limited Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 For those that divorced and had young kids, how did you let your kids know that mom and dad weren't going to be together anymore? I am planning to move out in a month and take my son with me and then let husband know by email and text. My son is only 5. He adores me more, but I know he will miss his dad too, especially when he moves with me to the new apartment and his dad is not there. Doing all these things secretly makes me feel bad, but I'm also hating to cook and clean for husband as well as him touching me. Right now, I don't want anything to do with him and waiting another month seems like forever. Because waiting for the apartment is taking so long, I almost chickened out again too and felt like I didn't want to go through this thing, but I must not coward in. I feel bad how just a few months ago, we (husband, son and I) were shopping for a new home and dreaming about the new home, and just yesterday, husband and son mentioned how excited they are to get a bigger home too. It was and still my dream too, but not with him. Actually, this is how the divorce thoughts all started again. I was writing a letter to my other son (who passed away prematurely) about buying a new home and how it may be a mistake again if I buy another home with his dad. Then I started recollecting everything again and I realized I had gone back to the "comfort zone" and not remembering all the bad things. Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 Don't you think you should discuss your new living arrangements with your stbxh first? If you're on the same page, it's easier (but still hard enough) to let your 5-yo know what mom and daddy have planned in terms of how and where to live, and how visitation will be handled. Link to post Share on other sites
Author limited Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 Don't you think you should discuss your new living arrangements with your stbxh first? If you're on the same page, it's easier (but still hard enough) to let your 5-yo know what mom and daddy have planned in terms of how and where to live, and how visitation will be handled. No, I'm doing everything secretly because STBXH is very dramatic and can be unpredictable at this time. If I mention anything about divorce to him at this time and still live with him, I'm afraid he might even shoot me dead while I'm in bed. Either that or he'll cry me a river and try to make me feel guilty and I'll stay with him again. I want to avoid both. This thing has been dragging on too long and I can't stand it anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 If the child is 5, they need some advance notice. Unless the circumstances are dangerous, you can't just set everything up and then just leave - without saying anything in advance. Plus, if he's the biological father, he has a right to know where you take his son. As far as explaining it.......use positive statements, such as there will be time with both parents. He'll be able to see dad whenever he wants to. There will be two houses, he will have two rooms, each parent will have more time available to do fun stuff etc. However, this requires both parents to be on the same page and work together. If you just leave without preparing anyone else in the family, your ex will lash out and ruin it for your son. He won't be supportive, and the boy will be traumatized/scared. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 If you are afraid he will shoot you dead, I'm guessing based on that statement, there is a history of physical violence. If that is the case, leaving in that manner may be necessary, but it does little to keep you and your boy safe from harm. You should get your ducks in order just as you are and when you are heading out the door, drive to the police station and get a no contact order/restraining order. If there has been physical abuse, he will need to have supervised visits with your son and all contact between attorneys and social workers. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 I'm sorry about the loss of your son. xo Have you sought out grief counseling to help you deal with the heartache? Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 I find myself very curious about his parental rights as the child's father. Unless he has no rights whatsoever, you're certainly asking for drama by secreting his child off to an undisclosed location. It's certainly not a wise way to begin an amiable coparenting relationship. That said, as others have requested, I think some details on what "very dramatic" means as my advice would vary based on the circumstances. Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 I would certainly advise that both parents sit down with the 5 year old and explain. That way, the child can see that the decision is mutual, love and safety is the first priority. However, if you fear for dramatics or your safety, then this road is not recommended. You sound determined but also open to the possibility that he can convince you to stay, thus all your plans of moving on is done in secret. He is bound to know anyway (unless you plan on eliminating him totally from your life and your son's life), you should work on how to let your H know of your plans and stick to it. No amount of drama or hysterical crying from him will change your mind. Be ready that if the dramatics don't work on you, he will go the other way, and it might not be pretty. You no longer want a life with him, then its only fair to let him know, and not go house shopping/dreaming and put him on that track that he is looking forward to having you in his life. I think you guys need to be on the same page about the separation before telling your child. He needs to be secure in the thought that both parents love him and will co-parent together, whether he is at his dad's house or at mum's. Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 Go to see a lawyer immediately! Do you think you're in a hollywood movie? You can end up being accused for kidnapping your child. A mother has no right to kidnap her child from his father. You say you feel threatened, but you will have to prove it, bringing some evidence to support that claim. Don't do anything stupid. consult with a lawyer. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Aargh Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Limited - hello. The question you asked was how to tell your five year old. I recently had to tell my 9 year old girl and 4 3/4 year old boy. From my experience it is all about being clear, straight forward and dealing with the practicalities without sugar coating any of it. Children want reassuring that their favourite toys will still be available for example and that they will still be able to go to so-and-so club as they always have. Its important to keep to routines as much a possible. My young boy really didn't get it initially. He repeated and mirrored what his older sister was saying but didn't truly understand what was going on. Why would he after all?! The nine year girl absolutely understood all the implications immediately but the 4 3/4 year only now as he approaches 5 has begun to understand what separation means. Having said that he has taken it in his stride surprisingly well. They both have. Perhaps because they have realised that life hasn't changed quite as much as everyone fearsed. they still see both their parents regularly and they are both still loved. they cannot understand why I left but they do understand that I did not leave them and the time i spend with them is so very precious. Not sure if that helps. But please just talk to your 5yr old and be sure that they understand it is something you want to talk about. Communication is important. Maybe you don't want to talk to your STBEx in advance but you could take your 5 year old to the new house before hand perhaps? trust me when you leave you will have a lot in your head and emotions will be all over the place. If your 5 year old is even just slightly more at home in his/her new home and happy to play with toys whilst you struggle with the magnitude of what has just happened then it will make your first evening easier. bon courage x Link to post Share on other sites
LifeNomad Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 its going to take time, even if you tell your kid he wont understand. Just let time take its course. Its been almost 6 months since the mom left and took kids with her, and I see them a few times each week, they spend the night with me, its still not the same. Last week my 4 year old asked me if I was still fighting with mom, I replied "no, why do you ask", and he says because he wants to come back home, then went about as nothing back to eating little innocent words break me down so easy sometimes. My 10 year old too about a month or so before asked me how come I didn't want to sell the house I was in, she was under the impression until I sold the house me and the mom would get back together and we would be family again. It hurts. If your ex is unpredictable tho you really do need to start bringing it up I think unless you fear for your safety, I mean you both have to be on the same page for the sake of your kids. Link to post Share on other sites
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