He's out of my league and I'm drawing a blank

[thefooloftheyear]

I had a similar experience...All I can say is that if you cant ever get over your insecurity about it, its likely gonna torture the hell out of you..

 

 

I think you handled yourself well and did all the right things...I hope it works out for you in whatever form..If you want another perspective, and how it played out, feel free to PM...

 

Regards...

 

TFY

[Broom]

Sounds like he seen you ask a target and he didn't drop all of that "master plan" without foresight. It was all a PART of that master plan.

 

He's going to devour you and spit out the bones. If you can handle the fall, once he has given you that emotional boost, go for it.

 

Be warned. You're going to "fix" him and then he will run off to someone else.

[melodymatters]

I subscribed to this right away because it's YOU Amay ! I don't subscribe to any " rules", every person and situation is so different, no one here can tell you what is going to happen.

 

I guess if it were me I would be very careful with my heart, but I wouldn't completely shy away because as some have pointed out, life is too short to subscribe to the woulda,shoulda,coulda's. LOTS of men don't do that well unpartnered and can easily fall seriously into the next R without a lot of hand wringing and therapy.

 

 

THIS guy ? Who knows. What has always worked for me is straightforward blunt honesty. NEVER let him know you think he's out of your league, but the rest : the timing, the kids and neighborhood stuff, the hot tub plan, all that I would readily acknowledge and discuss in a rather light hearted manner as in " Uh uh mister, you already cued me into your hot tub seduction fantasies but dinner and drinks sounds lovely". Make it all about YOU !

[amaysngrace]

Thanks Mel!

[oldshirt]

readily acknowledge and discuss in a rather light hearted manner as in " Uh uh mister, you already cued me into your hot tub seduction fantasies but dinner and drinks sounds lovely". Make it all about YOU !

 

Exactly.

 

If the hot tub proposal seems a bit much at the moment, you can make a counter off that's more to your liking.

 

We're all adults here.

[Ruby Slippers]

Just be very careful, amaysngrace. What concerns me is that you've highlighted at least a dozen times in this thread how and why he's so far above you, emphatically stated that you know he's above you, listed all the reasons why. If he's as smart and sharp as you say, there's no way he isn't aware that you have him on that big pedestal. For a man who's very recently divorced from a serial cheater with his ego chewed up and spit out in the dirt, that starry-eyed, adoring energy from you is very tempting, I'm sure. So my advice is to be careful and, if you do decide to get romantic with him, move very slowly. If he really cares about you and not just balm for his ego, he won't have any problem with that.

[Toodaloo]

I don't think you should date this guy.

 

1. You have low self esteem and that seriously needs to be worked on first. It really doesn't matter if you don't look like Claudia Schiffer in your own way you will be attractive and at the moment you are heading on a course that will smash up and trample and shreds of self respect you still have.

 

2. He is NOT ready. Let some other woman be his good time girl. Stand back. Tell him that you are interested but there are certain rules. I.E. he has to have spent time getting his soon to be ex wife out of his system. He has to be emotionally available etc.

 

3. If you get together with him now you are both at risk of fast forwarding and getting yourselves into a right bloody mess and it all blowing up in your faces with the only end result being two lovely people hurting each other by accident...

 

Give him time. Let him go and shag about or do what ever he has to do but DO NOT be his buffer girl. Its not fair to either of you.

 

Trust me, been there, done that and am suffering the consequences. AND worst bit is that I am in danger of losing a friend as well all for the sake of a few fumbles and a snog or two. Its seriously not worth it.

 

Perhaps my situation can be "resolved" but I doubt it. I am very lucky in that we have just started being able to spend time in each others company again but it does have awkward moments... Its not easy. Am I going to try again with him? Hell no. He still needs a bucket load of time and space to figure it out and he is way further down the line than your chap.

 

Good luck.

[oldshirt]

I don't think you should date this guy.

 

1. You have low self esteem and that seriously needs to be worked on first. It really doesn't matter if you don't look like Claudia Schiffer in your own way you will be attractive and at the moment you are heading on a course that will smash up and trample and shreds of self respect you still have.

 

2. He is NOT ready. Let some other woman be his good time girl. Stand back. Tell him that you are interested but there are certain rules. I.E. he has to have spent time getting his soon to be ex wife out of his system. He has to be emotionally available etc.

 

3. If you get together with him now you are both at risk of fast forwarding and getting yourselves into a right bloody mess and it all blowing up in your faces with the only end result being two lovely people hurting each other by accident...

 

Give him time. Let him go and shag about or do what ever he has to do but DO NOT be his buffer girl. Its not fair to either of you.

 

Trust me, been there, done that and am suffering the consequences. AND worst bit is that I am in danger of losing a friend as well all for the sake of a few fumbles and a snog or two. Its seriously not worth it.

 

Perhaps my situation can be "resolved" but I doubt it. I am very lucky in that we have just started being able to spend time in each others company again but it does have awkward moments... Its not easy. Am I going to try again with him? Hell no. He still needs a bucket load of time and space to figure it out and he is way further down the line than your chap.

 

Good luck.

 

 

So in otherwords this guy should be stigmatized and avoided because he is divorced and all divorced people have a prescribed number of "good time girls/guys" until they are a legitimate candidate for dating??

 

And Amay should take herself off the market and rebuff a man that's clearly interested in her and who she has the hots for because she needs to put herself in exhile and fix all her supposed faults and not return untill she have achieved what? Jedi Master status and has mastered the Force????

 

Shall we just lock up divorced people or send them to some kind of Exhile Island until they can come back as perfect, enlightened being so no one has to be at risk for a date not being fabulous or that someone we kind of have the hots for doesn't disappoint us in some way?

 

I'd sure hate for a full grown, educated, sane, sober, gainfully employed adult to spend an evening getting to know someone over drinks if they aren't a guaranteed sure thing to a lifetime of happiness and prosperity.

[oldshirt]

Listen, I hear what y'all are saying and I understand your concerns, this situation is far from ideal and there is a lot of baggage and debris here. The chances of this being "the one" are very small.

 

But isn't chance of anyone you go out with being "the one" very small???

 

This guy has asked her to hand over her life savings or her children or the Crown Jewels, he's asked her in a date and he's kind of hit on her and flirted with her.

 

Well I got news for ya... Guys who don't flirt with and hit on chicks get stuck in the friendzone and get no where. The reason she has the hots for him is because he's sexual and flirty with her and not in spite of it. She didn't come on here asking about what to do with some 'Melvin' she saw studying to himself in the back corner of the library.

 

Assuming this guy is all that, how long do any of you think he's going to be single and on the market???? (Assuming he does ultimately want to find someone again and doesn't decide to be single and a playa' from here on out)

 

A few weeks? A month? Six months? A year?

 

No one can guess if Amay and him are going to hit it off and be together but I can tell you exactly who he will end up with if he does want to find someone special -

 

- it is going to be a gal that laughs at his silly jokes, thinks he's handsome and charming, thinks he has an admirable profession that she also feels some kinship with, is within his circle of friends and associates and who's not afraid to get to know him, spend some time with him and even make some waves in the hot tub with him.

 

I can also tell you with great certainty who he is not going to ride off into the sunset with. He is not going to end up with someone who turns his back to him because she thinks divorced men are damaged goods that are only after "good time girls" for a specified period of time and assume that he will hurt her immeasurably in the blink of an eye with his divorced evilness. Mandnhenwont end up with someone who thinks he is so out of her league that she doesn't give him a chance because she thinks she doesn't stand a chance with him even though he's basically rolled out ex red carpet for her.

 

So even though I can't name names, I guarantee you he will end up with one of the chicks I mentioned above. And I guarantee he will not end up with any of the chicks below.

 

That's as close as anyone can get to making guarantees.

[oldshirt]

And one last thing - let's try to give Amaysngrace some credit here. She's not some delicate little petal off of a flower and she certainly doesn't seem dumb or naive or stupid or anything.

 

If this guy turns out to be an ass or or is wanting to go somewhere she isn't wanting to go, or if he just has too much baggage or his head isn't in the game yet, she'll figure that out and deal with it appropriately.

 

The world doesn't begin or end with some guy if a date(s) doesn't work out perfectly. People run into dead ends and have things fail to launch all the time. They all survive.

 

.....except for the serial killers but that's a whole other topic LOL

[preraph]

I think he sounds nice. I think if all he wanted was a hookup and he's great looking, then why would he put in so much time on this when he could just go out and get laid.

[amaysngrace]

You guys are great!

 

I haven't heard from him at all this week but his wife moves out in a couple of days I think. I'm pretty sure he said the 15th.

 

I will keep you posted. xo

[Toodaloo]

So in otherwords this guy should be stigmatized and avoided because he is divorced and all divorced people have a prescribed number of "good time girls/guys" until they are a legitimate candidate for dating?? Absolutely not - but they should be given time to be able to process what has happened, grieve and recover. this chap has already said he does not want a serious relationship. Amy has indicated she does. This guy has said that he wants some time to play around a bit. Amy has been honest and said it would hurt her if he did while they were seeing each other in what ever capacity. Different song books let alone the same page... = recipe for disaster. Its about having respect for emotions and the process that each individual has for their own recovery

 

And Amay should take herself off the market and rebuff a man that's clearly interested in her and who she has the hots for because she needs to put herself in exhile and fix all her supposed faults and not return untill she have achieved what? Jedi Master status and has mastered the Force???? No but if she is having thoughts about being inferior to others is she really going to be strong enough in her own sense of worth to be able to date a chap who is about to go through a really nasty period in his life? its about mastering a comfort level with yourself. Knowing who you are and enjoying who you are and not feeling as though you have to be "more" or "change" for anyone else. Its about recognising the value she does have and will bring to any relationship.

 

Shall we just lock up divorced people or send them to some kind of Exhile Island until they can come back as perfect, enlightened being so no one has to be at risk for a date not being fabulous or that someone we kind of have the hots for doesn't disappoint us in some way? Now you are just getting ridiculous. Recognising that a person needs to grieve and heal after a loss is hardly sending them to exile. Nor is recognising that at this particular point in time it could cause two lovely people to hurt each other. What is better rush in and screw it up or respect each other and give each other time and space to work out whether or not it is appropriate and if it would be better to just wait and see for a while. Let the situation settle and marinade for a while so that if anything does happen it can be achieved with out anyone getting hurt

 

I'd sure hate for a full grown, educated, sane, sober, gainfully employed adult to spend an evening getting to know someone over drinks if they aren't a guaranteed sure thing to a lifetime of happiness and prosperity. So why not just do it as friends and if it progresses later then fine and if not then what the heck? Does everything HAVE to be about romance ALL of the time???

 

I think this guy actually sounds great.

 

I think Amey you have had your knocks and don't realise what you are "worth" - which is certainly much more than you currently believe. By not having faith in yourself you could muck this up by accident.

 

I think given a bit more time it could work out really well. BUT I also think that at this point in time its all too soon for you BOTH. As such, you could very easily end up hurting each other with out meaning to purely because you both have some issues that you need to work through.

 

So whats the problem with you taking some time to look after yourself and notice the things that make you great and him taking the time to do what ever he needs to do so he can be truly available for a relationship with you?

 

Whats the rush? His wife isn't even out of the door yet!

 

Old shirt I get your point but there are ways of doing things. I have made that mistake and believe me I would far rather have sat back and waited a while, let him get over things and deal with it all while I dealt with my problems instead of thinking that everything had to be just so and just now. He ended up screwed in the head and hurting me which is the last thing he wanted. I ended up confused and hurt and adding to his confusion with out wanting to and for what? Now its hard to get that friendship back to where it should be. Its like treading on damned egg shells all the time trying to ensure we both do the right thing by each other, where as before we were two people who were both very relaxed and happy in each others company.

 

Am I going to end up with him? Probably not, already screwed that one up. I accept that. But I sure as hell am not going to waste my friendship with him.

 

Good luck Amey. I know it may not sound like it but I am routing for you. I really do hope it goes well for you and all that rubbish about you not being good enough... well its rubbish.

[oldshirt]

I think this guy actually sounds great.

 

I think Amey you have had your knocks and don't realise what you are "worth" - which is certainly much more than you currently believe. By not having faith in yourself you could muck this up by accident.

 

I think given a bit more time it could work out really well. BUT I also think that at this point in time its all too soon for you BOTH. As such, you could very easily end up hurting each other with out meaning to purely because you both have some issues that you need to work through.

 

So whats the problem with you taking some time to look after yourself and notice the things that make you great and him taking the time to do what ever he needs to do so he can be truly available for a relationship with you?

 

Whats the rush? His wife isn't even out of the door yet!

 

Old shirt I get your point but there are ways of doing things. I have made that mistake and believe me I would far rather have sat back and waited a while, let him get over things and deal with it all while I dealt with my problems instead of thinking that everything had to be just so and just now. He ended up screwed in the head and hurting me which is the last thing he wanted. I ended up confused and hurt and adding to his confusion with out wanting to and for what? Now its hard to get that friendship back to where it should be. Its like treading on damned egg shells all the time trying to ensure we both do the right thing by each other, where as before we were two people who were both very relaxed and happy in each others company.

 

Am I going to end up with him? Probably not, already screwed that one up. I accept that. But I sure as hell am not going to waste my friendship with him.

 

Good luck Amey. I know it may not sound like it but I am routing for you. I really do hope it goes well for you and all that rubbish about you not being good enough... well its rubbish.

 

 

 

I get your points too but the problem is no one can determine when someone is "over it" and ready for another relationship. There is no secret handshake or decoder ring for when someone is "over" their ex. Some never get over it and some are perfectly fine by the next weekend.

 

 

And yes he said he wasn't planning on jumping back into another relationship/marriage and was planning on playing the field for awhile.

 

 

News flash here - ALL men say they aren't planning on jumping into a R and want to play the field. Playing the field and not diving into any kind of committed relationship right off the bat is just part and parcel of being male.

 

 

Men play the field until someone special they are seeing rises to the top and they decide they want to be with that person fulltime. How does anyone know whether they want to be with someone else or not without dating them and getting to know them??

 

 

If all women were to barricade themselves in their safe room until a man declares he's only going to pick someone out of the phone book and commit himself to her, there would be no dating, no courtship and the human race would die off.

[preraph]

You guys are great!

 

I haven't heard from him at all this week but his wife moves out in a couple of days I think. I'm pretty sure he said the 15th.

 

I will keep you posted. xo

 

You will need to be patient if he's in the middle of breaking up and moving out. There are all kinds of things they'll have yet to do together,taking care of business and sorting out possessions, and it could take a year. During sorting out possessions, they may become sentimental and reunite. But they will break up again. It's not fun for the bystander and a big danger of it is if he sees you accepting less than stellar behavior like this and staying put, then you may be stuck with that type behavior forever even after she's gone. So best to maintain a busy life yourself so it's not all one-sided and doesn't appear you're just waiting tethered for his return. Remain a bit of a challenge for him but do not get short tempered for him having to do things with his wife during this time. There will be things they have to do together and they could even be social sometimes. Keep your own life busy and stay preoccupied. Good luck.

[Timshel]

A guy down the street is going through the same thing currently. He has asked me out several times but I have declined for several reasons.

 

1. My reputation, since I am a single mom, I am super aware of gossip and don't want people I live around to have privy to a new relationship or for my kids to be exposed to it. They do live next door after all, can't hide much.

2. His kids are still digesting the new situation and while he "seems" fine with it, he has admitted that they are upset, want their parents back together and are upset with the mom because she is dating.

3.He "seems" ok with it but I am skeptical. There is a chance also they may reconcile and I don't want to be in the middle of that.

4. I don't want his kids to egg my house.

5. High potential for AWKWARD unless we stay together (statistically unlikely.)

6. Since I live here, own, I would like to maintain a friendship/good neighbor relationship. In the event of some issue, would rather have that assurance. He already came over recently to rid me of a snake in my garage.

 

As I told a friend, I said no because I want to STAY friends with him.

 

I know your situation is different as all are, just thought I'd share. I hope everything works out great and that you have fun regardless.

 

Side note: He seems like a super nice guy, however, given his new status I couldn't dismiss the obvious convenience of being able to walk here. I'd rather have a little work up front.

[Timshel]

Sorry, in line with being able to walk here. How could I ever say I'm busy or have plans or anything really? All kinds of privacy issues.

[Deidre]

I agree with those who say he needs time to process the divorce. I haven't read through the entire thread, but I honestly don't believe anyone is out of anyone else's ''league.'' People are all different...but no one is 'better' than someone else. That's just my take, anyway.

[Toodaloo]

If all women were to barricade themselves in their safe room until a man declares he's only going to pick someone out of the phone book and commit himself to her, there would be no dating, no courtship and the human race would die off.

 

At least let him get his wife out of the door first though eh???

 

How are you doing Amey?

 

I still stand by my previous advice but hope that you keep a close eye on this one so you can be there at the right time Has the wife gone yet?

[elaine567]

Be warned. You're going to "fix" him and then he will run off to someone else.

 

^^^^THis^^^^

 

He is already booting you into the shadows - the kids must not find out.