ellisre Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 (edited) This is a lot but I REALLY need help! It is also kinda interesting I feel like this is a long sordid tale but I am just going to mention the basics for brevity. I "dated" a guy in high school. Dated is in quotes because we really just became hook up buddies at first then we fell for each other pretty much out of the blue. Looking back now I know that the intense passion we felt for one another was not just "puppy love" given our age. We knew that once we graduated, this wouldn't last because I was moving away to go to college. We never really broke up...we just decided to not do anything long distance. While in college, he acknowledged that he loved me and I was his first love. I tried to visit him once and it was great but it seemed like he just couldn't handle the relationship. Truth be told neither could I. The feelings were so strong that it scared us both. We were young. Well that was 8 years ago. He has been in a relationship for 5 years and I have been dating and in and out of a long relationship as well. We haven't seen each other since that visit. I never keep in touch with my exes but he was the only one. I feel like I will always care about him and wish him well (believe me that does not apply across the board for some of the others...). We kept in touch for pretty much the whole time even though there were some gaps in communication. Sometimes the conversations would go way past where they were supposed to given he was in a relationship. The thing though is other times he would talk about his girlfriend (though that wasn't as common as the other conversations). We would also talk for hours at a time. I didn't think much of it because I thought that we wouldn't ever see each other again. I ended up moving back to my home state where he lives as well. We would still talk a lot but when the topic was broached to visit one another he told me I couldn't be around him without a "chaperone". In my head I thought it was a little ridiculous because so much time has passed since we last saw each other or did anything with one another on top of the fact hat he also had a girlfriend. Last July we were talking like we normally do and he mentioned to me he was planning on getting engaged in August 2014 (they never did get engaged which I still think is weird given our conversation). I knew it made sense because he was with her for a while and was in love, but it still shocked me. At this point was when I realized I still had feelings for him. I am almost 30 and never connected with anyone like him but at the same time I respect his feelings and want him to be happy. After that conversation, I sent him really long letter telling him I still had feelings for him and they never went away despite our respective relationships. I told him that as much as I cared about him, our friendship must truly end as opposed to taking a hiatus for a year or 2 like we usually did. He never responded to me. This weekend one of my close friends had a baby shower. She happens to be really close with him too. He decided to come to the baby shower with his girlfriend. I knew this was going to happen because my friend gave me a heads up. To me, my friend and her baby are way more important than any sordid relationship that I had in my past so I put on a brave face and I went. Sure enough I saw him come through the doors with her. He said hello, I said hi and asked him how he was and smiled. Besides that we did not communicate. He didn't introduce me to his girlfriend either. Just to recap - we have not seen each other face to face (other than video chatting) in over 8 years. We have not communicated since I sent him the letter about 6 months ago. He ended up leaving the shower with my friend's husband for almost a half hour because he was so uncomfortable with me being there. He also kept bringing me up to my friend talking about me being there and him feeling weird. My friend assured him that I was fine and happy and over him yet he still kept bring it up. I ended up leaving right before he did my friend was talking to him so I gave her a big hug and just nodded my head at him to say bye. Okay - phew! I know! Thats a lot but I feel like the background is a little important. -My Issue- Why was he so uncomfortable? It was not like we broke up yesterday. We haven't been together in YEARS! I understand that the letter may have made him feel uncomfortable because he did not want to make me upset but it didn't seem like his girlfriend had any idea who I was and he did not introduce me nor did we interact. Why would I affect him so much for him to leave his girlfriend behind to go vent about me? I initially felt a jolt of anxiety but overall I was just happy to see him happy. I just want to know if down the line we can ever be friends because I know my feelings are dissipating but I still love his friendship and would like to be friends again in the future at some point. Does this seem possible? That is the 2nd chance I am hoping for. I really want to ask him these questions but I am trying to respect his space until I get a clear understanding of how I should approach the situation. Edited January 4, 2015 by ellisre Link to post Share on other sites
st peter Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 sorry, but every time he talks to you, in my mind he is cheating on his girlfriend. also, how can you say you want to be friends with him if you also want a second chance, or sent him that letter. all your post did was make me feel sorry for his girlfriend Link to post Share on other sites
Author ellisre Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 (edited) sorry, but every time he talks to you, in my mind he is cheating on his girlfriend. also, how can you say you want to be friends with him if you also want a second chance, or sent him that letter. all your post did was make me feel sorry for his girlfriend I definitely can see where you are coming from. Hopefully more information will help you get where I am coming from. 1. We never did anything past speaking since he has entered the relationship and whenever he would veer the conversation toward a topic that I considered to be more than friendship, I would redirect out of respect for his girlfriend. I don't think it should be seen as cheating unless he still has feelings for me or if we are discussing things that could potentially ruin his relationship. 2. When I say I want a second chance, I meant I want a second chance at being his friend. Even though there was once a relationship, I feel like we were both teenagers. We have both grown up and have different lives, but he is still important to me. Beyond our relationship we were friends and that friendship was always something that I treasured. I am not saying that 6-7 months can cause feelings to go away but I sent the letter back when I was confused about what I felt about him and out of respect for his girlfriend. I didn't think it was fair to anyone at that time to keep talking. The letter was pretty cathartic for me and seeing him this weekend made me realize that I really miss his friendship and I don't feel the same about him as I thought I did. I think talking to him without interacting with him in person made me feel like my feelings were stronger than they really were. I saw him with his girlfriend and felt genuinely happy that he was happy. To make a long story short I just miss his friendship - platonic friendship and I would like to have that back. I feel like by sending him the letter, I may have abruptly ended something that was really important to me. I just don't understand why I would make him so uncomfortable to have left the function for an extended period of time. It makes me feel like I need to move on because we could never be friends. Edited January 4, 2015 by ellisre Link to post Share on other sites
xxmusical Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 I think you need to end the friendship and accept that the friendship won't ever be the same again. You ended the friendship with the email. He accepted your wishes and did not contact you any further (although him making a scene at your mutual friend's baby shower was quite a silly and girlish thing for him to do). But now you wish to remain friends with him... I understand how you would miss the friendship, but I hope you do realize how unhealthy this is for you to move on. You're confused why he was so uncomfortable? Maybe because his girlfriend was there? Maybe because of the email? Maybe because his gf knew what happened and he doesn't want to hurt her? After all, you did tell him in the email that the friendship should end... you can't expect him to forget about it and pretend everything was ok. The "friendship" you two had might not have been "cheating" in your mind...but if you were in his gf's shoes, how would you feel? You would probably be pretty hurt that your bf's been talking to an ex-gf for hours straight behind your back. For the sake of the guy, his girlfriend, and yourself, leave this behind you and move on. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted January 7, 2015 Share Posted January 7, 2015 Why were men going to a baby shower anyway?! Link to post Share on other sites
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