hurtand confessed Posted March 27, 2005 Share Posted March 27, 2005 I will try to make this short. I have been married for 24 years to my husband. We had a very close and honest relationship. That is until about a month age, he is a nurse and works with alot of women and I have always trusted him, did not have a reason not to. Recently he has become close friends with one particular woman co-worker. She is single and my husband ask me if he could help her with a few things around the house that she needed done. I saw no problem with it because I trusted him. Shortly after that he began to be missing for hours, found her number on the phone bill and they had been talking for hours-daily. I told him that it needed to stop, but it continued. They were having an emtional affair. Three days ago he told me that he was in love with her, but was also in love with me. He did not mean for this to happen. I actually think she thought it was a friendship until the other day. He confessed and told me the truth. She has feeing for him but has made it perfectly clear to him that their relationship can only be a friendship. She does not want to cause that kind of hurt and pain on another person. They work together, he has agreed to stop the whole thing and stay with me. But he was willing to risk it all to be with her, without realizing she didn't want the same thing...just a friendship. Has anyone been through similar situation? I need some advice. Our marriage will never be the same again. I don't know if I will stay with him. He swears that they were never sexual involved. I am emontional devasted and it will take a long time to trust him again, if ever. Thanks for your advice. Link to post Share on other sites
DandyBo Posted March 27, 2005 Share Posted March 27, 2005 Hmm.... It's a pretty tough one to crack madam. Sorry if my question might hurt you, do you have a child? Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 27, 2005 Share Posted March 27, 2005 Dear Hurtand Confessed, things like that happen in marriage. You've been blessed with a husband who's been faithful to you all these 24 years. His sudden honesty proves it. Of course, he is not in love with her. he is trying to drag your attention to him. He was only infatuated. Perhaps if she was into him also, your marriage would have changed, but basically this is something you should have never found out about. Try to not think about it and get over it. refresh your sex life cuz with men it always starts with sex. It's just a sexual desire and nothing else. All the emotional part came from that point. Relax and don't think about it. Show some understanding and your husband will appreciate it and feel guilty. After all, it was only a desire. So many men are real dogs and cheat on their wives right after the wedding day. He just needs some attention from you. Forget it! Forgive him! It's no big deal. He got his portion of cheating without even cheating on you. After her, "other women" will seem not so warm and exciting, because she wasn't interested in him. He realized who the right one is. You're not going to divorce because he desired another woman, will you? All men do, but we don't find out ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted March 27, 2005 Share Posted March 27, 2005 Emotional affairs are painful. It hurts to know that the one you love stopped loving you....and gave his heart to someone else. It makes you feel like you're living with a stranger, and you just don't know what that person might be capable of. He's told you alot of lies, and you don't know if you can ever believe anything he says again. The good news is that NONE of that is really true. There's a hole in him somewhere, a void that needs filling. It has nothing whatsoever to do with you. There's something missing in him. The trick is to find out what that "something" is. Sometimes, it's depression, or mid-life crisis. These are things that he can talk to his medical doctor about. Sometimes, it's a matter of not having his needs met at home in the family structure. It's not always easy to identify the other person's needs, and you two might need help with that. Consider getting into marriage counseling. After 24 years, almost everyone could do with a little tune-up for their relationship. I know it hurts alot. But try really hard not to make it about you. It's difficult to do that, believe me. But your success depends on finding out what was broken in HIM, that made him turn to someone else. When you address whatever problems he is having, everything else will sort itself out. Post here often. It's quiet on the weekends, but it'll make you feel better to get it out. Link to post Share on other sites
sylviaguardian Posted March 27, 2005 Share Posted March 27, 2005 Dear Hurt and confessed, I am sorry for your pain. It is so hurtful to realise that a person that we thought was there for us only, had feelings for someone else. I have been on this site a while and I have read a bit. Whilst I would not dismiss this lightly, there are things in your situation that make me think that you have a really good chance. The first is the length of time you've been together before he did anything. Don't blow all the years you have been married on a temporary infatuation. When people are in this state, they are driven by chemicals, by the knowledge that they are attractive etc. They don't think rationally. The fact that your confessed shows to me that he has a lot of respect and love for you. Read some of the stories on this site and you will see how the majority of people in affairs will go to any length to hide the truth. The only people on this site who confessed to their spouses were truly remorseful and guilt-stricken and they went on to make the relationship better. At the moment you are devastated and think you will never trust him again. It will take a long time but don't give up hope. Sylvia Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 28, 2005 Share Posted March 28, 2005 Sorry you're here friend. But, just a suggestion...take a look at my thread, or the one by Sysyphus. Both of us are/have dealt with emotional affairs like you're dealing with now. The advice you've gotten so far is good. Keep posting...it helps! Link to post Share on other sites
LoveOneAnother Posted March 29, 2005 Share Posted March 29, 2005 Oh no! Im so sorry you have to feel this pain right now. Im very proud of that other woman for being so considerate of your feelings. Im not too sure of what to say to you, but I do feel that marriage counseling is the best first step. Good luck to you both Link to post Share on other sites
teressa0397 Posted April 3, 2005 Share Posted April 3, 2005 look i'll give you some advise. your husband has cheated it will never be the same with you all. he will promised you he won't do it again once he cheated he will alway's cheat. evey time you go to bed with him you will be thinking of the other women the affair he had, you can try with your husband but i don't think it's going to work he has done the damage and broke your heart. see i had an affair i no. good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
evian Posted April 3, 2005 Share Posted April 3, 2005 I'm sorry you're going through this. But I think your marriage has a very good chance of making it. He probably feels embarrassed by what he's done, and this might just be the kick he needed to re-commit to your relationship. I'm speaking from the perspective of someone who has had a 7-year platonic friendship with a man who, last week, told me he had deeper feelings for me. (He's been married for about 20 years.) I've told him I'm not interested in changing the level of our relationship. I am angry with him for putting me in this position. I am stepping back and will only be willing to continue the friendship once he and his wife are back on track, and even then, only if his wife is part of our friendship. I know he knows it was a dumb thing to have done, and that he has potentially ruined two relationships. However, I think, because the situation was nipped in the bud, he and wife stand a very good chance of working things out. I know that's what I want for them. (I just posted a thread on this yesterday, and got some good advice from the people here.) I think the same holds true for you. Really, unless both he and the woman felt the same way about their relationship, there's not much that could have happened between them...no kissing or making out or hand-holding or even the two of them dreaming about "their" future. It really is all in his head -- a crush, and nothing more -- you can think of it as if he was obsessed with a movie star. If she had been into it, the situation would be different. But with what you described, it was probably just filling a need for conversation and attention. I think in this situation, he should have kept it to himself. He's put you in the position of either forgiving him, and feeling like you're letting him get away with something...or not forgiving him, and feeling like the nasty untrusting wife when he's being so "honest" with you. It's not fair to you. He should feel stupid and remorseful, and put his focus on you and on making you feel better. Obviously, he has some issues that he needs to deal with. Now it's up to him to find a way to prove to you that you can trust him to talk things out with you when he needs attention. It will take time, but I really think this is something that the two of you can get through, if that's what you want. I wish you the best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
I Survived Posted April 4, 2005 Share Posted April 4, 2005 Dear hurtand confessed I read through your thread and I could identify with so much. I think the person who gave you the best advice so far is Ladyjane14. My husband had an emotional affair (internet and phone) with a woman from the town he grew up in. Every day I thank the Lord that she was 700 miles away. I know it would have become physical. My husband and I are now on the other side of the whole mess and I can tell you that we a closer and stronger than ever. It was a huge wake up call for both of us. He did have something missing in his life. We talked more about us, our relationship, our needs, and feelings than ever before. We went to a marriage counselor and she was great. Your husband THINKS he loves her and I know personally how much that hurts you. You can be thankful that he told you because it gives you the chance to fix it. It will take time for you to trust him again. I also could not believe my husband could do what he did. I was so secure in our marriage but he didn't communicate his pain and feeling of lonliness to me until I discovered HER. My husband is ashamed of what he did and he says he will spend the rest of his life making sure I know how much he loves me. It has been 10 months since I found out about his "affair". At the beginning it's crazy - but keep talking and you'll be fine. DON'T BE AFRAID TO ASK THE QUESTIONS. Everyone makes mistakes, honey. Some are bigger than others. You will mend and you will also find yourself and be okay. Keep posting, we're here for you. I've got plenty of advice and experience - and it's free. It might help you to get Dr. Phil's book RELATIONSHIP RESCUE! Good luck. Still Hurting Link to post Share on other sites
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