OW still contacting my H!! Why won't he tell her go away???

[confusedwifey81]

Update on my story. So for awhile My H and his OW have had NC for several weeks now. I still have access to my H's FB and messages so I do know that they have been NC. At least until she broke it yesterday afternoon to tell him "Happy new year. Hope all is well". He wrote her right back saying "Hey happy new year to you too, hope it was a good one". I just don't get why he doesn't tell her F off, stop contacting him? And it seems like he jumps to respond to her messages. Now he has not used the messenger app since they stopped talking but he re-downloaded it yesterday, she never responded to his message so he deleted it again.

 

I am blowing this out of portion? I AM NOT going to confront my H, he does not know that I have access to FB and stuff and until I can fully trust him again, I don't want him to know. I know this is no way to live but that is not what my thread is about. I want to know why he won't tell her to go away and is so quick to respond to her. He won't initate the contact but if she makes contact, he jumps at it to reply. Some people he never replies to, or takes his time but with her, like I said, he jumps at the oppurtunity to reply...whats up with this??

[purplesorrow]

Update on my story. So for awhile My H and his OW have had NC for several weeks now. I still have access to my H's FB and messages so I do know that they have been NC. At least until she broke it yesterday afternoon to tell him "Happy new year. Hope all is well". He wrote her right back saying "Hey happy new year to you too, hope it was a good one". I just don't get why he doesn't tell her F off, stop contacting him? And it seems like he jumps to respond to her messages. Now he has not used the messenger app since they stopped talking but he re-downloaded it yesterday, she never responded to his message so he deleted it again.

 

I am blowing this out of portion? I AM NOT going to confront my H, he does not know that I have access to FB and stuff and until I can fully trust him again, I don't want him to know. I know this is no way to live but that is not what my thread is about. I want to know why he won't tell her to go away and is so quick to respond to her. He won't initate the contact but if she makes contact, he jumps at it to reply. Some people he never replies to, or takes his time but with her, like I said, he jumps at the oppurtunity to reply...whats up with this??

 

Get a lawyer. He doesn't care that it hurts you. You aren't a parole officer. You shouldn't have to monitor a grown a$$ man. Why live like that?

[Rainbowlove]

Because when she contacts him, he feels special. He feels thought about. He feels important.

 

It's about ego. I doubt he even realizes it. It's also a rush. It's like a drug; an addiction.

 

She sucks him in and he's there waiting for the next high like the junkie he is.

 

And telling your AP, if you care about them at all, to go away is hard to do. Especially hard if he didn't really want to say goodbye or was not emotionally ready to let go.

 

I've done it, but I do it gently and kindly and always feel horrible for hurting her.

 

Each time she breaks contact, it starts all those old feelings again.

 

Sorry. It doesn't sound like he's ready to let her go and put your M first.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Update on my story. So for awhile My H and his OW have had NC for several weeks now. I still have access to my H's FB and messages so I do know that they have been NC. At least until she broke it yesterday afternoon to tell him "Happy new year. Hope all is well". He wrote her right back saying "Hey happy new year to you too, hope it was a good one". I just don't get why he doesn't tell her F off, stop contacting him? And it seems like he jumps to respond to her messages. Now he has not used the messenger app since they stopped talking but he re-downloaded it yesterday, she never responded to his message so he deleted it again.

 

Well, on the plus side, you've confirmed they're not talking through secret phone numbers, secret FB accounts, Twitter, or whatever. If they were, they'd have used that "safe" means of communication.

 

I am blowing this out of portion? I AM NOT going to confront my H, he does not know that I have access to FB and stuff and until I can fully trust him again, I don't want him to know.

 

Oh dear. The best way to rebuild trust after a lie is not to change who's doing the lying. If you'll lie to him about having access to his FB and checking it, you're just switching which foundation of lies you're moving forward on.

 

Tell him you have access, tell him what you saw. Ask for answers. Secretly stewing on a violation of NC via your unknown-to-him access to his accounts helps absolutely nobody at all. You guys both have to be 100% honest with each other if you have even a shot in the dark of moving forward.

 

I know this is no way to live but that is not what my thread is about. I want to know why he won't tell her to go away and is so quick to respond to her. He won't initate the contact but if she makes contact, he jumps at it to reply. Some people he never replies to, or takes his time but with her, like I said, he jumps at the oppurtunity to reply...whats up with this??

 

If that really is the case, honestly, you don't need us to answer the question because you already know.

[jm2013]

So I saw another thread with your original story. Your husband cheated on you, gave you an STD before you were married and is probably cheating on your now and you want him back? Am I missing something here? He'll probably continue cheating on you because you've shown him that's ok. He probably doesn't even care anymore. I'm sorry you're going through this but it is evident your husband does not respect you. To be honest, it sounds kind of dangerous if he's out playing around behind your back and you're still having sex with him. One day he might bring back something you cannot get rid of. Sorry you're going through this.

[confusedwifey81]

Get a lawyer. He doesn't care that it hurts you. You aren't a parole officer. You shouldn't have to monitor a grown a$$ man. Why live like that?

 

I understand what you are saying. For the most past, he is staying away from her like I asked. I don't want to live like this forever, but I am worried if I tell him I have access then I won't be honestly able to verify what he says. I don't plan to always do this, I was actually feeling a little better until she sent him a message.

[Rainbowlove]

But its a false feeling better for you.

 

You can't really feel better having to check on him and worry about her and him talking.

 

You are fooling yourself.

 

Until "he" gets to a place of being ready to go no contact, she has the power to take away any chance of recovery you have, if that's the goal.

 

What are you waiting to catch them saying??

[purplesorrow]

I understand what you are saying. For the most past, he is staying away from her like I asked. I don't want to live like this forever, but I am worried if I tell him I have access then I won't be honestly able to verify what he says. I don't plan to always do this, I was actually feeling a little better until she sent him a message.

 

How will it change if you don't confront him? You will just be sitting back watching a situation grow between them. If he was serious about you and your marriage, she would be completely out of the picture. He would make sure she couldn't contact him.

[confusedwifey81]

Because when she contacts him, he feels special. He feels thought about. He feels important.

 

It's about ego. I doubt he even realizes it. It's also a rush. It's like a drug; an addiction.

 

She sucks him in and he's there waiting for the next high like the junkie he is.

 

And telling your AP, if you care about them at all, to go away is hard to do. Especially hard if he didn't really want to say goodbye or was not emotionally ready to let go.

 

I've done it, but I do it gently and kindly and always feel horrible for hurting her.

 

Each time she breaks contact, it starts all those old feelings again.

 

Sorry. It doesn't sound like he's ready to let her go and put your M first.

 

Thanks for your reply. It makes me mad that all she has to do is send him a stupid, generic message and he jumped to respond! I mean the message wasn't necessarily a message that needed replying, she didn't ask him anything.

 

I am just trying to understand his mind frame when it comes to her. He could have said nothing , or he could have said "Thx. You too". But noooo he has to act all excited "Hey happy new year to you too! Hope it was a good one"

 

I don't like that she can send a stupid message and undo all these weeks of NC. No doubt he is at least thinking about her now. I looked at her page and she has a new pic up and she looks really pretty .

 

According to their messages when he first told her he was going to work on our marriage, it was very obvious he didn't want to let her go and made it known he was not happy with the decision. He also mentioned something about not knowing if it would even work between us again.

[confusedwifey81]

Well, on the plus side, you've confirmed they're not talking through secret phone numbers, secret FB accounts, Twitter, or whatever. If they were, they'd have used that "safe" means of communication.

 

 

 

Oh dear. The best way to rebuild trust after a lie is not to change who's doing the lying. If you'll lie to him about having access to his FB and checking it, you're just switching which foundation of lies you're moving forward on.

 

Tell him you have access, tell him what you saw. Ask for answers. Secretly stewing on a violation of NC via your unknown-to-him access to his accounts helps absolutely nobody at all. You guys both have to be 100% honest with each other if you have even a shot in the dark of moving forward.

 

 

 

If that really is the case, honestly, you don't need us to answer the question because you already know.

 

Thank you. I don't want to tell him about the access I have yet because I want to know what he is TRULY doing and if it matches his words. I feel like if he knew, he would limit my access or act in a fake way because he knows I can see.

 

I get this is no way to live, I was feeling better and going to stop but lo and behold here goes his little OW, sending out stupid messages he jumps at. She didn't even care to ask how he was doing or nothing. Some friend.

[confusedwifey81]

So I saw another thread with your original story. Your husband cheated on you, gave you an STD before you were married and is probably cheating on your now and you want him back? Am I missing something here? He'll probably continue cheating on you because you've shown him that's ok. He probably doesn't even care anymore. I'm sorry you're going through this but it is evident your husband does not respect you. To be honest, it sounds kind of dangerous if he's out playing around behind your back and you're still having sex with him. One day he might bring back something you cannot get rid of. Sorry you're going through this.

 

Yes he did. We have been trying to make our marriage work and he has not contacted this OW for several weeks until she did.

 

I don't think he is still out playing around my back.

[confusedwifey81]

But its a false feeling better for you.

 

You can't really feel better having to check on him and worry about her and him talking.

 

You are fooling yourself.

 

Until "he" gets to a place of being ready to go no contact, she has the power to take away any chance of recovery you have, if that's the goal.

 

What are you waiting to catch them saying??

 

Well he isn't contacting her or intinating contact. That doesn't count towrads him being ready let go of her?

 

Well I'm not waiting for anything specific but if the affair resumes between them then I am done for good this time.

[confusedwifey81]

How will it change if you don't confront him? You will just be sitting back watching a situation grow between them. If he was serious about you and your marriage, she would be completely out of the picture. He would make sure she couldn't contact him.

 

Well he always told her he still wanted to talk from time to time even after recommiting to our marriage but she didn't take him up on it.

[jm2013]

Yes he did. We have been trying to make our marriage work and he has not contacted this OW for several weeks until she did.

 

I don't think he is still out playing around my back.

 

This is where it will probably get rather confusing and that much harder to uncover. You KNOW what your husband is capable of doing because he's done it before. I'm not sure how you caught him the first time but I'm sure he's tried to learn from his past mistakes to hide things a little better.

 

Do they work together? How did they meet? Were they friends before? It is obvious your husband has feelings for this woman. It sounds more like lust than love but who knows. You should plan a VAR in his car. At least you could pickup conversations on a phone you may not even know about. A cheater will always find a way to cheat. It may appear he's being "open" but for all you know the communication could be going on through different outlets you don't even know about. If a cheater is going to cheat they will find different ways to keep it hidden. From the sounds of it he's still attached to his OW. Why hasn't he blocked her completely from FB? She shouldn't even be able to send him a message.

[Rainbowlove]

Well he isn't contacting her or intinating contact. That doesn't count towrads him being ready let go of her?

 

No, he's not ready to let go of her.

 

If he was ready to let go of her, there would be not one secret conversation between them.

 

She would contact him, he would not respond at all and tell you she contacted him.

 

That's how it should look.

[jm2013]

Also, sometimes you have to think a little like a cheater. Perhaps he wants to keep her on the back burner until he knows definitively where your marriage is going. If he knows for a fact your marriage is done I am sure he'd run to her first thing. It's another selfish thing cheaters will do. They don't want to be left with nothing at all.

[Mr. Lucky]

but lo and behold here goes his little OW, sending out stupid messages

 

You've asked "Why won't he tell her go away" when you know the reason.

 

You've said "I am just trying to understand his mind frame when it comes to her" when you know exactly what he's thinking.

 

And now you're blaming her for the messages he's responding to.

 

See a pattern here ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[purplesorrow]

Well he always told her he still wanted to talk from time to time even after recommiting to our marriage but she didn't take him up on it.

 

Well, she really kind of did! She sent him a message and who is to say it will stop there? So he wants to maintain some type of relationship with someone who helped him to hurt you? Are you ok with that? My stbxh decided he wanted me and our marriage on dday. He never spoke to ow again even though we didn't even live together. He blocked her from everything on his own. Until your WH reaches that point, you are not reconciling nor working on your marriage. Don't be surprised when their communication picks up. He is trying to keep her on hold for a reason.

[confusedwifey81]

This is where it will probably get rather confusing and that much harder to uncover. You KNOW what your husband is capable of doing because he's done it before. I'm not sure how you caught him the first time but I'm sure he's tried to learn from his past mistakes to hide things a little better.

 

Do they work together? How did they meet? Were they friends before? It is obvious your husband has feelings for this woman. It sounds more like lust than love but who knows. You should plan a VAR in his car. At least you could pickup conversations on a phone you may not even know about. A cheater will always find a way to cheat. It may appear he's being "open" but for all you know the communication could be going on through different outlets you don't even know about. If a cheater is going to cheat they will find different ways to keep it hidden. From the sounds of it he's still attached to his OW. Why hasn't he blocked her completely from FB? She shouldn't even be able to send him a message.

 

She is younger than both of us but she used to work in his doctor's office. He knew her before me and I know he liked her alot back then (I have read FB messages between them from 4 years ago). Not really sure why things didn't work out but she just stopped talking with him. He met me a couple months after this, but I was not aware he had just got let down by someone he really liked. We got married the next year.

 

He won't block her FB. After I reached out and contacted her a few times, she got nervous and asked him to delete her phone # but he flat out refused. Told her he would never let me get her number but that he was not going to delete it.

 

He told her, AFTER recommiting to me and our marriage, that she can still call him to talk, or if she needs anything. He never told her NC, even though he knows thats what I want.

 

When she told on me to him for sending her messages from fake page, he got defensive with me about her, telling me leave her alone and keep her out of our mess.

[confusedwifey81]

I also want to mention even though this is embarassing but last night I created a new fake page (she blocked the other ones). I sent her two messages last night, trying to bait her into a convo (I know I shouldn't have). I didn't tell her it was me because she REFUSES to speak with me and always tells my H what I am doing and then he gets upset. She never responded so I deactivated the page this morning. I really don't want my H to know because then he will know I can see his FB.

[jm2013]

She is younger than both of us but she used to work in his doctor's office. He knew her before me and I know he liked her alot back then (I have read FB messages between them from 4 years ago). Not really sure why things didn't work out but she just stopped talking with him. He met me a couple months after this, but I was not aware he had just got let down by someone he really liked. We got married the next year.

 

He won't block her FB. After I reached out and contacted her a few times, she got nervous and asked him to delete her phone # but he flat out refused. Told her he would never let me get her number but that he was not going to delete it.

 

He told her, AFTER recommiting to me and our marriage, that she can still call him to talk, or if she needs anything. He never told her NC, even though he knows thats what I want.

 

When she told on me to him for sending her messages from fake page, he got defensive with me about her, telling me leave her alone and keep her out of our mess.

 

You have red flags all over this post. Is this the marriage you really desire? He has absolutely no respect toward you. I can only imagine he'd continue walking all over you for the duration of your marriage. Do you have kids together? What is it you see in him that's making you want to reconcile your marriage? This man has humiliated, embarrassed, disrespected and continues to disrespect you in an alleged reconciliation when you came back home. Why is HE dictating things YOU should be dictating. It's like he cheated and feels entitled to dictate how the reconciliation process is going to work without considering your feelings or what you even want. If I were you I'd bail quick. You can eventually find somebody who respects you from the beginning and who you can authentically fall in love iwth.

[purplesorrow]

Your husband is protecting her, not you. You truly deserve better. Please refocus on you and doing better for yourself. You are the only one working on your marriage.

[confusedwifey81]

Well, she really kind of did! She sent him a message and who is to say it will stop there? So he wants to maintain some type of relationship with someone who helped him to hurt you? Are you ok with that? My stbxh decided he wanted me and our marriage on dday. He never spoke to ow again even though we didn't even live together. He blocked her from everything on his own. Until your WH reaches that point, you are not reconciling nor working on your marriage. Don't be surprised when their communication picks up. He is trying to keep her on hold for a reason.

 

He doesn't see it that way since we were separated and I LEFT him. He thought of her more like a girlfriend. Spending all his time with her, shoot he was talking to her more than me and I LEFT him. He should have been groveling and apologizing but she showed him a little attention again on FB after 4 years and he ran straight into her arms. I mean when we first split, he wasn't thinking about divorce but sometime into their affair he wanted us to change our status to "legally separated". I did and didn't think much about it but then after when I started snooping on their messages, I saw that around that time, SHE was the one who put the idea in his head and he ran and spouted it off to me. He was trying to take her out somewhere and she was nervous about it and said something like "Why don't you just get legally separated and then maybe we can go out somewhere".

 

He even told me about their friendship and told me he talks about our sitaution with her.

 

She refused to sleep with him so I don't know what he would be keeping her on hold for...to be his close friend again?

[purplesorrow]

He doesn't see it that way since we were separated and I LEFT him. He thought of her more like a girlfriend. Spending all his time with her, shoot he was talking to her more than me and I LEFT him. He should have been groveling and apologizing but she showed him a little attention again on FB after 4 years and he ran straight into her arms. I mean when we first split, he wasn't thinking about divorce but sometime into their affair he wanted us to change our status to "legally separated". I did and didn't think much about it but then after when I started snooping on their messages, I saw that around that time, SHE was the one who put the idea in his head and he ran and spouted it off to me. He was trying to take her out somewhere and she was nervous about it and said something like "Why don't you just get legally separated and then maybe we can go out somewhere".

 

He even told me about their friendship and told me he talks about our sitaution with her.

 

She refused to sleep with him so I don't know what he would be keeping her on hold for...to be his close friend again?

 

Doesn't really matter why. Just that he is. And most importantly, she comes before you. She shouldn't know anything about YOUR marriage. How do you really feel about your situation?

[Rainbowlove]

She is younger than both of us but she used to work in his doctor's office. He knew her before me and I know he liked her alot back then (I have read FB messages between them from 4 years ago). Not really sure why things didn't work out but she just stopped talking with him. He met me a couple months after this, but I was not aware he had just got let down by someone he really liked. We got married the next year.

 

He won't block her FB. After I reached out and contacted her a few times, she got nervous and asked him to delete her phone # but he flat out refused. Told her he would never let me get her number but that he was not going to delete it.

 

He told her, AFTER recommiting to me and our marriage, that she can still call him to talk, or if she needs anything. He never told her NC, even though he knows thats what I want.

 

When she told on me to him for sending her messages from fake page, he got defensive with me about her, telling me leave her alone and keep her out of our mess.

 

So he is choosing her well-being over yours.

 

Doesn't sound like he cares much about your feelings at all.