He's out of my league and I'm drawing a blank

[amaysngrace]

There's this man I know who I think is so much better than me. I'm not looking for anybody to try to stroke my ego here so please don't because I'm realistic. I know he's way out of my league.

 

When he first decided to get divorced he stopped by here and we talked about it. He wasn't handling it very well even though it's his choice because his wife is a serial cheater.

 

He's usually a very solid guy and seeing him so distraught really sucks because he's my friend. It's a very strange dynamic for me because he worked with my sister when she was alive. I bought this house shortly after she died and it turns out that he lives only right around the corner from me and passes by here often and if I'm outside in the yard he'll stop and we talk. In my head it's as though he's been looking out for me in a way. I'm a single mom and he's FBI just like my sister. He's been married for as long as I've known him up until last month.

 

So anyway, he'd stop by since he knew he was getting divorced and I would tell him how great I think he is and that he'll have no problem finding someone so much better than his wife. He's a catch and a half. Really good looking. Intelligent. Physically fit. And successful in his career which is a pretty respectable career. As a divorced woman for nine years I have a fairly good idea of the divorced men pot and this man is way golden. Heck he's better than a lot of never married guys even with the baggage he's carrying now.

 

Anyway, he'd say things like he feels sorry for the first woman he gets hold of because he's going to be so far from wanting a commitment. It's going to be just for sex and he'd have them over to his hot tub and drink under the stars and stuff.

 

So NYE he texts me up. First time ever. He asks me if I want to go grab a drink and he fired up the hot tub. Did he forget he told me his master plan?

 

I told him I was going to my mom's and invited him over. He came and we watched a movie, had a couple drinks and basically sat there watching The Heat with my mom, my sister and her husband. It was weird. I'm not gonna lie.

 

Afterwards I was walking him out and it was time to kiss and that was even more weird. He's my friend. He was always married. He's way out of my league. He told me he is only going to want sex. He's broken right now. Very.

 

So I didn't kiss him bye.

 

But he texted me yesterday and he even stopped texting and called me and we talked for a while.

 

I'm so confused!!!

[anne1707]

Think of what you would tell any other poster here if they posted this story. He's still processing the divorce and is not ready for anything serious and my impression of you is that you don't do "casual". If anything is to happen, it needs to happen slowly so that you can both be sure you are not getting in too deep too soon and also that you can trust each other. It does worry me that he suggested the hot-tub so quickly.

 

And stop being daft woman - there is nothing from what you have posted that makes me think you are not in this man's league and it doesn't look as if he thinks that way either.

[Ruby Slippers]

He warned you. You're smart not to go along with his hot tub plan. But be careful. He can probably pick up on the fact that you think he's so far above you, and it would be very easy for him to use that to his advantage. What I've read on LS is that people need at least 1-2 years after a divorce to be remotely ready for anything real, and it makes sense. If he's interested in more than just hot tub fun with you, he'll approach in the right way at the right time.

[amaysngrace]

Thank you ladies.

 

Last nights conversation was really nice actually. He didn't invite me over or anything but it was just kind of cool to chat with him.

 

He's a really good guy, a gem, and I'm a walking disaster in my own mind. He can do so much better than me but it doesn't mean that I'm okay with just being someone to pass time with or have sex with.

 

I hope he meets somebody soon.

[candie13]

It's very hard to do the right thing, but I will tell you what I think the right thing to do is:

- he is hurting as hell. He needs soothing, and you are already doing this, emotionally

- in his head, he played fair. He told you what he can offer and I absolutely believe that he really does need love and care and attention. To take, not to give.

- the real question here is: what do you want ? Can you handle an affair with him? Do you want an affair ?

 

You need to judge this very coldly and logically, using your brain. If you want to date him, flirt like hell, be around but do NOT sleep with him or get romantically involved. Stay on his radar for a year or so, but do NOT give in.

 

If you become his shoulder to cry on and his trusted friend, when he is ready, if he is ready, you can decide to make a move. Not a moment sooner.

 

Right now, the guy is a wreck. He's kiss and seduce Cruella DeVille if that soothed his pain. He is not thinking straight and you want a man who wants you for himself, not to feel better or to get through a divorce...

 

Sorry, Grace, please stay out of temptation's way, if you can ... It'll burn you alive, otherwise, because he is not in a position to give... Just let pain out ... And it's not fair to you...

 

Big hug, stay strong !

[Art_Critic]

I hope he meets somebody soon.

 

He did.. you

 

Just go slow.. yeah he is going to need time to process out his past life but there is nothing wrong with being there while he does it..

 

My guess is that he will get distant at times and you will feel he is using you only for sex, I kind of did that to a sweet girl 6 months out of my divorce. We talked about it and she was okay with how it shook out..

 

oh.. and stop this league crapola... you can hold yourself with any guy out there, and I know what I'm talking about....

[amaysngrace]

He called again and I was strong. I even told him about my arrest record just to put it out there and still he says if I change my mind and blah blah.

 

He's like a freakin model. I'd be in love by tomorrow. And I'd feel like a sexual predator preying on the weak.

 

Meh.

[Leigh 87]

I hooked up with a man recently who was a very hot guy.

 

You know not to go there. ... it's hollow and not all that enjoyable without any depth.. who wants to feel good enough for sex but not hot enough to date? No thanks.

[amaysngrace]

Okay just got off the phone with him again and I think he's just looking for a friend and I'm like one of the only divorced people he knows or something.

 

Divorce really isn't all that common where we live...most families are married ones...by a lot.

 

So that's kind of suckish...he's talking to me because I'm one of the only divorced people that he knows.

 

Now it all makes sense. I invited him to a party tomorrow night. It'll give him something to do anyway. I told him not to tell anybody what he does for a living too loudly or he'll be freaking a lot of people out cause there will be more stoners there than not stoners.

 

I don't want to be doing this. My divorce is old. This is draining me. I should do him. As like...payment.

[Popsicle]

There's this man I know who I think is so much better than me. I'm not looking for anybody to try to stroke my ego here so please don't because I'm realistic. I know he's way out of my league.

 

When he first decided to get divorced he stopped by here and we talked about it. He wasn't handling it very well even though it's his choice because his wife is a serial cheater.

 

He's usually a very solid guy and seeing him so distraught really sucks because he's my friend. It's a very strange dynamic for me because he worked with my sister when she was alive. I bought this house shortly after she died and it turns out that he lives only right around the corner from me and passes by here often and if I'm outside in the yard he'll stop and we talk. In my head it's as though he's been looking out for me in a way. I'm a single mom and he's FBI just like my sister. He's been married for as long as I've known him up until last month.

 

So anyway, he'd stop by since he knew he was getting divorced and I would tell him how great I think he is and that he'll have no problem finding someone so much better than his wife. He's a catch and a half. Really good looking. Intelligent. Physically fit. And successful in his career which is a pretty respectable career. As a divorced woman for nine years I have a fairly good idea of the divorced men pot and this man is way golden. Heck he's better than a lot of never married guys even with the baggage he's carrying now.

 

Anyway, he'd say things like he feels sorry for the first woman he gets hold of because he's going to be so far from wanting a commitment. It's going to be just for sex and he'd have them over to his hot tub and drink under the stars and stuff.

 

So NYE he texts me up. First time ever. He asks me if I want to go grab a drink and he fired up the hot tub. Did he forget he told me his master plan?

 

I told him I was going to my mom's and invited him over. He came and we watched a movie, had a couple drinks and basically sat there watching The Heat with my mom, my sister and her husband. It was weird. I'm not gonna lie.

 

Afterwards I was walking him out and it was time to kiss and that was even more weird. He's my friend. He was always married. He's way out of my league. He told me he is only going to want sex. He's broken right now. Very.

 

So I didn't kiss him bye.

 

But he texted me yesterday and he even stopped texting and called me and we talked for a while.

 

I'm so confused!!!

 

One of my favorite lines from the movie Jerry Maguire": "Men are just different people when they are hanging onto the bottom rung".

 

I would remind him of what he told you and tell him no if he tries to get fresh and stick to it.

 

It's okay to be his platonic friend though but I, personally, would never be friends with a hot guy. Too much torture. He's a hot guy, I'm sure he'd have an easy time finding another female shoulder to cry on.

Edited January 3, 2015 by Popsicle

[DivorcedDad123]

As a divorced guy, one of the best things for me was having sex after the seperation. He knew what he was doing when he mentioned the hot tub. It was an invite, not forgetfullness on his part. I didn't end up falling for this woman,but she was a gem who will always be special to me. We are still friends and she's met a guy who treats her great.

I wouldn't back away too much if I were you. Some people are DONE as soon as the seperation takes place. Many have checked out of the relationship long before the D word is mentioned.

Why not live life, enjoy the moments, and see what happens, instead of playing it safe most of the time?

[Rejected Rosebud]

I think that he's too fresh out of his divorce and probably emotionally messed up right now to be a good relationship prospect for you but NOT because he is "out of your league"!! I am not saying this to make you feel good. I believe that you should NEVER let theories like leagues stand in your way from going for what you want, if everybody did that there would be no movie stars or people putting terrible things behind them, because the odds are not in their favor for success! That said though you might get your heart broken a little bit because you like him so much and I don't think he can be ready right now. I would just get to know him and spend some time and see where things go, but the league stuff, just stop!! :bunny:

[oldshirt]

I'm not trying to be mean, I'm on your side but I think you are being a pussy.

 

 

What do you want, a signed notarized affidavit from congress that everything is going to be perfect and work just the way you want it forever and ever before you even try?

 

 

I am a middle aged man so let me decipher a little man-code for ya. This guy is interested. He likes you. He's attracted to you. He's comfortable with you.

 

 

Otherwise he wouldn't talk to you, wouldn't flirt with you, wouldn't talk smack with you, wouldn't hang out at your mothers and wouldn't come back after getting stiff-armed after your movie date.

 

 

Let's look at this realistically, you aren't a fragile-hearted, inexperienced, naïve, virginal 16 year old girl getting hustled by some rich, handsome, charming college frat rat getting her drunk and promising her the world until he cums.

 

 

You are a grown, educated, adult woman who has been married and divorced and know how the world works. And he is a grown, educated, experienced, previously married adult man. You are both in charge of your own sexualities and know your own interests, agendas and boundaries.

 

 

You also already have a rapport and a level of friendship, attraction and comfort with each other.

 

 

Sure, he can't guarantee that you two are going to ride off into the sunset together forever, you haven't even dated yet. neither of you can make that guarantee. There are no guarentees. That's what dating is for - to get to know each other and see if you really are a match or not.

 

 

Yes his hot tub comment was a little crude but you two already have a rapport. It's not like you are someone he just met in a pick-up bar. The absolute worst that could happen here is that you are FWBs for awhile until one of you decides it's not going to go anything further.

 

 

My suggestion is to ask him what his favorite wine is then buy a couple bottles and ask him if the hot tub offer is still open.

[Ruby Slippers]

With all due respect, oldshirt, no woman wants to be a guy's hot tub entertainment for the short term unless she's desperate, or truly just looking for meaningless sex with a hot guy. Everything she wrote here tells me the OP would eventually feel like crap if she went along with this guy's agenda. If he's genuinely interested, he'll make a genuine approach.

[todreaminblue]

hey amay,i know you dont want to hear it so thats why i am going to say it anyway......he isnt out of your league...leagues to me are pedestals...and men are men to me anyway.....they burp they fart..no matter the package deal...you still get a burping farting man with baggage attached....we all do it burp fart ......throw up on occasion,say the wrong thing and say the right things, do the right thing ro do the wrogn thing....everyone on this planet are far from perfect ...... ..... we all have baggage..only when we are kids our parents carry our baggage...i was made to carry my own baggage as a kid....its why i am a pack horse today......he isnt out of your league.... ........no league status....league is for football.......so smash that pedestal with a brick.....

 

 

anyway......he may not be the right man for you...sounds like he has a bit of resentment there towards women in saying he wants to just use a woman fro a hot tub buddy...isnt out for any sort of commitment and is just a bit early for him......too raw from divorce....

 

fine if he wants you as a friend......but not so fine if you are attracted to him in another way.....whatever happens amay....i know you will handle yourself...and him..you will do what is right for you and ultimately.....he will heal with your friendship for sure.......i wish you well always..hugs..deb

[Popsicle]

As a divorced guy, one of the best things for me was having sex after the seperation. He knew what he was doing when he mentioned the hot tub. It was an invite, not forgetfullness on his part. I didn't end up falling for this woman,but she was a gem who will always be special to me. We are still friends and she's met a guy who treats her great.

I wouldn't back away too much if I were you. Some people are DONE as soon as the seperation takes place. Many have checked out of the relationship long before the D word is mentioned.

Why not live life, enjoy the moments, and see what happens, instead of playing it safe most of the time?

 

Because she wants him to fall for her but knows he won't. She doesn't just want sex she wants more.

[preraph]

Not every overly handsome guy only dates overly beautiful women. My old flame, I never saw him with someone I'd consider drop dead good looking, and he was one of the two best looking guys I ever saw and certainly the best looking one I knew personally.

 

This guy has a connection with you and likes you as a person. I think because he's a man that he probably also has an attraction to you. He might be a great guy. You should go into this with an open mind. Handsome men have women begging for them all the time, so I'm sure he likes that you're more of a challenge. Just relax and see what happens, but be open to romance because I bet he is because he likes you.

[aggie382]

He is broken right now and looking for something amazing and solid to hold on to to help him heal. Once he does, he will let go.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Even though I wrote a few days ago that he's probably not ready for a relationship, I forgot to say one important thing! If a person wants something, GO FOR IT, take the risk, be brave! If you REALLY want it, leaving things behind because of fear is the cause of regrets!

[amaysngrace]

Thank you everybody! It's great to see the different perspectives. A_C is correct that he will back off because that's exactly what he's done.

 

I haven't heard from him all week but he has a full house. When he was reaching out to me before his exW and his girls were out of state visiting the exWs family in Ohio. They are all back now...his exW included. She still lives in the house, I forgot to mention that, until she settles on her house I think he said January 15.

 

So in a few days.

 

The plan is for him to have the girls (he has three) and the dogs (he has two) for half the time, then everyone will go to her house for half the time because they both agreed that the kids should get the dogs.

 

So he'll have a completely empty house soon...not even dogs....for half a week each week.

 

He called me last Monday night after he was leaving his therapist. Said they talked about me. His daughters don't know that the mom cheated. At least nobody told them that. His therapist said it won't look good to them if he and I start anything because in their minds it may seem like it's his fault and my fault for why the marriage failed...like we were having an affair or something. Our kids all go to the same small school in the same small town together.

 

I agree that it may look like that too and I don't want them thinking he's the bad guy anymore than he wants to be the bad guy.

 

So anyway he explained that and before hanging up asked me if I'd like to go grab a drink sometime. I guess I'll have to decide that when that time comes.

[oldshirt]

All I can say about all of that is in general if people wait untill everything is perfect and all the conditions are completely favorable and there are no complications or hurdles, they are going to spend there lives waiting for a moment that can never happen.

 

These are adults with adult lives and adult complications. You either take on the risks and challenges, or you stay on the safety of the couch and watch other people play the game.

[oldshirt]

With all due respect, oldshirt, no woman wants to be a guy's hot tub entertainment for the short term unless she's desperate, or truly just looking for meaningless sex with a hot guy. Everything she wrote here tells me the OP would eventually feel like crap if she went along with this guy's agenda. If he's genuinely interested, he'll make a genuine approach.

 

And I am saying he has made a genuine approach. If he was some guy that she just met in a bar inviting her into the hot tub, I would agree that it was just a playa' looking to score for a night.

 

But these two have been doing the dance around each other and have spent time together and already know each other and already have a rapport with each other.

 

These aren't 17 year olds, these are full grown adults. Y'all are wanting perfect conditions and written guarentees here. Sorry but this is the grown up world, either take some chances and live with some uncertainty or stay home and watch Lifetime movies with your cats so you can stay out of the way of people that are actually trying.

[amaysngrace]

Okay then. When he asks me to go out I will accept his invitation. And go from there.

 

I got this.

[ComingInHot]

Okay then. When he asks me to go out I will accept his invitation. And go from there.

 

I got this.

 

 

amaysngrace, you DO have this! You are not just smart but wise and when the time comes and the invitation is offered, you will handle exactly how you want to. And hopefully handle it how you 'need' to as well (two totally different things as you well know).

 

You are too awesome to not enjoy a good time in good company!

CiH*

[oldshirt]

Okay then. When he asks me to go out I will accept his invitation. And go from there.

 

I got this.

 

I think the key here that people are forgetting is the "...and go from there."

 

This is a date. He did not ask you to marry him and invest your whole life into him forever and ever. Everyone (including you. ....maybe even 'especially you' ) are putting the cart before the horse here.

 

There is no harm in netting for dinner or a coffee and spending some time together and getting to know each other.

 

You may realize he's an ass 30 minutes into it. You may think he's nice but all if his complications at the are more baggage than you want to deal with. He may may not take a liking to you. Or you may hit it off. That's what dates are for, is to get to know people and determine if you want to get involved further with them or not.

 

Whether you two decide to get nakey and make waves in the hot tub or not is entirely up to you and what you want to do or not do at that time. We're all adults here, let's take one day at a time and not be writing scripts for how things are going to go untill people actually get to that point.