Women love romantic men and their talents? Mine doesn't.

[Tameson]

I must appologize for not elaborating on our description of the relationship.

 

She calls me perfect. As in, she wants nothing ever ever changed about me. I ask her occasionally if I ever do anything to piss her off, sadden her, or make her feel chessy or anything like that; and she always tells me that I know how to treat her right; that she would never let me go (ie. break up). She calls me perfect and her soulmate.

 

I spent much time with her, taking her to her famour places (even If I don't have the love for it), always lending her things and so on.

 

The great thing for her is that she never once, ever, was mad at me. Well there was this one time, which only lasted about 10 minutes. The main point is that she seems to be very happy with me. We always talk about issues, and I don't always let her have her way, however whenever I say something she will say "You're right, I'll work on it. or Ok". Like a kid saying anything to his/her parents to avoid punishment. For example "Son, I want you to clean up your room every week." "Ok Dad." But then, the kid never does it...that kind of thing.

 

The turn around is me. The way she treats me has made me want to break up with her at least four times; however I am always unsuccesful since she won't let me let her go. Although, each time I try breaking up with her, our relationship goes one small step backwards (not a huge step, but a little tiny bit).

 

Therefore, she calls me perfect and says I'm the guy of her dreams. I told her the same thing a few months into the relationship but have ceased saying that to her again since slowly I'm beginning to feel resentment for her. First it was not getting any gifts or any acknowledgement of holidays (such as Christmas, Valentines Day, MY BIRTHDAY!), and now she blows me away when I try to be romantic and play her some music, and also teach her.

 

Now she doesn't hate classical music, as she has told me she likes it. However, she doesn't walk her talk, which would indicate to me she is lying. What do you folks thing? I truely appreciate all your comments; I like the positive ones just as much as the negative comments since it helps me figure out both sides of what is going on with us.

[tokyo]

First explain me why she never gives you any presents. And why do you bear this for two years without ever talking with her about this?

[Mr Spock]

RE gifts-is it just you that doesn't get any, or is she not a big gift giver in general?

 

 

Do you always try to teach her about music whenever you try and share music with her?

[Tameson]

I bear the fact of not getting any presents since when I confronted her she told me that Love shouldn't be shown materialisticly.

 

Now I'm not saying that she should buy me powertools or the latest dvd player, but what I'm saying is that it's nice to get some appreciatiation of special events. Such as going out, or being written "You're a good friend.." What is Hallmark and Carleton Card's for? Are they aimed only at Male customers wanting to buy their Lady a card? You know what I mean?

 

I would say I was able to go along for her for two years since everytime she 'ignored my feelings' I just went to my profession or playing the piano. But now I'm beginning to feel that its wrong if I keep sucking all this in.

 

 

-About the music teaching; no I don't do it all the time. I don't play for her everyday or even everyweek. In fact, I told her I will NOT play for her but on special occasions (since I though if I overdo it then i'll really overdo it). She seems excited when I play for her, that is exclusively for her. She is fine, however when somethikng else pops up (such as a friend of her shows up), then she quickly gets out of the room and talks to whoever else it is. Then when I stop playing, she (not right away, most the time the next day), she will ask me why I stopped playing? I look at her in amazement and think to myself "Is she just clueless, is she doing it on purpose or does she just not have a heart?"

[CurlyIam]

It's not a sane relationship. She's keeping you at a distance. I dare say you don't know her at all. I've never in my life heard about a relationship where the 2 never had at least one big fight.

 

The thing about fights is that both people say what bothers them, but wouldn't talk bout unless provoked.

 

I'm sorry but this post is, again, about YOU. About what you did. What about her? what about what she wants/likes? I get the feeling she's like a doll, the mere object of your attention. She doesn't share almost anythig with you.

 

 

I'm not saying it's your fault. But you should be aware of this. Am I right? When was the last time she took the initiative to do anything? That's the thing. She's closed towards you. Not giving gifts is but a part of this behaviour. There are 2 people in a relationship. 2 personalities. What makes her stay with you besides your being perfect and helpful?

[tokyo]

Your girlfriend doesn't seem the kind of person who understands your emotional needs and if I may say it's really weird how clueless she is, but I only see two possibilities: you either decide to have the patience and explain her the things. Sitting there and suffer silently and playing the piano to get it off your chest is not helpin you or her. You are building up resentments. Or you decide she's not worth the effort and dump her. There are two ways, but you should decide what you want. It will be tough to stay and explain her things that seem to be obvious. If you care enough and think she's worth the effort, then stay, if not, better leave.

[Tameson]

Thats one of the problems actually. She is not nearly as open with me as she should be in a relationship. To an extend I can understand that she won't want to share everything with me all at once. The problem is that, if she is not open with me, why would she want to call me perfect and her soulmate?

 

I dont know if I mentioned this before, but I always keep in close touch with what she wants out of the relationship and I always feed it. She on the other hand, doesnt' seem to care about my likes/dislikes.

[Mr Spock]

I think you need to evaluate what you love and don't love about your GF. And then see what you can live with and what you can't, and how important it is to you. I think that you need to sit her down without pressuring her and tell her that it's OK (if it is) with you if she doesn't like your piano playing, or have the same tastes in music. But that you need her to be honest with you because pretending is worse than just admitting it. And that when she doesn't make a fuss over your birthday and Christmas it hurts your feelings because it doesn't seem like she cares. And if it's that important to you, it's time to move on to someone who identifies with you more.

[Tameson]

Just a little bit out of topic here: Do you think that two people can tell each other just after a few years down the road together?

 

The reason I'm staying with her is because she has some qualities that I don't see in other girls. At the same time, she has some qualities which really makes her clueless and insensitive. What I'm thinking is that, perhaps 5 years more down the road she will change, and when she does she'll become the perfect person. The hard reality though is what if she doesn't? Would I just be a fool for waiting so long?

[CurlyIam]

It's very easy to call someone "perfect" and "soul mate". It spares you the trouble of explaining what you like - if indeed you like anything in that person.

 

I fear general words like "perfect". It says nothing. I like "I like your being cranky when you get up in the morning". or "I like how you get upset when someone speaks down on... Tchaikovscki". Because that's you. I could be wrong, but you don't love a person because of their attributes, but in spite of their flaws.

 

See what I mean? And her being that unspecific about her feelings is in perfect accordance to her not being interested in your likes or dislikes. IT could be the fact that she's in a relationship that does the trick for her. I think that you are a stranger to her and she is a stranger to you.

 

 

 

IT's dangerous to open up to someone. To show yourself as vulnerable, exposed, less "perfect". But that's love.

 

 

That's how I see it.

[CurlyIam]

I don't mean to be cruel to you. I think you're trying to break the pattern. In order to succeed you must first see that you're trapped into one.

 

I hope you'll do fine. It's okey to ask the other person to be interested in you. You must do it. You also must listen to her. To what interests her. To filling her needs.

 

Good luck,

 

Curly

[Israfil]

She calls me perfect and her soulmate…. Thats one of the problems actually. She is not nearly as open with me as she should be in a relationship. To an extend I can understand that she won't want to share everything with me all at once. The problem is that, if she is not open with me, why would she want to call me perfect and her soulmate?

 

It is not what she says, but how she acts. Deep down, do you feel as if you are her soulmate and she yours? Truly?

 

The great thing for her is that she never once, ever, was mad at me.

 

Why is this a good thing? To me it indicates a lack of spine, not to mention passion. It’s almost as though she isn’t willing to make an emotional investment in you or the relationship.

 

The way she treats me has made me want to break up with her at least four times

 

Read this over to yourself again and again.

 

however I am always unsuccessful since she won't let me let her go.

Sounds like you lack a spine also. Perhaps it is you who cannot let her go?

 

 

What do you folks think?

You are perfect for her – on paper. But in reality there is a spark missing – the passion, the pain, the ecstasy, and most especially the emotional investment.

 

What I'm thinking is that, perhaps 5 years more down the road she will change, and when she does she'll become the perfect person. The hard reality though is what if she doesn't? Would I just be a fool for waiting so long?

Likely, she will not change, and she will never be the perfect person, especially as that is a false concept. There is no perfect person. And yes, you are a fool for waiting.

 

 

 

I understand the need for your passions to be recognized by your partner. But I don’t think that it is so much that you need them to be recognized, as deeply understood. Let me explain the difference. Being a musician is not just a vocation, or even as Moi astutely pointed out, an avocation.

 

Music IS you.

 

It influences how you feel, how you interpret, how you view the world. Unless someone shares this kinship, they will never understand the world the way you do, or even a close approximation of this lens on life. This is not to say that they have to be a professional musician also, but just have a great love and understanding of the art.

 

Here is my story. I am a professional musician by training also. Over the course of my relationship, my ex never came to any of my recitals or concerts. In fact, he never heard me play at all. The fact that he did not hear me play was bothersome, but what was worse was that I knew he could never understand me, and the way that music consumed me and was part of me. As such, at that point I knew that I had to find something that he would show an interest in, so that he could know me better – that we could have a shared understanding. I was so desperate for this that I almost pursued his line of work, but ultimately pursued a career that was of somewhat middle ground.

 

After many years of trying desperately to make it work, and like you, wanting to seriously break it off many times but never having the courage to do it, my unhappiness finally overtook me and I ended it. Ultimately we just did not share the same conceptions of the world, and I think that his disinterest in the beginning was a flaming red flag that was pointing me to this truth all along.

 

He was the perfect man on paper, and we were the perfect couple to all our friends and associates. But we were far from perfect in reality.

 

Don’t sacrifice your passions like I did. Don’t ever compromise yourself for someone else.

 

Find someone you love for who they are right now, not who you want them to be be in five years. And find someone who is passionate about you. You will ultimately find a much more fulfilling relationship – much, much closer to that twin flame condition that you seek.

[moimeme]

Personally I'm on his case for being such a selfish man and making his gf do things she obviously isn't interested in, like listening to him play piano, no matter how gifted he is or what he plays

 

How is she not selfish here???? Where does it say the men must make all the sacrifices???? If it was a football game, you'd be telling him that she's selfish for not going to his games. It's just because it's piano that you're all down on him.

 

Music IS you.

 

It influences how you feel, how you interpret, how you view the world. Unless someone shares this kinship, they will never understand the world the way you do, or even a close approximation of this lens on life. This is not to say that they have to be a professional musician also, but just have a great love and understanding of the art.

 

THANK YOU, Israfil. That's what I've been trying to say but it's better coming from a genuine musician. I don't care how many employees a plumber has, he is *NOT* going to feel the same way about plumbing that a musician feels about music.

 

What I'm thinking is that, perhaps 5 years more down the road she will change, and when she does she'll become the perfect person. The hard reality though is what if she doesn't? Would I just be a fool for waiting so long?

 

Never, EVER, stick with someone because of the potential you think you see. Chances are they'll never make the changes you expect. Besides, as others have said, she may say you're her dream, but her actions to you are not loving. You deserve better. Really, your relationship will only be more of the same if you continue with her. I agree that she may think you're a good money prospect for her - she doesn't seem to have much interest in you otherwise.

[CurlyIam]

Originally posted by moimeme

How is she not selfish here???? Where does it say the men must make all the sacrifices???? If it was a football game, you'd be telling him that she's selfish for not going to his games. It's just because it's piano that you're all down on him.

 

If he has a match every week end, maybe it's a bit much to ask her to go to EVERY game? Music is important to some people to different extents. That's what I am trying to suggest here. HE's free to do everything he wants in his free time. Just not MAKE her assist at something she's not particularily interested in. Put her in the situation where she cannot chose.

 

To follow your comparison, it's like he'd invite to his house but he'd have a stadium at the back of his house !

 

 

I wouldn't speculate on her ulterior reasons. I think if she were a gold digger, she'd fake her interest for his music. I think she's genuine. She's genuinly not interested in his music, his likes or dislikes. And I also think she's genuine when she thinks he's perfect, because perfection is cold and abstract, like some music you cannot comprehend... but appreciate it on an intellectual level.

[d'Arthez]

Originally posted by CurlyIam

And I also think she's genuine when she thinks he's perfect, because perfection is cold and abstract, like some music you cannot comprehend... but appreciate it on an intellectual level.

 

But now it seems you are confusing a professional career in football with an artistic "past-time" (I know this is the wrong word, as it does not do justice to the art), i.e. playing the piano. Writing is mostly a solo past-time, playing the piano can be both a solo and public past-time.

 

If he were an amateur football player a lot of people would think it absurd that she would have to be present at every game, and even during practice. No one will expect her to be present, when he performs surgery.

 

A potential is just that. If someone does not actualize it, it is as if it does not exist. The two of you might be great on paper, but paper is not real life.

It clearly seems that she is not appreciative of him, and his passion for music. She won't magically change after 5 years, and it seems it is better for the original poster to break up with her, and find a woman who shares this passion.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by bdarlin

The rest of the conversations aside, it may just be as simple as it makes her uncomfortable. I dated a musician in the past and my cousin is a musician and in both cases whenever they sing to me either romantically (ex-boyfriend) or to ask my opinion (cousin), it makes me very uncomfortable. I don't know why. I respect my cousin very much and I think he is a very talented musician and I am very interested in his passion for music...but I hate when he sings/plays for me. All I want to do is get out of the room as quickly as possible.

 

I don't know,.... if it's mostly this one thing that bugs you, maybe you should poll some other women and see what their opinion is on being serenaded.

 

Personally, I absolutely abhor it. I can't count how many times I was the recipient of this "romantic" gesture....back in the day.

 

And it never mattered how good they were, or how bad they were, my reaction was always pretty much the same. Something along the lines of, "that's real nice, honey", followed by a quick getaway.

 

Overall, I turned out to be a pretty good wife and partner, but I still react pretty much the same way to "the serenade".

 

The way she treats me has made me want to break up with her at least four times; however I am always unsuccesful since she won't let me let her go.

 

Unless she has you leg-shackled and kidnapped in her basement, you're pretty much free to break up with her if you don't like her.

 

I doubt her reaction to your music will ever change, so if you can't live with it...then dump her. On the plus side for her, she might find someone else who is more taylored to her personality....while she's still young and hasn't invested YEARS of her life.

[Tameeson]

Is there anyone out there with a similar problem whereby their gf/bf wife/husband doesn't pay much attention to their talents?

[Tameson]

What if I just break it off but leave it as friends only?

 

If I do that, what helpful advice can I get to refrain myself from going back to her? (We all have our weaknesses)

[clynn]

Ummm, you can't really be just friends.

 

You can for a while I suppose, but it isn't really a friendship it is more of a "weaning off" of each other as it is difficult for some people to go cold turkey when you've been in a long term relationship with someone, so they like to taper it down. You soon realize that being 'friends only' is very difficult. Not impossible, some people do it.

 

But while you're both healing it can be difficult.

 

 

Good Luck!

[Tameson]

What do you suggest is the best solution to this matter?

[Moose]

Never, EVER, stick with someone because of the potential you think you see. Chances are they'll never make the changes you expect.

I'm glad Mrs. Moose never came on here and took your advice Moi.

 

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, in Dr. Phil's voice even, "It's not about you!".

 

I don't know what happened to the other thread that went along these lines, but I'm assuming people got pissed at me. The truth hurts, I know. Seriously, if you want a woman to fall head over heels with your talents, go find her and let this poor woman go.

[Moose]

Ok, this is the same thread........weird, one day it's here, the next it's gone.

[Debster]

Firstoff, I think there is a big flag that she doesn't give you presents/gifts/tokens of affection. Not that I'm saying it needs to be expensive or materialistic - but just something to show she is thinking about you, appreciates you and wants to make you happy.

 

My husband and I constantly give each other things. It might be as simple as me putting a love note in his lunch or him picking me up a treat when I'm not feeling well. Sometimes, I'll go on Ebay and look for Cds or DVDs I know he wants and they'll show up at our house as a surprise. We also celebrate big days with presents and it is not just gifts for me - it is also gifts for him.

 

For example, If your partner doesn't get you something or do something special for you on Valentine's Day - but expects you to do something or get something for them - than the relationship is one-sided. BOTH need to be keeping the love alive.

 

THe fact that your girl doesn't do this, speaks volumes to me.

[Owl]

Tameson-

 

It sounds to me like there is a LOT going on here...

 

 

1. Why did you post this on the Infidelity Forum? Are you concerned that she may be cheating on you with the harmonica player?

 

2. I agree with L J and Spock...the baseline issue here is that neither of you are communicating your love in a way that the other accepts as love. Go read the book that L J suggested..."The Five Languages of Love". The bottom line is that all your romantic gestures, your playing songs "for her" (are you playing for her, or for yourself?), etc...are not things that truly make her feel loved. The playing doesn't show her that you love her, no matter how you mean it. And it's working both ways...she's not demonstrating the appreciation for your music that would make you feel loved, nor is she making a fuss over the holidays and events that would show you that she loves you. Trust me...go read this book. It's the basis of your relationship problems here bro.

 

3. What's with all the cross talk about artists and music and such??? Really, that has nothing to do with the problem at hand. But it does bring up something else you do need to consider, Tame. When/if you do decide to marry her (or anyone else), are you going to be willing to make THEM the priority in your life? Or will they always be second place to the music? Trust me, NO ONE truly goes into a relationship expecting to be second place, regardless of what they say. If you can't make her the priority in your life, then maybe you SHOULD walk away now.

 

4. Why does anyone bother to acknowledge Rick's posts?!?! You don't laugh at the class clown's jokes because you don't want to encourage him. Rick comes here to belittle women and make contentious posts because he craves the attention. He likes the fights it causes, because then he feels like he's done something to get people to notice him. Ignore his posts, and he'll wander away to annoy some other forum...maybe if he's lucky, they'll like him there!

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Tameson

What if I just break it off but leave it as friends only?

 

If I do that, what helpful advice can I get to refrain myself from going back to her? (We all have our weaknesses)

 

Probably the kindest way would be to tell her that after alot of refection, you've decided that the two of you would be incompatible in the long run.

 

If you go into alot of detail, she'll be making promises to "fix" things....and you don't want that. So, reserve the details and just reassure her that she's a fantastic person. You're just not THE ONE for her.

 

Then, even though it's difficult...try NO CONTACT for awhile. It's kind of like ripping off a Band-Aid quickly as opposed to drawing the process out.

 

I'm sorry that it's not working out for you two. But I have to tell you, making a decision like this in the dating phase, is so much easier than investing decades of your life with the wrong person.