Full Circle

[Screenplay]

Man these last weeks have been ridiculous, I think i've felt more emotions in the last week alone than I thought I was capable of, and I really need to just vent and get this all off my chest.

 

About a month and a half ago I met a woman online. This in itself is not too new for me, but what made this event special was at first I thought she was crazy. I mean, not in the mental sense, but in the freedom of "do whatever, speak whatever" sense. We started off by sending emails to each other every couple days and talking on IM here and there. Sooner than later though, we were talking on the phone every evening for almost an hour, sharing everything from past experiences to our romantic fantasies. In short, we clicked pretty strong and fast. However, about three weeks ago I found out she was moving to Delaware on June 1st due to her squadron in the Air Force being redeployed. This saddened me of course, but didn't affect my wanting to be with her in the slightest. I figured, heartbreak be damned, there is noone else Id rather spend my time with, even if it might no last longer than a couple months. One week ago we went out on our first date and went and saw the Ring 2 together. Throughout the movie she kept getting frightened and I kept holding her. Afterwards she "forgot where she parked", as though we were wandering the parking lot talking I never once saw her looking at anything other than me. Even when we found it, we talked for another half hour right there in the parking lot.

 

Whenever we share really deep things about ourselves we do it via email, as we've both realized its much easier to share such things that way than to do it over the phone. One of the things she shared with me was how when she lived in Texas she fell deeply in love with this guy, and they ended up getting married. Four months in the guy suddenly had commitment issues and abruptly left her. Thursday night I sent her an email on how I felt about her and of things in general, giving her the option to either let things progress into something more (maybe something that didn't have to end on June 1st), or to let things stay as they were; both of which I was happy with.

 

The first email I got back from her was on my lunch break on Friday, where in a two-page long email she said that she simply couldn't let herself become attached in that way again knowing it could end in months, referencing to her marriage. She also said that, though my friendship has really served to heal those old wounds, she didnt want to open up again only to become hurt so quickly. We decided to stay friends for the rest of her time here, and talked on the phone for a little bit. Things were back to normal.

 

Later that evening I went to my college classes, and before the session started I checked my mail. In my inbox was another email from her, and almost immediately started off with "God, I hate doing this.. but I see it as better to just cut ties now.", "I hate that your honesty made me happy and my honesty is hurtful.", and "you are so wonderful and everything I would hope for in a guy except for 2,000 miles between us." I had prepared myself for this, I thought. I had knowingly considered this as one of the paths things could take after I told her how I felt.

 

I was wrong. In that classroom, surrounded by my classmates and instructor, I never felt so alone. I feigned being tired in order to hide the tears that were surging to my eyes. I completely understood what she said and why she said it and perfectly accept it, but it didn't make the pain hurt any less.

 

Now, Ive always been a shy person. Only just around Christmas have I broken that shell, nearly dating the local college's volleyball captain, flirting around with strangers, and trying new things both to better myself and to expand my horizons. Still, I havent been anything other than single for the last few years. In that classroom I IMed a close friend of mine, whom I've always viewed as a person who is absolutely unflinching in his social life. This is why I was suprised when he said that "man, honestly I admire just how damn fearless you are. I mean, I could never just walk up to a pretty girl and talk to her. However, I think that sometimes you think too much with your heart." True as he was about the latter part of that statement, the compliment in the former immediately smoothed out my emotions.

 

So, thats where I am now. I don't know why I'm writing this, I guess just so someone can listen and comment. I know I will be either calling or emailing her one last time just to close that book, as if I was in her shoes I would really welcome some closure after sending an email like that. Still, though Ive newly been capable of flirting around looking to start a new relationship, at the moment I just feel hollow. I lead a successful life, both in my career and in my education, but I would trade a great deal of it if I could just find that special someone to wrap my arms around at the end of the day and fall asleep in each others arms. My luck in relationships lately though seems to be hell-bent against that, with me first finding someone I liked who completely clammed up, to now finding someone who liked me in return only to have her move away. I still hold onto my confidence, stare at the final pieces of my shell fall, and have pure intentions and reasons for my relationships; I just wish my luck would change.

[whichwayisup]

Screenplay, wow that IS a sad situation...I feel for what you're going through.

 

It's great that you told her how you felt and even though she isn't ready to settle down into a relationship atleast you got the chance to experience something wonderful.

 

It will hurt and take time to work through the pain, hopefully with some closure and her honest words it will be easier than letting it end on a rough note. Sounds like she does really have feelings for you too and you understand her situation.

 

Maybe further down the line something could happen...Never say never.

 

All the best.

[Screenplay]

Yeah, I dont have any regrets for any of it, and am proud of myself for actually acting on my feelings once again. It just seems something like a heart-wrenching scene in a movie though, where two people care about each other but are ripped from each other due to circumstances beyond either's control. She can't really just up and leave the air force, and I cant really drop my career and follow her.

 

I'm glad you see what Im going through though. Though the future could hold something, I know that in reality the chances are fairly slim and I really can't entertain that thought too much. It hurts in that someone whom I've grown attached to and talked to every day suddenly wants to really cut ties, and though both of us understand and accept why since she is moving 2,000 miles on June 1st, it doesnt change the fact that she's still here, right now.

 

As much as I want to call her and talk to her right now, I know I shouldn't. Maybe to tell her that I understand, to close everything in a nice and tidy fashion, but I'm not sure if I am ready to make that call. As sappy as it may sound, I'm just not sure I would be capable of having that conversation right now, knowing that it would be the last, without breaking down in the middle of it. One questions the architect of the universe's intentions when two people are placed in such a situation.

 

*sigh* They say that feeling pain is the strongest indication that you are alive, and that heartbreak is the strongest indication that you can still feel. I just wish I didn't have firsthand knowledge of the truths to those statements.

[djones]

Hey Screenplay,

 

I read your post and it sounds so close to what I am going through right now in my life, I too wish my luck would change in relationships. I found a girl just like you we got along great and everything so wonderfull, but timeing was not right. She is busy with her work and she finally got into a program that she always wanted....it came after we started seeing each other and as time progressed she got real busy and it was wearing her down I could see it and she knew it was hurting her too. my life is busy too and our circumstances are similer and it was hurting us both that we cant see each other as much as we wanted to. So on the weekend she told me that we should remain friends and develop that freindship b/c she cant deal with a relationship now, so we leave it as that, I did not know how to deal with that do i call her to go out once in a while or talk on the phone or e-mail....She told me let her do that when she is ready or has some time she will call me, she told me just work on my self and do the things i need to do while we are apart. If she calls and i am busy she said she is not going to get made its just what it is.....Its hard for me to deal with it but i am understanding it more and more that she is not going anywhere and if we have a realtionship again thats great only time will tell...we just have to see what happens, she told me that maybe I will meet someone new and that a risk she is taking by letting me go....I know in my heart I want to be with this woman so I hope that we get back together...but like you luck is not on my side and it may be slim that we get back together....we just have to live our lives and see what happens......

 

Like you I want to call her so bad but I know its not the right thing to do, she needs this space to get her life in order just like me....I see her on MSN and I want to just say hi but I know I should not, it hurts.......I dont know when she will call me, it may not be now, next week or next month but I just have to trust her and what she has said to me, she has not lied to me in the past so I have to trust her. Just like you trust this girl maybe things will work out for all of us. I dont know whats in store for all of us but take the moment you had with that girl and keep it in your heart.....I am doing for my GF in my heart she is with me......she has tought me a lot and I just hope that we are together agian b/c I never knew how much she meant to me untill this happend to us....

 

I hope everything goes well for you, I liked what whichwayisup said never say never...maybe your girl will pop up in your life agian some day........I pray that mine does......