OW still contacting my H!! Why won't he tell her go away???

[confusedwifey81]

You have red flags all over this post. Is this the marriage you really desire? He has absolutely no respect toward you. I can only imagine he'd continue walking all over you for the duration of your marriage. Do you have kids together? What is it you see in him that's making you want to reconcile your marriage? This man has humiliated, embarrassed, disrespected and continues to disrespect you in an alleged reconciliation when you came back home. Why is HE dictating things YOU should be dictating. It's like he cheated and feels entitled to dictate how the reconciliation process is going to work without considering your feelings or what you even want. If I were you I'd bail quick. You can eventually find somebody who respects you from the beginning and who you can authentically fall in love iwth.

 

No we do not have biological kids together. he has a daughter and so do I. He doesn't want more kids, even though I did (I have since let that go). He told his OW (who is younger) that if they had got together the first time they would have had another kid, but with me it was no more kids period, no discussion, he just didn't wan them. I mean he is a good person in general, he treats my child like his own. And I am not that financially secure right now. he makes alot more money than me.

[Bartlett67]

He's just keeping her on the line so that he can resume with her when it's more convenient. There's nothing to be confused about. He intends to f her some more while you remain oblivious. If you're confused, it's because you want to be.

[jm2013]

No we do not have biological kids together. he has a daughter and so do I. He doesn't want more kids, even though I did (I have since let that go). He told his OW (who is younger) that if they had got together the first time they would have had another kid, but with me it was no more kids period, no discussion, he just didn't wan them. I mean he is a good person in general, he treats my child like his own. And I am not that financially secure right now. he makes alot more money than me.

 

So what is it? He's not attracted to you? He feels superior that he makes more money than you? Why does he view you as such a liability not to have biological children with you? Something isn't right if he's telling his OW he would have kids with her and telling you he wouldn't have kids with you. It sounds like the only reason you are still around is purely monetary.

[purplesorrow]

No we do not have biological kids together. he has a daughter and so do I. He doesn't want more kids, even though I did (I have since let that go). He told his OW (who is younger) that if they had got together the first time they would have had another kid, but with me it was no more kids period, no discussion, he just didn't wan them. I mean he is a good person in general, he treats my child like his own. And I am not that financially secure right now. he makes alot more money than me.

 

Girl, move in with your momma, your auntie, your grannie, your sister or friend. Just get out. That is not love from him. No one should have to live like that.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Thank you. I don't want to tell him about the access I have yet because I want to know what he is TRULY doing and if it matches his words. I feel like if he knew, he would limit my access or act in a fake way because he knows I can see.

 

Which is an answer in and of itself though.

 

I'm just saying that you can't rebuild from a lie by telling him another lie. Either he doesn't keep his word, and you'll know, or he will and you'll tell him you know he has because you've been spying on him. He will see that ad a betrayal of trust which shows you didn't really work to try and truse him, you just spied on him.

 

I get this is no way to live, I was feeling better and going to stop but lo and behold here goes his little OW, sending out stupid messages he jumps at. She didn't even care to ask how he was doing or nothing. Some friend.

 

... So you're upset she didn't reach out with something more meaty or feelings-filled? For all we know she sent a mass PM to the people in her FB and he got it (how can she send him messages on FB anyway? Either they're still linked or he has his PM set so he can get messages from people besides friends...). You can't be upset she reached out, but then be upset that she didn't feel out his personal situation and that makes her a crap friend.

[confusedwifey81]

Doesn't really matter why. Just that he is. And most importantly, she comes before you. She shouldn't know anything about YOUR marriage. How do you really feel about your situation?

 

I want to try and see if we can work this out. Yes i was upset that he told her stuff. He told her i wanted more kids, he told her all about the times he cheated on me, how he cheated right before our marriage, how I couldn't get over it, that I was unhappy and wanted to leave. He even told her how I wanted to stay at home and have him leave but that he was not going to pay for an apartment AND the mortage, told her I couldn't afford the mortage and told her I didn't have the best job (She's a 20-something year old nurse with a great career).

 

he also told her that I had been texting him about how sad I was and how he thought I just wanted to move back to his nice house because I cramped in an apartment with my sisters. he didn't really want me to come home so He told her that he might let me move into his dad's house(dad is out of country on business for awhile) but that he would charge me rent??? His dad's house is paid off, he knows my finaincial sitution and I am his wife! I couldn't believe he said that. But I am trying to move past this. I know men in affairs say all kinds of crazy things.

[purplesorrow]

I want to try and see if we can work this out. Yes i was upset that he told her stuff. He told her i wanted more kids, he told her all about the times he cheated on me, how he cheated right before our marriage, how I couldn't get over it, that I was unhappy and wanted to leave. He even told her how I wanted to stay at home and have him leave but that he was not going to pay for an apartment AND the mortage, told her I couldn't afford the mortage and told her I didn't have the best job (She's a 20-something year old nurse with a great career).

 

he also told her that I had been texting him about how sad I was and how he thought I just wanted to move back to his nice house because I cramped in an apartment with my sisters. he didn't really want me to come home so He told her that he might let me move into his dad's house(dad is out of country on business for awhile) but that he would charge me rent??? His dad's house is paid off, he knows my finaincial sitution and I am his wife! I couldn't believe he said that. But I am trying to move past this. I know men in affairs say all kinds of crazy things.

 

You're trying, but is he?

[jm2013]

I want to try and see if we can work this out. Yes i was upset that he told her stuff. He told her i wanted more kids, he told her all about the times he cheated on me, how he cheated right before our marriage, how I couldn't get over it, that I was unhappy and wanted to leave. He even told her how I wanted to stay at home and have him leave but that he was not going to pay for an apartment AND the mortage, told her I couldn't afford the mortage and told her I didn't have the best job (She's a 20-something year old nurse with a great career).

 

he also told her that I had been texting him about how sad I was and how he thought I just wanted to move back to his nice house because I cramped in an apartment with my sisters. he didn't really want me to come home so He told her that he might let me move into his dad's house(dad is out of country on business for awhile) but that he would charge me rent??? His dad's house is paid off, he knows my finaincial sitution and I am his wife! I couldn't believe he said that. But I am trying to move past this. I know men in affairs say all kinds of crazy things.

 

Listen, this brings crazy to a new level. Why on earth would somebody tell the person they're courting they've cheated on their spouse? You'd think this would be a complete turn off even in a non affair scenario. Who does that? Who would be attracted to it? It sounds like your husband makes a decent amount of money and runs with it. Women chase money so it doesn't matter how much of a you know what he is he'll always have women desiring a better life that can be provided for monetarily. It sounds so self centered and disgusting.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Just read the rest of it... He has her on the back burner so he can go back to her either when your marriage ends or when you stop watching him. That is why she reaches out, it is why he responds. You clearly don't trust him and have no desire to even try to... Which is fine and not undeserved, but it does mean that by the actions of both of you, the end will come sooner rather than later.

 

I'd cut my loses now. He hasn't actually really left her and has no desire to.

[confusedwifey81]

So what is it? He's not attracted to you? He feels superior that he makes more money than you? Why does he view you as such a liability not to have biological children with you? Something isn't right if he's telling his OW he would have kids with her and telling you he wouldn't have kids with you. It sounds like the only reason you are still around is purely monetary.

 

He has always said from the beginning that he doesn't want more kids. He has said that to her as well when they first met and started talking 4 years ago but she was soooo young at the time (maybe 20) I doubt he would have taken that option away from her. So he told her 4 years ago he didn't want more kids but then recently over the summer told her, that if they had stayed together they would have had another kid. So I take that as him saying, if he got her pregnant no big deal. But with me, it was off top NO GO. Offer not on the table. He has never joked with me about having kids. He also told her that I can't afford another child and that he would be rearing the kid financially and that some women just want a kid and don't think about the work to take care of it. He told her 4 years ago, that he does not want a woman he has to support. Well I am just a cashier.

 

The bolded I'm confused on, why is he keeping me for monetary reasons when he makes alot more than me??

[Artie Lang]

although you come on here for advice, all i see are excuses for you NOT to drop the hammer on his a$$ for the continued disrespect he is showing you.

 

 

what more do you possibly need, than him saying he has right to continue to communicate with this woman???

[confusedwifey81]

Which is an answer in and of itself though.

 

I'm just saying that you can't rebuild from a lie by telling him another lie. Either he doesn't keep his word, and you'll know, or he will and you'll tell him you know he has because you've been spying on him. He will see that ad a betrayal of trust which shows you didn't really work to try and truse him, you just spied on him.

 

 

 

... So you're upset she didn't reach out with something more meaty or feelings-filled? For all we know she sent a mass PM to the people in her FB and he got it (how can she send him messages on FB anyway? Either they're still linked or he has his PM set so he can get messages from people besides friends...). You can't be upset she reached out, but then be upset that she didn't feel out his personal situation and that makes her a crap friend.

 

No I am trying to say, he didn't have to be so quick to repsond to her generic message. It's not like she asked him how he was ro showed any caring. It's like she threw him a crumb and he just jumped on it.

[confusedwifey81]

You're trying, but is he?

 

Yes I thought so. There has been zip commnuication from between them until yesterday.

[jm2013]

 

The bolded I'm confused on, why is he keeping me for monetary reasons when he makes alot more than me??

 

Meaning - Is the only reason you went back to him is because he supports you monetarily? Is that what is hard to leave? A house, security and the American Dream he's providing you? Surely it can't be love at this point. There's too much disrespect happening from the infancy of your relationship/marriage. It's like he has learned he can continually disrespect you knowing you'll always come back. Like he has you pinned in the corner because he knows you can't provide for yourself as much and will use and abuse that as long as he can get away with it. You deserve such a better life in my opinion.

[confusedwifey81]

Listen, this brings crazy to a new level. Why on earth would somebody tell the person they're courting they've cheated on their spouse? You'd think this would be a complete turn off even in a non affair scenario. Who does that? Who would be attracted to it? It sounds like your husband makes a decent amount of money and runs with it. Women chase money so it doesn't matter how much of a you know what he is he'll always have women desiring a better life that can be provided for monetarily. It sounds so self centered and disgusting.

 

Oh she was upset by it. Starting questioning him and she asked him some real good questions to. She asked he what he learned from cheating and what he did to make it right. She questioned him why he didn't do MC or IC. I read the messages between them in detail. Apparently he wanted to be up front and honest with her, they talked about it in person but then discussed some more in detail via messages. He apparently was very hot and sweaty when he told her all this (he ONLY gets hot and sweaty when he is nervous). He wanted to be honest with her about the mistakes he had made. She stated that if he did it to me then he could do it to her. He got hurt and said he shouldn't have told her, he doesn't want her to feel that way.

[CarrieT]

No I am trying to say, he didn't have to be so quick to repsond to her generic message. It's not like she asked him how he was ro showed any caring. It's like she threw him a crumb and he just jumped on it.

 

Because it is NOT just a generic message. It is still open contact when it is supposed to be NO CONTACT.

 

This means he is still entertaining thoughts of her and as long as that happens, you will never have him 100% like you want and/or need.

 

I'm not sure why you are so reticent to not call him on it and bring this to a head once and for all.

[sandylee1]

Thanks for your reply. It makes me mad that all she has to do is send him a stupid, generic message and he jumped to respond! I mean the message wasn't necessarily a message that needed replying, she didn't ask him anything.

 

I am just trying to understand his mind frame when it comes to her. He could have said nothing , or he could have said "Thx. You too". But noooo he has to act all excited "Hey happy new year to you too! Hope it was a good one"

 

I don't like that she can send a stupid message and undo all these weeks of NC. No doubt he is at least thinking about her now. I looked at her page and she has a new pic up and she looks really pretty .

 

According to their messages when he first told her he was going to work on our marriage, it was very obvious he didn't want to let her go and made it known he was not happy with the decision. He also mentioned something about not knowing if it would even work between us again.

 

Hi

 

So sorry for your pain.

 

You really need to make your H see what he has to loose if you file for D. Have you had MC at all?

 

Unless he sees the consequences of his actions He's really not going to change. Has he written a NC letter or email? I know many OW'S say it's meaningless, but your H really has to want to send it and cut all ties with the ow.

 

You need to lay down the rules and make it clear what you will not tolerate. So how about saying 'if you contact her I'm filing for D' .You have to mean it though. If you can't say it and mean it, don't say it. You have to be prepared to loose your marriage to save it.

 

Is he truly remorseful?

 

Does he think anything is missing in your marriage that makes him cheat?

 

 

Bottom line. ........get tough and don't put up with it. Have you ever asked him what he'd do if you cheated on him?

[katielee]

 

He won't block her FB. After I reached out and contacted her a few times, she got nervous and asked him to delete her phone # but he flat out refused. Told her he would never let me get her number but that he was not going to delete it.

 

He told her, AFTER recommiting to me and our marriage, that she can still call him to talk, or if she needs anything. He never told her NC, even though he knows thats what I want.

 

.

 

why are you putting up with all this? You've just written about 4 sentences where each one should be a dealbreaker.

[Bartlett67]

You clearly are going to keep tolerating the abuse. He hasn't told her to get lost because he doesn't want her to. You don't have the guts to draw a line, so he needn't choose. How convenient for him.

[Redheaded Mistress]

No I am trying to say, he didn't have to be so quick to repsond to her generic message. It's not like she asked him how he was ro showed any caring. It's like she threw him a crumb and he just jumped on it.

 

Because he has chosen her, not your marriage. If what you say is true, he keeps you on because he doesn't think you can care for yourself and he thinks you're more expensive to divorce than fake a marriage with.

 

The day he realizes he can leave and not be financially responsible for you and your living, which he won't be, he will go.

[Rainbowlove]

Because he has chosen her, not your marriage. If what you say is true, he keeps you on because he doesn't think you can care for yourself and he thinks you're more expensive to divorce than fake a marriage with.

 

The day he realizes he can leave and not be financially responsible for you and your living, which he won't be, he will go.

 

Man, that thought even made me sick.

[Bartlett67]

Because he has chosen her, not your marriage. If what you say is true, he keeps you on because he doesn't think you can care for yourself and he thinks you're more expensive to divorce than fake a marriage with.

 

The day he realizes he can leave and not be financially responsible for you and your living, which he won't be, he will go.

 

Exactly. He has zero respect for you. He's still in the affair and has no intention of ending it. Wake up.

[sandylee1]

No we do not have biological kids together. he has a daughter and so do I. He doesn't want more kids, even though I did (I have since let that go). He told his OW (who is younger) that if they had got together the first time they would have had another kid, but with me it was no more kids period, no discussion, he just didn't wan them. I mean he is a good person in general, he treats my child like his own. And I am not that financially secure right now. he makes alot more money than me.

 

 

What about spousal support? Even if you divorced, you should not be out of pocket. Best to consult with an attorney and see how your assets would be split.

[Bartlett67]

What about spousal support? Even if you divorced, you should not be out of pocket. Best to consult with an attorney and see how your assets would be split.

 

That depends upon the state.

[sandylee1]

I want to try and see if we can work this out. Yes i was upset that he told her stuff. He told her i wanted more kids, he told her all about the times he cheated on me, how he cheated right before our marriage, how I couldn't get over it, that I was unhappy and wanted to leave. He even told her how I wanted to stay at home and have him leave but that he was not going to pay for an apartment AND the mortage, told her I couldn't afford the mortage and told her I didn't have the best job (She's a 20-something year old nurse with a great career).

 

he also told her that I had been texting him about how sad I was and how he thought I just wanted to move back to his nice house because I cramped in an apartment with my sisters. he didn't really want me to come home so He told her that he might let me move into his dad's house(dad is out of country on business for awhile) but that he would charge me rent??? His dad's house is paid off, he knows my finaincial sitution and I am his wife! I couldn't believe he said that. But I am trying to move past this. I know men in affairs say all kinds of crazy things.

 

I really hate say this but wtf. He said all this to her? ??

 

Unless you

 

-pick yourself up

-detach from him emotionally (do the 180)

-make him wake up and smell the coffee

 

You really have little to no chance of making this marriage work.

 

Both parties need to want the marriage and he doesn't. His actions don't show it at all.

 

You need to show him you'll be just fine without him and are not codependant. That's not an attractive quality. He's disrespectful and YOU are allowing it.

 

He won't block her on fb

He won't delete her number

He tells you to leave her alone

 

Please get the gumption to stand up for yourself and walk away. However, while you're still there, do something for yourself. Like get new a hairdo, go to the spa go on a girls night out. Do things to make yourself feel better and act like you don't give a damn about him.

 

If he asks why, you tell him that he's disrespectful to you and all the above. You need to protect yourself emotionally and detaching will help do that.