kissing, relationship, nothing) were either:

 

a) they got really hurt in their past relationship, and didn't want anything to do with romance or sex for a while as they focused on their own life, their friends, and their career, or...

 

b) I have one or two friends who genuinely aren't interested in a relationship. They're still virgins in our mid-twenties and have no plans to date or see guys. If they wanted to, they easily could... but they have no desire or drive to do so.

[Toodaloo]

It was about 4 or 5 years. I didn't count so it may have been longer. Pretty much most of my 20's though.

 

I just didn't want to be in a relationship. I wasn't ready to settle and didn't think it was fair to lead anyone on. I was happy on my own and trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life and how I wanted my life to look.

 

In the end I realised that I actually wanted to be with someone "special", I wanted to settle with just one person, so started again. I tried to be more... whats the word I am looking for here????

 

Been a roller coaster of disasters since where I have been treated like dung and come out at the end of it the effort and trying with sod all. I have supported men and been what everyone seems to suppose is the "good wife". Its got me no where.

 

Think its going to be another long dry spell as I have bigger priorities in my life and just can't be bothered with all the hassle and wasted emotions. I am not closing myself off but I am not going to stress or define who I am simply because of my relationship status. Would rather waste my time and emotions (both good and bad) on someone who is worth it. At the moment the only people I care enough about to do that are my friends and family so they get my attention.

 

The price of Duracel and Ever Ready stocks are about to rocket...

 

It sounds callus but I am actually far better off with out a man in my life. Financially, emotionally, time... Until I meet someone who actually values me as a person rather than as a hole to stick a penis into, who has a cook and clean function that also pays the bills... I am good on my own. I don't hate men, I am just fed up of being used by them. Mostly the sex I have on my own is even better...

[Danda]

TBH figure my input is irrelevant since this is really about you not asking and actually listening to the woman mentioned in your post and then furthermore putting her up on trial as a liar depending on what we say about our own lives. Although I admit I find it strange that you don't believe her, but you would believe me, a total stranger on the internet.

[kaylan]

TBH figure my input is irrelevant since this is really about you not asking and actually listening to the woman mentioned in your post and then furthermore putting her up on trial as a liar depending on what we say about our own lives. Although I admit I find it strange that you don't believe her, but you would believe me, a total stranger on the internet.

:yawn:

 

You done?

 

Anyways,

 

Thanks to the ladies who have chimed in so far. Looking forward to more responses.

It was about 4 or 5 years. I didn't count so it may have been longer. Pretty much most of my 20's though.

 

I just didn't want to be in a relationship. I wasn't ready to settle and didn't think it was fair to lead anyone on. I was happy on my own and trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life and how I wanted my life to look.

 

In the end I realised that I actually wanted to be with someone "special", I wanted to settle with just one person, so started again. I tried to be more... whats the word I am looking for here????

 

Been a roller coaster of disasters since where I have been treated like dung and come out at the end of it the effort and trying with sod all. I have supported men and been what everyone seems to suppose is the "good wife". Its got me no where.

 

Think its going to be another long dry spell as I have bigger priorities in my life and just can't be bothered with all the hassle and wasted emotions. I am not closing myself off but I am not going to stress or define who I am simply because of my relationship status. Would rather waste my time and emotions (both good and bad) on someone who is worth it. At the moment the only people I care enough about to do that are my friends and family so they get my attention.

 

The price of Duracel and Ever Ready stocks are about to rocket...

 

It sounds callus but I am actually far better off with out a man in my life. Financially, emotionally, time... Until I meet someone who actually values me as a person rather than as a hole to stick a penis into, who has a cook and clean function that also pays the bills... I am good on my own. I don't hate men, I am just fed up of being used by them. Mostly the sex I have on my own is even better...

I can understand your disillusionment with dating. Its why Ive been single for so long myself. I really dont know how or if Ill ever be able to be in a relationship again. Im very untrusting thanks to my exes and a couple women Ive dated casually.

 

Regarding your last paragraph though, this woman Im seeing actually wants to keep things casual. Which is very good and comfortable for me. Which is also why Im kinda confused. She went from a long dry spell...then had a few quick flings...and now we've been steadily dating for a little while. Her relationship/dating history (or lack-thereof) is very different than what Im used to coming across.

Edited January 2, 2015 by kaylan

[CarrieT]

Which is also why Im kinda confused. She went from a long dry spell...then had a few quick flings...and now we've been steadily dating for a little while. Her relationship/dating history (or lack-thereof) is very different than what Im used to coming across.

I'm not sure why you are confused; seems every person has dry spells for different reasons.

 

Look, I'm one of those women who has gone from having HUNDREDS of partners to nothing during various stretches of life.

 

It is akin to loving Burgers & Milkshakes; you *could* have it every day, but then you grow tired of it for one reason or another and decide to refrain for a while; maybe to lose weight, maybe to taste other things, or maybe because you are traveling a foreign country and there are no burgers and milkshakes to be had = all various and understandable reasons that might be different, depending on the circumstances.

 

Why do think that others' reasons for a dry spell necessarily equate to this woman you are seeing? What are HER reasons, if you have inquired?

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Wow, your idea of what constitutes a "dry spell" is pretty stringent. My longest dry spell (as in without sex of any kind) was something like three years but I still dated very occasionally.

 

Why? My first foray into sexuality was with my first boyfriend with whom I never enjoyed having sex with but continued to do so because he was older and as a teenager I thought that's what I was "supposed" to be doing. When that ended I was relieved though firmly of the opinion that sex just "wasn't for me". I questioned my sexuality, wondered if there was something "wrong" with me to make me so disinterested, etc. Oh yeah, and plus I was extremely overweight so my dating poor was severely limited anyway.

 

TBH figure my input is irrelevant since this is really about you not asking and actually listening to the woman mentioned in your post and then furthermore putting her up on trial as a liar depending on what we say about our own lives. Although I admit I find it strange that you don't believe her, but you would believe me, a total stranger on the internet.

 

I'm sorry but I agree with Danda. How does anything any of us say help you in this particular scenario? Everyone is unique. The problem (dry spell) can be the same but the causes can vary wildly from person to person.

 

If this is the same woman you've been seeing for the past couple months I must say, there seems to be a lot of nitpicking and doubt on your part.

[orangetree]

Not much time to be honest (but then again, I'm only 27, so we'll see what the future brings). I think the longest without sex and dating was in 2011, after moving to another city. Didn't have sex or date anyone for 5 months.

 

I think the reason why I was never in an "abstinence phase" for very long is for two reasons:

 

1. I like dating and having sex. I'm not a one night stand kind of girl, but for me dating is a fun and important part of life.

 

2. I meet men easily. I never had problems to meet men. So that makes it easier of course.

Edited January 2, 2015 by orangetree

[kaylan]

Wow, your idea of what constitutes a "dry spell" is pretty stringent.

Thats not my personal idea of a dry spell. I was just using my OP criteria because its similar to the woman Im seeing. My personal criteria is simply no sexual contact. But for the purposes of this thread, I included dating and romanticism of any kind.

If this is the same woman you've been seeing for the past couple months I must say, there seems to be a lot of nitpicking and doubt on your part.

There is.

 

Like I said, my past has made me very cautious and paranoid with my dating life. She knows this too to some extent. Ive told her I can be rather guarded. Im trying to work on it. Im just not used to a girl as easy going and accepting before. Plus we are a lot like one another personality wise...but are different enough that we complement one another.

 

Im just used to letting my guard down and some bad ish surprising me. I mostly keep all this to myself though. Itll be fine. My vetting process just takes time.

Edited January 2, 2015 by kaylan

[Frank2thepoint]

The purpose of this thread is for me to further understand a particular gal who was out of the game for years at a time. I have a hard time wrapping my mind around it. Especially since she seems pretty normal and isnt at all disinterested in men or sex. Part of me wonders if such a long dry spell is even true in her case.

 

There's nothing wrong or hard to understand about a woman that refrained from relationships and/or sex for years in between. She probably spent some time analyzing the mistakes made and decided to improve. Or she was also hurt, and took time off from the trash she kept encountering. Either way, I find her method a better option rather than many people do by jumping around into new relationships or casual flings because they don't want to be single.

[elaine567]

The purpose of this thread is for me to further understand a particular gal who was out of the game for years at a time. I have a hard time wrapping my mind around it. Especially since she seems pretty normal and isnt at all disinterested in men or sex. Part of me wonders if such a long dry spell is even true in her case.

 

My guess she was most likely hurt very badly by a previous partner and needed time to lick her wounds. She may also have been ill, or had a bereavement or was relocated to a place where she was finding her way and sex was not a priority or she was studying/working hard and didn't need the interference and hassle that relationshops often bring.

Why is it a issue for you?

What perceived red flag do you think is being waved in your direction?

[candie13]

Last year, I spent six months with no sex and three months with no sex and no dates. It did me major good. I do go on dates, but it takes me a long long time to meet a guy I really like.

 

IMO, it doesn't really matter how often a girl goes on dates. I used to do it. Nothing happened: no kissing, no second dates. Just... going out and meeting people. What really matters is whom she is selecting, when she does kiss and make out with people. What sort of relationship she's after. How she wants to be treated. Just dating, just kissing, just having sex... that's in a way, taken out of the context.

 

What's the bigger picture, the "why" behind her behaviour, that's what matters most, IMO. It shows her level of emotional development, her readiness... just a thought.

[Danda]

:yawn:

 

You done?

 

Anyways,

 

 

Mm nerve struck, I see. Although it wasn't my intention to inflict, just to point out that you've got some trust issues that our stories can't smooth over deep down.

[Gloria25]

Lol....

 

I think the OP, like most people here, want to gather other people's experiences - regardless of whether or not he believes the woman he's intrigued about. I mean, it sorta helps to get understanding when you've seen/heard people going through similar things (kinda like a support group for caring for elderly family members...lol).

 

I mean, so far I'm surprised that there's others like me who have had droughts. I thought I was "unique" here.

 

I think it also surprises guys cuz they think that we women can get laid whenever/wherever/etc. Now, while that has some truth - I mean, guys can get erect without much thought, that doesn't mean we women are gonna get naked just to get naked. While we also are horny people, we're more discerning and need more to get wet and all that for a guy. We also seem quick to prioritize other things (i.e. family, work, friends) over sexual satisfaction.

 

So, my story.....

 

I think this is the longest drought I'm having....but, in the past it's been weeks, months even like a year or so. But even though I've had RLs over the years. They mostly were like FWB or casual things so I wasn't getting laid like every day or week. Sometimes I'd "get some" once or maybe twice for that month.

 

Now, it's not cuz I am not horny, but when you are in a FWB type thing - yeah, you're not gonna get any on the regular.

 

Also, I prioritized work, my career, etc. over intimacy. Actually, my fav podcaster had a call yesterday from a guy who didn't wanna cut back from working 7 days a week and she told him he was avoiding intimacy. I see that with one of my siblings too. He likes to work a lot (like me) and I'm afraid that while he has a loving wife and family, he's uncomfortable with being around family.

 

I mean, even with my 6 year guy. Sometimes I'd bring "work" to the bedroom and he'd tap my shoulder to be like "hey, I'm over here".

 

But, I don't neglect the guys I'm seeing. While I may prioritize work and stuff over getting closer to them, they get great sex, I treat them nice, even might cook them something - I guess "quality" over "quantity" here? I make up for the time we have apart - when we do get together.

 

My longest drought as of late is cuz I've really going though some heavy stuff. I never "got it" that stress can kill your sex drive until it happened to me. With my FWB like two years ago, I'd have to really push myself to get into the mood and while we were having sex, I'd be thinking of all my "enemies" But, I pushed through because I wasn't gonna neglect him cuz of my stresses. And, usually after I was glad I "let go" and had the sex. Sex is good to relieve stress.

 

So, that's me. My droughts over the years and minimal sex when I'm actually involved with someone is cuz I am always "busy" and lately just have had a lot of stress and stuff to deal with.

 

I also just get tired of the whole "dating" game. Sometimes you rather just have something good to eat and on the TV then get all dolled up and waste your time trying to deal with guys and the drama. The older I get, the more stuck I'm getting in my ways and being alone.

[lauren13]

The longest without ANYTHING would prob be 4-6 months.

[ASG]

I don't even know... I know the longest I've been without sex was 11 months. But i know I kissed one guy in a club at some point during those 11 months. It was just the once, but I don't remember exactly when it was... only that it was towards the beginning of the dry spell...

 

in 2013 I also went about 6 months without anything at all, apart from flirting via text...

[MissBee]

I have had sexual dry spells for months at a time, mainly because I'm not super into casual sex so if I don't have a boyfriend or a set person I'm sleeping with I don't bother. A connection and emotional intimacy is more important to me than random sex.

 

But the longest was about a year and 4 months.

 

I had gone through a breakup and lots of drama and tried to date and was just fed up. I needed to sit things out, reevaluate myself, what I wanted, what I needed, my own mistakes and just focus on me. I took the time to just focus on me, getting into grad school, traveling abroad, and tried to figure out my future and my life and what I wanted and turned mostly inward. It was awesome! I realized I used men and dating as a distraction from myself and if you're constantly dating, having sex and with someone you never get a break to just figure you out. We all need that.

 

There's more to life than dating. People who live to date are weird to me especially when other aspects of their life are a mess. I think when you have lots of other things going on in your life and things you're trying to accomplish it's easier for you to wait for quality versus just aimlessly dating.

[me85]

This is currently the longest I've gone without dating since I started dating. it's bee since June. No dates; no sex.

[shet]

2 women I tried dating last year (sorry, year before last, 2013), one was only 21 but had been deliberately single and celibate since 17 when she had a romance with her much older guitar teacher go wrong and developed a problem with men. The other was 28 and had been untouched for "years" (I didn't probe further) because she had an issue with physical contact, probably (as she revealed it) from a combination of an abusive childhood and some bad men in her late teens. I didn't touch either of them. Well, not more than once, and rapidly withdrawn.

[GemmaUK]

The longest was just over three and a half years, currently though it's 17 months.

 

 

No one ever believes me either IRL nor online.

I think they think I have some secret life or something.

[littleblackheart]

The longest was just over three and a half years, currently though it's 17 months.

 

 

No one ever believes me either IRL nor online.

I think they think I have some secret life or something.

 

 

 

Finding it a lot easier to answer these questions in IRL than online somehow (and even then it's not information I let go of easily - sorry, not being of great help!) but it can definitely be counted in years; that ^^^ made me chuckle - I have had this reaction a few times