MercuryMorrison1 Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 (edited) Hey everyone. Want to get a little feedback on my situation here. Gonna try and sum it all up real quick. So basically, I've got this friend. When her and I met we were both single, and shared a flirtatious friendship, but never actually entered an exclusive relationship, or slept together. Just playfully flirted. Well as time went by she eventually met herself a nice guy and dated him for a short time, before getting married. Now that she's married she still tries to behave the same as she did before she ever met her guy. She call's me by pet names, Babe, Dear, Hun, Sweetie...etc...etc. She also still attempts to do things like sit in my lap. For the record I do not encourage this any longer. As a matter of the fact I openly protested it to her over a phone conversation, telling her that I didn't feel it was appropriate to continue to behave flirtatiously towards me. She seemed to sort of dismissed the conversation and explained to me that her husband is totally fine with our ''friendship''. However I have noticed she behaves differently if he is present. Recently she came out and told a mutual friend of ours...One of my best friends actually...That she is ''In Love'' with me, and that she's not happy in her relationship with her husband. My friend attempted to discourage any notion that a relationship between her and myself would ever work, and encouraged her to work out her issues with her husband before jumping shark on me or some other dude. My friend only recently told me of this conversation he had with her. He explained to me that she asked him to make no mention of her feelings towards me to anyone, which kind of put's me in a tough spot...I want to confront her and tell her straight up that I do not have those feelings for her and that I'm sorry if our playful flirting together in the past gave her this impression, but I simply do not have those feelings for her. But if I tell her this, than she'll know that our mutual friend spilled the beans to me, which will likely cause sever tension between them. Oh and another thing...She told our mutual friend that at some point in the past ''Stuff'' happened between the two of us...That is absolutely not true. How should I handle this? Should I just dive in and tell her how it is, At the risk of losing hers and my friendship as well at the risk of destroying trust between her and our mutual friend? Or should I just continue to discourage her behavior as I've been doing all along? Any advice here is helpful. Edited January 3, 2015 by MercuryMorrison1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 Tell her husband. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MercuryMorrison1 Posted January 3, 2015 Author Share Posted January 3, 2015 Tell her husband. Alright so that's one vote to dive in. Thanks for the feedback! Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Say nothing to her, her husband or your mutual friends and just stop talking to her. You don't need to be friends. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Well you are just going to have to embarass her so she will be sure to get the message. The next time she comes on to you tell her "For Gods Sake Woman you're married please act like it because I'm not interested." Some people just cannot take a hint and you have to be blunt in order for them to get the message. She sounds desperate and frankly quite tacky. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Oh, she knows you're not that interested, which is why she married the other guy. She's probably had a crush on you for a long time, but after all this fruitless flirting and you telling her to get off you, she has to know it's not going anywhere. If I were you, I would just push her away now if she tries anything. Even if it doesn't bother her husband (which is a lie), tell her "Well, it bothers me. I don't want anyone seeing a married woman all over me. Stop it!" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 To respect your friend's privacy (the one who told you), the next time you speak to the girl, and she gets flirty, I would firmly tell her "Look, I've asked you to not call me that/speak that way to me. It is disrespectful to your husband and to me. If you cannot respect this, then we need to take a break from our friendship." Be firm - say what you mean and mean what you say. I wish one friend had told you of this prior so that you could have enforced this boundary sooner; but at least you know now and you can be firm in your boundaries. Also: There are all types of women who live in fantasy in their heads -- seeing things that aren't there and playing make believe in their heads. Nothing you can do about that. All you can do is stand firm in your decision. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MercuryMorrison1 Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 Thanks for the advice everyone. I think the best bet is the firm approach and if that doesn't work then perhaps it's time for me to say goodbye to her, Kinda sad I've known her for the better part of 8 years now, but if she can't play it straight for the sake of her marriage then I guess I won't really have any other choice but to remove my self from the equation. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 (edited) I think it is best to remove yourself. Edited January 4, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 You said that in a prior conversation with your friend (the married woman) that she brushed aside your concerns by saying her husband is perfectly fine with her friendship with you. This indicates that you didn't express yourself clearly to her as she somehow got the impression that you were talking about her husbands feelings instead of your own. So the next time she gets flirty and inappropriate with you tell her again how you feel about that but make sure she knows she is violating your own boundaries. If she says "oh my husband doesn't mind" make sure you tell her that you don't care how her husband feels because this is about how you feel and you don't like it. Remind her that true friends respect each other's feeling and boundaries and then ask her to please understand YOUR feelings and to stop crossing YOUR boundaries. That should make your message and intentions clear without having to even mention the conversation you had with your mutual friend. Oh and don't take her sudden declarations of love seriously. It sounds like she has reached a bump in her married life or perhaps she is getting bored of married life so she is fantasizing about her single days and she sees you as a possible escape from whatever is making her unhappy right now. She's being immature and irresponsible by trying to start something with you instead of addressing whatever her real problem is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MercuryMorrison1 Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 You said that in a prior conversation with your friend (the married woman) that she brushed aside your concerns by saying her husband is perfectly fine with her friendship with you. This indicates that you didn't express yourself clearly to her as she somehow got the impression that you were talking about her husbands feelings instead of your own. I suppose I can try again, but honestly in our conversation I don't know how much more I could clarify. I was frank but polite when I told her that I felt it wasn't right for this behavior to continue as it's not fair to her husband, and if a girl I were seeing were acting like this towards one of her guys friend it would certainly cause some animosity on my behalf. I do agree that she's probably hit a speed bump in her marriage and is looking for a possible out for if/when the **** hits the fan. Link to post Share on other sites
Tailor2000 Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 "it's not fair to her husband" I guess that's what the PP was picking up on. Forget the husband, it's not right for you, you don't want it, end of. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 In a semi-public place where your conversation can't be overheard easily tell her that you are flattered by her attention but that you don't return the sentiment & that you expect her to stop telling lies about whatever stuff didn't happen between you two. After that avoid her when possible. Stick close to her husband when it's not. Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyLady13 Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 I agree with Anika. It sounds like she was trying to find a door open with the slightest little crack and imagined that, because you didn't outright say "I am not interested in you in any capacity", you must be interested. She's finding what she wants to find. You have to totally shut her down. Even if you do feel bad for her husband, leave that out of the conversation with her. She's one of those people who tries to find something where there is nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
AVarma Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 Tell her husband. Bad idea. He'll take his wife's side. I'd bet my life on it. Link to post Share on other sites
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