Author Kayann Posted January 24, 2015 Author Share Posted January 24, 2015 I have been told by so many. Could be denial....I'm just guessing here Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 You got it, hun.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 25, 2015 Author Share Posted January 25, 2015 You got it, hun.... Thank you : ) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 25, 2015 Author Share Posted January 25, 2015 Okay, I trust the judgement/advice I get on here and I'd like to throw something out there. I joined an online dating service. It's free and I thought it would be nice to just visit once in awhile to take my mind off of things. I've been messaging with someone who I have a lot in common with. He gave me his phone number and we had a good conversation. He wanted to meet for coffee and I told him it was too early for me. I enjoy messaging with him and like I said, enjoyed our conversation. It's been six months since my breakup. What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 What do YOU think? The fact you decided to go on a dating site obviously had a motive. "Have I still got it?" Well, obviously you have. But if you DO meet the guy, you will have to emphasise going at YOUR pace. You don't want to be one of these gals he comes on here and complains about, and everyone says "Oh, you're the rebound guy, she was still hung up on her ex and using you as a buffer...." Do you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 25, 2015 Author Share Posted January 25, 2015 Nope. I don't. And I will go at my own pace. I'm learning, on here and in therapy to take care of myself. Wasn't to in tune with that for awhile. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 "If it feels good, do it. When in doubt, don't." I find that little snippet of advice works well for pretty much every decision I have to make...! Go with what feels good.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 26, 2015 Author Share Posted January 26, 2015 It certainly feels good talking and messaging with him. We last talked about the book I'm reading, Codependent No More. He knows the book and we discussed certain parts of the book. My father tells me to be careful and he told my older brother, who has been a huge support to me and I'm afraid they will lose faith in me while I'm in the midst of my healing. I'm basically very isolated here with my aging Dad. He's great, but I'm only 57 and I need friends and the benefits that come with that. I find that online I'm gaining friends in a way I wouldn't be able to if I didn't have a computer. Of course I'd like to attend Alanon meetings, and I know that would be so good for me, but I don't know my way around and it's a big city here. I don't feel confident enough to venture out on my own. I was never any good with directions which makes it even worse. So now, with my Dad's attitude for this online friendship, I'm having doubts. But not the same as his. I wonder; is it too early to be even talking with someone? am I using this as a way to forget my ex? am I following an old routine that is no good for me? I'm not sure. I've never done anything like this before. I'll say again, he's a knowledgeable, friendly, easy to message with and talk to. I enjoy him. But now I'm questioning...... Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 (edited) Oh goodness, you're hitting a nerve with me... In a nutshell, you're permitting the inhibitive opinions of men in your life, to severely curtail who you really are. They're unnerving you, making you feel unsteady, unsure of yourself, insecure and irrationally nervous. First your H., now your dad and brother. I have a really big bee in my bonnet about the submissive role women have been shoehorned into, and forced to adopt by the male of our species. Most of it is unconscious on their part, and if you were to put this to them, they'd baulk and protest they're only looking out for you, being protective, caring, concerned.... Yeah? Tell me, would they behave in this way if you were a guy in your current position?? Of course not. But then, they would protest, "But we're protecting you! You're vulnerable, exposed, at risk, you don't know what may happen!" Oh really? Vulnerable? Exposed? At risk? From whom? Men, of course!! So they're protecting you from themselves, but it's ok, they have a sense of entitlement, because they're your family. So that's different then. No, it isn't. They're worse. Because they believe themselves and truly think you defenceless and inept. And that is such a condescending insult. They're saying you don't have the brainpower to work this out for yourself. It's still leaving you vulnerable, exposed and at risk - from their dictatorial and oppressive influence. Thy're not letting you be who you want to be. They want you to conform to the type of woman who does as she's told and accepts male superiority, dominant opinion and familial control. (I'm sorry, you DID get me started!!) I moved to France. I could speak the language quite adequately, but a friend of mine holidaying there one year, asked me to meet her in a specific city, 80 miles away. Didn't know the way, didn't know the city. I was a good hour early, and by the time we met up, I'd sussed out a couple of really nice shops to visit, and a choice of eateries fo us to grab lunch. Plus, I'd found the public park, and chatted to a couple of locals about best sights to see. You can go to the big city. The only thing stopping you is the false idea that you're incapable. I'm 57 too, so I can say this to you. Get rid of the pre-conceived ideas that you can't do *this*, or you'd have difficulty doing *that*. The hurdles you need to overcome are ones you believe are there, and they've been put into place by the influence of those who mistakenly feel you need them. You're a grown woman, and have dealt with a man-child for too long. Quit believing you have a responsibility to do as they say. Edited January 26, 2015 by evanescentworld Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 26, 2015 Author Share Posted January 26, 2015 THANK YOU!!! That's exactly what I needed to hear. And I'm glad I got you started. You go girl. THANK YOU AGAIN! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 26, 2015 Author Share Posted January 26, 2015 Also, that's sort of what I told my Father. I told him I felt he was losing faith in me and not trusting me to make good decisions for myself. He said, "Nobody is losing faith in you, we're just telling you to be careful." I again said the same thing only worded differently and left it at that. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 I don't think your dad and brother meant you any harm when they told you to be careful. It's nice that at your age you still have a dad who worries about you. And being careful isn't a bad thing. It's amazing how many women will jump from the frying pan right into the fire. You are in a somewhat vulnerable state right now because you are still grieving and processing the end of your last relationship and there are a lot of men on online dating sites who are not who they pretend to be so "be careful" sounds like good advice to me. I'm not saying you shouldn't talk to the new guy and get to know him at a timely pace but take it one day at a time and stay objective. In other words, be careful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 Thank you....and that was sweet. I am being careful and still grieving. My grieving has peaks and valleys now, so I think I'm beginning to get a little better. I was honestly afraid that I might be falling in to an old pattern. But I think this chatting thing is just a little distraction and a way to make a new friend, maybe. I have no intent on meeting up with anyone at this point. All I would talk about is my ex, that's a good sign I am still grieving. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 Well, I did it again. I sent him a text telling him I'd always hoped we would stay together, I missed him and still love him. It was pitiful, I know. He called and told me he would never, ever stop drinking. So there it is..... Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 "Thank you for crawling back to me, your loving sentiments have truly touched my heart, but alcohol is still far more important than you are." So... Reading "Codependent no more!" really had the desired impact, didn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 Oh yes, it was great for me. I'm codependent alright. I love your comment! Funny! Thanks for making me laugh : ) Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Oh kayann, please please try.... Build on your confidence. Don't do things which deliberately sabotage your progress, because that's what you're doing, every time. You're grabbing yourself by the scruff of the neck pulling hard, and telling yourself, "Whoa sister, not so fast! That way lies happiness, freedom and independence! can't have you finding those, any time soon! Goodness, where would we be if you became serene and fulfilled?!" You'd have fewer worries, fewer bad days, more confidence, more 'bounce', more - genuine you. Every time you contact him, it's just tying your ankles together, and making you fall flat on your face... Choose, honey. You have to make that conscious choice. And at the moment, you are CHOOSING to remain in a state of dejection, rejection and disappointment.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 I just returned from a therapy appt. that didn't help or encourage me nearly as much as you do. And you're right (again.) It's been going on for ten years and why I hold on is yet to be revealed to me, but it's less frequent and I'm not crying as much and I am getting a tiny bit better. Don't give up on me, you described the woman I long to be. No contact is first though. No contact. No contact. No contact = new beginning for me. Thank you again for your words of wisdom and sincere empathy and compassion. It's keeping my head above water, even though I seem stubborn. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 31, 2015 Author Share Posted January 31, 2015 Just so you know, I'm reading this when I want to contact him : ) Very inspirational. I won't say thank you again, you already know I'm grateful, right? Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 I have a feeling that if we were neighbours we'd be spending a lot of time together, and drinking hot cups of cocoa in front of some nice fire, at some point. F*u*ck therapy..... Yeah. I know. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 I just returned from a therapy appt. that didn't help or encourage me nearly as much as you do. And you're right (again.) It's been going on for ten years and why I hold on is yet to be revealed to me, but it's less frequent and I'm not crying as much and I am getting a tiny bit better. Don't give up on me, you described the woman I long to be. No contact is first though. No contact. No contact. No contact = new beginning for me. Thank you again for your words of wisdom and sincere empathy and compassion. It's keeping my head above water, even though I seem stubborn. Just a thought... The next time you find yourself crying (I know it may be difficult, but), stop: In the midst of your tears, seek your Inner Wiser You, and ask it: What are these tears for, exactly? WHY, precisely, am I shedding them? What is being mourned, inside me? In other words, toss aside the superficial, 'obvious' reason for the tears, ('I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself') and find the deeper, more meaningful purpose of your grief. Think. Observe. Analyse. Dig, until you get it. I guarantee, the tears will come less frequently, when you pin the cause against the wall, and challenge it to justify itself.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
debbie123 Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 I have been on this site for approx. 9 months and finally found a reason to post... your situation is very similar to mine. I left my husband 9 months ago because of his drinking and he cheated on me. I have talked to him everyday and it is exhausting. He refuses to quit drinking even if it means there is a possibility of us getting back together. Our discussions are now limited to talking about our children. I now do not want to be married to him but am afraid to divorce because he will get 1/2 of my pension. I realize this is not a good reason to stay in a loveless marriage but I'm too nervous to have a conversation about this. It always leads into a huge argument and my lawyer has already told me he will probably get my pension. I hope you find peace. It's what I am hoping for myself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 31, 2015 Author Share Posted January 31, 2015 I'm in : ) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 31, 2015 Author Share Posted January 31, 2015 I'll try that, and also re-read this one during those times. Are you a writer, or what? Another very inspirational and encouraging post. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 31, 2015 Author Share Posted January 31, 2015 I'm certainly the last one to give any advice, but if he's still drinking and won't even think about stopping, there's little hope. Giving up everything is very hard. Nobody ever told me it was easy. I do know how you feel because I've been in a similar position, but trust me, the drink wins out every time. That won't change until he wants it to change. All the best to you and keep posting on here. It's been my lifeline. Link to post Share on other sites
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