Author confusedwifey81 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 So he is choosing her well-being over yours. Doesn't sound like he cares much about your feelings at all. Yes when we decided to make it work, I told him I wanted to talk to her because I didn't believe they were just friends. Of course he got defensive, told me this was between us and leave her out of it. I threatened to find her, so he deleted her Facebook and then blew her phone up so he could explain why. He told her he was trying to keep her away from my drama and I didn't help myself by stalking her page so she probably thinks I'm crazy and won't talk to me. He does care. He told her he was choosing our marriage basically. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedwifey81 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 Because he has chosen her, not your marriage. If what you say is true, he keeps you on because he doesn't think you can care for yourself and he thinks you're more expensive to divorce than fake a marriage with. The day he realizes he can leave and not be financially responsible for you and your living, which he won't be, he will go. I don't think he chose her. He told her that things couldn't be the same between but that they were still friends. He told her he has to try with me, especially for our kids (my daughter has had a terrible time adjusting when I moved us out and he is like a dad to her so it hurt him to see her like that). He would tell his OW that he was hurt to see his family breaking apart. He once told her that he wishes he could win the lottery and then give me half and then tell me have a nice life but I think that was just one of the crazy things being said. I don't think he meant, he hasn't left me yet and he does care if I can support myself and my daughter, he really cares about my daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 That depends upon the state. Hence I said consult with an attorney. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedwifey81 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 Forgot to add... Once in NOV she asked if he was able to talk later and he told her he didn't know if he would be able to. I know he never called her. She stopped talking to him for 7 weeks after that until yesterday. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedwifey81 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 Exactly. He has zero respect for you. He's still in the affair and has no intention of ending it. Wake up. But how is he still in the affair and they have had zero contact for almost 60 days? Do you mean like in his mind he hasn't let her go? I thought it took actual communication to have an affair? Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 I don't think he chose her. He told her that things couldn't be the same between but that they were still friends. He told her he has to try with me, especially for our kids (my daughter has had a terrible time adjusting when I moved us out and he is like a dad to her so it hurt him to see her like that). He would tell his OW that he was hurt to see his family breaking apart. He once told her that he wishes he could win the lottery and then give me half and then tell me have a nice life but I think that was just one of the crazy things being said. I don't think he meant, he hasn't left me yet and he does care if I can support myself and my daughter, he really cares about my daughter. Back to the money. He feels sorry for you, because you can't see support yourself. You keep deluding yourself that these are crazy things he's saying. Why ??? Plus he cares for your daughter. Do you want someone with you out of pity? Because it sounds like that to me. What has he done (apart from stay) to show you he is committed to you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedwifey81 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 Back to the money. He feels sorry for you, because you can't see support yourself. You keep deluding yourself that these are crazy things he's saying. Why ??? Plus he cares for your daughter. Do you want someone with you out of pity? Because it sounds like that to me. What has he done (apart from stay) to show you he is committed to you? I'm trying not to get completely hung up on the things he said to her. He could have been lying to her or not serious. He has suggested going to IC for himself and MC for us. The only thing I really wanted was for him to just leave her alone, which he did. He told her when she asked why we didn't do MC when he cheated 2 weeks prior to our wedding, he said it was a waste of money and if I couldn't trust him, I just couldn't and MC wouldn't help that. Now at least he is thinking about it. Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 I don't think he chose her. He told her that things couldn't be the same between but that they were still friends. He has chosen her though. You laid down ground rules and no contact was one of them. He continues contact with her, disregarding any feelings you have on the matter. You drew your line in the sand and he stepped over it. So what now? What do you plan to do about it? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 Man, that thought even made me sick. I agree... A guy in an affair saying stuff like thathat to his mistress... It's messed up. He made really clear by what he said that is what he's doing a d how he feels. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 I'm trying not to get completely hung up on the things he said to her. He could have been lying to her or not serious. He has suggested going to IC for himself and MC for us. The only thing I really wanted was for him to just leave her alone, which he did. He told her when she asked why we didn't do MC when he cheated 2 weeks prior to our wedding, he said it was a waste of money and if I couldn't trust him, I just couldn't and MC wouldn't help that. Now at least he is thinking about it. Does he know that you are aware of the things he said to her? If so...could you ask why he said these things? I understand you don't want to get hung up on them, because honestly if you did, you would probably walk. He really needs to understand that him refusing delete her from fb etc IS a problem for you and he's not making you feel safe. Maybe you can raise these issues in MC. That is a safe place and you'll have a neutral party there. Any MC worth a dime will emphasise the importance of NC. Maybe then things will become clearer to your H. I hope you don't think I'm being harsh on you. I just want to help you to see clearer. I can't envisage myself feeling committed to the marriage if my H acted this way. Not the cheating but the refusal to go 100% NC. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedwifey81 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 I agree... A guy in an affair saying stuff like thathat to his mistress... It's messed up. He made really clear by what he said that is what he's doing a d how he feels. I get what you mean and I don't like it at all. But isn't that what most of these MM in affairs do? I don't get why what he is said so terrible compared to what other MM say all the time Link to post Share on other sites
travelbug1996 Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 He doesn't seem to value the marriage enough to let this person go. My heart breaks for you since you have to believe you deserve the best and this is not it. It would hurt me deeply to know I can't trust the person I sleep with. He is not worth losing your self love, respect, or esteem. The time you spend on this situation will probably be in vain. So sorry you're going through this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 I don't think he chose her. He told her that things couldn't be the same between but that they were still friends. He told her he has to try with me, especially for our kids (my daughter has had a terrible time adjusting when I moved us out and he is like a dad to her so it hurt him to see her like that). He would tell his OW that he was hurt to see his family breaking apart. But if he chose you, he wouldn't be insisting on contact with her still, no matter how begingn he claims be cacause it's hurtful to you. He would have her blocked on FB. He would honor the NC. You wouldn't feel the need to dig because you'd trust he was being sincere and honest. Choosing to not hurt the kids is not the same as choosing to be married and making it work. He is choosing them and her, not you. Soon, even they won't be enough of a reason to stay, especially as your daughter isn't his. If he was choosing you, he wouldn't have said what he said about you to her, he would have cut her loose, and he would have blocked her. He once told her that he wishes he could win the lottery and then give me half and then tell me have a nice life but I think that was just one of the crazy things being said. I don't think he meant, he hasn't left me yet and he does care if I can support myself and my daughter, he really cares about my daughter. He cares about her, you are confusing that with his caring about you. A child can't save a marriage and no child should have to shoulder that responsibility. He hasn't left you yet because, as you say, he feels financially obligated and feels you can't make it alone. When he believes he can and/or realizes he can make it out without paying child support or alimony or giving up assets, you are in danger. There will be a point where he will resent staying because he perceives you financially helpless and/or he doesn't care about your financial state because he feels no loyalty or attachment to you anymore and couldn't care less about where you go or what you do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedwifey81 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 He has chosen her though. You laid down ground rules and no contact was one of them. He continues contact with her, disregarding any feelings you have on the matter. You drew your line in the sand and he stepped over it. So what now? What do you plan to do about it? He only contacts her if she contacts him first so if she would stop intiating then he wouldn't talk to her. I plan to see if they start this up again. One of my questions was if I was blowing this out of proportion because it was just simple message. It's not like she confessed her feelings or asked to see him or meet up. And he didnt either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedwifey81 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 Does he know that you are aware of the things he said to her? If so...could you ask why he said these things? I understand you don't want to get hung up on them, because honestly if you did, you would probably walk. He really needs to understand that him refusing delete her from fb etc IS a problem for you and he's not making you feel safe. Maybe you can raise these issues in MC. That is a safe place and you'll have a neutral party there. Any MC worth a dime will emphasise the importance of NC. Maybe then things will become clearer to your H. I hope you don't think I'm being harsh on you. I just want to help you to see clearer. I can't envisage myself feeling committed to the marriage if my H acted this way. Not the cheating but the refusal to go 100% NC. No you aren't harsh. I don't want to tell him HOW I know until I'm done having all the access I want right now. I think it will be easier to talk about in MC. I want him to go complete NC but I want him to WANT to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 But how is he still in the affair and they have had zero contact for almost 60 days? Do you mean like in his mind he hasn't let her go? I thought it took actual communication to have an affair? In our affair, we had a secret FB and Twitter, plus secret phones. He also sent me emails from a seceret account, I did too. And he called me from work all the time. As a coworker, he could, and his wife had no clue. We have established they done talk on the mediums you can monitor, but not the ones you can't. In truth, if it were me and I knew he wouldn't be at work where he could freely talk or text, I'd know we'd be on reduced contact... So he'd email me something begingn from something like his FB just so we didn't have to be NC. Link to post Share on other sites
travelbug1996 Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 Even if she never contacts him again, he has a proclivity to have affairs, so he could meet another woman that attracts him. I think you're trying to gain some control over a situation where you have absolutely none. He is a man with his own free will to do as he pleases. The energy you spend on this could be spent on a career to financially secure yourself and your daughter. Also remember, your daughter is watching you. She could potentlally pick the same kinds of men as you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 I get what you mean and I don't like it at all. But isn't that what most of these MM in affairs do? I don't get why what he is said so terrible compared to what other MM say all the time Men in affairs say things about their wives, but this level of cruel disclosure is out of the ordinary and highlights an alarming level of contempt. My MM never said anything approaching half as awful of what your husband told his OW about you. But even if it was a lie... Honestly, that makes it worse. It means he's almost sociopathic in his need to hurt. The fact he could say that sort of thing about his wife and have it not be true still is a supreme level of contempt and disgust that is more than a little alarming. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 He only contacts her if she contacts him first so if she would stop intiating then he wouldn't talk to her. I plan to see if they start this up again. One of my questions was if I was blowing this out of proportion because it was just simple message. It's not like she confessed her feelings or asked to see him or meet up. And he didnt either. No contact means zero contact. She can send him ten thousand messages, he is not to respond. He is breaking his promise to you and continuing to disregard your feelings. You plan to see if they start up again? So you will sit idly by while he dictates the terms? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 He only contacts her if she contacts him first so if she would stop intiating then he wouldn't talk to her. I plan to see if they start this up again. One of my questions was if I was blowing this out of proportion because it was just simple message. It's not like she confessed her feelings or asked to see him or meet up. And he didnt either. I think the general agreement is not only is this serious, you're not handling it or seeing it for how serious it truly is. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedwifey81 Posted January 3, 2015 Author Share Posted January 3, 2015 No contact means zero contact. She can send him ten thousand messages, he is not to respond. He is breaking his promise to you and continuing to disregard your feelings. You plan to see if they start up again? So you will sit idly by while he dictates the terms? No as soon as it's something more than a happy new year I will tell him about the access I have and what I have seen Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 It already is something more than "Happy New Year." You see it for what it says on the face, to then it is way more. If it was just HNY, he would have told you and not deleted it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 No as soon as it's something more than a happy new year I will tell him about the access I have and what I have seen So your demanding no contact really meant it is okay to continue contact with her as long as it is just a greeting? You asked for no contact and he has refused to abide by that. Why do you keep moving that line in the sand? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Red123 Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 No as soon as it's something more than a happy new year I will tell him about the access I have and what I have seen IME, any contact from the OW is reaching out. After my H sent the NC letter the MOW tried to reach out twice. In one instance it was a plea and the next would appear more innocent, asking to clear the air between them. In both instances it was sent to his work email, which I only have access to when he shows me. He forwarded the emails to me. When we decided to R, he was aware of my deal breakers going forward. There is no need for any contact between former APs if one is working on returning to their M. I see that you are trying to collect some information but you already have enough to see that he has broken NC and doesn't seem to think its a problem. You can handle this anyway you want but you stated that you wanted him to want NC, not just do it for you, he's already shown that he is not doing it. I hope you do what's best for you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 He enjoys the attention of his (former?) sexual partner. Isn't that kind of obvious...? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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