I am slowly going crazy....

[menthe]

Hello, new here and this is quite long and I apologise.

 

 

I just really need some advice because I am slowly going crazy... I can't find that many posts about this issue.

 

 

So I've been living on my own for 3 years, I'm away at university a few hours from home. My parents were going through some pretty hard times the first year I moved away. The police were called a few times beacuse my dad was getting physical with my mom. Okay, so after that my mom slapped him with a restraining order, he wasn't allowed within 500 feet of her, or something. So, he stayed at friends and realtives for a few months. He was less than hospitable to the people that he stayed with. My relatives complained that he got physical with their kids, was always bosing people around and was constaintly swearing at everything. Just not a nice person to live with. So, my mom being nice/stupid, you pick, let's him back in the house, ignoring the restrining order, so he can see my brother and sister (both are still in highschool). He got violent again resulting in her kicking him out for good and her changing all the locks to the house. The separation is now official.

 

 

He's now living on his own, and my mom lives in the house because she has both of the kids. Within a few weeks she started dating another man. This may seem quick quick but my she and my father had been sleeping in separate beds for 2 years prior to me leaving for uni. I think she wnated to divorce him then, but was too afraid. I really don't know. We weren't suppose to tell my father about the other man because my mom was afraid that my dad would do something stupid, like break into the house again and beat her up. So, we kept it secret for months. She finally told him and he flipped. She now wants a divorce.

 

 

He now constantly calls me and my sibling to harass us for information about my mom and her bf, sexual information, everything. He says we're adults now so we should be old enough and mature enough to discuss sexual relations with him. (WTF?) I mean, I don't think it has anything to do with being OLD enough. It has to do with that fact that we're the children and that's a problem between the parents and not us.

 

 

He gets in trouble when he calls home, beacuse according to the restraining order he's not aloud to talk to my brother and sister without my mom knowing about it, so she doesn't let him talk to them beacuse he just upsets them anyways. I'm another story. Since I'm not living at home, he can call me any time. He calls and says my mom a whore, talks about how his life sucks so much, that nobody cares for him, etc.... And when I try to say something or comfort him, he snaps at me and swears and tells me to "shut the **** up and listen to me, I didn't say to talk!". So.. I just hold the phone and listen, and then he gets mad b/c I'm not responding...

 

 

I think he thinks I owe him something. This man physcially abused me for 18 years of my life. The beatings finally stopped when I moved away. I had black eyes, threatened with knives, plates thrown at me, cuts on my back, death threats, pushed down stairs and once even thrown through a glass door which broke and now I have scars all over my hands and arms. All this time I thought he only abused me, I never saw him touch my brother or sister OR my mother. I had to put up with the physical, mental and emotional abuse from this person for practically all of my life. I did accept a gift from him a few months ago though, I needed a car for school and he bought me one. So, in my mind I feel like I owe him at least the time to talk, but he's just so abusive on the phone, I can't take it.

 

 

I have a lot of resentment towards my family. My father, well that's a given I guess. My mother, who did nothing to stop him all those years. Yes, I admit the fact that now I know that she was getting abused too, but I NEVER saw a mark on her until the time when he broke in the house, and even then she just had bruises on her arms. I mean, she had 3 kids to look after, and she finally gets rid of the a**h*** when I move out when it seem like a convenient time for her, already got another man, so she's set. She was never a saint though, she hit me A LOT. I mean, nothing ever as violent ad my father, but still hard enough to leave me with serious bruises. Ocassionaly she would break my things (dolls, toys, rip clothes) when she was mad at me, or throw things at me. I also admit that this might have been due to the fact that she was sufrfering in the dark, but still, you should never take it out on your kids. And for close relatives, I told them that my parents hit me when I was around 17. They yelled at me and called me a "spoiled rich brat", and that I knew nothing about abuse, that kids back when they were young got it so much worse than I ever did. (they have sinced changed their tune when my mother told them that my father abused her and me, they feel sorry for me but refuse to believe that my mother hit me as much as I says she did) I also kinda resent my siblings because they never got any of it. They were never hit. But am also glad, because they were so much younger than me, and now I have to put up with all these grudges later in my life, something I wouldn't want them to put through. I love my brother and my sister very very much.

 

 

My aunts (mom's side) say I should be more supportive to my mother beacuse she's going through a hard time. I'm finding it hard to care. And I just can't stop thinking, why should I care. What have they done for me. I know they have done a lot of stuff, but the years of hell that I was put through... it's hard to let go.

 

 

My dad has no family left. They refuse to talk to him, they don't want to deal with him, he's pushed them all away. It's HIS fault that he's backed himself into a corner. He cannot admit that. He's excuse is that he's known he's been "less than a perfect dad" all these years, but that he doesn't deserve the treatment he's getting from all of us.

 

 

Before my parents got separated my mom made him go to counselling and get medictaion for his anger problems, he has since stopped going and stopped taking his meds because he doesn't think he has a problem...

 

 

Sorry, it's just good to get this off my chest. I have told friends and stuff, but their looking out for me. I want to know how other people would react to my situation without knowing any of the players personally. I've wanted to call a helpline for a long time, but I don't know what kind of one would handle these problems...

 

 

So, I want to know should I continue talking to my parents? And if I shouldn't, how can I divorce them?

[RecordProducer]

Dear Menthe, it breaks my heart to read about children being abused. You were just a child and nobody protected you.

You're absolutely right about everything. Your mother shouldn't have let your father beat you at all. He could have killed you. She was the one who was supposed to protect you and she didn't. Little she can do now to make you feel better about it. The wounds are already present in your heart. It will take some time for them to become scars and stop hurting, but they will never go away.

You must face all your anger and rage and tell everyone what you think of them. As many times as you feel like. That will cure you. Forget the bulls*hit about forgiveness and peace of mind and how hate destroys you. You are full of rage and you must let it out.

You not only don't owe your father anything, but he owes you what he can't make up to you in a 100 lifetimes. He destroyed your childhood. If that's not precious then what is?

He bought you a car, big deal! He thought he would be forgiven all the pain he caused you if he simply buys you a toy. Many parents buy their children cars and they didn't beat them in the past.

I know you're still afraid of your father, but you shouldn't be. When he calls, tell him that he destroyed your childhood and caused you enormous pain.

If he is not paying for your university, tell him to go to hell and f*ck off. Hang up! Tell him that some day you will come to him and do all the things he's done to you through years since he thinks that what he did is nothing and he didn't deserve to be treated that way. Treated what way? Not giving him another chance to beat you and humiliate you? Be firm about not letting him call your mother names. And feel free to tell him :"Don't talk to me like that!"

Your father is a low class violent bastard and scum. Simply act the way you feel like acting and say whatever you feel like saying. You will see how much better you will feel afterwards and how much relief the rage release will bring you.

You should also visit a therapist who can help you get over your pain. Whatever happened in the past or is happening right now is not your fault. Remember that! Get rid of the feeling of guilt that is repressed deep inside of you.

If your father is paying for your school, try to find some way of providing money elsewhere (job, scholarship, loan, etc.).

[d'Arthez]

Menthe,

 

with your father, you know it is better to cut him out of your life. One car and other gifts cannot undo the events and the memories of 18 years of your life. With the issues he is still having, and not getting any help for, you can't cut him too soon out of your life. He won't be one iota different from the man he has been for 18 years.

I don't know law, but I would look into ways of making certain that he is not allowed to call you, or be near to you. Don't take his calls anymore, or be extremely short, and don't let him call you names.

 

With your mom, it is harder to make a good judgement. Don't forget that she was abused too, for all these times, and she took her anger out on you. I doubt it was a conscious act of her; it was her way to vent her anger at her husband.

If your father argued a lot about you with her, she might have partially believed his ideas too. That is no consolation, but hopefully an observation that can help you make sense of her behavior.

 

That does NOT imply, that she did not hurt you. She has hurt you, and by not protecting you from your father she has hurt you. Maybe too much, but that is the call you have to make. The dynamics in the relationship with your mother are highly complex, but only if the both of you are willing to try, you can have a proper relationship with her. Don't expect it to be perfect, though. It is not easy at all to do so, and the scars will remain, and never completely vanish.

 

You have younger siblings who are not to blame. You might feel resentment, because they never suffered abuse so extensive as you did. But if that is the case, are you willing to give up on them, because of that? Again, that is your decision to make.

But likely you want to try to have a meaningful relationship with them, even though the events that happened make it hard to be open to them, as they shared the same paternal home, with the same painful memories for you.

Depending on their age, they are still for years to come, under the care of your mother. That might be another reason for at least a civil relationship with her.

[moimeme]

I agree that you need your dad out of your life and that you need to spend less time with your mom but I think it would be a dangerous mistake to tell your father off.

 

Your best bet is to call your local domestic abuse hotline and ask for advice. If it's not the right helpline, they'll tell you who you can speak to. They'll have the best advice on how to deal with your dad. Getting him madder could be a big mistake.

[menthe]

Thank you you two for your replies.

 

 

Something happened tonight. After having written that post and having got at least 20 more phone calls from my father, I have decided to cut him out of my life. He said some really hurtful things on the phone, and me and the rest of my family doesn't deserve it.

 

 

He doesn't pay for my university, I pay for it myself. Which is a good thing, because I was smart about it and tried to cut as many ties as I could to my parents. It was just that stupid car mistake that I made my self get sucked back in.

 

 

And I would never give up the relationship of my brother and sister. I love them too much. It's just that growing up I would think to myself why I was so much more "trouble" then them, they do bad stuff to make daddy and mommy mad too! But seep inside I never wanted them to get hurt, they were younger and I somewhat felt like a parent to them. I tried to protect them as best I could.

 

 

On Monday I will be phoning my mother's lawyer. She said that she'll help me put a restraining order on him for me, since I'm an adult and the previous one does not apply to me. I feel like this is a huge step in my life, and it's been coming for a long time.

 

 

Yes, the relationship with my mother... time will tell on that one. I feel wronged, but I don't think I want to shut her out completely. I think she's irresponsible and stupid for having to put up with his BS since high school when they were dating. I know I would never put my children through that. We are very much alike, so we clash quite a bit, but also at times are very close together.

 

 

Thank you for your responses again. I really wanted to know if what I was planning was too harsh, but everyone seems to agree that cutting him out would be for the best.... deep down inside I always knew, it's just hard sometimes to get the courage.

[moimeme]

It's unfortunate but necessary. Some people are just too messed up to be around - even if they are your relatives. You've done what you can on your end and that's the best you can do. It's not your fault life turned out this way.

[menthe]

Everything was going well... until I called an abuse hotline.

 

Now I feel horrible. They wouldn't even listen to me, give me advice, etc.

 

I mean, what are they there for!

 

They said my problems are legal issues and I need to get my own lawyer, etc. I mean, I'm a frickin student, like I can afford my OWN.

 

Now I'm angry and sad and feel like a complete moron. They made me feel like I wasting their time. They pretty much told me to go find somone else to talk to. "Don't you have FRIENDS to talk too", we don't help in these situations.

 

Yah, well I thought about that, and maybe I wanted an unbiased opinion.

 

Sorry, I'm just ranting. But I think it was extremely rude of them. Never again. I'm GLAD I never called a line like that when I was in serious danger. I probably would have killed myself.

[Mr Spock]

What a bunch of dicks. I would call an office number there and ask to speak with the person in charge and calmly relay everything that happened, and HOW IT MADE YOU FEEL. Sometimes all we need is for someone to listen.

 

 

If you love your younger siblings, maintain contact with your mother until they're out of the house then you can re-evaluate the relationship with your mother-and they'll be out of the house so won't suffer if you decide that you have too much anger and resentment to maintain contact with her for now.

 

Stop taking your dad's calls. Get caller ID. Screen your calls. You don't need to tell him to get lost, just avoid him.

[Craig]

A person has to be strong to go through what you have gone through. There is light at the end of the tunnel, though it may not seem like it to you right now.

 

Unfortunately some abuse hotlines are set up to handle situations of physical abuse and the emotional abuse you find yourself going through right now may not be something that the one you called is set up to help you deal with. This is where you need to get strong and tell your parents what you want. If you want your mom or dad to stop contact with you then tell them. In your dad's case because he has a history with the police it may be easy to get a restraining order against him to stop him from contacting you.

 

You don't owe your mom or dad anything especially given the physical abuse you endured as a minor child. Your dad was the abuser but he couldn't have done it without your mom's implied permission. Implied permission? Yes, implied permission. Your mom could have put a stop to the abuse at the first incident but didn't for whatever reason she had at the time and so the abuse continued. There are a zillion mothers in the world that at the first sign of their husband abusing their child would have taken strong action to prevent further abuse--your mom didn't do that. So you come from a dysfunctional family, dysfunction in families is common but it's the degree of dysfunction that causes harm to the children. What's done is done, you can't undo your history but you can learn from it.

 

Like Moimeme said call a domestic violence/domestic abuse center in your area. Call the actual office not the hotline and ask to SEE someone. You can briefly explain the history of violence and abuse and that you are in fear of your dad and then they'll probably schedule you for your first appointment. Be sure and mention that you are in the process of getting a restraining order against your dad. If you have to insist that someone see you then insist. Sometimes the person that answers the phone just doesn't get the seriousness of the situation.

 

You have taken the first steps to your own recovery, calling the abuse hotline was a huge step, taking steps to get the restraining order is a huge step. Keep moving forward with your growth, you are going to learn alot about abuse and probably feel a great many emotions throughout the process. If you can get into a group through the domestic violence/abuse center then do it. I can say from personal experience that there is a tremendous sense of relief to hear someone else tell your story--suddenly you're not all alone.

 

One last thing always remember that you are not a victim of abuse and violence--you are a survivor!

[moimeme]

Call the actual office not the hotline and ask to SEE someone. You can briefly explain the history of violence and abuse and that you are in fear of your dad and then they'll probably schedule you for your first appointment. Be sure and mention that you are in the process of getting a restraining order against your dad. If you have to insist that someone see you then insist. Sometimes the person that answers the phone just doesn't get the seriousness of the situation.

 

Frankly, I'm appalled that you were treated that way. I don't understand it, unless you ended up on a women's hotline speaking to some female who thinks men don't have abuse issues. I agree, call the office, and if you get the same reception, report it to your local social services department. That they were awful to you is an outrage

[Craig]

Originally posted by moimeme

Frankly, I'm appalled that you were treated that way. I don't understand it, unless you ended up on a women's hotline speaking to some female who thinks men don't have abuse issues. I agree, call the office, and if you get the same reception, report it to your local social services department. That they were awful to you is an outrage

Moi, thank you, from my experience sometimes the people that answer the abuse hotlines just don't have enough experience or training to ask the right questions to make an accurate evaluation. The office personnel seem to know alot more. You are correct that some women don't believe that men can be survivors of domestic violence/abuse, but that is changing.

[menthe]

A friend of mine is doing that for me. I really don't want to deal with those women again.

 

 

I'll probably write them a letter in the near future. I mean, both of these people were women and myself being one as well, you think they should have had a little more sympathy to my situation. I mean, the first women was good, even though we only spoke for a short time, she offered to send someone over, and I said I just wanted to talk for a bit first before I do anything else. Then I get transferred to the second women and she pratically hangs up on me.

 

 

I really don't know what the problem was. I mean, it wasn't like a wrong hotline and if it was they could have offered me another phone number for another help line that would have helped me. Women, youth, sexual abuse... I thought they all would listen if I called, no matter what the problem or just transfer me to someone who knew how to help me better. I mean, you shouldn't hang up on people that call HELP LINES.

 

 

The sadness is fading and the anger returns. My friend was pretty pissed, I broke down and let it all out. I feel hurt, and this whole unfortunate situation doesn't make me want to speak to anyone else 'professional'. Friends it is from now on. And of course you lovely LS forum people, for my much needed unbiased opinions of my situation.

 

PS- I didn't know if you thought that I was a guy... from the previous posts saying women not paying much attention to male violence... if that was a direct reference to me or another form poster whose past experience I do not know. I am a female, which doesn't really change my case I guess, but when I called I guess they could have put me through to a women's line if they didn't want to deal with my situation.