my harassment warning

[aggie382]

Deleted by OP

 

This doesn't make sense. Are you the OP?

[stalker]

I just thought there was a possibility - not a fact a possibility - that she might have been trying to make it up to me. Clearly I was wrong, and I apologised to her via the police.

Believe it or not I would have apologised earlier by leaving a message on my linkedin profile, which I'm sure would have ended things and the police never would have got involved, but I mistakenly looked up the profile of a former school acquaintance, and with him potentially keeping an eye on the profile too I felt I had no choice but to delete it.

Edited January 4, 2015 by stalker

[Haydn]

Here`s an idea.

 

Don`t look at anymore social media. She obviously see`s you as a threat and was scared. Never a good feeling for anyone. You appear to be stalking left right and centre mate.

 

For your own good, forget it before you really land yourself in trouble.

 

Scaring people ain`t attractive.

[Gloria25]

OP, let's say I play devil's advocate here and say that at some point this woman had interest in you?

 

FACT is, SHE DOESN'T ANYMORE.

 

When someone gives you a notice involving the police, regardless of what she may or may not have felt for you, she doesn't feel it anymore.

 

I've been a victim of stalkers on a few occasions. I called the police on one guy MANY times and he just didn't get it. And, I didn't even show interest in the guy. I just had a friendly interaction with him, and one day caught a friend of his trying to break into my home. I don't know if he sent him to hide in my house, steal a key. I don't know.

 

The other time, this crazy old guy actually broke into my yard one time to "save" my dog and, the report from animal control shows that he told them that 'I did not want him on my property'. So he knew better, yet pulled this stunt.

 

I recently got a "wake up call" to clear up my delusions...A guy I was crushing on gave me a very stern notice to just leave him alone. So, like you, I'm looking back and wondering if I just made up all this in my head or not - while I'm still healing. The wound is fresh and open. Actually, yesterday, I had to catch myself to not dare interpret anything he may be doing as him still having an attraction for me.

 

And you know what, even "if" he had and still has an attraction towards me - doesn't matter. He made it clear that he's not interested in me. I have to respect that. People have a right to their boundaries. We have to respect that.

 

You know, on OLD, sometimes I've gotten "blocked" by people. These are people I haven't even exchanged words with. I even asked about it on this or another MB a while back cuz it sucked. Well, I was told that some people just find it easier to block a profile of someone they weren't interested in. And, I've done that to some people myself.

 

So, what I'm trying to say is: Don't take the rejection so personal. I think you're trying to salvage your ego here. You just wanna know "why" she abruptly blew you off. Doesn't matter. Sometimes that happens. Your quest to find out why she turned you down and to save your ego is putting you on a downward spiral that will escalate. I've watched a lot of those Stalker shows on ID. It goes from bad to worst.

 

Walk away now before you get yourself in trouble and/or end up doing something you can't come back from. Also, get some counseling to help dealing with the underlying issue here (i.e. rejection).

 

Take care....

[CALOVELY]

I take no to mean no, unless something exceptional happens in which case a very polite further request might be warranted. Although following this exchange I am prepared to admit that the circumstances would have to be very exceptional.

 

I did not pursue until the police were involved, I just sent one polite further question to make sure I had her previous answer correct. If she had confirmed it rather than the police the result would have been exactly the same, I would trouble her no further.

 

I am not put upon because I cannot continue contact. I am put upon because a word in the ear would have sufficed rather than the issue of an official document, which despite containing only allegations would appear in an enhanced criminal record check. However, following the vitriol that has flowed against me here I am starting to wonder if the officer let me off quite lightly (even though I presented no threat whatsoever to the girl in question).

 

No it would not. She blocked you on several social media sites, told you to stop contact and you continued. Words mean nothing to you so the police got involved. "No does not mean no", remember? It is obvious to all reading here that a womans words and wishes are something you disregard. Yes, you are a threat and she knew it. So did law enforcement or a restraining order would not have been issued.

 

Get help for this. Again, this is not normal behavior. This is obsession, entitlement and delusion. I wish you well and am done with this thread as well.

[stalker]

Words mean nothing to you so the police got involved... It is obvious to all reading here that a womans words and wishes are something you disregard.

 

That is totally over the top. I do not wish to cause any concern or bother to anyone, man or woman.

 

> For your own good, forget it before you really land yourself in trouble.

 

I'm absolutely fine with not contacting her again. The main reason I started the thread was to see if anyone agreed that the police had treated me harshly. The fact of the matter is that I do not pose a risk to that woman or anyone else and a police notice was unnecessary. However judging by the responses I can see why they acted in the way that they did.

[LuckyLady13]

Stalker, glad you're fine with not contacting her again. The police weren't harsh at all and the only reason people in this thread sound harsh is because you've argued up and down with people who are completely rational, calling your stalking of this woman "polite" at every turn to downplay what you were doing wrong. No one is tolerating this. Not the woman you stalked and not even strangers on the internet.

 

A word about going to a forum for help: Accept the help people have taken time out of their lives to give.

[bathtub-row]

This doesn't make sense. Are you the OP?

 

No. Sorry, my mistake. Deleted by me. Lol.

[Radu]

We all know what roses often symbolise. What are the odds of roses appearing in someones profile on a given day. 1000s to 1.

 

It was because it was such an unlikely thing, was one of the few ways she could have sent a message to me, and happened the day after I deleted my profile, that I wrote again (and that might have been the last time I ever looked at her profile). And all I did was ask a polite question.

 

> you either don't understand or refuse to accept, social cues.

 

I do accept them but given that what I thought to be a 1000 to 1 shot had transpired I just wanted to be absolutely sure.

 

Nobody would have taken the 1000:1 shot.

 

After the hard 'no', they would have waited for written, direct contact.

 

You rationalize your understand of social cues for whatever you need to believe.

[Radu]

What is so extraordinary here is how wrong you've all got me.

 

Your statement is complete and utter nonsense. I have no interest whatsoever in risking my reputation for the sake of someone I barely know.

 

I just wanted to find out if we might get along and since we're not going to that is absolutely fine.

 

If I was desperate to meet her I could returned at any time to the place I originally met her.

 

I approached her anonymously to REDUCE the chance that we would meet. I wanted to see if we would get along without her being too influenced by the work that I do.

 

You kinda already did.

[Radu]

I take no to mean no, unless something exceptional happens in which case a very polite further request might be warranted. Although following this exchange I am prepared to admit that the circumstances would have to be very exceptional.

 

I did not pursue until the police were involved, I just sent one polite further question to make sure I had her previous answer correct. If she had confirmed it rather than the police the result would have been exactly the same, I would trouble her no further.

 

I am not put upon because I cannot continue contact. I am put upon because a word in the ear would have sufficed rather than the issue of an official document, which despite containing only allegations would appear in an enhanced criminal record check. However, following the vitriol that has flowed against me here I am starting to wonder if the officer let me off quite lightly (even though I presented no threat whatsoever to the girl in question).

 

I personally believe that the response was over the top, both on your part and on the Police's part.

 

Many many yrs ago i was in a similar situation, with a literal nutcase.

I was on a forum and made a passing reference that was not aimed at anyone to something very non-specific.

For some reason, she immediately accused me of being her ex-husband who stalked her, made threats of going to the Police and when i tried to argue i only made her go to the next level so then i disengaged, but she kept following me through threads and posts, harassing me in the most passive-aggressive ways.

I even went as far as to report my posts to a moderator to get an unbiased opinion of weather or not i was out of line.

Now i can look back and see she was in fact an abuser with massive delusions, but back then i thought i had done something bad.

The thought of getting the Police involved scared me and as i was also suffering from very hard anxiety, i ended up holed up in the house for a week or so, even after i emerged it affected my human contact.

 

So yes, i do believe that Police got involved too early and also did something that in my view was not in their right. Honestly, i would fight it if it happened to me, and many in this thread probably feel the same.

But that doesn't mean that you didn't miss social cues, repeatedly.

 

You wanted verbal communication.

That is 7% of overall communication, with tonality at 38% and 55% body language.

It's hard to show body language over the internet, so you interpret actions.

You wanted the clear no from 7% communication when she gave you a clear no in all the rest, in terms of communication.

 

That is the crux of the problem.

And if you don't like it, go and live alone without human contact ... there is no other option.

And this comes from someone who was incapable of getting social cues [though i avoided ppl ... not understood to mean that anything but a hard NO to mean maybe/yes], who had to start learning them when he was 28.

Edited January 5, 2015 by Radu

[stalker]

You kinda already did.

 

I tried to edit that remark a few moments later but the system wouldn't let me. I'll do enough good that people will look through this (insignificant in the great scheme of things) mistake if it comes up. At no point did I intend malice and never posed any genuine threat. And please nobody bother try thinking you know better because I know me a heck of lot better than you do. I am somewhat horrified at the thought of having hurt someone who has done nothing to deserve it. But I should make amends in other ways.

 

> After the hard 'no', they would have waited for written, direct contact.

 

That is what I would do if ever a similar situation came around again.

 

> You rationalize your understand of social cues for whatever you need to believe.

 

On this particular occasion, a mistake which I do not intend to repeat.

 

A word about going to a forum for help: Accept the help people have taken time out of their lives to give.

 

I am thankful, although could with a few days to recover

[spiderowl]

I see everything wrong with stalking and if I'd known that's what the effect of my actions was, I'd have ceased immediately.

 

I shouldn't have approached anonymously and should have realised the facebook block but thought (stupidly I admit) that there may have been another explanation. Wrote once more and then was told no. I was 100% intending to comply, but was so suprised by the roses that I politely wrote again just to make absolutely sure. What if she really had wanted to hear again from me. Though I now know from your feedback that the odds of this were miniscule.

 

You're all zealously determined to defend 'no means no' under all circumstances, but there will be countless relationships where a woman at first said no and was eventually won over. Like it or not the line between courting and stalking can sometimes be fine, and unwittingly straying from one to the other is a danger. One has to act interested, but not so interested as to cause alarm.

 

What about the woman who says, 'no, I've got a boyfriend', then splits up with him. Are you saying that the earlier no still applies. Aren't there circumstances where a polite reiteration of a question is warranted.

 

If she had at any point engaged me in a normal discussion and explained her feelings, the matter would have ended much earlier than it did. I'm not a monster and since I was being treated like one perhaps I was having more trouble rationalising the situation. I'm not trying to totally excuse what happened but I couldn't entirely make sense of it. Following the roses surprise, I needed that confirmation no to be sure and didn't imagine that it might cause significant distress.

 

> I can only imagine how you handle in person interactions.

 

Would you like to tell us about a mistake you've made and then perhaps we can try to form an opinion about you too

 

I feel you've understood and will avoid her in future. Approaching her anonymously was not a good idea; that sets things up to be scary from the start, though you would not necessarily have realised that. Always best to be upfront and honest - then to back off if that's appropriate. I'm sure you've learned from this and hopefully you'll meet someone who feels the same as you next time.

[stalker]

So yes, i do believe that Police got involved too early and also did something that in my view was not in their right. Honestly, i would fight it if it happened to me, and many in this thread probably feel the same.

 

Indeed a quick confirmation of the no from her rather than going to the police would have allowed me to apologise directly to her, and I imagine that we'd have departed on reasonable terms instead of with a pretty nasty taste in the mouth.

 

The general view seems to be that me reading anything whatsoever into her profile was complete madness but the playful body language in her photo and then the roses, it just baffled me that she'd have done those things if genuinely in fear of a stalker, hence I sought the extra confirmation. But I do appreciate now that it was probably just a coincidence or could even have been determination that the incident was not going to get her down.

Edited January 5, 2015 by stalker