clevelander321 Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 I guess this is a two part question, but i will briefly tell me story.. Been married for 4 years, and recently divorced.Have a 3 year old son. My wife and I did not have a perfect/amazingly passionate relationship, but I thought it was not bad. We were together every night, shared laughs, enjoyed raising our son, took trips etc. We enjoyed being together. She took a trip back home to see her family, and left our son with me. She returns and is different. Says she is not in love. Wants a divorce. Insists there is no one else. She now seemingly hates everything about me, and moved to the couch. She then takes another trip back home 2 months later, comes back and tell me she wants a divorce, is getting a lawyer, moving out, and taking our son. She also told me she has nobody else, but I cannot be mad if she is remarried within a couple months.. Slowly I found out about another man through phone records, talking to her family, and i also looked at her bank statement to notice a man wired her about $25,000. After doing some research he works offshore, and is a few years younger than her. I have went through a wide range of feelings, and we already went to court then a mediator. Right now, it is hitting me that our son will never have two loving parents to share his time with. This breaks my heart.. It will always be me alone with him, or her alone with him.. I still have to see my ex wife quite often due to exchanging the kid, and it is hard for me to get over this.. How do you move on from this resentment? Secondly, I know the 2 of them just met in July, and spent a week together, then more time chatting of course.. Right now my wife lives a life that he is paying for, and way above her head..She makes about 800 a month, gets some child support from me, but has at least $4000 a month in bills. How can she be so sure this man will now support her forever? And secondly, why would this man choose a 40 yr old woman with a toddler , who is cheating, to invest so much into? He does not have children. He wants to be with a woman who is a cheater, with child, and then be a step dad? It makes little sense to me. This guy really went out of his way to destroy a family, and I am wondering how he can be so sure that this was a good decision.. Link to post Share on other sites
WhatYouWantToHear Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 Where's all the questioning their decisions and logic going to get you? Think you will be able to rationally sit down with them, logically lay out all these points and and they are going to magically come to their senses and see you are right? At some point you have to realize that logic and forethought aren't something they are capable of, but hopefully you are. So stop thinking 1 step ahead for them and start thinking 2 steps ahead for you: you need to move on. Understand that they make bad decisions and make the best ones that you can moving forward. Again, quit all this questioning, its not going to help you and will only eat you up. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 There is very little chance she formed an emotional connection with this guy on that short of a trip so I would guess there is another motivation behind her decision. However at the end of the day does that really matter? Her why's won't come, she is so wrapped up in what she wants she likely doesn't feel she owes you one. Don't misplace your anger, this guy didn't steal her because its where she wants to be. She is the one that ripped your family apart. Don't use your energy on hating him. The best thing you can do is focus on your child and yourself. Stop all communication that doesn't direct involve your child and/or divorce. Stop looking for answers from her it will just drive you crazy since she is likely blaming the whole thing on what you didn't do and how you failed. In time, if she has a conscience, she will provide you with your answers as her guilt eats away at her. Also don't be shocked if she comes dancing back into your life singing the it was a mistake song. I know its hard, trust me. Its a must that you gain some emotional distance and protect yourself heart and pockets. She isn't who you thought you married, accepting that will make it easier to move on. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 This dude is buying an expensive ticket for the Pain Train! I've said it before and will say it again. The best revenge you can take on the man who steals your woman is to let him have her. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author clevelander321 Posted January 3, 2015 Author Share Posted January 3, 2015 There is very little chance she formed an emotional connection with this guy on that short of a trip so I would guess there is another motivation behind her decision. However at the end of the day does that really matter? Her why's won't come, she is so wrapped up in what she wants she likely doesn't feel she owes you one. Don't misplace your anger, this guy didn't steal her because its where she wants to be. She is the one that ripped your family apart. Don't use your energy on hating him. The best thing you can do is focus on your child and yourself. Stop all communication that doesn't direct involve your child and/or divorce. Stop looking for answers from her it will just drive you crazy since she is likely blaming the whole thing on what you didn't do and how you failed. In time, if she has a conscience, she will provide you with your answers as her guilt eats away at her. Also don't be shocked if she comes dancing back into your life singing the it was a mistake song. I know its hard, trust me. Its a must that you gain some emotional distance and protect yourself heart and pockets. She isn't who you thought you married, accepting that will make it easier to move on. I agree. Logically it would make the most sense not to be angry at anyone, and just move on.. I did talk to this guy on the phone long ago (when I noticed this number calling), and he told me he has a girlfriend, would never be with a married woman, was just a friend etc.. Obviously all lies.. All things considered I am doing ok for now, but just am hurt for lack of a better word for what this did to my son. Link to post Share on other sites
HurtHusband Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 This is very sad and it's terrible that your wife is acting so selfishly and destroying your family when you have a young child. Advice here will help, but it's like putting a band aid on a severed limb, only time will help you get over this. That and looking after yourself. It really sucks and I can understand how you must feel as my wife cheated on me too and we have two young kids. After x amount of years and kids now is not a good time to change her mind about how she feels.. But people can be c**^* and you realise that now. Be there 100% for your son and focus all your energy on that. I know you will still be feeling destroyed but your wife sounds like she has a spending habit and you know now she is a cheater and can be devious..she is not the same woman you married.. She's behaving very badly and would you really want this sort of woman in your life? I doubt it...stay strong.."if your going through hell, keep going" 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 Stay strong.."if you're going through hell, keep going" The mantra of the day. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author clevelander321 Posted January 3, 2015 Author Share Posted January 3, 2015 I guess at this point, whether it is good or bad, I know i can never take her back. It hurts when my son asks me why he can't be with both of us anymore, or when he tells me how he misses me.. I am almost confused at to whether or not it is best if it does work out with this other man. I have no idea what will happen with this entire mess if he does disappear or change his mind. My ex is already in a deep hole with bills she cannot afford. She is also almost always crying when I see her, or about to. Just no idea what is even going on. Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 You can't do anything about your wife and this other guy and honestly it's not worth you time and trouble. You have a kid. Just make sure that the child has one stable parent in their life. That should be your most important thing to do. Your wife sounds like a lost cause and sooner or later she'll see the errors of her way, then you can have your satisfaction. Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 Protect yourself legally from her taking your son with her. It will come up at one point, if it hasn't already. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author clevelander321 Posted January 5, 2015 Author Share Posted January 5, 2015 Well, I had my son today and for the first time he starts saying he has "Two daddies". I asked him what he meant, and he said he has another daddy at "mommies house". I called my ex to tell her, and she told me our son must be lying. Then a minute later she told me it is none of my business, and our son can "love whomever he wants" keep in mind she moved out 2 months ago.. And already has a new "daddy" Tough to swallow, but nothing i can really do. Link to post Share on other sites
toolforgrowth Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 Not when it comes to that, no. You can't control what happens at his mother's house. But you can control what happens at your house. My xWW just got remarried, and my daughter has been referring to her step dad as "Daddy" for quite a while now. It hurt a little at first, but then I remembered that nobody can replace me as her father, no matter what she may call them. To this day, she still says I'm the best daddy ever and in the whole wide world, and I say NOTHING bad about her step dad or even comment on him (he's actually a decent guy). I just try to be the best dad I can be, and it works. My ex just gave me a bunch of extra time with her, mostly at my daughter's request. They know who their real parents are, as long as you show them that. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 Let me say that as an attorney, I know that in many jurisdictions, courts will issue an order directing that no other person be called mother or father or anything like it, i.e.: daddy. If this order is given and it is violated, there can be serious consequences. You should inquire about this with your local court system. If you can't afford a lawyer, don't worry. Many courts consider allowing another person to be called daddy to be child abuse and typically take this kind of thing very seriously. You can get them to act even if you don't have a lawyer. It is harming your child and you should inquire immediately within your court system to stop this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 Let me say that as an attorney, I know that in many jurisdictions, courts will issue an order directing that no other person be called mother or father or anything like it, i.e.: daddy. If this order is given and it is violated, there can be serious consequences. You should inquire about this with your local court system. If you can't afford a lawyer, don't worry. Many courts consider allowing another person to be called daddy to be child abuse and typically take this kind of thing very seriously. You can get them to act even if you don't have a lawyer. It is harming your child and you should inquire immediately within your court system to stop this. How horrible! Those poor children banned by law from saying "daddy". I much prefer toolforgrowth's method in dealing with this, it is adult thinking and shows he cared for his kids. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 How horrible! Those poor children banned by law from saying "daddy". I much prefer toolforgrowth's method in dealing with this, it is adult thinking and shows he cared for his kids. It has been proven to be harmful to the children. Courts typically consider what is in the best interests of the children as the top priority. Not the feelings of the daddy of the month. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 It has been proven to be harmful to the children. Courts typically consider what is in the best interests of the children as the top priority. Not the feelings of the daddy of the month. Do you have the links to where it is proven to be harmful? Link to post Share on other sites
Author clevelander321 Posted January 5, 2015 Author Share Posted January 5, 2015 It has been proven to be harmful to the children. Courts typically consider what is in the best interests of the children as the top priority. Not the feelings of the daddy of the month. it is just hard to prove.. Kids that are 3 might call anyone "daddy", and she could lie and say he came home calling someone else mommy.. It gets really expensive, and at the end of the day a court will not change cutody over this. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 Do you have the links to where it is proven to be harmful? Are you saying you know a better way than that of the court systems of most of the USA? I don't have to research it unless I'm going against the grain. Here it is clearly something that is considered by the vast majority of courts to be repugnant and harmful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 it is just hard to prove.. Kids that are 3 might call anyone "daddy", and she could lie and say he came home calling someone else mommy.. It gets really expensive, and at the end of the day a court will not change cutody over this. I have seen courts change visitation over this issue many times. Custody can be affected as well. Typically you would need more though. However, parents that violate this kind of court order typically do act in ways that are not in the best interest of their children, in many other respects as well. It can get expensive, I grant you that. In your case the mother sounds to be a bit of an outlaw too so even with a court order she may decide to risk it. That is good and bad. She is going to give you plenty of reasons to argue for custody but it will be expensive if you do that. Still it might be worth sending the signal that you don't approve of this "daddy" business and see what happens. Just getting an order should not cost a lot. Enforcing it, bringing consequences for violating it, that is where the real expense comes in. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jm2013 Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 Clevelander, At this point all you can do is be the best dad you can. You've probably got a decade before your kid will probably want and let his mom know he wants to live with YOU. Later on in life your kids will have that much MORE respect for you and probably set aside some resentment against their mom for betraying you and causing a divorce. I'm sure questions will start surfacing about why you split in early adulthood. I'm sure it will amplify your relationship further down the road when the truth is revealed. Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 (edited) How horrible! Those poor children banned by law from saying "daddy". I much prefer toolforgrowth's method in dealing with this, it is adult thinking and shows he cared for his kids. It all depends on where you're from, as the other poster said. Having been taken to court for the kids spontaneously calling me "mom" by my husband's ex (who also called it abuse and parental alienation), I can say not every state, every court, or every judge cares. In our case the judge said that we didn't make the kids call me that, we didn't demand they not call their other mother something other than "mom" and their expression was the result of genuine affection based off of the fact we have joint custody and they don't remember a time I wasn't with their father, therefore it was not something that should have been brought before the court and they could call me mom if that's what they wanted. While I get the circumstances may be different in this case, the injunction against calling somebody mom/dad is not a universally accepted or enforced thing. Like I was also taken to court because my "non Judeo-Christian alternative religion" was "detrimental and abusive" to the kids and exposed them to "unsafe influences and people." Again, after we established I don't force them into my faith or my faith's religious services, that I don't do anything weird, unconventional, illegal, or damaging, it was rebuffed. But even then the judge said if they were practicing my faith or religious services that if it was done with the consent of their father, it was still not an issue. Freedom of religion and all that. That said, two states over, I'd have been screwed legally and either we'd have lost some of our custody rights or I'd have had an injunction about my faith or being around the kids. Edited January 5, 2015 by Redheaded Mistress 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGypsy Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 This is going to be a hard time for you emotionally . I just want to echo the advice you do everything possible to protect your son. YOU are his father, and you have rights that need to be protected now. Link to post Share on other sites
toolforgrowth Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 In our case the judge said that we didn't make the kids call me that, we didn't demand they not call their other mother something other than "mom" and their expression was the result of genuine affection based off of the fact we have joint custody and they don't remember a time I wasn't with their father, therefore it was not something that should have been brought before the court and they could call me mom if that's what they wanted. This right here. I asked my daughter if it was her choice to call him daddy, and she said yes it was. So I said okay, if that's what you want, then that's okay by me. I haven't brought it up since (and this was well over a year ago). I refer to him as her step dad to my daughter, but what she chooses to call him is her choice, and I'm secure enough as her "real" father to respect it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 See...this is why when someone asks me if I'm "staying for the kids" my answer is " you're damn right I am." The difference is I am staying for the kids, and WORKING HARD on R for them, and myself, as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author clevelander321 Posted January 5, 2015 Author Share Posted January 5, 2015 See...this is why when someone asks me if I'm "staying for the kids" my answer is " you're damn right I am." The difference is I am staying for the kids, and WORKING HARD on R for them, and myself, as well. I agree. What are the alternatives really? It seems many think they will have some new and wonderful amazing love forever with a different person. It's just a fantasy. Same issues typically crop up in all relationships, and if you always run, or never fix yourself you will just have a lifetime of 20 3 yr relationships. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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