KinderTeacher Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 (edited) Hello, I'm new here. And I guess I'm just here to vent and seek advice. I've been married about 9 and 1/2 years. My stbxh is addicted to online dating websites. I have caught him 4 different times. He has a full profile, pictures (of him on our wedding day). I know I gave him too many chances. I have 2 children 6 and 8. And this time I've had enough. We have tried counseling. He swore he would take the sites down. He didn't want to lose his family, blah, blah, blah. And I bust him again. This time I found various messages of phone numbers being exchanged whereas the previous times the messages were just flirty. He even set up a date but didn't show up. I believe he crossed the line. And he has a very smug attitude and isn't remorseful at all. He doesn't feel like he was cheating. This attitude makes it easier for me to separate from him. This is unfixable. I can't believe I put up with it for so long. Edited January 3, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs and formatting cleanup Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 It doesn't sound like he takes you seriously when it comes to you taking action. I think you MIGHT see a change once your actions match your words. Right now he still likely thinks you will be mad but you will continue to allow his behavior. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 How do you know he didn't show up to the dates? Your husband isn't just setting up these profiles for a pen pal.. he's actively seeking an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 Yep. Enough is enough. I don't even recommend confronting infidelity anymore, well, except with divorce papers. If they show sufficient remorse (actions) after that such that you want to attempt reconciliation then great; if not, you're on the way to the divorce you need. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 BH - you know I agree here. Nothing short of being served with divorce papers gets their attention. Its the hard, hard 180 and is the best response to your cheating spouse. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 You know what they say... Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 4 times and you can pack yo shirt and git yo raggedy stank ass out my house! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 Hello, I'm new here. And I guess I'm just here to vent and seek advice. I've been married about 9 and 1/2 years. My stbxh is addicted to online dating websites. I have caught him 4 different times. He has a full profile, pictures (of him on our wedding day). I know I gave him too many chances. I have 2 children 6 and 8. And this time I've had enough. We have tried counseling. He swore he would take the sites down. He didn't want to lose his family, blah, blah, blah. And I bust him again. This time I found various messages of phone numbers being exchanged whereas the previous times the messages were just flirty. He even set up a date but didn't show up. I believe he crossed the line. And he has a very smug attitude and isn't remorseful at all. He doesn't feel like he was cheating. This attitude makes it easier for me to separate from him. This is unfixable. I can't believe I put up with it for so long. Hi, I'm so sorry you're going through this. How very selfish and immature of your husband. Some advice : - Detach from him by doing the 180 - Consult a divorce attorney to find out what the finances look like in the event of divorce - You might be better off financially if you stay married for another 6 months. Then in some states you can get part of his pension. You have to protect yourself and your children financially. - Go about your business as if he doesn't exist - Do something good for yourself, like a makeover, new outfits, new hairstyles. Basically let him know you'll be quite okay without him and he will have lost you, your current lifestyle and being able to see the children every day. Get as much custody as you can because of his wayward behaviour. You deserve so much better than the disrespectful way he's treating you. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 Hi KinderTeacher I normally purposefully avoid this section of the forum but, although the circumstances were different, you story struck a chord (not too dissimilar family circumstances, and the Internet as the main culprit), so here's mine. Stories of child abuse, neglect, financial hardship, unfair treatment from teachers and colleagues were the backdrop of the start of our relationship. My husband was only the second man I've had a meaningful relationship with and I went all in, mind, body and soul. But year after year, month after month, day after day, the mask was slowly sliding off until none of it made sense. Like you, chance after chance was given, surrendering to pleas of keeping the family whole, and one by one these chances were predictably wasted: the salvation of our relationship rested on his fidelity, the only vow he knew I could not bear to see break. Suspicions arose in our daily life, and were quickly confirmed by exchange of messages and promises of meet-ups, claimed not to have been attended, online (on social media and other benign sites) and by phone. Only of course they were all attended. Admission (although partially made) was not really sought: no details, no names, no excuses, no blame, no more chances. He was gone. Like you, enough was enough. The few weeks and months which followed were a blur of blind anger and self-loathing; trust in another man will now be compromised, and so will trust in my own judgement. When it came to make the separation official though, things were kept as amicable as possible and his role as a father was protected, for all our sakes (for fairness, expediency and most importantly, the children's interests). KinderTeacher, you put up with it for that long because you are a mother, and because you gave you trust to someone you loved: there is nothing wrong with that. Time is your ally, and so are close friends and family. Children, too, have a special talent for putting things in perspective. So no advice really but I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone, and that life on the other side is fine, too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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