Lying and difficult/manipulative Ex-Wife, Parenting Issues

[plugga]

Quick bit of background…married for 7 years, together for 10, two daughters aged 1 & 3. I moved out and left her 6 months ago now, due to her longstanding unresolved mental issues - depression/anxiety and medication abuse, laziness, her being interested in other men, sick of living in a constant hostile environment…etc..etc. I have completely shut the door on reconciliation. We have not done any formal mediation or court orders regarding time with kids or anything.

 

We lived in a major city together, I work in this city and can't leave if I want to maintain my career. It is expensive here, and she had no family, she also did not want to go back to work. She moved to a town 2 hours away, with the kids, as she had family support there and it was cheaper for her. We agreed given the big distance between us that we would meet half way for exchanging the kids. I have them each fortnight for the weekend. I wanted to have them much more but due her her not wanting to work (so we can’t share daycare costs) and moving out of town, this is the best we could agree on.

 

Anyway on to the situation at hand..

 

She has started a relationship up with a guy who lives in the city I work/live in. He is bad news big time as he has a history of violence and abuse of women, my ex-wife has told me that he has called her and threatened to kill her, he has history of drug dealings/gangs, all her friends/family disapprove of him, etc. I am trying not to be involved at all in this and just tell her to go to the police when she has told me about this, she has since stopped telling me anything about him now. My ex seems happy to disregard everyone’s opinion and all of this. I have raised with her that I am scared for the kids and it makes me very uneasy the thought of him being around them. She says he has not came to her town nor been around the kids for months… Quite frankly I don’t want him anywhere near my children but from what I read there is nothing I can do to stop that.

 

Is there anything at all I can or should do about this? I was tempted to tell her if she moves in with him I will be fighting for full custody of the kids, but I fear she will not take that well and just want to be more involved with him as revenge. Do I basically suck it up, keep my mouth shut and as my kids get older try and ask them questions like do they like him or is he nice…and keep eyes out for things like bruises or marks on them or behavioral changes? Am I powerless with everything aside from this? I don’t expect he would ever hurt them but he can lose his temper big time which worries me.

 

The second issue is my ex has been lying to me for a month, she says to me she doesn’t have to tell me what she is doing, etc, but she misses and reschedules exchange of kids at last minutes, constantly asks me for favours which I usually always do. I have lately found out that basically every fortnight when I have the kids, she has been making me drive to the half way point (which is a 2 hour return drive for me), to hand me the kids, and then she keeps driving to my city to see this guy, basically driving past my front door along the way.

 

This is making me really angry that she is making me drive unnecessarily, wasting fuel, money and time to meet at the ‘half way point’ only for her to keep driving straight past my place?? Does anyone else find this grossly unreasonable? Not only this but she has been lying about it and saying she hasn’t seen him since he last threatened to kill her.

 

Do I confront her about this? I only want what’s best for the kids in this whole situation, I fear if I escalate this it will further strain things, but I just don’t think its right that she is lying to me and making me travel unnecessarily? If she was honest she could always try and bargain like say she is coming past anyway and then maybe next time I could drive further or things like that, but she does nothing like this? I sort of want to address this type of behavior early on as I don't want her getting used to the fact of lying and manipulating me as time goes on with shared parenting..

 

Sorry for the length...I try to keep this short but it never works.

Edited January 3, 2015 by plugga

[LoveMyCat]

You need to get a lawyer right away and start the divorce process. Once you file, you should have a clearer picture of what your rights are as far as who can be around your children, if any. If the guy has a record, you may be able to stipulate something that kill prevent her from having him near the kids. I am not sure, but that is why you need legal advice as soon as possible.

 

You say you will not reconcile, so why no legal action?

[beach]

File now. Request full time custody of your kids.

 

Tell the court she should be capable of working - that way she will need to get a job.

[Movingforward2]

File now. Request full time custody of your kids.

 

Tell the court she should be capable of working - that way she will need to get a job.

 

Agree. File now, and go for the throat.

[jakrbbt]

Keep your eyes on the prize. Her making you meet her halfway isn't the biggest problem. Yeah, it would be nice and more reasonable if she would drop the kids off. But she is not a reasonable woman. You were willing to drive halfway, you agreed on that, and that's all you are going to get-- even when it becomes ridiculous for her to not just drop them off. Don't waste your energy wanting her to be optimal, reasonable, and at all accommodating like you would be. Know what to expect from her.

 

Ditto on doing little things and refraining from things just in order to appease her so she'll be reasonable. If she is truly a manipulator, then appeasing her won't make her any more reasonable-- quite the opposite. Just figure out what needs to happen and be very clear about it. Your kids need to be safe, and the catch is, they probably also need plenty of time with mommy. But if they cannot have both, then safety is more important.

 

I think the reason that her driving thing bothers you so much is that it bugs you that she won't just be accommodating when she could be. That things could be so much better if only she were basically a normal person. I agree that they could. But also, I could have had a million dollars if only I had won the lottery. But I haven't "lost" that million dollars. I still have a life where I don't depend on that million dollars. I understand that you put a lot of effort into this person, and it would be so great if she would be dependable and constructive. Drop that hope. And drop you anger like a hot potato. You've got to move on and provide for those little ones. See whet you can do to get them time with mommy and total safety without losing your sanity and livelihood. You probably can't do that alone, but would need a lawyer and/or officials to guide and enforce. And while I don't think you should try to appease her, I also don't think you should threaten her with losing her kids or present yourself as some enemy. You can make your requests respectfully. Make the requests child-based.

 

She sounds kind of unhinged and weak, so she won't simply stop doing destructive things just for posterity or even for safety. And she sneaks around, so she won't stop doing stuff unless she has to, she knows she'll get caught, and even then maybe not.

 

Usually manipulators respond best when you point out the problem behavior while it is happening, set clear requests and boundaries that you don't back down from, and give positive reinforcement for any change. But in your case, you may be able to do a lot of what's needed through a lawyer and other officials. I don't know. That would depend on the situation, the proof of whatever, and how far courts are willing to get involved at this stage. Good luck.

Edited January 4, 2015 by jakrbbt

[plugga]

Thanks everyone for replies so far, really appreciate it.

 

Things work a little differently in my country (Australia), you can't just 'file' straight away for divorce, you have to wait for 12 months to lapse before you can legally cut the cord and are officially no longer married. Stupid, I know...I don't know why it is like that. I still have a 6 months for that stage. We are done and dusted with all our asset settlements though.

 

I can go to a lawyer, and get courts involved, it is very costly here - like 10-20k costs for anything basically defending my rights. Money is a bit of a problem now unfortunately so I haven't even contemplated that route yet. I don't see them ordering me any form of custody greater than 50%, based on murmurs of her dating a violent guy, especially when she currently tends to only see him at his place, when she is on free time without the kids while I have them...? Nor do I currently have the capacity to take the kids for that % or greater, I would be able to if I adjusted a few things though...

 

I could get my lawyer to write her a direct letter or something though to try and get her to see I'm serious about protecting my kids from this bloke.

 

Completely agree with your comments too jakrbbt, this is what I want to avoid - letting any of my emotions get in the way and making uneducated decisions that later cause me detriment, I'm trying to think the whole time of focussing on what's best for the kids.

 

I don't think the court is going to order her stay away from this bloke, and even if it does...what's going to happen when she meets another one of these blokes?

 

She honestly has rocks in her head, I just wish she would see and start thinking about what's best for the kids instead of herself.

 

I seriously want to call her out on the lying behavior and confront her about it but I also suspect that it won't make any difference. This guy also eggs her on and encourages her to be difficult to me, she's even told me in the past that he did, like telling her she should be making me drive to get the kids if I want to see them and stuff.

 

Just don't know what the best solution to all this is...

[jakrbbt]

 

I seriously want to call her out on the lying behavior and confront her about it but I also suspect that it won't make any difference. .

 

Your suspicion that it won't make a difference is correct.

 

Your desire to call her out on it is very understandable, very common, and very detrimental to you (and possibly to your case in the future). If you can let go of that, then you'll be one of the successful ones getting over a relationship with a disturbed-character person. That's my take, anyway. Of course, if you can call her out on some specific boundary she has crossed at the time it is happening, and you do it right, then you may have some success in breaking out of the pattern where she manipulates you specifically. But that is an art.

 

I've found an expert on manipulative personalities and gotten one of his books. Dr George Simon. He's got some interview in the huffington post and also he has a very extensive blog.

 

Pay attention to his advice about moving on from an abusive person. Don't read the stuff and then start stressing out about trying to change her or make her see her manipulative ways.

 

Anyway, Dr Simon talks about how difficult it is for people to let go of their manipulators. Once they see what has been happening, the person who's been manipulated wants to hold the manipulator accountable. Wants to make the manipulator see. That is the last thing you need. That is the manipulator's last hold.

 

If you can sincerely drop that, then I bet a lot of other things fall into place for you.

 

Also, I totally sympathize with the icky nightmare stress of another person egging the manipulator on. When you ex discusses you behind your back, it feels like war, like you have enemies colluding and conniving against you. But in reality, there is very little they can do-- at least, very little they can do that won't cause her to lose some custodial right or look pretty bad. What they can do, is stress you out and cause you pain. They can inconvenience you. All that, you can deal with. Set clear boundaries that are reasonable (meeting halfway was a reasonable one, and just because she could be more reasonable but won't, isn't something you need to let cause you any pain. The other man is pretty pathetic if that's all he's got. Let him think he's victorious there.)

 

You have some great instincts. As you say, the most important thing is what's best for the children. Let that be your guide, you won't go wrong and more importantly, you won't do your kids wrong.