Women love romantic men and their talents? Mine doesn't.

[jmargel]

Tame.. Instead of writing her off so quick it sounds like you two have communication issues which can be resolved. If you two love each other & want this to work, I would suggest seeing a marriage counselor. She may not like the music you like, or maybe she's heard it many times before. When you continue to just play music for her, it may have lost it's romanticiness.

 

My wife is not the romantic type but I am. We are opposites in this and at times it is very hard. We both through counseling learned that her not being as romantic is not something against me. It was the way she was brought up, where she did not have much of a family to rely on. She learned to keep her independence. I was brought up with a great family and by nature a family person. I realize it's something that could take years to get on common ground.

 

Most people who are talent with music (I play as well) we in nature seem to be pretty sensitive. So by her walking off when you are playing you are associating that she doesn't care about you. I believe you probably want to have a heart to heart talk with her about what she wants out of this relationship and is it everything she is wishing for. But also in a non-defensive way talk about what you need then suggest the counseling. Counseling is not because either of you are doing something wrong, it's about finding new ways to explore each other.

 

My wife like others men here can probably attest to that their wives/gfs can be pretty selfish and ignorant at times. I attribute that to immaturity. Everyone grows at different paces and they will eventually get to that stage. Let me ask you this. Are you the one that says 'I love you' first? When in an agrument or disagreement, who usually wins? Have you noticed signs of depression?

 

Along with the counseling try letting her come to you. Don't say I love you first, don't be so affectionate. The problem I found with my wife was that I was coming onto her way too much, which would just push her away. She wanted to opportunity to be able to come to me, so by backing off some it made a difference. I believe also that you two are 'comfortable' with each other, to the point that you maybe feel like you are being taken for granted. This as well is a communication issue.

 

Anyway, this isn't a situation where it's about incompatibility. It's about communication and finding out the best way to reach each other. Hope this helps.

[Tameson]

Jmargel: GOod advice. I'm not married, im just dating her for now. We did talk about marriage, and she is more than 100% she wants me as her husband. But I'm not even 1% sure I want her to be my wife.

 

I know communication is a source of problem here, but I don't think it is the only thing.

 

Just like you, I was raised in a loving famly where love and affection was shown dearly. She also had a fun loving family.

 

I know for a fact that we can talk and figure out a solution; (ie. she will enjoy it...i will enjoy her stuff), but deep down I won't ever be happy like that since I know her emotions/gestures are not genuine.

 

I honestly want to leave her, but at the same time I dont want to hurt her feelings. In other words, I know that when I tell her that its not working between us, she will pour her heart out trying to convince me that we will work it out. I am a man who works things out most of the time, but its not always happyness that I end up with.

 

She says I'm the best friend she ever had, and not to be egocentric here, but I do give her so much attention and love; expect that its unrequitted love, hence meaning she does not show her love for me.

 

How can I marry this girl if I don't feel genuine happyness inside me? Is couselling really a solution or is it just finding the right person? (let me remind you, to her I am the right person since she tells me almost everyday)

[jmargel]

Tame.. You will "never" find the perfect woman. Each woman has her uniquenesses in which we will either like or dislike. Be very certain you don't want/love her anymore before letting her go. Going back to her after you ditch her will always leave insecurity and resentment within' the relationship.

 

Counseling *will* help immensily. I never thought it would myself until I went. Find a reputable one who is licensed. Checking with local hospitals will help along with just calling & asking them some inital questions. More than likely the counselor will take you in individually and then as a couple. What they won't do is to tell you to stay together or breakup. But what they will do is extract the information/communication you want from her so you can make that choice more wisely.

 

There are alot of things you will learn about life & each other. I am going through that myself. It's frustrating and disheartening at times however you must keep in mind that she sounds like she guinely loves you and by her accepting to goto counseling is one of the biggest signs of love.

 

As for the unhappiness inside you, never ever expect your mate to make you happy. You need to be happy within' yourself in order to have a truly successful relationship. That doesn't mean ditch the one you are in but going to counseling will also help this quite a bit.

[moimeme]

But I'm not even 1% sure I want her to be my wife.

 

Well then there is no reason to consider her for wife material.

 

but deep down I won't ever be happy like that since I know her emotions/gestures are not genuine.

 

If she loved you, she'd behave as though she loved you.

 

I honestly want to leave her, but at the same time I dont want to hurt her feelings.

 

Her feelings are her problem. You can't sacrifice your whole life in case you hurt someone's feelings.

 

she does not show her love for me.

 

This is KEY. Pay attention, here. She *says* she loves you but talk is cheap.

 

How can I marry this girl if I don't feel genuine happyness inside me? Is couselling really a solution or is it just finding the right person? (let me remind you, to her I am the right person since she tells me almost everyday)

 

 

Forget what she tells you. Too bad. This board is awash in people who thought they should be with people who didn't share that feeling. It will be total, utter disaster if you continue this relationship.

 

Apparently, JM and some others think that you need to go to counselling to be talked into marrying someone you aren't happy with. This is insanity. She doesn't treat you well. It is time to move on and find someone whom you feel to be a true companion and lover. You do not marry people just because they say they love you and want you. You BOTH need to WANT to be married MORE THAN ANYTHING. You don't need to be talked into it by a counsellor!!!!!

 

she sounds like she guinely loves you

 

What are you basing your conclusion on? She *says* she loves him but she doesn't behave in loving ways. It's actions, not words, that count, JM.

[clynn]

moimeme, Have you been married? Are you married?

 

 

......I think JM is giving some good advice certainly. Relationships that are heading towards marriage naturally are going to fall into more difficult patterns than those that are not. Simply because marriage isn't easy and neither is commitment.

 

Doesn't mean he should do this (counseling), but considering it may be worthwhile at least.

[Owl]

I don't think that JM meant for them to go to MC so that the counselor will talk them into getting married.

 

What counseling SHOULD do would be to help them work out how to relate to each other better, how to handle issues together, how to deal with their problems. That is the reason they should go...and if AFTER they go to counseling they feel like marrying, fine. But it's not to convince them TO get married, it's more along the lines of fixing the relationship so that IF/WHEN they DO decide to get married, they're ready and stand a chance of making it.

[d'Arthez]

Absurd.

You can't counsel for a spiritual attraction to magically appear.

You can't counsel for musical taste to magically appear.

You can't counsel to change a personality completely.

 

And there exist the communication issues, for which counselling might help, but as there exist incompatibilities on so many levels, both OP and his gf are wasting their time, if they expect this to turn into a happy marriage.

[moimeme]

moimeme, Have you been married?

 

Yes, clynn, and nobody had to talk me into feeling loved or being happy. We went to marriage prep class. I never had a single doubt. I told him that if he had a scintilla of doubt to not marry me and he knew I would do the same. What we felt was a ***FAR*** cry from what this guy feels for this person.

 

......I think JM is giving some good advice certainly. Relationships that are heading towards marriage naturally are going to fall into more difficult patterns than those that are not.

 

I disagree. If you're fighting and kicking all the way to the altar, then the marriage is not for you. It should be a joyful continuance of a great relationship, not something you dread.

[Owl]

OK...so I'm a little confused here. This started with you not feeling appreciated for your music and your romantic gestures...now you're saying that there's no reason to remain together. (The whole 1% comment, the "her gestures are meaningless" comment, etc, etc...).

 

Then why are did you come here asking for advice? Again, I'm not sure I understand why you posted this on the infidelity board as opposed to any of the other boards...not a good fit. And you sound more and more as though you've already made up your own mind. You've received some decent advice from a number of people, who have had to learn through bitter experience, a LOT about relationships, how they work, and how to recover them from some of the most horrific problems imaginable.

 

Let's get down to the very, very basic questions. Do you LOVE her? Do you feel that you two CAN learn to live together in love as a couple? Do you truly think that she loves you, or do you think she's faking it?

 

If you want to work on your relationship with her, then the advice you received should serve you in good stead. If you're not, then let her know why you feel your relationship should not continue, and be honest, open, and as gentle and caring as you can. And walk away. Don't do the 'let's be friends' line with her...NOTHING hurts more than trying to maintain contact with someone that has 'dumped' you, regardless of the reason.

 

Good luck.

[clynn]

Originally posted by moimeme

Yes, clynn, and nobody had to talk me into feeling loved or being happy. We went to marriage prep class. I never had a single doubt. I told him that if he had a scintilla of doubt to not marry me and he knew I would do the same. What we felt was a ***FAR*** cry from what this guy feels for this person.

I disagree. If you're fighting and kicking all the way to the altar, then the marriage is not for you. It should be a joyful continuance of a great relationship, not something you dread.

 

 

Touche.

 

I've not been married so it is only useful comments from those that have that are really meaningful I think (in regards to marriage anyhow).

[moimeme]

Keep it in mind for your own life, clynn. Nobody I know that went into marriage with doubts lasted. I've heard a lot of tales from folks who *knew* marrying was a mistake but went ahead anyway - for reasons like OP's 'I don't want to hurt her feelings'. You can't force a relationship. If it's not comfortable and easy, it's probably not a good fit.

 

Doesn't mean there won't be problems and hassles, but they should be the exception rather than the rule. You should feel more often happy than unhappy.

[Mr Spock]

oh, I don't think they should stick it out. I just think he's never going to find a woman that's entirely comfortable being serenaded with the lion king theme song.

 

 

Next time you're wooing a woman romantically, try Gershwin. And flowers. Stay away from home made crafts until you're certain they'd be appreciated.

[johan]

I think you're too wound up on your talents, to be honest. Not as in self-centered, although you probably are that. But I'm thinking if she DID make a big deal out of your wonderful gift, you wouldn't be posting here. And it isn't clear to me you think a relationship should be based on much else, at least not according to anything you've said here. If all you want is a muse, and she isn't doing it for you, then what are you going to do? She probably appreciates other things about you but is getting sick of all the tunes.

 

I recommend you play the piano for yourself. Let her tune in when she wants. Figure out if there is anything else about her worth having. Do a quick cost/benefit analysis and make a decision. You aren't going to hear the magic words here, because everyone has said everything there is to say, and I don't see you feeling any better about it.

 

You're a peacock. She's a chicken. Put your feathers away.

[tokyo]

Tameson, does she not appreciate your music at all or just not when you get in a romantic mood and want to play something for her? If she likes going to your concert, but doesn't like you playing at home, then I suggest that you re-consider what others say about you and your ego.

[jmargel]

Apparently, JM and some others think that you need to go to counselling to be talked into marrying someone you aren't happy with. This is insanity

 

I never said for him to goto counseling to be talked into it. If he loves her he still may not be ready for marriage, which is fine. A counselor will allow them to be able to communicate better and allow each person the opportunity to truly see what the other is thinking/feeling. Then they can make a choice based on this.

 

She may very well love him in the most extreme depths of her heart. However she may not know how to show her love in the way he wishes. Tame, has she always been like this? If so it could very well be the way she was brought up and to her this is normal. That doesn't mean she is a bad person or someone not worth being. It means that you two are on different grounds on this issue, in which can be altered over time so that you both can be on the same level ground. However this will take time & patience. It's upto you if you love her enough to go through this with her. This might be only one of many things that you & her encounter over your live together. However every couple goes through quite a few problems/situations together. It's love that keeps couples bound together even in the worst of times.

 

If we each found the "perfect" mate, then life would be boring. Part of love is allowing differences between each other and trying to improve yourself not only for your mate but also yourself. It's all about how you go about doing this. If you complain to her constantly about it she will "hear" you but not truly "understand" you. A counselor is trained to allow her to understand you better and vice-versa. You will be surprised what you find out about your mate when you goto a MC.

 

Moimeme, I believe you were a little harsh on me with your judgements. Next time try to phrase any comments like that in a form of a question so that you don't look like you have put your foot in your mouth.

[moimeme]

I never got the impression that he's in love with her. Or even loves her. I see you did. If he were saying 'I love her so much but will she ever love me' - well, maybe but I'm not hearing that. I'm hearing a lot of 'she doesn't treat me well' and that's about it.

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by Tameson

Brother, its not wanting her to drool over my talents. I see you are a Mechanical Engineer. How would you like it if your wife, after you come home from a hard days work, tells you to get up your ass and do something.

 

Perhaps this example is better. Let's say you cook a great meal which took hours to prepare. And your spouse comes in and just starts eating, doesn't even say "Tastes great". Makes no reactions, just as if it was McDonalds.

 

 

Answering your question about love, I wouldn't say she shows her love for me. Sheis more available when she needs someone to hold.

 

Buddy, I know that woman. She's my ex-wife. Her attitude is all f***ked up. If she's not SHOWING you she loves you, She isn't loving you. I agree with moi.

 

Dump her "not that into you" ass.

 

Now.

 

BTW - I'm a pianist too.

 

123123412312345!

[Israfil]

Originally posted by MassiveAtom

123123412312345!

 

[Tameson]

Do good hearted girls who don't care about stupid things such as money, muscles exist out there?

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by MassiveAtom

BTW - I'm a pianist too. 123123412312345!

 

Surely at least 1231234123123412312345?

 

 

 

Originally posted by Tameson

Do good hearted girls who don't care about stupid things such as money, muscles exist out there?

 

Yes. Be honest now though, if you met such a goodhearted girl, would she be able to count on you not to worry about stupid things such as looks, weight or style of clothes?

[tokyo]

Originally posted by Tameson

Do good hearted girls who don't care about stupid things such as money, muscles exist out there?

Now you have turned your girlfriend into a greedy stupid woman? After a couple of posts? And you spend two years with her? Obviously good-heartedness only exists according to your definition. I'm starting to doubt that you are a very objective person and if we started to dig a little bit deeper, we might find out all the things she did for you and that you have simply forgotten.

[moimeme]

Kooky, have you considered the possibility that he thinks this gf he has is one of the few women who don't look for money and muscles (though we've cast doubt on the 'not wanting money aspect') and that's why he's clinging to her and that's why he's wondering if it's safe to let her go?

 

It really mystifies me how many people are hostile to this poster. I suspect it's because he dares to like and play classical music because that makes someone a 'snob' in a lot of fools' eyes.

[Moose]

It really mystifies me how many people are hostile to this poster. I suspect it's because he dares to like and play classical music because that makes someone a 'snob' in a lot of fools' eyes.

No, expecting everyone to bow down to his talents and put him up on a pedestal to be worshipped is why I'm not so fond of the OP. I think he's full of himself.

[tokyo]

Originally posted by moimeme

Kooky, have you considered the possibility that he thinks this gf he has is one of the few women who don't look for money and muscles (though we've cast doubt on the 'not wanting money aspect') and that's why he's clinging to her and that's why he's wondering if it's safe to let her go?

 

It really mystifies me how many people are hostile to this poster. I suspect it's because he dares to like and play classical music because that makes someone a 'snob' in a lot of fools' eyes.

Oh please, do not make this a class struggle à la Marx with us, the proles, against him the sensitive and refined piano player. I've learned to play the piano for 8 years, I started to learn playing viola (had to give it up though) and I do like classical music, but that does not make me believe that this guy knows what he wants or that he's right. On one hand he says his girlfriends loves him very much and she really seems to want to be with him, on the other hand he thinks she's after money and muscles. I honestly think he lets himself get too easily influenced by other people's opinion and he's way too sensitive. He simply should look for someone else and stop giving her a bad reputation.

[moimeme]

and put him up on a pedestal to be worshipped is why I'm not so fond of the OP. I think he's full of himself.

 

He just wants to be appreciated. All humans do. It's just that guys are supposed to pretend they don't. At least in some peoples' minds.

 

On one hand he says his girlfriends loves him very much and she really seems to want to be with him

 

He says his girlfriend *says* she loves him very much but she isn't very nice to him and doesn't even give him presents on special occasions. Saying you love somebody and loving somebody are two different things.

 

on the other hand he thinks she's after money and muscles

 

Again, he didn't say that. Did you read my post at all? I think you're making assumptions. WE told him she was after money because he's going to be a doctor. It wasn't his idea.

 

I promise you that if he was a female complainig about a male, every single poster would encourage him to leave the jerk. The salient point in his posts, if you reread them, is that she isn't very nice to him at all. She's all words and no action.