jbrent890 Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 I have seen many Waywards on this site, especially wives say this. I even called out one poster for saying it. Because of this, I have to ask if the affair was what you wanted it to be, would you still be knee deep in it? Don't get me wrong, I'm very proud of the people who ended their affairs. However, I get the sense that you would still be cheating if it was everything you hoped it would be. What are your thoughts on this? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
D-Fens Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 Wouldn't exactly inspire trust in the BS if the WS were hoping to reconcile, would it? Like saying you stopped shoplifting because you kept accidentally picking up the wrong videogame... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jbrent890 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 Wouldn't exactly inspire trust in the BS if the WS were hoping to reconcile, would it? Like saying you stopped shoplifting because you kept accidentally picking up the wrong videogame... Agreed. But if I was a BS this would be something I would want to know. Honestly, if I knew that, I would feel like a consolation prize. I believe wholeheartedly that Waywards should only try to R because they actually want to be with their spouses. After reading a lot of threads, I feel like some Waywards are only going back to their spouses because that's all they got. I feel like they don't want to be there, but at the same time, they don't want to be alone either. Seems like a waste of a life to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 I have seen many Waywards on this site, especially wives say this. I even called out one poster for saying it. Because of this, I have to ask if the affair was what you wanted it to be, would you still be knee deep in it? Don't get me wrong, I'm very proud of the people who ended their affairs. However, I get the sense that you would still be cheating if it was everything you hoped it would be. What are your thoughts on this? IMO, it is because so many of them get busted so early. Three to six months is the vast majority. The A relationship really never gets past the first euphoria in most instances. You look at affairs that have lasted for years and years, it is quite different. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jbrent890 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 IMO, it is because so many of them get busted so early. Three to six months is the vast majority. The A relationship really never gets past the first euphoria in most instances. You look at affairs that have lasted for years and years, it is quite different. I'm talking more about the individuals who ended the affair on their own. Im wondering if they would have ended the affairs if they were treated more than side pieces? I'm leaning more towards no. If that's the case, then do these Waywards really want to truly be with their spouses then? I think they want to R because what other choice do they have. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 This is just my opinion. I think many WW's have no intention of leaving their husband while they are cheating. They want his financial & emotional contribution to their family life. Their "family life" is number one to them even while they are in bed with OM. They want passion and fantasy with OM. They want a man to charm them and pursue them for sex. Its fun, exciting, and it feels so good. If they get busted they go into panic mode. Family is top priority and she needs BH to make it work. Yeah - she could find another husband but she's already got this one broken in so better to patch things up. Now she has to follow the "WW reconciliation manual" which pretty much means staying home and kissing H's butt until he gets over it. She's probably learned her lesson and swears to never cheat again. Or if she does she must be damn sure she won't get caught this time. At least she will always have the memories of how wonderful her affair was - and that's something. It makes life with good old BH a little easier. Many women want their H to make money, kill spiders, help with the kids, take out the garbage and that's about it. An ugly picture and the one I truly believe is very often accurate. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 It does not matter why WS's have affairs for there are too many reasons to match up to anyone. What does matter is that most WS's never have an intention to leave their marriage, BS, and kids. Couple that with most BS's will not divorce their WS because they were happy being married before the affair so they want to preserve their marriage, family, and kids. This is why they seek to kill the affair and recover the marriage. You are making things to complex. And you are searching for fire where there is no smoke. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 (edited) The question wasn't why the affairs, rather the accusation was that WS only come back because they had no other choice. I've read enough circumstances here that that perspective sounds very similar for betrayed spouse. We all have choices. And, drifter, whether you want to agree with me or not, I believe what you and your wife have is the definition of true love. Edited January 3, 2015 by MuddyFootprints 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 A WS wants an extra in their life. Now if their old ground was gone they'd actually lose something instead of gaining extra treats. A WS may be a lot but they're not going for economic suicide. They stray because they expect they can repair what was damaged/they know full well their partner doesn't have the guts to get up and leave. You can't seriously believe that all reconciliations are sincere just because they're following the tips for special dates they're getting in the internet and say "I love you". 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 Drifter, I think your mostly correct. I'm still with my husband after a very intense affair. I love my husband but I'm nit in love with him and I think he feels the same. We have a good family life and yes I do need him and he needs me. I'm not making excuses,cheating is wrong on so many levels but sometimes it just fills a void.... Me and my mm filled voids for each other..... Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 I'm talking more about the individuals who ended the affair on their own. Im wondering if they would have ended the affairs if they were treated more than side pieces? I'm leaning more towards no. If that's the case, then do these Waywards really want to truly be with their spouses then? I think they want to R because what other choice do they have. What I was suggesting is that because the A relationship is never allowed to mature, they don't know. They are faced with a choice after 3-6 months which doesn't hold a candle to 5-15 years of marriage. It is a premature decision. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jbrent890 Posted January 3, 2015 Author Share Posted January 3, 2015 It does not matter why WS's have affairs for there are too many reasons to match up to anyone. What does matter is that most WS's never have an intention to leave their marriage, BS, and kids. Couple that with most BS's will not divorce their WS because they were happy being married before the affair so they want to preserve their marriage, family, and kids. This is why they seek to kill the affair and recover the marriage. You are making things to complex. And you are searching for fire where there is no smoke. I get what your saying, but I think your missing my point. Honestly I think drifter hit the nail on the head. I never mentioned the WS leaving the marriage. I do wonder if they would have actually ended their affairs if they were more than side pieces. Also, are their BS who they really want to be with. I would never want to be someone's walking wallet. If you are giving your best to your affair partner and I'm footing the bill, then screw that noise, I would end the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 ... would never want to be someone's walking wallet. If you are giving your best to your affair partner and I'm footing the bill, then screw that noise, I would end the marriage. Problem is that you will never know if you are getting her best or are just the guy paying the bills... Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 Problem is that you will never know if you are getting her best or are just the guy paying the bills... I say to a BH, if you feel this way, then leave. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 I get what your saying, but I think your missing my point. Honestly I think drifter hit the nail on the head. I never mentioned the WS leaving the marriage. I do wonder if they would have actually ended their affairs if they were more than side pieces. Also, are their BS who they really want to be with. I would never want to be someone's walking wallet. If you are giving your best to your affair partner and I'm footing the bill, then screw that noise, I would end the marriage. They are side pieces to each other. After time their flaws can not be hidden or ignored. This is why many affairs are done in 6 months and most are finished at years. Again the affairs were not entered to ditch the marriage family and BS. So there are an unlimited list of reasons why the WS stays married post divorce. In short they did not want divorce when deciding to bang their AP. They wanted to stay married. The BS does not want divorce. Both feel they are better off staying married. So they do. Link to post Share on other sites
flowergirl14 Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 My wh ended the affair a year prior to me finding out about it. He says he ended it. She'd probably tell a different story. My husband spent 9 months stalking her on fb( I still wasnt aware that he was a cheater). She had moved on with her life (New family husband etc). Then i find out about the affair. At this point it had been over a year. He spends the next year apparently in false R and the last few months he started looking for her on fb again. My latest thoughts are..why would i want to be with someone who is thinking, longing, lusting for someone else? Its a sobering realization. I either leave or live with this sorry s.o.b. excuse of a husband. I think for my wh she was a side piece that turned into more and i know through messages she wanted more. I have a feeling she dumped his a**. Maybe I should too. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 ... In short they (WS) did not want divorce when deciding to bang their AP. They wanted to stay married. The BS does not want divorce. Both feel they are better off staying married. So they do. This is so sad because it is so often true. Most people just don't recognize the most important moments of their lives until they pass. At the time the BS might think "well, I can always leave later" - but years pass and they realize that leaving then was the right time. They could have avoided so much pain and not wasted so much time if they divorced early on after d-day. I think this is especially true for most BH's because they will never really get past knowing their wife screwed another man. For those BW's and BH's that can truly get past the sex then maybe reconciliation can work for them. But for most of us... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
badkarma2013 Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 It does not matter why WS's have affairs for there are too many reasons to match up to anyone. What does matter is that most WS's never have an intention to leave their marriage, BS, and kids. Couple that with most BS's will not divorce their WS because they were happy being married before the affair so they want to preserve their marriage, family, and kids. This is why they seek to kill the affair and recover the marriage. . ***************************************************************** These are actual quotes from WWs to leading infidelity expert Katie Lersch.. Notice the SAME THEME ...It validates your point .... "I had an affair with a man who takes yoga at the same time that I do. I never had any intention of leaving my husband and my family. I made the huge mistake of cheating on my spouse last year. My husband found out about it from the other man. My husband immediately confronted me and I admitted to everything. I don't want to jeopardize my family I regret cheating on my husband more than any mistake that I have ever made in my entire life. I love my husband. I don't want for him to leave me. I want him in my life. I was an idiot to jeopardize my marriage with this man. I had an affair that started at my job. And I know that the other man isn't a high quality person. He's not an upstanding guy the way that my husband is. The only thing that I had with the other man was great sex. I heard from a wife who said: "I feel like such a cheap, low life for cheating on my husband. I am so embarrassed by this. My husband lost his job last year and I had to go back to work. I decided to work at a restaurant so that I could have very flexible hours. I ended up having an affair with my boss, who manages the restaurant. Honestly, the other man isn't anyone that I would have associated with before, much less have been attracted to. This is so out of character for me My God...still amazes me how WSs act until Caught or confesses... Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 This is so sad because it is so often true. Most people just don't recognize the most important moments of their lives until they pass. At the time the BS might think "well, I can always leave later" - but years pass and they realize that leaving then was the right time. They could have avoided so much pain and not wasted so much time if they divorced early on after d-day. I think this is especially true for most BH's because they will never really get past knowing their wife screwed another man. For those BW's and BH's that can truly get past the sex then maybe reconciliation can work for them. But for most of us... Some regret not divorcing and some do. However divorce is not always the best answer nor is recovery. There is no automatic answers most of the time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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