Why is introversion so unattractive to women?

[anne1707]

Most people prefer to be around extroverts.

 

Do they? I know I don't and it would appear that several on this thread feel the same way as me.

[Taramere]

I don't get it. If someone honestly doesn't need friends or ritualistic social activities, wouldn't that mean they're actually stronger and more self-sufficient than people who need constant social interactions to be happy???

 

It's not so much that it's unattractive, but introverted people often have a reserve that makes others feel inhibited about getting close. I'm mildly introverted, but it varies according to who I'm around. With a friendly extrovert person I'll find it easy to be tactile - but when faced with another introvert I'll tend to keep my distance a bit.

 

I tend to find there's more likelihood of somebody who's very introverted rejecting other people's friendly overtures. Sometimes they can be just a touch too wrapped up in their own feelings/fear of rejection...to the point where they won't necessarily consider other people's feelings.

 

With introverted men, I will make a gesture of friendliness - but if it's rebuffed then I won't make a second stab at it. I suspect a lot of women would react in the same way. A lot of men on the internet who complain of problems with women seem to be especially introverted. Unfortunately a lot of the advice they give eachother seems to involve doing more of the same (ie sometimes suggesting playing somewhat juvenile "mind games", rejecting others in order to get rid of those unpleasant feelings of rejection they struggle with). At the end of the day, the most attractive people - male and female - tend to be fairly warm, open hearted and friendly. An introvert can be that sort of person too, but they do have to push themselves a bit more.

[hotpotato]

Do they? I know I don't and it would appear that several on this thread feel the same way as me.

 

Thats just on ls. In real life people prefer those who are outgoing, sociable, all that jazz.

 

Ive accepted this, and I think the op should, too. And then move on.

[anne1707]

Thats just on ls. In real life people prefer those who are outgoing, sociable, all that jazz.

 

Ive accepted this, and I think the op should, too. And then move on.

 

Last time I checked, I was a real person too. I reckon the other posters here who prefer introverts are also real life people too.

 

So how about the OP accepts the reality that some people prefer extroverts and some people prefer introverts. There is no one size fits all.

[anne1707]

I tend to find there's more likelihood of somebody who's very introverted rejecting other people's friendly overtures. Sometimes they can be just a touch too wrapped up in their own feelings/fear of rejection...to the point where they won't necessarily consider other people's feelings.

.

 

I don't think not considering feelings of others is related to being an introvert. Again I know of extroverts who are really bad at considering feelings of others and have not got a clue that others may not see the world the way they do.

[Danda]

How am I supposed to get to know an introverted guy? He won't talk to me, and since I am a plain looking, average female, he's probably not going to care much if I try to talk with him. I've tried talking to introverts before, it usually goes like this:

 

(see game design on his shirt) "Heya like you shirt."

"Thanks." (doesn't look up)

"I played that game a lot when I was a younger teen, it was awesome."

"Yeah."

.... "Well have a good day."

 

Lol and that's all she wrote. They don't get to know people and so unless you have something immediate to offer them, they don't talk with you. They can be pleasant to like, ward you off until you go away, but if you're not hot, not offering them cash or trying to do them a favor, deliver their lunch or something, they have no need for you and make it pretty clear.

 

People who simply prefer to spend Friday night making some homemade soup and watching a good movie, over getting drunk with 20 screaming people after a rave and then throwing a couch off the roof? That doesn't mean someone is an introvert in my opinion.

 

As long as they leave their home sometimes (work, shopping, library, volunteer work, whatever) and are social / receptive, then while they might not be an "extrovert" they are not an "introvert" either, just somewhere in the middle like most people.

 

Most people go out and do stuff, can be social and receptive.

Extroverts are often the life of the party, extremely social butterflies, often act like they don't know the meaning of "stranger" hehe.

Introverts make sure everyone is a stranger and stays that way.

 

IMO

[carhill]

OP, another potential is that introversion isn't so much unattractive to a subset of women, rather its manifestation renders the man, comparatively, invisible.

 

I noted an example of this recently, at a friend's 60th BD party, and reading your thread cause me to reflect on that. It's not so much that a more reflective and quiet person is unattractive, rather that, compared to the stimulation provided by the more outgoing individuals of the social milieu, they are simply overlooked, not in a mean or bad way but rather due to lack of sensory stimulation in the audience, which generally gravitates to the more active social milieu.

 

In my case, that night, I was quietly sitting in the corner with a wife of a friend whom I hadn't seen since she went through chemo for her cancers. The din was a bit much for her so we quietly caught up, essentially invisible to the rest of the goings on. Some women find that propensity in a man to be unattractive, where he doesn't seek out and hold the audience and where everyone knows his name. Fortunately, that night, there were plenty of guys to hold everyone's attention, including the friend's husband, who's quite the extrovert. I see it as different strokes and accept that some find the more quiet path to be unattractive, or invisible. That's how life goes.

[anne1707]

No Danda! What you are describing is shyness not introversion. I am an introvert who has no problem with doing a FT job, volunteering, standing up in front of 100 plus people to do a speech, etc. I like people. I love people. I do things that mean meeting new people. But I just need my quiet times.

[ThaWholigan]

People seem to have strange ideas of what constitutes as being introverted. Being introverted doesn't mean you're reserved and shy by default. It just means you need more time in solitude than others.

 

Additionally, I've never known introversion by itself to be unattractive at all.

[GravityMan]

NGC1300, if others are viewing you as weak and boring, it is not due to you being an introvert. If they explicitly state that introverts are boring then chances are they simply don't understand introversion.

 

I suspect you simply lack fun, spark and spontaneity in your life and in your interactions with women (and people in general). Spark and spontaneity have nothing to do with introversion or extroversion. To be blunt, just live a little. You may be surprised how far that may take you in improving self-confidence, building connections and attracting others.

 

Introversion isn't a problem.

 

Isolation, timidity, and passivity are a problem. One does not need to be an extrovert to show strength in social and career circles.

 

Correct. There are some very successful introverts out there who are very engaging, fun and have excellent social skills.

[Danda]

No Danda! What you are describing is shyness not introversion. I am an introvert who has no problem with doing a FT job, volunteering, standing up in front of 100 plus people to do a speech, etc. I like people. I love people. I do things that mean meeting new people. But I just need my quiet times.

 

Honestly I think what you describe about yourself just makes you normal.

 

I don't think everyone is either an introvert or an extrovert. To me those are two extremes on a spectrum. I think most people can be social and enjoy, yet will also need some downtime / alone time sometimes, as well. A good balance.

 

OP described someone not needing any friends and such, a total loner basically, the type who doesn't socialize hardly at all. That's on a very extreme end of the introvert spectrum, like a Schizoid or something. Such people are very hard if not impossible to ever get to know unless you have something to offer them frequently.

 

That is all just my understanding, anyway.

 

But you are probably right, I have probably mistaken shyness for rejection more than once, because I used to be really shy and flubbed some interactions myself lol.

[Taramere]

I don't think not considering feelings of others is related to being an introvert. Again I know of extroverts who are really bad at considering feelings of others and have not got a clue that others may not see the world the way they do.

 

No, people of various temperaments can be like that...but personally I find it easier to take when a person is inconsiderate in a sort of hale & hearty, robust way. The kind of person who doesn't take offence easily themselves, and doesn't necessarily understand others taking offence easily.

 

What I'm thinking specifically of is when a person is sensitive inasmuch as they get offended very easily, and are prone to moodiness...but don't seem to consider the possibility of others being prone to hurt in the same way that they are. I was very, very shy in my teens...with other people forever commenting on my shyness, tendency to blush etc. I had to really push myself.

 

The more I did it the easier it got. So when I encounter others who are shy and who give me a bit of the "you don't understand what it's like...it's easy for you, you find it easy to talk to strangers" etc it does annoy me. I've been there. I've been shy to an excrutiating degree. I've many times gone through the agonies of making friendly overtures only to have them rebuffed - often by fairly introverted people who are maybe a bit too taken up with their own shyness and sensitivity to contemplate the hurt they might cause to others with their behaviour.

 

I get what you're saying to Danda about shyness and introversion not being the same thing. You can be an introvert without necessarily being shy - but I do think that people who are very shy tend also to be introverts.

[endlessabyss]

I didn't realize this whole introvert/extrovert dilemma until about a few years ago, when my ex girlfriend made some brash comments about my personality.

 

 

After examining myself I found out that I was an introvert, and this could easily be spotted through my interactions with others in large groups. I also noticed, in some of my siblings, how they have the easiest time making friends, and I kind of struggle with that facet of my life.

 

 

I personally don't see introversion as a sign of weakness. All the people who bash being an introvert online are most likely introverts themselves, and are angry about being isolated/not having any success with women. Personally, I see extroverts as being weak because they are the neediest people out there; they always need someone to hold their hand through life.

 

 

I think being an introvert is a good thing because it makes me more curious about life, and makes me interested in a diverse amount of topics to explore, making life worth living.

 

 

Now that I know I am an introvert, I try to push myself in social situations, even when I feel uncomfortable doing so. There is no way to to get around this innate trait, so it's best to try and constantly improve the social aspect of your life, but not beat yourself up over not being Mr. Popular.

[anne1707]

No, people of various temperaments can be like that...but personally I find it easier to take when a person is inconsiderate in a sort of hale & hearty, robust way. The kind of person who doesn't take offence easily themselves, and doesn't necessarily understand others taking offence easily.

 

What I'm thinking specifically of is when a person is sensitive inasmuch as they get offended very easily, and are prone to moodiness...but don't seem to consider the possibility of others being prone to hurt in the same way that they are. I was very, very shy in my teens...with other people forever commenting on my shyness, tendency to blush etc. I had to really push myself.

 

The more I did it the easier it got. So when I encounter others who are shy and who give me a bit of the "you don't understand what it's like...it's easy for you, you find it easy to talk to strangers" etc it does annoy me. I've been there. I've been shy to an excrutiating degree. I've many times gone through the agonies of making friendly overtures only to have them rebuffed - often by fairly introverted people who are maybe a bit too taken up with their own shyness and sensitivity to contemplate the hurt they might cause to others with their behaviour.

 

I get what you're saying to Danda about shyness and introversion not being the same thing. You can be an introvert without necessarily being shy - but I do think that people who are very shy tend also to be introverts.

 

 

And I find the quieter person who does not appear to be so considerate than someone who is hale and hearty I feel as if the latter just rides roughshod over my feelings and those of anybody else in the vicinity.

 

I guess I probably "get" the differences being talked about here as I have always being an introvert but I also used to be shy. The shyness has gone but the introversion is just the way I am.

[Phoe]

I am introverted.

 

I am NOT shy, unsociable, anxiously controlling, or uncaring of others emotions.

[carhill]

I can give an example from my M:

 

ExW was a goer/doer. Constantly working the next social engagement. OTOH, while I enjoy socializing, have done public speaking and generally enjoy people, I simply can't go at it to that extent. Over time, this became of great frustration to her and unattractive. IMO, had we not met online, we'd probably have never run into each other and ever met at all, even if crossing paths at social engagements, not because of different styles of engagement but rather due to mutual invisibility.

 

I think a couple women here outlined the parameters pretty well....one, how to get to know a man who desires, and takes, a lot of alone time. Two, how to meet such a man in the first place, simply because the mating dance requires men to seek out and approach women, more the purview of extroverts in general. If in doubt, simply attend any social function and watch who the women gravitate to. I find wedding receptions to be wonderful in that regard. In order to pursue women with the regularity needed to find mutual attraction, a man needs to be out there, pursuing. If he's recharging his social batteries, he's not out there. He's invisible.

 

When I first read this thread, I found myself strangely drawn to a YouTube search regarding what many average folks consider to be spectacularly boring - cosmology. I thought of the millions of highly educated, insightful and creative cosmologists in the world and wondered why it was essentially one who brought the subject to the common man. Why him? Simply, he had an engaging personality and was a gifted communicator, and in sufficient volume and frequency that it made him, and cosmology, a household word. What would he say about the dimension of attraction? I'll bet it would be interesting and capture attention. That's what attraction is all about.

[Got it]

The difference between what is being discussed as Introverted/Extroverted and then shy or gregarious is about your level of Influence and your Dominance. One is not the same as the other.

 

I am high dominance and low Influence. So I am an introvert but have no issues taking center stage as needed.

 

It really does come down (introverted/extroverted) do being with people drain you or recharge your batteries.

 

My husband is an extrovert, we can be at a conference and with people all day. At the end of it, having to be "on" all day I am drained and need alone time. My husband, raring to go and feels great.

 

I can very much take charge, be in the spotlight, and lead teams in a work setting. Where I become more reserved is more generic social settings. When it is just about small talk where I lose interest.

 

My ex husband was an extreme introvert and very reserved.

 

Having a husband that is extroverted, it is hard at times getting the alone time as he doesn't get it and something we have worked out between us. We are opposite in this area so we have to compromise.

 

I tend to like, both friends and romantic, that are more introverted but higher dominance, or extroverted but lower dominance. I do not like people who have to be the center of attention all the time and need a lot of engagement/attention. I find them to be very needy.

 

So, you may think people are extroverted but what it may actually be are people who are higher dominance.

 

If you are low influence and low dominance you are going to be someone that is very reserved, very introverted, someone that is going to be less like to take charge, but tends to be a good listener and is more judicious on their wording.

 

A person that is high influence but low dominance is someone that is going to be about people, interested in getting people to a common goal but this combination tends to be conflict avoidant and passive aggressive.

 

A person who is low influence, high dominance, is someone that will take charge, can be assertive but because they are low influence is not always going to focus on that people piece and can be too assertive on what they thing is the right idea and not listen to what others want.

 

A person that is high dominance and high influence is someone that can be assertive, very focused on people, very gregarious, but can be too strong with what they think is the right way to do someone and can be bullying.

 

(for more information research DISC analysis)

[NGC1300]

To be blunt, just live a little. You may be surprised how far that may take you in improving self-confidence, building connections and attracting others.

 

When I was living with my parents I had extra money to "live a little". I got a pilot certificate and would rent planes and fly them. I went skeet shooting. I had more money for passions.

 

People claimed moving out would be a positive experience, claiming it would build confidence. I haven't noticed any of that, only that I have less free money now.

 

I would move back in, but then I'd just be further ridiculed by society for not being a "man".

[Taramere]

And I find the quieter person who does not appear to be so considerate than someone who is hale and hearty I feel as if the latter just rides roughshod over my feelings and those of anybody else in the vicinity.

 

The boss in my workplace is like that. We've had our clashes, but the thing I like about her is that I can laugh at her/dish back some of what she gives out, and she takes it in good part. It's just easier than some work situations I've experienced where a lot of tension can develop as a result of lots of people of a sensitive disposition having to work together.

 

What I find with the more brash, inconsiderate types is that if I explain to them why there's a problem with their behaviour they often will listen - and they'll tend to be more interested/intrigued by the feedback than offended. A former boss of mine was like that. She could be awful with staff, and it got to the point where a very sensitive secretary was more or less paralysed by fear. My boss was bitching about the secretary to me, and complaining "she puts your work to the top of the pile, but you're not the one who pays her wages. I am!" I suggested that the secretary was doing my work first because she wasn't afraid of what would happen if she got it wrong - whereas the fear of being yelled at by the boss for making a mistake was likely making her procrastinate.

 

To be fair to her, the boss listened to that and was very much "I'd never considered it that way. Okay, I'll try to be a bit more careful about how I talk to her." And that's the plus of people like that. You can challenge them, and they'll tend to listen. It's probably just my particular experience. I've had my problems with people of that personality type of course, but I do tend to find that when those difficulties are overcome I can work very well and effectively with them....and I definitely would prefer to be with a man who had that personality. I think people like that bring out the better side of me.

[Got it]

What also plays a factor with all of this is not just their behavioral style but also one's thinking style. So if one is more geared to being practical or structured and not a personal, they are focusing on either short term or long term strategy and not the people piece.

 

There are strengths in EVERY assessment and every personality style, it is understanding your strengths, knowing your biases and blind spots and working on highlighting your strengths and when to rely on others in your areas of opportunity.

[Got it]

When I was living with my parents I had extra money to "live a little". I got a pilot certificate and would rent planes and fly them. I went skeet shooting. I had more money for passions.

 

People claimed moving out would be a positive experience, claiming it would build confidence. I haven't noticed any of that, only that I have less free money now.

 

I would move back in, but then I'd just be further ridiculed by society for not being a "man".

 

Why listen to others? Were you happier living with your parents? Were you more confident, relaxed, less stress? If that is the case, move back in.

 

Use your strengths and ignore unsolicited feedback. Who cares what people say? If they aren't a close and trusted person then ignore it. Everyone has an opinion. The more unhappy and unfulfilled the more the person will look towards other for ego boosts and validation.

[SpiralOut]

Being introverted does not make one boring or weak. I've met several extraverts who bored me to death because they don't pay attention to their audience. They choose a topic and dominate the conversation with it, sometimes not noticing that other people aren't acting interested, or they won't allow other people to speak. So we all get stuck sitting there for 10 minutes while one person talks to themselves and everyone else yawns and waits for it to finish. Just because someone is extraverted doesn't automatically mean they have good social skills.

 

 

Both introverts and extraverts can have good or bad social skills. That's what will make you seem boring or interesting.

[somedude81]

Essentially introverted men are not exciting and entertaining for women.

 

If a guy is introverted and only average in looks he will be ignored by the vast majority of women.

[anne1707]

Essentially introverted men are not exciting and entertaining for women.

 

If a guy is introverted and only average in looks he will be ignored by the vast majority of women.

 

Have you read the responses from women in this thread SD? Many prefer introverts.

[oldshirt]

What real significance is there in how many friends I have? I don't have time for friends because I enjoy my hobbies. If a woman needs me to have friends, it would just mean she's looking to further some aspect of her lifestyle by dating me.

 

Hate to break it to ya but ALL women date men to further their lifestyle. That's why they date and associate with men at all in the first place.

 

If a guy can't improve a woman's life in some significant manner, she isn't going to give him the time of day. He's just another man that wants to get laid and there are 3 billion more just like him out there.