Author confusedwifey81 Posted January 3, 2015 Author Share Posted January 3, 2015 He enjoys the attention of his (former?) sexual partner. Isn't that kind of obvious...? They didn't have sex. They both confirmed it many times in their messages. He wanted to but he seemed fine without it. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 Update on my story. So for awhile My H and his OW have had NC for several weeks now. I still have access to my H's FB and messages so I do know that they have been NC. At least until she broke it yesterday afternoon to tell him "Happy new year. Hope all is well". He wrote her right back saying "Hey happy new year to you too, hope it was a good one". I just don't get why he doesn't tell her F off, stop contacting him? And it seems like he jumps to respond to her messages. Now he has not used the messenger app since they stopped talking but he re-downloaded it yesterday, she never responded to his message so he deleted it again. I am blowing this out of portion? I AM NOT going to confront my H, he does not know that I have access to FB and stuff and until I can fully trust him again, I don't want him to know. I know this is no way to live but that is not what my thread is about. I want to know why he won't tell her to go away and is so quick to respond to her. He won't initate the contact but if she makes contact, he jumps at it to reply. Some people he never replies to, or takes his time but with her, like I said, he jumps at the oppurtunity to reply...whats up with this?? No one can speak for your husband but the writing is on the wall there. He doesn't tell her to F off because he doesn't want to. He DOES jump at the opportunity to respond to her because he DOES want to do that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedwifey81 Posted January 3, 2015 Author Share Posted January 3, 2015 So your demanding no contact really meant it is okay to continue contact with her as long as it is just a greeting? You asked for no contact and he has refused to abide by that. Why do you keep moving that line in the sand? I'm not. I just want to see more evidence he isn't taking us serious NOW. All those messages are over 2 months ago when things were still fresh and during our separation. So it's kinda old now. I can see him telling me I'm making a big deal out a NYE greeting. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 They didn't have sex. They both confirmed it many times in their messages. He wanted to but he seemed fine without it. He wanted to? Oh, look at the clock, it's time to leave. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 Well he always told her he still wanted to talk from time to time even after recommiting to our marriage but she didn't take him up on it. Honestly, I think this is what they will be doing. Keeping in sporatic contact with "Hope you are well's". The purpose of this is to keep the line open and to say I don't hate you, we are on good terms, even though we are not involved anymore. If I were you, I would just monitor it. If he reaches out to her even once with more than a generic well wish or hello, then dump him. Link to post Share on other sites
Red123 Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 Honestly, I think this is what they will be doing. Keeping in sporatic contact with "Hope you are well's". The purpose of this is to keep the line open and to say I don't hate you, we are on good terms, even though we are not involved anymore. If I were you, I would just monitor it. If he reaches out to her even once with more than a generic well wish or hello, then dump him. I agree with your statement about keeping the lines open. I wouldn't continue to monitor, even just a hi is not ok if you are reconciling. It is a lot of work to keep tabs on him, is this really how you want to live? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 You're placing blame on the OW but judging from what you've written, she is the reason your WH is behaving. If she allowed an affair he would fly over to her in a second. Stop obsessing over her and work towards financial independence. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain2014 Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 I don't think he chose her. He told her that things couldn't be the same between but that they were still friends. He told her he has to try with me, especially for our kids (my daughter has had a terrible time adjusting when I moved us out and he is like a dad to her so it hurt him to see her like that). He would tell his OW that he was hurt to see his family breaking apart. He once told her that he wishes he could win the lottery and then give me half and then tell me have a nice life but I think that was just one of the crazy things being said. I don't think he meant, he hasn't left me yet and he does care if I can support myself and my daughter, he really cares about my daughter. To be clear, it's not about him choosing you or the the OW. It's painfully obvious he's chosen himself. He isn't making either of you a priority. Sadly what you and the OW truly have in common is tolerating his selfishness by focusing on who he supposedly wants. He wants the path of least resistance that costs him the least amount of money and trouble. None of this is about love. Divorce him. Take the control away from him. Once you're out of the craziness of living with someone you can't trust, you'll see all of this much clearer. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jezzika Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 You are underestimating the mind of a man. Just because the accounts you can see are showing no contact does not mean there is no contact. Secret accounts are easily established and well-hidden. I've been there and know exactly how it works and exactly what is done to make the wife feel comfortable in thinking there is no contact any longer...just to keep her off his back while he figures out how to get out. If they ever suspected you of monitoring the accounts, they could say anything to throw you off the trail. It's so easy to do. You are living within a marriage that has no trust at all and very little honesty. While I get that he's a cheater and you may feel justified, your very extensive privacy invasion is off the hook. You will never have complete trust in him ever again, obviously; so, why not move on, get in touch with yourself again, gain financial freedom and eventually find a man that you can trust completely? Any real relationship has got to have absolute trust, honesty and respect and I'm not seeing any of that from what you have posted. It also seems that the fact that he makes the money in the relationship, supports you and your child and provides pretty much everything outweighs your love for him. If you do truly love him and are IN love with him, my apologies...but it seems pretty clear that he is not deeply in love with you. So, why stay? Move on and let him go. In the end, it will be better for you along with your child. The first step you need to take is to quit monitoring him. It will be a bit of weight off of your shoulders and will help you see things a bit more clearly in regards to what you need to do. I wish you the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 If they did not have sex before, that makes things worse because your H will continue chasing his love/OW for emotional connection and physical connection. Net, you are losing here, you just need to suck it up that your Husband is having long term affair in your whole life if you stays in the marriage. Just accept it, it is not some new news that a man has OW he loves while having a doormat wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 Confused I know it feels better they never slept together, but he WANTED to. I think that's what you need to focus on. Your H wanted to sleep with another woman and he would have if she allowed it. I can tell you don't feel safe in this marriage and I wouldn't if I were you. I'm not sure if you have easy access to money in this marriage, but consider opening an account in your name and putting money there for your security and that of your daughter. In law, if you have joint savings accounts, half of that should be yours. Can I ask if your H is generous with money? Does he monitor your spending? Another tough one........have you asked him if he really loves you? A response of 'well I stayed didn't I ' Is not good enough. Unless of course you are okay with that. Write down some questions you'd feel safer asking in MC. Write down how you feel. He really needs to understand that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dragon_fly_7 Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 (edited) Wow I don't know what else to suggest. You married a cheater that gave you an STD and he's still cheating (as expected) as well as disrespecting the whole marriage? Why would you want someone that treats you poorly instead of a faithful man that won't even dream about replacing you for anyone??? Secretly do you think low of yourself and feel you have to settle for less? I break up for less than what you've written in this and your other threads; being totally disrespectful would be one reason. Cheating would be an absolute deal-breaker. Edited January 3, 2015 by dragon_fly_7 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 They didn't have sex. They both confirmed it many times in their messages. He wanted to but he seemed fine without it. Would he be okay if you wanted sex with another man? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Some slip ups are gonna happen, and unfortunately in the process it's gonna hurt and piss you off. Most who go through this, have a bit of grace period. Not saying this bit of contact is serious and will lead to the A starting up again but it does show that he isn't trying as hard as he should be to let go of her and detach. He must keep her blocked from now on. He unblocked her and immediately he heard from her which means she is actively looking for him to contact him and that's not good so blocking has to be it. What you can do is say to him "Is there anything you need to tell me? I just have a strong feeling that you're hiding something from me, you're giving off a certain vibe and it feels unsettling." And see what he says, if he comes clean, tells you about the recent contact. Your other option is, tell him that you just don't trust him and it's best he move out for a while so you can think and he can have time to figure out for sure if he wants to reinvest 100 percent back into you and the marriage, be sure he is ready to do everything required to gain your trust back. Put it on him, he is the one who hasn't proved himself to you yet. And him not letting you know about the recent contact is proof of it. He probably is scared to tell you, scared to hurt you but what he doesn't realize by NOT telling you is showing you that he is still not trustworthy and would rather keep things from you instead of facing consequences and your reactions. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Gigigirl Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Some slip ups are gonna happen, and unfortunately in the process it's gonna hurt and piss you off. Most who go through this, have a bit of grace period. Not saying this bit of contact is serious and will lead to the A starting up again but it does show that he isn't trying as hard as he should be to let go of her and detach. He must keep her blocked from now on. He unblocked her and immediately he heard from her which means she is actively looking for him to contact him and that's not good so blocking has to be it. What you can do is say to him "Is there anything you need to tell me? I just have a strong feeling that you're hiding something from me, you're giving off a certain vibe and it feels unsettling." And see what he says, if he comes clean, tells you about the recent contact. Your other option is, tell him that you just don't trust him and it's best he move out for a while so you can think and he can have time to figure out for sure if he wants to reinvest 100 percent back into you and the marriage, be sure he is ready to do everything required to gain your trust back. Put it on him, he is the one who hasn't proved himself to you yet. And him not letting you know about the recent contact is proof of it. He probably is scared to tell you, scared to hurt you but what he doesn't realize by NOT telling you is showing you that he is still not trustworthy and would rather keep things from you instead of facing consequences and your reactions. Are we reading the same story? From what I read, the H never had his OW blocked on facebook at any point and refused too. She hadn't reached out to him in weeks but as soon as she did, confusedwifey's H jumped on the opportunity to respond. I also read that the H refused to delete the OW number even after the OW requested him to delete it. The H also told the OW that contact was still welcome even though they were working on their marriage. None of the above counts as a slip back. And it doesn't look like the OW is actively seeking anything as the H is still open to it by never blocking her in the first place. I don't like it when people always make it seem like the OW is always doing something. It's his fault this is still going on, not hers. I might be inclined to think this was a "slip up" if Confusedwifey never read with her own eyes all the attempts her husband made to keep contact open with this OW after deciding to recommit and work on their marriage. I wish I could offer some advice, but some really great advice has already been given. Please take care of yourself. Stories of disrespect to this level just blow me away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 It's hard to make changes in our lives, when we are not ready to admit we need to. Right now, I think you still have hope he's going to return to the marriage. He may, but is it for the right reason? Speak to an attorney to find out about assets. Get yourself financially strong. Don't put yours and your daughter's dependence on what he's doing with his life. That's no way to live. Open your eyes more and take some action to better your situation. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Are we reading the same story? From what I read, the H never had his OW blocked on facebook at any point and refused too. She hadn't reached out to him in weeks but as soon as she did, confusedwifey's H jumped on the opportunity to respond. I also read that the H refused to delete the OW number even after the OW requested him to delete it. The H also told the OW that contact was still welcome even though they were working on their marriage. None of the above counts as a slip back. And it doesn't look like the OW is actively seeking anything as the H is still open to it by never blocking her in the first place. I don't like it when people always make it seem like the OW is always doing something. It's his fault this is still going on, not hers. I might be inclined to think this was a "slip up" if Confusedwifey never read with her own eyes all the attempts her husband made to keep contact open with this OW after deciding to recommit and work on their marriage. I wish I could offer some advice, but some really great advice has already been given. Please take care of yourself. Stories of disrespect to this level just blow me away. Now he has not used the messenger app since they stopped talking but he re-downloaded it yesterday, she never responded to his message so he deleted it again. OP said the above so I went with that bit of info about the contact. He does need a swift kick in the arse though! Straight out of the house until he wakes the F up! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 They didn't have sex. They both confirmed it many times in their messages. He wanted to but he seemed fine without it. Ummmm....yes they did have sex....It's called...DENY DENY DENY till you die..... Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Confusedwife I just read your first post in November. I really feel for you honestly. It seems like getting married was a big mistake. You say you were not sure about being in love with him, well neither would I be sure if my fiance gave me an std before we got married. Your thought process was a bit off in trying to insist your H makes the OW talk to you back then. Your beef is with HIM, not her. He probably told her he was separated at the time. Fast forward to now. You ask why he won't tell her to go away, but he told her to contact him anytime, so why should he tell her to go away. He didn't miss you when you were gone and was doing quite okay. I'm sorry to be pointing out the obvious, but it seems that he may feel the marriage was a mistake. You are still young and you need to get out of this marriage and give yourself a chance to find a good man. Please try and see what is really going on. I have to say, if my H said any of those things even to a male friend, I'd gone. Again, I don't want to sound harsh or make you feel bad. Please check in with us. Take care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gigigirl Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 OP said the above so I went with that bit of info about the contact. He does need a swift kick in the arse though! Straight out of the house until he wakes the F up! From what I gathered, he stopped using the app after they stopped talking, OW messaged him, he re-downloaded the app to respond, when OW did not reply to his response, he then deleted the app again. All without informing his wife...smh. And I believe OP has stated it was HIS house and she had to leave the first time so I'm assuming she would need to do the same this time... Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Ummmm....yes they did have sex....It's called...DENY DENY DENY till you die..... No they didn't. According to the OP, in her other thread the OW refused to sleep with WH until he was divorced. Some people have boundaries. Confusedwife hope you're doing ok and check back in with us. Link to post Share on other sites
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