Regret leaving him...

[Kayann]

I left him, my job and our home just to get away from him. Now I seriously regret it. I live for his text or phone calls. I've moved to another state but I cannot get him out of my mind, my heart. He's an alcoholic and I suffer with manic depression. When I left him, I was an inch away from a total break down. It happened when I tried to go back to my home state and even stayed with him for awhile while I was trying to get treatment and heal. He continued to drink but tried to be good to me and help me saying, "you've always been there for me, so I want to be here for you". He only caused me more despair when he drank, which he did every night. I left, once again, to stay with a friend. I got much worse with my mental issues and ended up moving again to another state to live with my again father and get help. Now I long for my life back, every single day. Many days have been spent crying endlessly.

No contact? I can't (or won't) do that. I live from text or phone call to text or phone call. He always asks me if I'm better, tells me to get better and reminds me how "hard" it was to live with me. He did call shortly after I got to my father's house and said, "you're the best thing that ever happened to me, I want us back together when you get well, etc." He hasn't said anything like that since. I suspect he was drinking and at a weak moment.

Too much happened with us throughout our 10 yr relationship to write about here. I would really appreciate any feedback or advice.

Thank you....broken hearted and regretful.

[evanescentworld]

You're co-dependent, which is unhealthy.

You need to speak to a doctor and request s/he refer you to a Counsellor/therapist.

 

Going No Contact will have to be your option, but if you are too dependent and addicted to his presence in your life, then going Cold Turkey right now may be harmful.

You should wean yourself off gradually, because in your - and his - current state, you're holding each other back and doing yourselves no good at all.

 

You both need psychological support.

 

Get some.

[coolheadal]

Not much you can do, because he drinks and that's what he wants to do is drink. Can't stop him from drinking, because it has become a habit for him to drink. As his wife you have become depress over his drinking and can't stand-it anymore so what did you do?. You moved out, move to another state, but you miss him? So you break the NC rules and keep in touch with him still. But you don't miss the drinking part when he's drunk and wasted. Remember that is still going on while your away from him. It's him + drink + drunk + you + depression.

 

Now this is how life was prior. Now you want to go back to it? Your cast is different with NC so you can communicate with sober husband, but not with the drunken husband. Because now you have two different type of husbands in one: (sober and drunk). Life is so complex but only if he could give up the habit. Of course if he keeps drinking like this his kidney's will fail and then life will be really tough for him. 5 year wait on kidney donor program if he does meet the requirements.

 

I have close friend whose going through this also. His wife is like you depressed. But she didn't leave him, but she wanted too! I told her to stay and be supportive. There where some near misses with him in ICU, because he still had tried to take a drink. That was stopped in time. I am sure your husband wouldn't want to go through all of that. When you text him try to reach the husband you feel in love with before all this drinking has started. He needs to know what would happen if he doesn't stop drinking.

 

You need to take your med for depression and pull yourself together. If you want your husband back then get him the help he needs to get off the drinking other wise nothing will every change in your marriage.

[Kayann]

You're co-dependent, which is unhealthy.

You need to speak to a doctor and request s/he refer you to a Counsellor/therapist.

 

Going No Contact will have to be your option, but if you are too dependent and addicted to his presence in your life, then going Cold Turkey right now may be harmful.

You should wean yourself off gradually, because in your - and his - current state, you're holding each other back and doing yourselves no good at all.

 

You both need psychological support.

 

Get some.

 

I am in therapy now and continue to take my meds as prescribed. It's getting better and then worse again every day. It's not a consistent recovery at all. Thank you for your feedback, this is all really helping me.

[Kayann]

Not much you can do, because he drinks and that's what he wants to do is drink. Can't stop him from drinking, because it has become a habit for him to drink. As his wife you have become depress over his drinking and can't stand-it anymore so what did you do?. You moved out, move to another state, but you miss him? So you break the NC rules and keep in touch with him still. But you don't miss the drinking part when he's drunk and wasted. Remember that is still going on while your away from him. It's him + drink + drunk + you + depression.

 

Now this is how life was prior. Now you want to go back to it? Your cast is different with NC so you can communicate with sober husband, but not with the drunken husband. Because now you have two different type of husbands in one: (sober and drunk). Life is so complex but only if he could give up the habit. Of course if he keeps drinking like this his kidney's will fail and then life will be really tough for him. 5 year wait on kidney donor program if he does meet the requirements.

 

I have close friend whose going through this also. His wife is like you depressed. But she didn't leave him, but she wanted too! I told her to stay and be supportive. There where some near misses with him in ICU, because he still had tried to take a drink. That was stopped in time. I am sure your husband wouldn't want to go through all of that. When you text him try to reach the husband you feel in love with before all this drinking has started. He needs to know what would happen if he doesn't stop drinking.

 

You need to take your med for depression and pull yourself together. If you want your husband back then get him the help he needs to get off the drinking other wise nothing will every change in your marriage.

 

I can't imagine going back to him right now. I do miss him horribly, but since he's still drinking, it's just not an option. He's already spent time in the hospital, 2 time prison stays, lost everything and still drinks.

I take my meds as prescribed and I see a therapist weekly. He called last night and went on telling me how hard it was to live with me and he didn't think we'd ever be back together. He's said all this before, but then says I'm the best thing that ever happened to me and he loves me. His drinking causes all of these different feelings, I know that. Sober he's the sweetest man I know, drunk, he's a monster.

PS I'm new here and still getting to know the site. Pardon me if I'm awkward in my replies.

[Satu]

Your entire focus should be on your mental health.

 

Everything else is less important.

[Kayann]

He called last night and went on and on about how hard it was to live with me. I'm not perfect and I'm sure at times I wasn't the easiest person to live with. The stress of coming home to find him drunk, or him leaving after getting drunk and telling me it's over, or calling me names, etc., all came back to me and I remembered why I left in the first place. His drinking was/is more important than me. He works everyday, stays sober for work, but never for me/us. I'm glad he called because it reminded me and sort of refreshed my memories. I tend to forget the bad and focus on the good when I'm away from him. We've broken up before and each time it's just as painful. We didn't live together for 8 yrs. because of his drinking. I would visit him, or he would visit me on weekends as long as he wasn't drinking too much. If it started, I would leave or (if he was at my place) i would ask him to leave. He'd always agree, saying that he didn't want to hurt me and if I stayed while he drank too much, he would end up hurting me.

When he called last night, I mostly just listened to him degrade me and told him that he was being hurtful and I fully understood how he felt. I told him I was sorry for anything I'd done to hurt him. He did the same and we said goodbye. I do expect him to call again and I'm going to try to not answer his text or his calls.

He says he's 52 and done with women. He's had all the drama from that he wants. He's a loner, etc. blah, blah, blah. I've heard it all so many times.

[Kayann]

Your entire focus should be on your mental health.

 

Everything else is less important.

 

I do agree with you and at the same time, I feel broken hearted yet again. IT does get in the way of my focusing on my own mental health. His call last night left me tearful and aching, not for him, but for the pain he caused me in the past and still.

[evanescentworld]

I am in therapy now and continue to take my meds as prescribed. It's getting better and then worse again every day. It's not a consistent recovery at all. Thank you for your feedback, this is all really helping me.

 

Do you know why it's an inconsistent recovery?

Because you are still in touch with him.

He rocks your boat and unsteadies your life.

 

I'm sorry - I know you said in your original post that you could not (would not?) go No Contact - but seriously, if you are to make any logical headway towards your own recovery, this is what you absolutely, IMPERATIVELY have to do.

 

You know, I know a guy who lost both legs in a motor accident.

 

He now walks - with prosthetic legs - so well, that to see him, you would never know he has no lower limbs.

Yet the pain, the agony, the physical near-torture he had to endure, to train himself to walk again, took efforts of heroic proportions. He would succumb to physiotherapy and the tears of agony would stream down his face.

His therapist did her best to ease his pain and discomfort, but he - stubborn as a mule, and as resolute as the ant and rubber-tree-plant - refused, ever, to ease up.

 

He had to go through the pain, to come out the other side.

 

And in exactly the same way, you have to push through the pain-barrier of No Contact, to heal, and triumph.

 

It's going to be hard, but if you don't do it, you will remain an emotional cripple for far longer than you ever need to be.

In fact, you may never completely heal at all....

[Kayann]

Do you know why it's an inconsistent recovery?

Because you are still in touch with him.

He rocks your boat and unsteadies your life.

 

I'm sorry - I know you said in your original post that you could not (would not?) go No Contact - but seriously, if you are to make any logical headway towards your own recovery, this is what you absolutely, IMPERATIVELY have to do.

 

You know, I know a guy who lost both legs in a motor accident.

 

He now walks - with prosthetic legs - so well, that to see him, you would never know he has no lower limbs.

Yet the pain, the agony, the physical near-torture he had to endure, to train himself to walk again, took efforts of heroic proportions. He would succumb to physiotherapy and the tears of agony would stream down his face.

His therapist did her best to ease his pain and discomfort, but he - stubborn as a mule, and as resolute as the ant and rubber-tree-plant - refused, ever, to ease up.

 

He had to go through the pain, to come out the other side.

 

And in exactly the same way, you have to push through the pain-barrier of No Contact, to heal, and triumph.

 

It's going to be hard, but if you don't do it, you will remain an emotional cripple for far longer than you ever need to be.

In fact, you may never completely heal at all....

 

I've just been journal-ling about that. I've done some reading about no contact and I know it's necessary for me and my well being. Today is day one and I'm getting such great support here and from my family. The contact is almost always painful and I end up in tears and honestly I'm getting tired of it. When he called last night, it reminded me of why I left in the first place. He degrades and demeans me and yet I still want to talk to him? It makes no sense. No contact makes perfect sense. I know it will be hard, of course.

Thank you for your response! I need all the support I can get.

[evanescentworld]

You most certainly have it here, and I am so glad that you have great support around you.

If I may suggest, try to not wallow.

 

By all means vent and express your sadness, but 2 things, then:

 

1) Warn people you may get repetitive, so you would like to ask them to snap you out of it, if justifiable sadness and grief turn into self-pity and whinging and

 

2) Every time you vent, seek something good, wonderful and positive about yourself, or do something to pamper yourself, even if it just means buying a new lipstick!

 

Always look to the good. It's all there, by the bucketload...

[Kayann]

You most certainly have it here, and I am so glad that you have great support around you.

If I may suggest, try to not wallow.

 

By all means vent and express your sadness, but 2 things, then:

 

1) Warn people you may get repetitive, so you would like to ask them to snap you out of it, if justifiable sadness and grief turn into self-pity and whinging and

 

2) Every time you vent, seek something good, wonderful and positive about yourself, or do something to pamper yourself, even if it just means buying a new lipstick!

 

Always look to the good. It's all there, by the bucketload...

 

Thanks for the heads up. I may get repetitive, I may dive into self pity, or whining, I may not seek something good, etc. And I would appreciate being called on each of those things.

Here's a good thing; he called this morning and I rejected the call. Felt pretty good. Now I need to figure out how to block his calls and text. I'm not yet familiar with my "smart" phone.

[evanescentworld]

Never be afraid to ask for help.

If there's something on my smartphone I don't understand, usually my 4-year-old grandson will sort it out for me!

 

You can download an app called 'textblocker' (it's free) and the logo looks like a red shield with a phone receiver in a white circle, with a diagonal line through it. Put his number in and you will never even know he has called....

Delete all details off the phone after you have done that. Send his emails straight to trash, and block or filter them out....

You are doing really great!

Amazing progress!

You've gone from can't or won't go No Contact, to refusing a call in such a short time!! Well done you!

[Kayann]

Thank you so much! The support on here is amazing. I'm so glad I found this site, again. I was on here years ago with much the same issues, and the same man! Believe it or not, I seem to have a pattern here. I know it and I am so grateful for the feedback I get on here.

And thanks for the info about blocking his number. I'll try that right away.

: )

[Jewels7]

If you have an iPhone it is really easy to do. I don't know how to with Droids though.

 

As for the regretting leaving him? That's a normal feeling I think. I felt that when I left my abusive ex 8 months ago. I still have really hard moments where I want to go back but I know that I can't. NC is truly the only way in situations like these. Two books I recommend are "codependent no more" and "The No Contact Rule"

[Kayann]

Thank you. I do have an android phone, I'm still trying. I read codependent no more years ago, maybe it's time to read it again, huh? There's another good one that I read a few years ago, it's called Don't Call That Man. I sent it off to a friend in the same boat. Thanks for the message and suggestions!

[Kayann]

I just bought Don't Call That Man. It's written by a psychotherapist who went through a painful break up. I'm really looking forward to getting it. It really helped me out in the past.

[evanescentworld]

Kayann, I think you have adopted the very good mind-set for this situation.

I'm only guessing here, but it seems to me that with every step you are taking towards self-empowerment, you are feeling stronger and more confident, because you can see your independence, far more clearly than before.

 

Separating yourself from him, was a very wise step; the steps you are taking now, are giving you more resolve to continue and the book(s) you mention, can only assist and support you positively.

 

How are you feeling?

I'm sure you still miss him (or parts of him) but I get the impression you are gaining great satisfaction from what you have achieved so far, and this success is fuelling your desire to improve....

[Kayann]

I am still missing him and allow tears to fall when it's necessary. I can't wait to get the book I ordered. I know it's going to be so helpful. I miss everything about him except the drinking him. I have a few friends that remind me how miserable I was just before I left him and for many months before that. They are really helpful and supportive too. I can say I still have regrets, but that's mostly over giving up my whole life just to leave a part of it. I miss my job and my home. I think I'm doing ok, given the circumstances.

Thanks for responding and your support!

[Kayann]

He sent me a text the other night saying,

 

" I have to be real, I don't need a woman who tries to control me like you did. You can't even control yourself. When you find the need inside of yourself to not call me, know that I will always love you more than anyone has ever loved me or you. "

 

I have no idea what that means and I'm sure he was drunk. He may not even remember sending it. I did not reply. What would I say to that? Nothing.

[evanescentworld]

It sounds like a veiled hint that he's expecting you to "crack" and call him... You are, of course, doing exactly the right thing....

[Kayann]

It's hard, but worth it. Texting or talking to him only brings me back to square one. I still miss him but I think that's natural after ten years. No contact is the best I can do right now.

Thanks for your comment,

Karen

[evanescentworld]

I'm just amazed at how well you are coping.

I truly think you are marvellous.

No really, I do.

 

When you read your first post, of just a few days ago, and compare the sentiments you expressed then, to what you are saying now....

 

...Well, honey, you are just a blast!!

[Kayann]

It sounds like a veiled hint that he's expecting you to "crack" and call him... You are, of course, doing exactly the right thing....

 

No contact is the right thing to do and I do feel a little better, but it's so very hard to do. I want to text but I have no idea what I would say, it's crazy. I'd love to hear his voice, but it would only be more accusations and criticism. I have no idea why I'm so obsessed with him when he treated me so badly off and on for the last ten years. I guess it's just the time I was with him, hard to get used to him not being there. I think I even miss my home and my job more than I miss him, still, honestly....I would like to get a text or a call. They usually reminded me why I left in the first place. :/

[Kayann]

I'm just amazed at how well you are coping.

I truly think you are marvellous.

No really, I do.

 

When you read your first post, of just a few days ago, and compare the sentiments you expressed then, to what you are saying now....

 

...Well, honey, you are just a blast!!

 

Wow, thank you! I don't feel marvelous. I feel like crap; lonely, hoping for something from him, missing him, wondering why I left in the first place, etc. It's silly that I miss him, I know that. But I just do and the sound of his voice just really sends me. Then he starts with the criticism, the blaming and telling me not to look into the future and see him there. I don't want to hear any of that again. The last time I did, I cried for a few hours, then I realized, again, why I left. Still, no contact is best. My head knows that but my heart does not. It truly sucks.