Infidelity/divorce and anger when you have a child together

[jm2013]

I agree. What are the alternatives really? It seems many think they will have some new and wonderful amazing love forever with a different person. It's just a fantasy. Same issues typically crop up in all relationships, and if you always run, or never fix yourself you will just have a lifetime of 20 3 yr relationships.

 

The alternatives are finding a partner who respects you. Partner 1 failed and showed how much they really did "love" them. They love them so much to go fishing for an affair or let somebody else fulfill whatever void they have and selfishly hide it behind the back of their spouse. The spouse who they come home to and look at each day while they're stabbing them in the back. The spouse they're putting at risk for STDs. The spouse they're not giving an option to.

 

It's not about running either. The spouse who had the affair is the runner. The spouse who felt the need to sink the ship. It's just up to the BS to bail or grab on to that sinking ship until it hits the bottom. I think every BS should learn to fall in love with themselves again. I know I've learned so much after my wife's affair. But I am utilizing the time now to work on me. Love comes and goes. There will always be somebody out there who's probably much better fitting than a cheating, lying spouse. Of course there will always be issues in a relationship. It's finding and securing a partner who has values. One who FIXES the problems before they become real problems like cheating on their spouse.

[clevelander321]

The alternatives are finding a partner who respects you. Partner 1 failed and showed how much they really did "love" them. They love them so much to go fishing for an affair or let somebody else fulfill whatever void they have and selfishly hide it behind the back of their spouse. The spouse who they come home to and look at each day while they're stabbing them in the back. The spouse they're putting at risk for STDs. The spouse they're not giving an option to.

 

It's not about running either. The spouse who had the affair is the runner. The spouse who felt the need to sink the ship. It's just up to the BS to bail or grab on to that sinking ship until it hits the bottom. I think every BS should learn to fall in love with themselves again. I know I've learned so much after my wife's affair. But I am utilizing the time now to work on me. Love comes and goes. There will always be somebody out there who's probably much better fitting than a cheating, lying spouse. Of course there will always be issues in a relationship. It's finding and securing a partner who has values. One who FIXES the problems before they become real problems like cheating on their spouse.

 

I agree.. I did not mean it is useful to take back a cheating spouse, I meant it is useful work on marriage problems before cheating.

 

I am in the same boat, and as soon as i found out she cheated I knew it was over and my feelings for her disappeared.

[TrustedthenBusted]

The alternatives are finding a partner who respects you...

 

Sage advice.

 

But you could just as easily have said " finding a partner who respects THEMSELVES."

 

Because I truly believe that a big part of cheating for a lot of people ( and certainly my wife ) had to do with her own lack of self respect and self esteem.

 

My wife lied to me. My wife cheated on me. My wife disrespected me.

 

But she did all of those things to herself as well, and in her darkest moments, I bet that weighs on her just as heavily, if not more.

 

 

So what I'm saying is if the choice is to find a new partner, it's as important to find someone who respects YOU, but also THEMSELVES enough to avoid an affair.

 

I think this is a big part that often goes unrecognized by BS's. it's not always about us... it's about them.

[jm2013]

Sage advice.

 

But you could just as easily have said " finding a partner who respects THEMSELVES."

 

Because I truly believe that a big part of cheating for a lot of people ( and certainly my wife ) had to do with her own lack of self respect and self esteem.

 

My wife lied to me. My wife cheated on me. My wife disrespected me.

 

But she did all of those things to herself as well, and in her darkest moments, I bet that weighs on her just as heavily, if not more.

 

 

So what I'm saying is if the choice is to find a new partner, it's as important to find someone who respects YOU, but also THEMSELVES enough to avoid an affair.

 

I think this is a big part that often goes unrecognized by BS's. it's not always about us... it's about them.

 

T&B I think that is spot on. I think we could all find a pattern with our cheating wives. My wife had low self esteem. She was very self conscious. It is ironic that she completely changed after I discovered her affair. Now she may act self confident I'm not really sure if she is or not anymore. But you're right, I'd definitely make sure the next person had self confidence.

 

P.S - I'm glad things are looking up for your marriage. It definitely takes two people to invest 100%. Sometimes I ask myself why this is happening to me emotionally where I just can't get past it and how her actions have helped me fall out of love with her. I guess people are right when they say a successful reconciliation really varies from person to person.

[TrustedthenBusted]

 

P.S - I'm glad things are looking up for your marriage. It definitely takes two people to invest 100%. Sometimes I ask myself why this is happening to me emotionally where I just can't get past it and how her actions have helped me fall out of love with her. I guess people are right when they say a successful reconciliation really varies from person to person.

 

Thank you.

 

You know, I think I had to get to a point with my wife where I really was completely out of love with her before I could really get over it. It was like I reached that point where ( I can't believe I'm admitting this ) I actually thought my life would be easier and better is she just got hit by a train.

 

It was rock bottom for me. Not filled with sadness, but rather complete Apathy.

 

From there, I was able to kind of start over and view her as an individual, and not my wife and partner. I started talking to her the way I would talk to a friend or a neighbor. Almost "getting to know you" stuff. She became more interesting to me, slowly ( remember, I'm 5 years in ) we began to enjoy eachother's company. I dunno.. maybe time heals most wounds. I may still have a bad spell, but they are very short, and usually nothing an open conversation can't clear up.

 

Hopefully you are just at rock bottom and can start working your way back up now.

[Spectre]

How horrible!

Those poor children banned by law from saying "daddy".

 

I much prefer toolforgrowth's method in dealing with this, it is adult thinking and shows he cared for his kids.

 

I get where he is coming from though. This kid shouldn't be calling some other dude daddy. He's not the kids daddy, it's mommy's f*ck buddy.

[elaine567]

I get where he is coming from though. This kid shouldn't be calling some other dude daddy. He's not the kids daddy, it's mommy's f*ck buddy.

 

I think we all get that, but we have to think of the kids here.

Some kids naturally want a father to live with them in their family home, and the man they live with can be to them "their dad".

It is not about biology, it is about the kids seeing a father figure in their home and that man lives with them all the time, so he is instinctively "dad".

 

That is how it often pans out and I do not think anyone should be upsetting little kids, by steaming in and saying that the man they chose to call "dad" is not their dad, he is just their mom's f*ck buddy...

[TrustedthenBusted]

I think we all get that, but we have to think of the kids here.

Some kids naturally want a father to live with them in their family home, and the man they live with can be to them "their dad".

It is not about biology, it is about the kids seeing a father figure in their home and that man lives with them all the time, so he is instinctively "dad".

 

That is how it often pans out and I do not think anyone should be upsetting little kids, by steaming in and saying that the man they chose to call "dad" is not their dad, he is just their mom's f*ck buddy...

 

 

I think the best thing you can do is say THIS is Daddy.... and THIS, is mommy's friend Steve.

 

That's the truth, and kids can handle the truth. Much better than adults, actually.

[Spectre]

I think we all get that, but we have to think of the kids here.

Some kids naturally want a father to live with them in their family home, and the man they live with can be to them "their dad".

It is not about biology, it is about the kids seeing a father figure in their home and that man lives with them all the time, so he is instinctively "dad".

 

That is how it often pans out and I do not think anyone should be upsetting little kids, by steaming in and saying that the man they chose to call "dad" is not their dad, he is just their mom's f*ck buddy...

 

This is kind of why the mom should not be allowed to bring her f*ck buddies around the kid. You know, like the way a mother who actually cared for her child would act. She wouldn't want the kid put in this position. Something tells me the kid is going to end up having a lot of new "daddies" and "uncles" if he is left solely in the mothers care.

 

So as you say, we do need to think of the kids, and they don't need a mother who has a revolving door for a boyfriend. She doesn't need to be bringing guys skeevy enough to get with married women around her children.

Edited January 5, 2015 by Spectre

[clevelander321]

This is kind of why the mom should not be allowed to bring her f*ck buddies around the kid. You know, like the way a mother who actually cared for her child would act. She wouldn't want the kid put in this position. Something tells me the kid is going to end up having a lot of new "daddies" and "uncles" if he is left solely in the mothers care.

 

So as you say, we do need to think of the kids, and they don't need a mother who has a revolving door for a boyfriend. She doesn't need to be bringing guys skeevy enough to get with married women around her children.

 

 

Exactly... And here is the thing... I confronted my wife via text about why my son is mentioned "2 daddies".. She wouldn't respond.. So I called..

 

I calmly asked and she was all hyper and said " He is allowed to love whomever he wants"

 

Excuse me? So now she thinks my son "loves" this other man he just met? is that how skewed her thinking is? like anyone can be substituted for me and it all works out?

[Raena]

Putting aside the hurt and anger is probably one of the most difficult parts about dealing with infidelity and the resulting chaos that ensues when the cheater runs off to be with their affair partner.

 

It is a LOT to deal with... and you are only 2 months in with a huge load of issues to contend with. Speaking from experience (over a year in now) it hasn't gone away much but there are ways to manage it.

 

Once you get some things settled it will help a tremendous amount. Get to court, establish custody, visitation and so on. Hopefully you'll be able to put a plan in place to clearly establish boundaries because it doesn't sound like she's going to be willing to work with you at all.

 

As for your child calling her new man "Daddy"... I think what most people are forgetting is that he's only 3. Your child isn't old enough to make the decision to call him Daddy of his own accord. She must have told him it was ok, or told him to call him that. THAT I have an issue with. Sure, your son can love whomever he wants, but she shouldn't be clouding his mind about who is father is by having him call some man she's only been with a short time Daddy. Kids can be very confused by this, especially at such a young age. In my opinion, that man is NOT "Dad", nor is he "StepDad" either. They aren't married. It doesn't sound like you two are even divorced yet. As far as I'm concerned... no "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" gets the title of "step parent" until they are actually married to the mother/father of the child. That's just the way I was raised. Until they marry, they are just mommy or daddy's friend or "boyfriend/girlfriend"

[toolforgrowth]

I get where he is coming from though. This kid shouldn't be calling some other dude daddy. He's not the kids daddy, it's mommy's f*ck buddy.

 

In this instance, I'm inclined to agree with you. But remember, he can't stop her from doing what she's doing. In all honesty, no response is the best option here.

 

I tend to think that many cheaters cheat and do the horrible other things they do (like this) out of a sense of resentment for perceived wrongdoings on the part of the BS. As such, they WANT a reaction; they want to know they got to you. By not giving one, you are denying them that satisfaction.

 

I didn't say a single word to my xWW about it; not one. What would have been the point? She wouldn't have stopped anyway. I selectively pick and choose my battles, and avoid the ones I know I have no chance of winning.

 

It's okay to be upset and angry about it. But do not let her know that! As a wise poster on here once said: "Cultivate a strong sense of apathy."

[toolforgrowth]

like anyone can be substituted for me and it all works out?

 

Of course not. Make yourself unsubstitutable. Do you honestly think OM cares as much for your son as you do? Definitely not. You show that to your son by being the best daddy you can be and loving him more than anyone else does. I made that my mission with my daughter post-D and it worked! She knows that Daddy (me!) loves her more than anyone else on this entire planet...NOBODY can replace that.

[clevelander321]

In this instance, I'm inclined to agree with you. But remember, he can't stop her from doing what she's doing. In all honesty, no response is the best option here.

 

I tend to think that many cheaters cheat and do the horrible other things they do (like this) out of a sense of resentment for perceived wrongdoings on the part of the BS. As such, they WANT a reaction; they want to know they got to you. By not giving one, you are denying them that satisfaction.

 

I didn't say a single word to my xWW about it; not one. What would have been the point? She wouldn't have stopped anyway. I selectively pick and choose my battles, and avoid the ones I know I have no chance of winning.

 

It's okay to be upset and angry about it. But do not let her know that! As a wise poster on here once said: "Cultivate a strong sense of apathy."

 

This is a great point i think..

 

In my case my wife received tens of thousands from the other man... Within 2 months she is driving a new Land Rover..

 

However, she noticed I bought myself a new shirt from what happened to be Walmart.. A cotton pullover.. This bothered her.. Her comment was something like "Oh, guess you are rich,, New clothes! Good for you!" She looks me up and down head to toe and comments every single time in a jealous fashion. When i didnt return a text she turned it into "I dont know who you are with but you should reply to my texts", even though is was nothing important at all.

 

So, having said that I spoke to a female friend who told me I do not understand women... She said she has 2 sons who went through an ugly divorce, and it is very common for women to STILL try and control/want to be loved by their ex husbands.

 

So, the only way my wife can do this anymore, is through my son.. And she has done this in many ways.. She has not prevented me from seeing my son, but she always wants a reaction out of me.. Sometimes, I am dumb and do react.. As I did with the "daddy" comment.. I wonder why these women still want to control or be wanted..

[elaine567]

I wonder why these women still want to control or be wanted..

 

She had her cake and ate it too, I guess it is difficult to break that mindset.

[toolforgrowth]

This is a great point i think..

 

In my case my wife received tens of thousands from the other man... Within 2 months she is driving a new Land Rover..

 

However, she noticed I bought myself a new shirt from what happened to be Walmart.. A cotton pullover.. This bothered her.. Her comment was something like "Oh, guess you are rich,, New clothes! Good for you!" She looks me up and down head to toe and comments every single time in a jealous fashion. When i didnt return a text she turned it into "I dont know who you are with but you should reply to my texts", even though is was nothing important at all.

 

So, having said that I spoke to a female friend who told me I do not understand women... She said she has 2 sons who went through an ugly divorce, and it is very common for women to STILL try and control/want to be loved by their ex husbands.

 

So, the only way my wife can do this anymore, is through my son.. And she has done this in many ways.. She has not prevented me from seeing my son, but she always wants a reaction out of me.. Sometimes, I am dumb and do react.. As I did with the "daddy" comment.. I wonder why these women still want to control or be wanted..

 

My xWW did the exact same thing, and still tries to control me on occasion. The last time was about two months ago, and she hit a brick wall (silence). I did what I wanted anyway. When she dropped off our daughter a couple weeks later, she was blushing like crazy (out of embarrassment most likely). I was highly amused.

 

Yes, I think that many ex wives are jealous of their ex husbands when they show independence. They don't want anyone else to have you (even though they themselves left you!).

 

Continue responding to her texts at YOUR leisure; she wants to know what you're doing so she behaves that way. If she continues to get pissy about it, ignore. If she comments on your clothes, ignore. If she asks what you're doing, ignore.

 

Cultivate that apathy by simply not participating! It's hard to compete against someone who doesn't even bother to show up to the match.

[clevelander321]

My xWW did the exact same thing, and still tries to control me on occasion. The last time was about two months ago, and she hit a brick wall (silence). I did what I wanted anyway. When she dropped off our daughter a couple weeks later, she was blushing like crazy (out of embarrassment most likely). I was highly amused.

 

Yes, I think that many ex wives are jealous of their ex husbands when they show independence. They don't want anyone else to have you (even though they themselves left you!).

 

Continue responding to her texts at YOUR leisure; she wants to know what you're doing so she behaves that way. If she continues to get pissy about it, ignore. If she comments on your clothes, ignore. If she asks what you're doing, ignore.

 

Cultivate that apathy by simply not participating! It's hard to compete against someone who doesn't even bother to show up to the match.

 

Exactly.. Out of nowhere she also said "Oh, I guess you had fun in Vegas for new years". No idea where she even got this idea from.

 

Is the BS adding fuel to the affair by continually responding, being mad, being emotional? Sort of in a way giving the affair partners things in common, or things to talk about?

 

If I left my wife for another woman i would think sooner or later i would realize nobody can replace the real mom, assuming the real mom was really not that bad..

[BeholdtheMan]

She makes about 800 a month, gets some child support from me, but has at least $4000 a month in bills. How can she be so sure this man will now support her forever?

 

None of your concern

 

why would this man choose a 40 yr old woman with a toddler , who is cheating, to invest so much into? He does not have children. He wants to be with a woman who is a cheater, with child, and then be a step dad? It makes little sense to me.

 

Again, this is none of your concern

 

Don't waste time thinking about it. Your ex-wife is free to live as she pleases. She's beyond your control.

 

This guy really went out of his way to destroy a family

 

Not really...

 

Your wife/ex-wife really went out of her way to destroy your family. She betrayed her wedding vows. This guy just banged some willing p*ssy

[clevelander321]

None of your concern

 

 

 

Again, this is none of your concern

 

Don't waste time thinking about it. Your ex-wife is free to live as she pleases. She's beyond your control.

 

 

 

Not really...

 

Your wife/ex-wife really went out of her way to destroy your family. She betrayed her wedding vows. This guy just banged some willing p*ssy

 

You are right about all of it... Sometimes just want answers even if it does not matter..Or theories that help piece things together...

[Trimmer]

You are right about all of it... Sometimes just want answers even if it does not matter..Or theories that help piece things together...

Indeed, but that pursuit of answers that don't matter in the long run will take your energy and focus away from the priority issues: upholding and strengthening your bond with your son, so he will know he is supported and safe, that his relationship with you is solid, and that you will not put him in the position of dividing or questioning his loyalties.

 

I'm short on time, and may have more to say on this later, but bottom line: your highest purpose is to make sure that your son can still have solid relationships with both his mom and his dad, and that he doesn't feel like you guys are tearing him apart, asking him to take a side, declare his loyalty, etc.

[amaysngrace]

I'm jaded but my biggest concern would be your son. For all you know this guy could be a pedo and that's why he's interested in his mom.

[Radu]

This is a great point i think..

 

In my case my wife received tens of thousands from the other man... Within 2 months she is driving a new Land Rover..

 

However, she noticed I bought myself a new shirt from what happened to be Walmart.. A cotton pullover.. This bothered her.. Her comment was something like "Oh, guess you are rich,, New clothes! Good for you!" She looks me up and down head to toe and comments every single time in a jealous fashion. When i didnt return a text she turned it into "I dont know who you are with but you should reply to my texts", even though is was nothing important at all.

 

So, having said that I spoke to a female friend who told me I do not understand women... She said she has 2 sons who went through an ugly divorce, and it is very common for women to STILL try and control/want to be loved by their ex husbands.

 

So, the only way my wife can do this anymore, is through my son.. And she has done this in many ways.. She has not prevented me from seeing my son, but she always wants a reaction out of me.. Sometimes, I am dumb and do react.. As I did with the "daddy" comment.. I wonder why these women still want to control or be wanted..

 

I agree with your friend, but there is no kindness in your ex.

It's about selfishness and control, having your cake and still keeping the reins.

 

If she detects you becoming something she can't control, she will use your child to reel you in.

 

You have 2 choices here, one is to move on without appearing to move on, and the other is to just move on.

If you can, do the 1st.

[contact1]

Very sorry to hear what you are going through and agree that you should get legal action and protection right away.

 

What really caught my eye was the 25 grand your STBXW got and her mentioning about getting married in a few months. The first thought that crossed my mind, being that this guy is out of the country, is one of those paid marriages for citizenship.

 

Regardless, as others have said, it is irrelevant and you should do what you can to be best for your child.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Exactly... And here is the thing... I confronted my wife via text about why my son is mentioned "2 daddies".. She wouldn't respond.. So I called..

 

I calmly asked and she was all hyper and said " He is allowed to love whomever he wants"

 

Excuse me? So now she thinks my son "loves" this other man he just met? is that how skewed her thinking is? like anyone can be substituted for me and it all works out?

 

No, you can't be substituted. Dad or Mom is such a small name for a relationship. It's easy to take the name, it's not easy to make the relationship. Your title may be swiped, but who you are to your child, that isn't. You keep being you, your child will love you just as much and more than ever.

 

At the age of three, it's near impossible for a child to "love" somebody they barely know. Not to sound cruel, but at the age of three it's hard for some kids to actualize love to their own parents. One of our kids was never a cuddler, never a snuggler, and even by the age of three I wasn't sure if what he felt for us was love or dependence. This leads me to believe a few things:

 

1. Mom is making the kid refer to this guy as "dad"

2. The guy is buying affection for the child like he did for mom. At three, that's pretty easy to do.

3. This guy may be new to you and in a seemingly new relationship, but not really and your wife and your child have known this guy longer than you realize.

 

If you want to make a big deal out of him being called dad legally, give it a whirl. What's the worst that could happen? The judge says "leave it alone" and you're where you are right now. While the use of the name may not be abuse or alienation, her other actions could very well be. I'd get the jump on her and at least go to court over custody issues, which you can do without dealing with divorce filings (though legal separation isn't a bad idea). Honestly, I think the way she's yanking around the child and seemingly foisting relationships on him like the marriage didn't happen... That's not OK.

 

Until you take her to court, she'll keep yanking your chain with the kids.

 

When we were sorting out custody issues during the divorce, I had to go to court repeatedly to show I was fit to be around the kids. Everything from my job to my relationship with their father to, as I said, my religion was up for debate. It was a hassle, but one I was well and happy enough to do. Courts are still slanted to women, but courts are more willing to acknowledge father's rights than ever before. If you can prove you can provide the income, stable household, and the routine your child needs, plus you want to step up, don't tell her... Tell the court. Since the income that her partner has can't be used to weigh out their best interests, all she has to show is her income, her stability, and her living situation to speak of. Her income sounds uneven, the stability she's providing is obviously rocky, and the living situation is transient and new to the child.

 

Let her fight for the man, you fight for the kid.

[autumnnight]

Let her fight for the man, you fight for the kid.

 

THIS

 

So many people become obsessed with making the cheater pay that they forget the kids' stability, need for peace with at least one parent, emotional well-being, etc. is of paramount importance. It is very understandable, but it isn't good parenting. Make your son's true well being and sense of security your priority. He may only be 3 now, but as he grows he will KNOW who his daddy is no matter how many men parade through your STBX's life.