My boyfriend says that he's scared of me?

[Kat_125]

So basically, I've been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half. In the beginning of the relationship I was very understanding etc etc. But then a lot of stupid misunderstandings came about and ever since then my behavior has really changed.

 

 

My boyfriend claims to being 'afraid' of me, and is scared to tell me things because he's intimidated by my anger, and moodiness. I don't do anything violent or anything of that sort when I'm angry, but I do often threaten to break up with him which obviously scares him.

 

 

He lied about a few things and came clean about them recently, claiming he was too scared of how I would react if he had told me the truth at the time. So he waited until I was a little less calm. Do you think lies like that are justified? I mean, I know I do threaten him, and make him feel really bad, and make it seem like he's always the one at fault - but his behavior caused me to become this way. I feel like he neglected me in the start of the relationship, and now I feel the need to seek vengeance by keeping the ball in my court. He does love me unconditionally, and I do take advantage of that. But I feel entitled to.

 

 

Do you think a partner's behavior can cause the other partner to start hiding/lying things and is it ever justified?

[Diezel]

What you are doing is emotional manipulation and is NOT healthy.

 

You don't want a boyfriend, you want a pet you can control. Don't justify your actions by saying it's his fault. Own up to the responsibility you have in this "relationship". And yes, I use quotes because this is not a relationship at all. It's a master-slave dynamic.

 

The best thing you two could do is break up, to be honest. For both your sakes. And I wouldn't be scared of you, I'd just dump you. In a heartbeat.

[Priv]

Yes, totally justified. If I can be perfectly blunt, your rather candid description of yourself scares the crap out of me too.

 

 

Maybe you should work on that first, and perhaps than your BF will feel more at ease to tell you the truth about my guess trivial things.

[Omei]

Yes people can start not being open with you anymore because they have experienced your bad reaction times before so they no longer wish to be open with you in fear of how you may act that is very possible.

[acrosstheuniverse]

His behaviour can't 'make' you respond abusively. And threatening to leave someone whenever there's an argument is abusive. You're using the threat of leaving him to effectively control his actions and behaviours.

 

He has given you a very, very rare gift in telling you how he really feels, and how much you are pushing him away, please heed this as a warning. You are going to lose him. Nobody can put up with this kind of behaviour indefinitely, and if he truly is scared of you he's obviously been brave in opening up to admitting how you're causing him to doubt your relationship. Do you really think that someone can truly love a person they are also scared of? You don't have to by physically abusive for him to be afraid, if you frequently fly off the handle, get nasty and verbally cruel, threaten you're going to leave, then you are an emotional abuser and it sounds like he's starting to gain his strength back a little. He doesn't love you unconditionally, he's scared to leave. There's a very big difference.

 

If you truly care about saving this relationship (and frankly, I can't see why he'd want to), you need to get into personal therapy/counselling, immediately. Show him that you are trying to change. If you are. Couples counselling could also be beneficial. Without it, I don't see how it's possible for this to work out at all.

 

If you don't feel valued or treated well at the start of a relationship in the future, you need to leave, rather try to get even and redress the balance by making someone's life a misery.

[dreamingoftigers]

So basically, I've been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half. In the beginning of the relationship I was very understanding etc etc. But then a lot of stupid misunderstandings came about and ever since then my behavior has really changed.

 

 

My boyfriend claims to being 'afraid' of me, and is scared to tell me things because he's intimidated by my anger, and moodiness. I don't do anything violent or anything of that sort when I'm angry, but I do often threaten to break up with him which obviously scares him.

 

 

He lied about a few things and came clean about them recently, claiming he was too scared of how I would react if he had told me the truth at the time. So he waited until I was a little less calm. Do you think lies like that are justified? I mean, I know I do threaten him, and make him feel really bad, and make it seem like he's always the one at fault - but his behavior caused me to become this way. I feel like he neglected me in the start of the relationship, and now I feel the need to seek vengeance by keeping the ball in my court. He does love me unconditionally, and I do take advantage of that. But I feel entitled to.

 

 

Do you think a partner's behavior can cause the other partner to start hiding/lying things and is it ever justified?

 

This may come as a shame and shock to you, but hear it out:

 

The bolded is the exact profile of an abuser.

When we are in a relationship with someone, the first place we need to look is tho ourselves for responsibility, before we start examining and criticquing our mates.

I honestly think you would benefit from reading "The Verbally Abusive Relationship.

 

Apply it to yourself.

There is a real control/withholding pattern here that needs to be looked at long before you judge whether he is "justified."

 

As someone who struggled with some of these issues when I was younger, I guarantee you it will poison every relationship you touch until you face it.

[preraph]

Well, if he has a pattern of lying, then I'm not sure why you believe him when he tries to make you feel like everything is your fault because he's afraid of you, but I would suggest you need a stronger, nonlying mate, one who doesn't bring out the worst in you. So far, he's painted himself as a lying little mouse, and I think it's to keep you in check.

[Diezel]

Also, don't ever say again he loves you unconditionally... you're conditioning him to "love" you.

 

This is not love.

[Bellaisa]

He does love me unconditionally, and I do take advantage of that. But I feel entitled to.

 

 

Do you think a partner's behavior can cause the other partner to start hiding/lying things and is it ever justified?

 

When you feel entitled to it, you are never going to stop it. Just saying - you are setting yourself up for a miserable relationship for as long as it lasts.

 

As far as the lying or hiding, put yourself in his position. Try and feel the way he feels and decide what you would do from his point of view. I know I would be scared to tell you the truth about certain things, and I'm not even in a relationship with you!

[coolheadal]

Relationship aggression is what going on here. One is a bully and the other one is scare to death. Something is completely wrong here. So the OP gets really angry at her BF. BF seems to be scare or weak and doesn't stand-up to you. So your in control in this so call relationship. Well no one can change your mind you say the BF has lied to you about something you found out. Now he's scared you would end this relationship.

 

But frankly what kind of life would this be if one is a bully and the other one is scared to say the wrong things because he would know what you would do to him. If he has lied then leave and get out of this relationship since now it's damaged one. Do you want a BF that is always scared of you. Do you always want to be angry at your BF. These are matters to think about before things get out of control?

[WomenWubber]

"He does love me unconditionally, and I do take advantage of that."

 

He feeds you that bull**** so you don't get your panties in a bunch.

 

In his mind, his lying is justified because you scare the crap out of him. You two are alike in the sense that both of you justify unhealthy behavior and feel entitled to act that way. This will end up with one of you blowing up unless someone steps up and decides to end this madness.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

You admit to being manipulative if not downright emotionally abusive, threatening your boyfriend and destroying his self-esteem, and taking advantage of his love for you. And your question is whether his actions are justified.

 

It's strange that you're completely aware of your own destructive behaviors, yet are uninterested in changing them. You don't seem to have any remorse whatsoever, either. Break up with your boyfriend; he has obviously been scarred by the experience and doesn't deserve to be hurt any more, and you shouldn't be dating until you develop a sense of empathy.

[ExpatInItaly]

Your emotional abuse and manipulation are your fault. 100%. Everyone is responsible for his or her own behavior, so cut the crap about him making you behave that way. Own the way you treat him.

 

And yes, people often do start lying and hiding things because they fear an abusive partner's reactions. Is it right? No. It is common? Yes. Why are you surprised by this? You describe yourself as manipulative and vindictive. That is scary and you will eventually lose him - mark my words. The very fact that he's telling you why he lies indicates that his love isn't unconditional; he's warning you to stop. It's up to you to either look in the mirror and change your behavior or lose this man to a healthier woman.

[candie13]

Actually, I disagree with all of the other posters. F*ck that behaviour, he lies and then he is "scared of your behaviour"? How about not lying in the first place ?!?

 

It's passive agrgressive and he is using the fact that you are over emotional and over involved to his advantage.

 

It's like him lying, you screaming and him asking you not to scream & why u'r screaming and that it's your fault for the whole relationship falling apart. Really ? Where did all the anger come from, God ? He is the manipulator !!

 

Girl, master your emotions and learn to use your brains. Do the math. By yourself. Learn to not REACT. And learn to stand up for yourself, in front of him, and here, in front of the others !

 

Cheers

[candie13]

Why are you angry and why are you moody ??? Why are you over reacting ? Because you are in over your head and ... because he did stuff to trigger your anger and your neediness.

 

Always look at the cause, at the why ! While the manifestation of your reaction may be exaggerated, it does not make your reaction - that of feeing hurt or insecure - less valid. You are entitled to feeling what you are feeling.

 

But, you need to face that. You need to learn to handle reality better, cope with your emotions and understand what exactly it is that ticks you off so badly and makes you so insecure. And you cannot do that by yourself, but with him. Through talking. Like 2 adults.

 

And no, lying is never ok. The only person he was trying to protect through lying is himself, not you or the relationship.

 

Try to get balance, harmony back into your life and your couple. And if it is impossible to get balanced with him, then set him free. No one deserves to be with someone who drives them up the wall to that point or that insecure...

[Kat_125]

I am not acting like I am uninterested in changing. I acknowledge my behavior, I realize it’s not only self-destructive but equally (if not more) harmful to him. What I’m trying to get at over here is that I wasn’t ALWAYS a monster. I got into this relationship with a very mature, calm and controlled mindset. I kept calm about things that could have been blown out of proportion, and I came on this exact forum a while ago expressing my concerns about things that bothered me – and you know what advice I was given? “Don’t overreact, you’re being paranoid, until you have solid evidence of your boyfriend being unfaithful – don’t overreact.” And that’s exactly what I did, I didn’t overreact, I remain calm and composed and let one red flag after the other go unnoticed because I didn’t WANT to control him, EVER or seem like the crazy one. In fact, that’s the problem. Us women are taught to question our instincts, because we’re told that we're inherently paranoid and overthink. And then when we lash, and we’re held responsible AGAIN?

 

Then I came to the point where I couldn’t compose myself anymore because I was angry, upset, and disappointed over SO many things. Every time something came up in regards to how my boyfriend treated me in the past, I would threaten him to leave. Following this whole me getting moody 24/7 and me getting mad at the slightest reminder of the past, he felt he HAD to lie and hide certain things from me – otherwise I’d overreact again and leave him. On one hand I realize my reactions can be outrageous at times, which may cause him to feel scared. BUT, on the other hand, how is it justifiable for him to be doing that when he in fact triggered all these feelings of insecurity and anger within me in the first place?

 

I did make a mistake of staying with him when I didn’t feel valued at one point, but despite all our differences I always tried to see the best in him and give him the benefit of the doubt and constantly think that my anger, my insecurities, my issues were MY problem.

 

On top of that, when I do get super angry or upset, he’ll go out and buy me really expensive things. And for like a week I do my best not to get angry over ANYTHING because I feel like “hey, he just bought me so many things! If I get bad, I’ll be the bad person!” And then, when I do feel like breaking things off, he’ll go into all this “I can’t live without you. I’ll be your slave forever, but please don’t leave me.” Like?

[Diezel]

And yes, I use quotes because this is not a relationship at all. It's a master-slave dynamic.

 

And then, when I do feel like breaking things off, he’ll go into all this “I can’t live without you. I’ll be your slave forever, but please don’t leave me.” Like?

 

GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP.

 

It's not doing YOU any good, it's not doing HIM any good. It's a vicious cycle. It's a relationship built on lies, deceit, and control. There is no love here.

 

You are only damaging YOURSELF even more the longer you stay in it.

[Kat_125]

Why are you angry and why are you moody ??? Why are you over reacting ? Because you are in over your head and ... because he did stuff to trigger your anger and your neediness.

 

Always look at the cause, at the why ! While the manifestation of your reaction may be exaggerated, it does not make your reaction - that of feeing hurt or insecure - less valid. You are entitled to feeling what you are feeling.

 

But, you need to face that. You need to learn to handle reality better, cope with your emotions and understand what exactly it is that ticks you off so badly and makes you so insecure. And you cannot do that by yourself, but with him. Through talking. Like 2 adults.

 

And no, lying is never ok. The only person he was trying to protect through lying is himself, not you or the relationship.

 

Try to get balance, harmony back into your life and your couple. And if it is impossible to get balanced with him, then set him free. No one deserves to be with someone who drives them up the wall to that point or that insecure...

 

That's the problem. I feel like I can't even differentiate anymore between whether I'm mad/moody because I'm just crazy and an "abuser" or because there were certain things that happened to cause me to feel this way. If I'm constantly told that I shouldn't express myself because I'll come off as being controlling or a whiny gf - I have to keep all my problems to myself thinking that they're MY problems and have nothing to do with him. So I did just that, until I couldn't take it anymore. And then started lashing out at him every time I felt I was going to be mistreated again.

 

 

It's come to the point where I just need to be told "hey, he's allowed to lie because you're just mad." or "hey, he messed up, you bottled up your anger to prevent yourself from becoming the monster you are today - but you ended up becoming that monster anyway- and HE had a role in that."

 

 

I think I got my answer though. I'm at fault and he's expected to behave that way because I emotionally abuse him.

[Satu]

I think you need to take responsibility for your feelings, and learn to work with them in a constructive, rather than destructive way. The constructive way leads to growth, and the destructive way leads to unhappy relationships and little or no growth.

 

If you want to talk about constructive ways of dealing with your feelings, Loveshack is a good place to start

 

As a way of getting the ball rolling, how are you feeling today?

[ExpatInItaly]

If you both make each other feel so emotionally drained, anxious and unhappy, why in heaven's name are you still together? The dynamic is so toxic that it's making you both miserable. Clearly, it's not working.

[candie13]

 

It's come to the point where I just need to be told "hey, he's allowed to lie because you're just mad." or "hey, he messed up, you bottled up your anger to prevent yourself from becoming the monster you are today - but you ended up becoming that monster anyway- and HE had a role in that."

 

I think I got my answer though. I'm at fault and he's expected to behave that way because I emotionally abuse him.

 

It is never healthy to bottle up emotions. Never ever. You need to acknowledge them, understand where they steam from, express them and then set them free. Never come back on them again, because you've already dealt with them.

 

How are you at fault, when you say you suspect his cheating ? if you like being the aggressor, that is different. He obviously likes your abuse, because he is rewarding it with expensive gifts....

 

It will be very difficult for you to stop this dynamic, since he is not only not going a thing to stop it, but he is encouraging your misbehaving...

 

now... if you choose to act irrationally and have emotional fits because you had reasons to be upset at some moment in time... indeed, then what it is that you are doing to him is called emotional abuse.

 

However, he did not "transform" you into this monster, you've done that by yourself, because you've allowed it to get to you. No one can "make" you do anything. It is your own doing. Take responsibility for what's happening with you, for your reactions and emotions, because it is very obvious that you have lost control.

[dreamingoftigers]

Seriously.

Two parts here:

 

1. He lies and justifies.

2. You bottle up and explode, and then justify it.

 

As well, you both manipulate each other into making up or doing "penance" of some kind.

 

If you are condoning his behaviour by allowing yourself to be sucked in by gifts and placation, you own that.

 

You don't get to make him feel as bad as possible and try to twist his feelings around everytime he behaves poorly.

 

You do have the choice to leave.

That's it. When someone you aren't married to does dealbreaking behaviour and they are not receptive to real change (if you are willing to stay with them) then you can leave.

 

Not find ways to make them hurt because you feel "entitled to it".

 

You aren't.

No one is.

Love is not an accounting ledger to see who can even out the guilt and pain scores.

 

That's the problem. I feel like I can't even differentiate anymore between whether I'm mad/moody because I'm just crazy and an "abuser" or because there were certain things that happened to cause me to feel this way. If I'm constantly told that I shouldn't express myself because I'll come off as being controlling or a whiny gf - I have to keep all my problems to myself thinking that they're MY problems and have nothing to do with him. So I did just that, until I couldn't take it anymore. And then started lashing out at him every time I felt I was going to be mistreated again.

 

 

It's come to the point where I just need to be told "hey, he's allowed to lie because you're just mad." or "hey, he messed up, you bottled up your anger to prevent yourself from becoming the monster you are today - but you ended up becoming that monster anyway- and HE had a role in that."

 

 

I think I got my answer though. I'm at fault and he's expected to behave that way because I emotionally abuse him.

[Gloria25]

I don't have that much to add cuz everyone pretty much covered it...

 

I don't want people walking around eggshells when it comes to me.

 

While I am dealing with a lot of stress, get moody, and my monthly period just exacerbates it - I try really hard to keep myself in check, and when I do, I do apologize and/or make up for it. I even go so far to just avoid contact with people or have a "safe word". Really, I did. With one guy, when I felt I was about to tell him to "f-himself sideways", I'd tell him like "right now is not a good time, babe". Cuz, I valued the RL and am not gonna put him through my monthly drama.

 

Even when I flew off the handle this week emotionally, I tried to approach the person with the intent to apologize, call a "cease fire" and try to get some dialogue between us to see if I was out of line in my thinking about him and some things he was doing (eh, but it didn't pan out like I planned).

 

And, IMO, that's what you gotta do in a RL - communicate. All this passive aggressive fighting, keeping each other "In check", controlling, manipulating - gosh where does it end? I don't want to be "in fear" when dating someone. Who can live like that?

[Satu]

I decided some years ago, that I only want to give the best of myself to others. The 'less than best' of myself, I would work on in my own time.

 

Since I made that decision, all my relationships have prospered, and I'm a happier person.

Edited January 2, 2015 by Satu