2 years of being the other woman

[bossybabe84]

I am getting over a horrible break up and I just need some advice from men (or women). I’m going to try to make this as short as possible.

 

 

So I met this guy who was a year younger than me (I’m 30 andhe is 29). I know that is not a huge difference, however I am used to dating older guys and sometimes a year apart can make a difference. When I met this guy in 12/12, I was not looking for a relationship and I was really just focusing on work and school. Well…..he changed my mind about things. He told me he had fell in love with me and at first, I was taken back because I didn’t take him seriously. I eventually fell in love with him too and we constantly talked all day, nonstop, every day. He always came to see me at least 2-3 times a week until he got another job, then I started seeing him once every other week. I was very understanding because his new job had him working a lot of overtime and I was working 12 hour days myself because I just received a promotion. I did have my doubts that he was messing around with someone else, but I thought I was just being paranoid because of the infidelities in my previous relationship.

 

 

Everything wasn’t always great with us and we had our ups and downs. He always told me he loved me and he brought up the idea of meeting my parents. So….I set it up and my parents adored him. Almost 2 years in and I was very satisfied with him. Our sex was amazing and I couldn’t see myself without him. My dream soon became a nightmare when I found out he was not only living with someone, but he had two kids with the person too. For some reason I wasn’t surprised, but I was livid. I sent screenshots of the two of them together to his phone and I asked him why he lied to me. Why did he play with my feelings like this? He never texted me back. He never once responded. So I took it upon myself to speak to the woman he was living with. She didn’t seem too upset. He of course told her that I was lying about our relationship, but I sent her over 15,000 text messages between us that proved I was telling the truth. She thanked me for telling her and she even said that I could have him LOL…. I told her no, I just wanted my key to my house back.

 

 

It’s been a week since the incident happened. I have not received one text or call from him to explain the situation. After two years of I love you’s, dinners with my parents, plans of marriage and having babies, you treat me like this? Was I truly just the other woman and if so, why go through all that trouble? The questions keep going through my mind and I am so tired of thinking about the what if’s. I know I will never hear from him again, but I just can’t believe this happened to me.

Edited January 2, 2015 by bossybabe84

[Artie Lang]

wow, i really feel for you, as you had no clue this man misrepresented his situation to you. now you know all there is to know about his character and are better off.

 

 

if i have anything more to add, it's that hopefully time will heal your wounds in some way.

 

 

good luck.

 

 

 

 

ps- do not get sucked back into this if he decides to contact you in any way. it will be counterproductive to your already fragile emotional health.

[Lovemesomehim]

Bossybabe84..... For two years you never knew this man was involved with someone else? Never went to his house? Never around his friends and family?never excuses why you can't meet up? Never red flags?

[Poppy47]

I agree.... did you not go out, meet his friends, family????

 

It sounds like an odd relationship.

Poppy

[GoldieLox]

That's what I'm wondering as well, was there ever any red flags? How did you eventually find this out? I'm not trying to sound accusatory or blame you- I'm just genuinely curious. Anyway, I'm sorry you're going through this. 2 years is an awfully long time to be decepted to this extent.

[Jatan]

He is simply an idiot. You must have felt cheated. Maybe it is not the first time as his wife don't even really bother anymore. Leave him and you will find someone better.

[Friskyone4u]

How on earth if he was doing all these things with you and your family did he have so much time. And you were never suspicious?????

And his wife did not seem upset???

This guy either is super smooth or you were so "snowed" you refused to ask any of the right questions. You are better off without this drama and learn from what just occurred .

Anyone can get fooled once, but the next man you become involved with should be getting a little closer scrutiny.

[Poppy47]

I was just thinking about you Bossy.

 

My friend's daughter was married about a month ago... the beautiful fairy tale wedding to her fiancee of 7 years.

 

Two weeks later the daughter had an email from another woman who had been fully involved with this man for 4... yes..4 years.

 

My friend's daughter was living with her fiancee under her parents' roof and NOBODY in their family or circle of friends had any idea.

 

So YES, it can happen to anybody. Just be grateful you didn't prepare for a wedding or buy a house with the moron.

 

Best wishes,

Poppy.

[GirlStillStrong]

What a d%£k. I'm so glad you found out now.

[J2911]

Oh my , I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Wow ! What the heck is wrong with people I swear.

What a complete jerk to do this to his wife , children ,

You , your family. You know thankfully you know now and he is a complete sociopath in my opinion to do something like this and not have any conscious capabilities at all .

Karma darling is not going to be kind to this man.

I'm so sorry . Consider this a blessing that he hasn't contacted you. Sadly though, he has probably moved on to another girl playing her now as well. So sad .

[bossybabe84]

Just to give everyone an update, he did contact me. He called me and I missed the call. So I texted him and asked why he called. He told me he dialed my number by mistake. Really? Ha...jokes on you because my number shouldn't be in your phone! Two days after his "ass dial," he texted me this long apology. Wow...it only took three weeks. Was it really that hard?

[eye of the storm]

Don't mean to be a debbie downer but...he probably didn't "a$$ dial" you. It was a fishing expedition. He was seeing if you would respond to him. And you did. Then the apology. Which he may or may not have meant. He may have been apologizing just so he could get you hooked again.

 

I would treat him like he has measles...avoid.

[KismetGirl]

this is a typica situation that proves the theory that you should always follow your gut. It also proves my theory that if someone wants to be with you, no job will keep them away lol. The whole "im working overtime" excuse. Nice.

 

Well. I feel for you. It's horrible to have a break up after two years, and further to have been lied to to to this extent. I went through a bad break up after two years, and he cheated on me, though he didnt have a whole other secret family i suppose.

 

Either way, as someone said before, be grateful you DIDN'T actually marry/engage/have babies with this fool. You are emotionally broken perhaps, but that will heal. You have the blessing to be able to move on from him without any attachments.

 

if i were you i would block his number on your phone (if you have an iphone there is an option at the bottom of the contact to block them-- they have to be saved in your phone). Block him on facebook. Block every method of communication you can, and tell him to f**k off for the ones you can't easily block (email or work phone or something).

 

Lesson learned-- be trusting of your instincts in the future. Don't be paranoid, but in this situation, I think red flags should have been obvious and you probably ignored them wanting to believe that the "weirdness" (never meeting his family? never going to his house?) were just due to his "job". Right. After two years if you haven't been introduced into every facet of his life he is hiding something.

 

Again, Im so sorry for this bullcrap you've been sujected to but you will move on eventually. After my two year relationship ended, it wasnt even as deceitful, and i was devasted for like a year. Eventually I found someone else I liked. You'll do it too.

 

In a strange way, I know you will think this is crazy, but it's good this wasn't a "typical" affair in which you knew he was married or with someone else or whatever. In typical A's you sort of become complacent to his situation after a while-- I should know. I've been in one on and off ten years. You hate it, you hate yourself, and yet because you knew about the wife/kids/etc from the beginning you sort of just keep taking it and taking it and hoping things will change.

 

in this situation you didnt know. you thought it was a normal relationship. Now you know he's a lying pr*k and you can just move on because it wasn't your fault. Weird logic but its the truth, from someone who's been on all sides of every relationship equation, unfortunately.

 

There's a blessing to every side. In this case you found the truth, you have nothing to anchor you to him (kids, etc), and you can move on with life and not make the same mistake twice.

 

best of luck.

[Gloria_Smellons]

It’s been a week since the incident happened. I have not received one text or call from him to explain the situation. After two years of I love you’s, dinners with my parents, plans of marriage and having babies, you treat me like this? Was I truly just the other woman and if so, why go through all that trouble? The questions keep going through my mind and I am so tired of thinking about the what if’s. I know I will never hear from him again, but I just can’t believe this happened to me.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this, what a grade a ****bag.

 

I know you feel like you want/deserve an explanation, I think we all would in this situation, but what could he possibly say that could make you feel any better about what he did?

 

'I'm a total selfish arse who was living two lives because I wanted too and I was managing to get away with it'. Would that really make you feel any better?! I doubt he'd even say that, he'd probably go with something more along the lines of 'I never meant for this to happen, I just loved you so much, things are bad at home....Yada Yada Yada.'. All tripe, and none of it helpful.

 

You found out who he is, so take the time to process that information and move on. You were totally and utterly wronged and it isn't right, it isn't fair, and you didn't deserve it, but it happened.

 

Move on and don't look back.

 

Also, block him from all forms of communication. I seriously doubt this will be the last you hear from him.

[EverySunset]

Like so many men with a pregnant SO or young children at home, he was looking for an escape. Some focused time when all the attention was on him. Not a crying baby, or two. Not another sleepless night of no sex since everyone is exhausted from taking care of two little high needs babies.

 

He used you and made you feel important to him because you were. Whether you knew it or not, he got to feel free with you. Adored, loved. The sad thing is, every minute he was with you, that poor girl was taking care of two little ones by herself. Every minute he was with you, he wasn't with those two new tiny souls that were made to love him and miss him.

 

He was robbing time from those two little ones to be with you.

 

That makes my heart sad. For his girlfriend, for his babies, and yes, for you. You all deserve more from a man who based his decisions on pure ego.

 

Get out now, and be glad you never became pregnant. Because you know firsthand how he handles his responsibilities.

Edited January 31, 2015 by EverySunset

[Realist3]

Why not just change the locks?

[darkmoon]

you never saw his home... next time, next guy, make a point of it...,.i would, and a decent guy will not mind inviting you.

[anika99]

you never saw his home... next time, next guy, make a point of it...,.i would, and a decent guy will not mind inviting you.

 

I totally agree.

 

 

OP it sounds like for the entire 2yrs the relationship consisted of this guy coming into your world but he never invited you into his. Seems like his life when he wasn't with you was pretty much a mystery to you and you were fine with that. Why did you not take more of an interest in him? How can one go for 2yrs never meeting the family and friends of the bf? Never seeing his house or how he lives? I could be wrong but it's almost like this guys presence in your life was solely to meet your needs and pay attention to you and your life while you had little interest in his life. I'm not saying that's wrong or a bad thing but I think that made it awfully easy for this guy to fool you and string you along.

[bossybabe84]

I'm looking at these posts and everyone was right. Too bad it took me 8 more months to realize he really didn't love me.

 

After we got back together we worked on having a baby together. I finally ended up pregnant and his feelings completely changed. He told me to have an abortion and he didn't want anymore kids. He also said he thought I couldn't have kids. I didn't understand where this was coming from because we constantly talked about having a baby. He rushed over when I got my positive ovulation test. Up until the day I showed him the positive pregnancy test, all he could talk about is our baby.

 

Well he apologized for telling me to have an abortion....but I still didn't forgive him. I felt like he deceived me again and I had a feeling that he really didn't want anymore kids. I felt like he was lying to me to get me to stick around and I also felt like he was still with his previous gf. Why else would he all of a sudden want me to have an abortion?

 

I ended up having a high risk pregnancy. He never went to an appt. He never offered to pick up groceries for me or helping me around the house. I felt alone. I had a miscarrage at 10 weeks. He asked me if I needed him at the hospital? As if it was an option. ...to make matters worse....after the miscarriage was confirmed...he didn't offer any type of comfort. He actually asked me what I wanted him to do as if he couldn't figure it out.

 

Same day I miscarried, I found out that he was still with his gf. She called me and we had words, but it calmed down after a while. She couldn't believe he did this to her again. She told me that he denied talking to me at all and he said he didn't know who I was pregnant by. Even after all the screenshots. ..he still lied and said they were fake and he hasn't talked to me in forever.

 

So not only did I lose my child, I loss him, and found out that he denied me as if I was some piece of trash. I'm still dealing with the loss of my child because its still fresh. I think what hurts the most is that I had to go through it alone. Maybe this is what I deserve.

Edited September 11, 2015 by bossybabe84

[Lovemesomehim]

I'm looking at these posts and everyone was right. Too bad it took me 8 more months to realize he really didn't love me.

 

After we got back together we worked on having a baby together. I finally ended up pregnant and his feelings completely changed. He told me to have an abortion and he didn't want anymore kids. He also said he thought I couldn't have kids. I didn't understand where this was coming from because we constantly talked about having a baby. He rushed over when I got my positive ovulation test. Up until the day I showed him the positive pregnancy test, all he could talk about is our baby.

 

Well he apologized for telling me to have an abortion....but I still didn't forgive him. I felt like he deceived me again and I had a feeling that he really didn't want anymore kids. I felt like he was lying to me to get me to stick around and I also felt like he was still with his previous gf. Why else would he all of a sudden want me to have an abortion?

 

I ended up having a high risk pregnancy. He never went to an appt. He never offered to pick up groceries for me or helping me around the house. I felt alone. I had a miscarrage at 10 weeks. He asked me if I needed him at the hospital? As if it was an option. ...to make matters worse....after the miscarriage was confirmed...he didn't offer any type of comfort. He actually asked me what I wanted him to do as if he couldn't figure it out.

 

Same day I miscarried, I found out that he was still with his gf. She called me and we had words, but it calmed down after a while. She couldn't believe he did this to her again. She told me that he denied talking to me at all and he said he didn't know who I was pregnant by. Even after all the screenshots. ..he still lied and said they were fake and he hasn't talked to me in forever.

 

So not only did I lose my child, I loss him, and found out that he denied me as if I was some piece of trash. I'm still dealing with the loss of my child because its still fresh. I think what hurts the most is that I had to go through it alone. Maybe this is what I deserve.

 

No one deserves to be betrayed. No one deserves to be mistreated.

I'm sorry you miscarried. That in itself is a horrible experience and to be alone without him there I know hurt as well. ((Hugs))

Let him go. He has shown you the type of man he is, believe what you have seen from him.

[bossybabe84]

Thank you. I will give myself time to grieve and move on. I can't believe I let myself be pulled into his lies and games. What hurts the most is that he told everyone in his family that I was lying and he didn't know who child I was carrying.

 

He portrayed me as a desperate woman looking for attention. As if I had nothing going for me.

[Mount]

Sorry for your loss and hope you recover soon.

 

Again, another OW that sacrificing herself health, and for WHAT?

 

Had said that repeatedly, in any kind of relationship, women should ALWAYS protect her money and her health - it is golden rule.

 

Because the truth is, women stupidly think if they offer significant of love in the format of money or health (such as using her body to bear a man's child) will win that man's love - that is not possible.

 

If a man loves you , he WILL give and he WILL offer, including giving that woman his time, his financial means...and everything else.

 

I'm looking at these posts and everyone was right. Too bad it took me 8 more months to realize he really didn't love me.

 

After we got back together we worked on having a baby together. I finally ended up pregnant and his feelings completely changed. He told me to have an abortion and he didn't want anymore kids. He also said he thought I couldn't have kids. I didn't understand where this was coming from because we constantly talked about having a baby. He rushed over when I got my positive ovulation test. Up until the day I showed him the positive pregnancy test, all he could talk about is our baby.

 

Well he apologized for telling me to have an abortion....but I still didn't forgive him. I felt like he deceived me again and I had a feeling that he really didn't want anymore kids. I felt like he was lying to me to get me to stick around and I also felt like he was still with his previous gf. Why else would he all of a sudden want me to have an abortion?

 

I ended up having a high risk pregnancy. He never went to an appt. He never offered to pick up groceries for me or helping me around the house. I felt alone. I had a miscarrage at 10 weeks. He asked me if I needed him at the hospital? As if it was an option. ...to make matters worse....after the miscarriage was confirmed...he didn't offer any type of comfort. He actually asked me what I wanted him to do as if he couldn't figure it out.

 

Same day I miscarried, I found out that he was still with his gf. She called me and we had words, but it calmed down after a while. She couldn't believe he did this to her again. She told me that he denied talking to me at all and he said he didn't know who I was pregnant by. Even after all the screenshots. ..he still lied and said they were fake and he hasn't talked to me in forever.

 

So not only did I lose my child, I loss him, and found out that he denied me as if I was some piece of trash. I'm still dealing with the loss of my child because its still fresh. I think what hurts the most is that I had to go through it alone. Maybe this is what I deserve.

[bossybabe84]

You're right. Thank you

[Adoraxx]

Sending you many hugs, bossybabe (((((((((((((((((((((((((((( HUGS ))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[bossybabe84]

Thank you so much