BC1980 Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Well, today I found out that my ex is engaged and getting married in March. . . . to a women he apparently knew when we were together. I don't know if there was cheating, but I always had a feeling something was up. I feel relieved. I was so scared he would try to come back, and I wouldn't be strong enough to resist. I was so scared he would pull me back in, and I wouldn't be strong enough. It's finally over. I also want to take this post as an opportunity to encourage everyone to go NC that has not already done so. At this time, I'm able to handle this information and feel relieved. If this had been 6 months ago, I would have been an absolute mess. I stayed NC and am happy to say that is the reason I was able to extricate myself from this situation. I was able to become emotionally free because of NC. I'm not completely indifferent, but I'm close. I love everyone on LS who has followed my story, and I cannot express the appreciation I have for everyone's support. This forum has absolutely played a huge role in my ability to cope and move forward. People, please go NC! Do it before you find something like this out. NC has paid dividends in the long term. 31 Link to post Share on other sites
Light Breeze Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Wow! Congrats on taking it so well. Another success story with NC. I'm sure you're going to find the one for you in the future . Me, been Complete and total NC for a month now (it's been 3 months since breakup). Frankly, if I learn that my ex is engaged to his new guy I would be devastated. I'm doing fine now with my healing, discovering myself, and working on my character flaws. My positive outlook towards my future is helping out a lot and I can't wait for my heart to catch up with my brain. Again BC1980 congratulations, you're story is an inspiration for me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
music_and_poetry Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Great job with handling this news in an indifferent and positive way! I am doing No Contact on my best friend because I've fallen in love with him but he can't "see me that way". It hurts like hell to cut him off but I realized I would feel worse if I was around to hear about the girls he's interested in and having him bring them around. Hopefully NC will set me right. Maybe one day I can be his friend again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BC1980 Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 Wow! Congrats on taking it so well. Another success story with NC. I'm sure you're going to find the one for you in the future . Me, been Complete and total NC for a month now (it's been 3 months since breakup). Frankly, if I learn that my ex is engaged to his new guy I would be devastated. I'm doing fine now with my healing, discovering myself, and working on my character flaws. My positive outlook towards my future is helping out a lot and I can't wait for my heart to catch up with my brain. Again BC1980 congratulations, you're story is an inspiration for me. It takes awhile with NC and rebuilding your life. If I had learned this last summer, I might have been darn near suicidal. I'm not kidding. It was an emotionally abusive relationship, so it took a long time to come to terms with it and let him go. His engagement just proves everything that I thought about him. He discards people and has no empathy for anyone. He is actually going to marry someone that works at the same hospital I work at, and he came back to work at this hospital recently. Absolutely no regard at all for how I might feel about him coming back. I know he's not obligated to care about me, but his actions just show his true nature. You need to build a new life though. I've stepped out of my comfort zone and built a new life for myself, so I had a lot of support and still do. Great friends I've met. Reconnected with old friends. You need that support. You can't just sit by passively and wait NC to work. Be active with it. I'm rooting for you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
lil hoodlum Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Well, today I found out that my ex is engaged and getting married in March. . . . to a women he apparently knew when we were together. I don't know if there was cheating, but I always had a feeling something was up. I feel relieved. I was so scared he would try to come back, and I wouldn't be strong enough to resist. I was so scared he would pull me back in, and I wouldn't be strong enough. It's finally over. I also want to take this post as an opportunity to encourage everyone to go NC that has not already done so. At this time, I'm able to handle this information and feel relieved. If this had been 6 months ago, I would have been an absolute mess. I stayed NC and am happy to say that is the reason I was able to extricate myself from this situation. I was able to become emotionally free because of NC. I'm not completely indifferent, but I'm close. I love everyone on LS who has followed my story, and I cannot express the appreciation I have for everyone's support. This forum has absolutely played a huge role in my ability to cope and move forward. People, please go NC! Do it before you find something like this out. NC has paid dividends in the long term. Do you now feel like the truth has finally been revealed to you finding out this information? I am famaliar with your story and as I recall you never got any real answers, a proper closure from him, and that he strung you along with irregular contact/bread crumbs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BC1980 Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 Great job with handling this news in an indifferent and positive way! I am doing No Contact on my best friend because I've fallen in love with him but he can't "see me that way". It hurts like hell to cut him off but I realized I would feel worse if I was around to hear about the girls he's interested in and having him bring them around. Hopefully NC will set me right. Maybe one day I can be his friend again. Well, I can't say I'm 100% indifferent, but I'm well on my way. But this news may have crushed any soft spot I had for him. Time gives you a very different perspective. It says something when you have several family members are friends who are happy you are out of a relationship. They see what you can't when you are in love. NC gave me perspective and saved me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BC1980 Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 Do you now feel like the truth has finally been revealed to you finding out this information? I am famaliar with your story and as I recall you never got any real answers, a proper closure from him, and that he strung you along with irregular contact/bread crumbs. Yes, I do feel that everything is making sense now. I don't know for sure if he cheated, and I will never know. He may have had some type of emotional affair at some point. I'll just never know, but I now have proof of what I always suspected. That he would have dropped me the minute he found a new, shiny object. He never had much loyalty to me. It's exhausting to be in that type of relationship, and I won't settle again. He did string me along for months after the breakup. Maybe he was solidifying things with the new woman? Hedging his bets with both of us. Who even knows??? The answer is irrelevant at this point. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BC1980 Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 Do you now feel like the truth has finally been revealed to you finding out this information? I am famaliar with your story and as I recall you never got any real answers, a proper closure from him, and that he strung you along with irregular contact/bread crumbs. I've always had an unsettling feeling that something happened to precipitate the breakup up though. He broke up with me the night before we were supposed to start marriage counseling with the pastor who was going to marry us. He waited until the absolute last minute to get rid of me. Something isn't right with that picture. Something was up. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
FortunateSon Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 BC, I am happy you are at peace with this, like you said, it will hopefully kill any soft spot for him you have left. Your story resonates with me, I feel like I am in a similar situation. I have stuck strongly to NC, but have a feeling I could be getting news similar to your sooner than later. If it was to have come me earlier it would have been devastating, but have stuck ardently to NC I feel I will be at peace with it when it comes. I am not yet indifferent either, but I am close enough to keep moving forward without skipping a beat. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BC1980 Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 BC, I am happy you are at peace with this, like you said, it will hopefully kill any soft spot for him you have left. Your story resonates with me, I feel like I am in a similar situation. I have stuck strongly to NC, but have a feeling I could be getting news similar to your sooner than later. If it was to have come me earlier it would have been devastating, but have stuck ardently to NC I feel I will be at peace with it when it comes. I am not yet indifferent either, but I am close enough to keep moving forward without skipping a beat. We might never be COMPLETELY indifferent. There might always be a little tug at the heart or some anger that bubbles up. Take comfort that you are human. You loved fully. You have a heart and a conscience. Those are wonderful qualities that you can give to someone one day, someone who is worthy and can fully reciprocate your love. I loved and accepted my ex unconditionally, and I don't regret it. Because I know I can hold my head high in closing the door on this. I have no shame to carry around because all I did was love and treat him well. I know that I am a person capable of unconditional love while he is not. He will never understand unconditional love, and all the more pity to him in that regard. I regret not having boundaries and taking the abuse, but I don't regret that I am capable of love with respect, empathy, and compassion. Never regret that either. We just need to work on finding suitable partners to share our love with. Take care. Sending good thoughts your way. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
blackcat777 Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 We might never be COMPLETELY indifferent. There might always be a little tug at the heart or some anger that bubbles up. Take comfort that you are human. You loved fully. You have a heart and a conscience. Those are wonderful qualities that you can give to someone one day, someone who is worthy and can fully reciprocate your love. My best friend said the same to me, and these words are so beautifully true. I've always appreciated your insight. I'm happy for your progress. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BC1980 Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 My best friend said the same to me, and these words are so beautifully I promise it's true. You might not feel that fully right now, but you will in time. It took me getting drug through the mud a few times to really "get it." Link to post Share on other sites
Author BC1980 Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 So it's really all coming together. I did a little googling and found the Linked In profile of his new fiancé. She apparently also works at the other hospital he worked at for a short time. I'm guessing part time maybe. And wouldn't you know? It was when he was there. And what else do you know? It was right around the time he dumped me. I know it's irrelevant, but curiosity and all. . . . Glad I now know what is the likely truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Jackson37 Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Congrats on finding peace! Thats definitely another step closer to feeling indifference. I'm glad you made this post because I was just almost regretting going complete NC (blocking on fb, ignoring her happy birthday text) but I knew those feelings of regret would pass just like any emotion. Your post has helped solidify my NC. Thank you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BC1980 Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 So I also found out he's getting married on our anniversary. I mean, WTH? I can't even. . . . Link to post Share on other sites
erklat Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Curiosity killed the cat... I will also become a dad in August. I learned exactly year and a half from my ex and mine first date. That definitely leaves no room for my ex to reappear in my life. I would not accept her either way, but I do secretly fantasize that I could place her in the hell like described in my signature. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BC1980 Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 So I did a little more snooping. I can't sleep anyway. They have been engaged since at least May 2014, which would be a year from the time we broke up. He was still contacting me in December 2013, which is when I basically told him off in a text. So it's all confirmed in my mind. It's all become really clear. In November 2013, he was telling me that he might still want to work things out. Telling me he still wanted to give me the engagement ring he bought me one day. I was played like a d@mn fool the entire time. When I told him off in the text in December 2013, he immediately stopped contacting me. I was very surprised, and I now see why. He most likely had both of us, stringing us along. I can't say I feel bad about snooping and finding this out. If anything, all of this information just confirms my suspicions. I'm not crazy, and I knew something was up all along. All I can do is shake my head and be glad I'm free of him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BC1980 Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 Curiosity killed the cat... I will also become a dad in August. I learned exactly year and a half from my ex and mine first date. That definitely leaves no room for my ex to reappear in my life. I would not accept her either way, but I do secretly fantasize that I could place her in the hell like described in my signature. Are you saying your ex is pregnant? or a new woman? Link to post Share on other sites
Zapbasket Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Oh my God, BC1980, I just saw this thread and my jaw dropped. I don't even know what to say except yeah, given the timeline you sleuthed out, a lot of his actions "make sense." I put that in quotes, of course, because the new knowledge you have doesn't negate the fact of his emotional vacuity, as no doubt his fiance will find out soon enough. How do you feel? Big hugs (((( )))). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BC1980 Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 (edited) Oh my God, BC1980, I just saw this thread and my jaw dropped. I don't even know what to say except yeah, given the timeline you sleuthed out, a lot of his actions "make sense." I put that in quotes, of course, because the new knowledge you have doesn't negate the fact of his emotional vacuity, as no doubt his fiance will find out soon enough. How do you feel? Big hugs (((( )))). I feel relieved that it's over. After figuring out he probably cheated in some way, I feel that I have answers. I know I preach not to snoop, but I just had to know. I'm pretty much over him, so I guess it doesn't matter anyway. But I needed to know I wasn't crazy. I've always had this gut feeling. Just always had a feeling something was sketchy. I mean, engaged 5 months after he was telling me he might want to work it out? How stupid do I look? They are apparently having quite the lavish wedding too. Funny because he told me I couldn't invite anyone from work because he didn't want to pay for it. I couldn't even invite my closest friends at work, 5 people. What a despicable human being. He actually was supposed to pay my grandfather back for the wedding band he bought as a wedding present. I'm so disgusted that I can't even form words about that matter. I feel that I see him clearly now. That's how I feel. Everything I've suspected about him has been 100 percent confirmed. I feel more free than ever to move on with no guilt or shame. Edited January 4, 2015 by BC1980 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 I've always looked for your advice when you are advising other's and I have used your advice with my own struggles. Indifference is not completely possible but reaching a time when we just really don't care does arrive. I think your pretty inspirational round here. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BC1980 Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 I've always looked for your advice when you are advising other's and I have used your advice with my own struggles. Indifference is not completely possible but reaching a time when we just really don't care does arrive. I think your pretty inspirational round here. Wow. Thanks. I think you are too actually. I've pretty much reached the point that I don't care all that much. I definitely lost feelings for him awhile back. I haven't been able to imagine kissing him or having any romantic feelings for him for awhile now. I think most of the emotions have stemmed from the manipulation and abuse. It's just a difficult thing to get out of. I'm just sitting here thinking, yup, I was right all along. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JDPT Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 I'm very proud of you BC. You have certainly come a long way and are an inspiration to all of us. I think you can fully come to terms now and processing residual feelings that may have lingered will be effortless compared to the hell and back we went through. Keep prowling forward as you know it does get better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BC1980 Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 I'm very proud of you BC. You have certainly come a long way and are an inspiration to all of us. I think you can fully come to terms now and processing residual feelings that may have lingered will be effortless compared to the hell and back we went through. Keep prowling forward as you know it does get better. Heck, every one of you have been an inspiration to me. We did go through hell. That's for sure. I can't even imagine how badly I would have taken this if I hadn't stuck to NC like a religion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gatema Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 (edited) BC, I am so happy that you have found some possible answers to the way your ex had made you feel, and for putting your sanity in to question. Learning that your ex is getting married, well, and to be honest, has to sting some, even though it has provided you with some relief; like becoming emotionally free, in a sense, from yourself. However, I’m not one that can be completely blinded by the misconception that a person can be fully recovered from a bad break without experiencing some bittersweet feelings hearing an ex is getting married to some else. For what it’s worth, I wanted you to know that I think that you are amazingly articulate, and you do it in such a kind and soft manner for getting your point across. I get from your posts this feeling that you have an abundance of intrinsic wisdom that reaches way beyond your years on this earth. When you express that you are going to be fine with this new development, I believe you. I have to assume that it’s the Zen like approach that I think you have used for getting through the tough times; case in point, using NC as your power, and as your way to control how to get better. Which is why I wanted you to know that I do applaud your progress, and for the way you have chosen to process this news. I also know that it does not offer you a guarantee either, that no matter how well you have removed this man from your life, hearing news about an ex and then believing that it is not going to stab a huge hole in your progress, or tear another piece out of your heart, in some unpredictable way, is a deception that you can't allow. Regardless of where you, or others may think you are, on the “over it” progress chart. A hit is a hit, and if hearing some information about your ex getting married is not enough to cause some sleepless nights, the bag of bullcrap that follows, will definitely produce some rage. With the discovery that some of your suspicions indeed have merit, along with the f*d up garbage confirming that you were lied to by this man, consider this as you move forward. I honestly do not think that there is a person on this board that is expecting you to blow off your feelings with this knowledge, meaning, without at least having some emotional pain from it. Even though I’m relatively new to this vastly different, uniquely warped, and fantastically dysfunctional LS family (by the way, I do feel blessed to have stumbled upon on this community, on one very lonely, feeling sorry for myself night) something struck me. What became clear to me after a few weeks is that most of the people on this site do really care; they may pitch you some major crap along the way, but it is done from a place of endearment. My suggestion to you would be this: accept their help, share how you are really feeling right now, be open and brutally honest when you do, know that setbacks in a relationship recovery happens every day, believe in those that have become devout BC fans, take solace in knowing that these people truly care about you, and your well-being. So let them. And be well. Edited January 5, 2015 by Gatema 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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