evanescentworld Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 How do I change the ringtone to something like that? I just went through some of my old journals, this has been going one since 2007, 8 years! I was on loveshack.com back then. He was doing the same things, I was doing no contact, etc., etc. I'm so sick of it and I ended up with nothing just to get away from him. Living with my father, all I own are my clothes, I really see no way out for a home of my own and a life again. I'm feeling sorry for myself but it really is very bleak for me. I don't know my way around, I isolate here with my 82 yr old father. My oldest son is going to be in town and he hasn't spoken to me in ten years. I was told he'd changed his mind and wanted a visit with me where I would get to meet my grandkids and then just yesterday I was told he'd changed him mind again and doesn't want to see me. Well, that was it. I fell apart. This was before I tried to call Jess and got no answer. I felt rejected and still do. I hate this. I know it will get better, but right now, I hate it. no, not the ringtone. Change his 'name' to drunken scuzzbag who's trying to drag me back in, but will never succeed.!" There are some great ringtones you can download, but you'll probably have to pay for them. Two that spring to mind, are the obvious Gloria Gaynor's "I will Survive" and my favourite by , which I can never, but ever, resist dancing to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 Oh ! His name. I can do that. I will do that. Thanks for replying to this so quickly. I cried most of yesterday and the tears are coming again this morning. I will get past this. I have therapy today and the only problem is I think one hour may not be enough. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 I did it. I changed it to He Doesn't Love You. I like that one better. I've been telling him that I didn't think he loved me for a long time, based on the way he treated me, I just didn't call that love. He would get mad and tell me that I didn't believe him. He doesn't know how to love, has no idea that love includes trust, respect and admiration. He had none of those for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 I did it. I changed it to He Doesn't Love You. I like that one better. I've been telling him that I didn't think he loved me for a long time, based on the way he treated me, I just didn't call that love. He would get mad and tell me that I didn't believe him. He doesn't know how to love, has no idea that love includes trust, respect and admiration. He had none of those for me. So when he calls, I'll be reminded every time that he doesn't love me. There's no hope, no going back. I'll remember all the times he criticized me and called me names. I love this! Thank you again. Posting on here really helps me, thank you, thank you, thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Sadhu, Sadhu, sadhu. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 15, 2015 Author Share Posted January 15, 2015 I did it again, I called him. I told him that I missed him and he said, I know honey, I miss you too, love you, bye. He was at work. I felt better after I called him, but an hour later it kicked in. I should have found something else to do instead of call him. Too much time on my hands is not anyway to fight this thing. I've gotta find something to do. It's off to the craft store for me. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Remember that feeling. Remember how hollow and lost it makes you feel. Remember how it's really not a nice feeling, and that it sets you back. Then, remind yourself of that feeling, and its pointlessness, the next time you feel tempted. You poor thing. (((hugs!!))) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 I tried, really I did. I do think if I were busier it would be easier for me. I live with my aging father and I'm not working right now. It's very frequently quiet around here, very quiet. I don't know my way around and honestly don't feel confident enough to venture out there alone. I see a therapist once a week and a Dr once a month for meds. My Dad and I go grocery shopping and I know my way to the Goodwill store, but that's about it for outings. I'm afraid I still fantasize about us being together again, probably because we've been apart before. But I know, I really know that we can't be together again. It does set me back and I'm at square one today. I've got some company coming from Texas today and he will be here a week. He's a good friend and I've known him a long time. He's really very, very supportive and it helps a lot. We're going in to Denver to a museum and to Evergreen to see his sister. I don't know what else will do but I think this visit will help a lot. Thank you for you feedback!! I needed that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 My company from Texas is here and it's been great, but it does make me miss Texas more. And my ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Jewels7 Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 That's normal. It really is. I have certain friends that make me miss my ex more whenever I hang out with them, and certain things like UFC (which I hated and my ex loved) that make me miss him more when I hear something about it. It sucks. Just one day at a time is all you can do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 That's normal. It really is. I have certain friends that make me miss my ex more whenever I hang out with them, and certain things like UFC (which I hated and my ex loved) that make me miss him more when I hear something about it. It sucks. Just one day at a time is all you can do. Thank you. My company left early because I was too nervous about his driving to go anywhere. We did go to a few places the first and second day, but his driving was really bad and I was afraid. He got angry and left early. I was glad he left. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 That's normal. It really is. I have certain friends that make me miss my ex more whenever I hang out with them, and certain things like UFC (which I hated and my ex loved) that make me miss him more when I hear something about it. It sucks. Just one day at a time is all you can do. Thank you!! He's gone now, left early. It was mostly my request, but he wanted to go anyway. I realized, while he was here, that my fantasies about going back were not going to happen, at least not for a long, long tie. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 22, 2015 Author Share Posted January 22, 2015 That's normal. It really is. I have certain friends that make me miss my ex more whenever I hang out with them, and certain things like UFC (which I hated and my ex loved) that make me miss him more when I hear something about it. It sucks. Just one day at a time is all you can do. One day at a time, or one minute at a time. Somehow it does get better. Thank you for your reply. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 Good idea. Pace yourself. Give yourself little goals. "I'm going to get through today, until 2pm with a smile on my face. I WILL wear a smile, go out for a walk, and greet every person I meet, cheerfully. At 2pm, I'll review and see how I feel." You'll see. These "Well, I'm still here!" moments will get further and further apart, the more positively you approach the day. Make sure that the first thing you see, brings a smile to your face. Buy a calendar (just an example) with positive monthly/weekly/daily messages on it, and write something positive you accomplish, each day. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
blackcat777 Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 I was really inspired by someone's Facebook happiness challenge. I didn't post anything, but I took on the mental practice of noting little things that made me happy during the day: nice autumn weather with beautiful leaves, helping someone who stopped me to ask for directions, receiving a compliment from a stranger on a piece of jewelry I made. Over time, appreciating those moments and looking to the positive, and therefore feeling better, became more automatic. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 22, 2015 Author Share Posted January 22, 2015 Just wanted to say "thank you" to everyone of you who have supported me in my journey. I think today has been a lot better. I got to see my son, whom I had not seen in 13 yrs., his wife and 2 beautiful grandchildren I had not yet met. If' I hadn't have been where I am, this day would not have happened. I am so grateful. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 I'm glad you had a great day. It must have been so full of good things! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 23, 2015 Author Share Posted January 23, 2015 I used to think, "God, I miss him so much! Could this get any worse?" Yep, it can. Link to post Share on other sites
Jewels7 Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 You'll feel worse before you feel better. Just hang in there. Take it one day at a time. If that's too much take it an hour at a time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 24, 2015 Author Share Posted January 24, 2015 I'm reading Codependent No More and boy and I codependent! It's hard to read for me. I can only read a few pages at a time. It's really hitting home. And I called him last night, just to hear his voice. He was kind, we chatted for a bit, nothing heavy and then lost the connection. He sent a text saying he'd call me back and he was happy for me that I got to see my son. I'm trying and I'm doing things that keep me back or from healing. ugh. I'm good and fine, I'm sad and lonely, good and fine, sad and lonely. These are the stages I suppose. I'll make it in time, I just know it. I have a lot ahead of me, good and not so good, but I'll make it. Link to post Share on other sites
AlexfromBoston Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 I left him, my job and our home just to get away from him. Now I seriously regret it. I live for his text or phone calls. I've moved to another state but I cannot get him out of my mind, my heart. He's an alcoholic and I suffer with manic depression. When I left him, I was an inch away from a total break down. It happened when I tried to go back to my home state and even stayed with him for awhile while I was trying to get treatment and heal. He continued to drink but tried to be good to me and help me saying, "you've always been there for me, so I want to be here for you". He only caused me more despair when he drank, which he did every night. I left, once again, to stay with a friend. I got much worse with my mental issues and ended up moving again to another state to live with my again father and get help. Now I long for my life back, every single day. Many days have been spent crying endlessly. No contact? I can't (or won't) do that. I live from text or phone call to text or phone call. He always asks me if I'm better, tells me to get better and reminds me how "hard" it was to live with me. He did call shortly after I got to my father's house and said, "you're the best thing that ever happened to me, I want us back together when you get well, etc." He hasn't said anything like that since. I suspect he was drinking and at a weak moment. Too much happened with us throughout our 10 yr relationship to write about here. I would really appreciate any feedback or advice. Thank you....broken hearted and regretful. Kayann, your relationship epitomizes what one would call a "toxic relationship". Its marred with substance abuse and psychological issues. I think you should both get healthy before you even toy with the idea of a reconciliation. Link to post Share on other sites
Jewels7 Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 You will make it. However, you are prolonging your pain, but I know you know that. Do those moments that you feel good come after you have talked to him or during the process? It's because you're feeding your addiction every time you talk to him, and then it's even worse when your high comes down. I'm telling you this because I know how it feels. That happened to me every time I talked to my ex. If you truly honestly want to get better you have to quit talking to him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 Yup. She HAS been told...... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 24, 2015 Author Share Posted January 24, 2015 You're right, of course. All of the support I get here is right. But my head argues with my heart all the damn time. I think I am getting a little better. It's a process, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 24, 2015 Author Share Posted January 24, 2015 You know.....the good feeling isn't usually happening when I'm talking to him. It's usually when I think about what he might say, what I might say....... just the fantasy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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