Ex is engaged

[BC1980]

It's a trap ! He wants you to say you do want the ring and then act all outraged and make you look like an interested b.. and make you look like the bad guy. Or keep you hanging. No no no.

 

that ring happened a long LONG long time ago. It does not represent reality. Your peace of mind is worth more than his money.

 

If you contact him, you'll relapse. Trust me, he is not doing this because he cares about you, he is doing this because he wants to win. If he really wanted you to have the ring, he would have given it to you a long time ago, not now, so close to the wedding. Worst case scenario, this is self sabotage from him, in case he does not have the balls to stop his wedding.

 

Read this:

 

No Contact: Why you need to keep your proverbial door closed?even when they try to break it down by any means necessary | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

I totally agree that if this were truly about the ring, he would have done it a long time ago. The night we broke up, he said he was going to sell the ring back and give me the money (it was his idea BTW. I never asked for any money). However, time went by, and he kept saying that he didn't want to sell the ring back in case we got back together. In Dec 2013, I finally told him to sell it back and be done with it, and I didn't want to speak with him anymore after that. So a year has gone by, and this is the first I've heard of it. I kind of wonder if talking to me at work this past week precipitated this email. Maybe his ego was hurt because I ignored him at work, and he wanted to reach out in an attempt to make himself look good.

 

It was an odd email too. He claimed that he had been trying for many months to sell the ring back with no luck. As if he had been slaving away on my behalf. He was also so patronizing and mentioned that he wanted me to have this money to pay back my student loans or buy a new car (my current car is old). As if he is doing me a real favor. Again, it's all about him and how hard he has been working on my behalf. I hope he doesn't think I actually believe him. If he gave a sh*t, he could have taken the ring to a pawn shop and have been done with it. What a POS.

[BC1980]

You know, a thought just hit me about my ex returning to work. We actually met at work, but he switched jobs is Dec 2012 when we were still together. We broke up in April 2013, and I was so glad we no longer worked together. I thought how lucky I was that he had switched jobs. So you can imagine my surprise when I learned of his return to work this past September. I mean, I was shocked. I wondered who, in their right mind, would want to work with an ex. I get it if you already work together, but to actually come back to the old workplace? The contract he signed at the new place guaranteed that he could never work at my hospital again because it had a "no compete" clause. I've never been able to figure out HOW he got out of that contract? I've asked people who said it's d@mn near impossible to get out of these contracts.

 

I wonder if, in some twisted way, he is trying to get my attention and get an ego boost. I honestly don't think so, but it makes me wonder. This past May, he mailed a box of some very insignificant stuff to my house (3 books and some 20.00 flip flops). Again, that was so weird. I could understand if he had something expensive or sentimental that he found, but not these items. Also in the book was a note saying he would be returning to work in September. Did he use an excuse of mailing that cr@p to let me know he was coming back to work? Just to see if he could get a reaction? And not finding out he was engaged at the time? This is all so freaking bizarre at this point that I don't know what to think.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

He's definitely in it for the ego boost. It sounds like he pops in for contact whenever he wants a little extra validation. What could be more validating than knowing someone else is still in love with you, or at least still devastated by your breakup?

 

If I really wanted money from the ring, I would send a two-line email asking him to have it appraised and sold, and then to provide me the official paperwork with a mailed cashier's check. That way I would eliminate any potential sentimentality out of getting the ring back and he would know I'm all about business.

 

BC1980, you are undoubtedly the kindest and probably one of the wisest people on this site. That's not really saying so much since most of us are broken, mean, bitter and weird freaks, but please know that a lot of people find you inspiring. You deserve so much better than giving even a single one of your lovely thoughts to such a tool.

[BC1980]

He's definitely in it for the ego boost. It sounds like he pops in for contact whenever he wants a little extra validation. What could be more validating than knowing someone else is still in love with you, or at least still devastated by your breakup?

 

If I really wanted money from the ring, I would send a two-line email asking him to have it appraised and sold, and then to provide me the official paperwork with a mailed cashier's check. That way I would eliminate any potential sentimentality out of getting the ring back and he would know I'm all about business.

 

BC1980, you are undoubtedly the kindest and probably one of the wisest people on this site. That's not really saying so much since most of us are broken, mean, bitter and weird freaks, but please know that a lot of people find you inspiring. You deserve so much better than giving even a single one of your lovely thoughts to such a tool.

 

I honestly don't think it's some diabolical plan on his part, but I think that he welcomes any attention coming his way. He seems to want to keep some sort of foot hold in my life, but I'm just so uninterested at this point. I think that seeing me at work probably stirred up something in him, and he made this clumsy, odd effort to reach out. That's all it is. Nothing more and nothing less.

 

I think I'm going to get my mom to handle the entire thing. I don't want to see the ring at all. She said she would take care of everything, and, for that, I am grateful.

[candie13]

I still think he is doing this to make you react. It fits his behavior - that box he sent to you with the books and flip flops. He initiates contact. He cannot have his head around you or his gf. By giving you the ring back and telling you what to do with the money, he is still trying to control you - tell you what to do - play a role in your life. I literally see him coming to you or making contact after he gave you the ring, to ask what you did with the it. Did you sell it? At what price ? What did you do with the money? Did you buy yourself a car - with his money? Are you running around in "his" car?

 

Maybe I see the worst in people but if you take that ring and get that money, say goodbye to NC because you have something of his. His property.

 

Can you not see how deceitful and manipulative this really is? He is really going for the easy win there...

 

Personally, i understand about sentimental value, but what really matters is not things is how reliable the person in front of you is. That ring does not belong to you. It is only a symbol of his fickleness. Meaning, it lost the sentimental value. It became a merely expensive piece of jewelry. Which he paid. Which he owns. So he should have it and shove up his arse. I would be offended to even see that ring in my face.

 

wait a minute, why does he have and not you? Did you give it back? Did he never offer it to you? and if he has it, tell me: which person, in their right mind, contacts an ex to give them their engagement ring, at the wake of their marriage? It's provocation! He KNOWS you are a wreck. He enjoys knowing that you suffer even more. How will seeing that ring with your own eyes make you feel?

 

won't you talk about it? Won't your mom talk about it? Won't your grand dad talk about it? Is he not, therefore, buying space from all of you, in your own heads and lives, with that ring ?

 

It's all about how strong you are and all about knowing your price and not giving in to manipulation. It is SO clear to me. F**k the money. Stay away. You are worth more than that.

[candie13]

in a way, by thinking about him and the ring, you're breaking NC. NC is about stoping all connections with him. Breaking free from under his spell to put him behind you. Are you doing that? Can't you see he is doing this for his own enjoyment?

 

He is a nutcase, indeed. But think about this: He is Not Your Troubles Anymore. Not unless you allow it.

 

Go ahead and make your mom contact him. See how difficult he's going to make it to both her an you. Go ahead. Pick the $$$. You'll end up paying it through your nose.

 

There's no such thing as a free lunch. No such thing.

[candie13]

Sorry, I didn't mean to aggress you. Whatever choice you make, it will be yours and therefore, the correct one. Just... toughen up, from now on.

 

Did you forgive him, BC? Did you forgive him for how he treated you, to be taking his ring back? How do you really feel? How does taking the ring back make you feel?

[Haydn]

Remain disconnected. I agree with Candie. Something very similar happened to me regarding an expensive watch. I messed up. Don't want you to do the same. It will set you back and you have come so far now.

[Gatema]

BC...

 

You'll say it best...when you say nothing at all.

[JDPT]

Be honest with yourself. Leave the past where it belongs. This ring is irrelevant to your piece of mind and recovery.

[Zapbasket]

Hi BC1980,

 

I have to get ready for work, but I just saw the updates on your thread after being off LS for the past couple of days and I want to say strongly, DON'T RESPOND TO THAT RING. You've made it this far without that money; you'll continue to make it; you'll get a new car and pay off your loans and you'll do it JUST FINE with YOUR money. I agree with all the other posters who opine that this is just one big narcissistic ego boost for him, a way to keep a toehold in your life. PLEASE don't respond. I don't care if that ring is worth millions, any contact with him, even through your mom, is NOT WORTH IT.

 

When I was a teenager, a very powerful, rich man loaned me something that was a big boost to my career. At the same time, he tried to get into my pants and was terrifyingly pushy about it. I struggled with it, but I managed to politely tell him off and I returned what he loaned me. And you know what? I was JUST FINE. It didn't ruin my career. It's just stuff. Your sense of worth is priceless.

[BC1980]

Can you not see how deceitful and manipulative this really is? He is really going for the easy win there...

 

wait a minute, why does he have and not you? Did you give it back? Did he never offer it to you? and if he has it, tell me: which person, in their right mind, contacts an ex to give them their engagement ring, at the wake of their marriage? It's provocation!

 

I agree. I think he wants to give himself some brownie points and claim he let me have the ring to sell it. Like he's the good guy in all of this because he threw some money at me. I always thought it was out of guilt, but I think it's more the ego thing.

 

Why does he still have it? The short answers is that he never gave it to me. The long answer is another interesting story of his emotional abuse and general craziness. He bought the ring in April 2012. He made a big deal of wanting to marry me, told our families, and we started talking about the wedding. Then, 2 month later, he claims he's confused and doesn't know if he wants to marry me. In 2 months? It was a fast turnaround and totally shocking to me. I considered leaving him after that, but he started in with the tears and how much he would miss me.

 

So long story short, he kept the ring until we broke up, always saying he was "deciding" and "making sure." It's a really sick thing that I subjected myself to. I only asked him about it once, and he claimed his son wasn't ready for us to get married. I think I was mentally done after that. I mean, who buys an engagement ring and puts it in a safety deposit box? Who does that and shows next to no compassion when I'm upset about that. Who acts like that isn't an emotionally damaging thing to do? A sick person, that's who.

[BC1980]

Did you forgive him, BC? Did you forgive him for how he treated you, to be taking his ring back? How do you really feel? How does taking the ring back make you feel?

 

I did forgive him after about a year, but it was about moving on. I don't, in any way, agree with what he did. I don't think it was right. But I had to forgive for myself because I was carrying the hurt and anger around like a millstone around my neck. I had to let it go and allow myself to live again.

 

Honestly, taking the ring back a makes me feel that I might be able to get some money from it. It no longer holds any sentimental value.

[candie13]

I don't know the guy, so I may be off base here, but past behavior predicts future behaviour.

 

Have you ever seen this ring? Do you know if it actually exists ?

 

Me thinks... that he didn't give you that ring during your relationship and he ain't gonna given it to you after it either. It is all about power and control, girl.

 

He made sure he had power over you in the relationship - by promising marriage - and he makes sure he gets power over you now - by promising you cash. All with a simple ring.

 

Manipulative, selfish, narcissistic pervert.

 

If I were you, you know what I would do ? Block his arse everywhere. Like... everywhere. Email, phone, whatsapp, fb, everywhere. And not tell a soul - especially not him, about what you've done. Just... vanish. disappear.

 

This breed of scum lives for attention, lives for intensity and emotion. Any attention, even negative attention is better that no attention. The worst way you can treat him is with indifference. Denying him this attention. He will die, he'll catch fire, haha! And funnily enough, it will also help you gain distance and move away from him!

 

Please read about narcisists and about power plays and control. His behaviour is not just wrong, it's dysfunctional almost from a medical perspective.

 

Stay away! Stay far far away! Danger !

[BC1980]

I don't know the guy, so I may be off base here, but past behavior predicts future behaviour.

 

Have you ever seen this ring? Do you know if it actually exists ?

 

Me thinks... that he didn't give you that ring during your relationship and he ain't gonna given it to you after it either. It is all about power and control, girl.

 

He made sure he had power over you in the relationship - by promising marriage - and he makes sure he gets power over you now - by promising you cash. All with a simple ring.

 

Manipulative, selfish, narcissistic pervert.

 

If I were you, you know what I would do ? Block his arse everywhere. Like... everywhere. Email, phone, whatsapp, fb, everywhere. And not tell a soul - especially not him, about what you've done. Just... vanish. disappear.

This breed of scum lives for attention, lives for intensity and emotion. Any attention, even negative attention is better that no attention. The worst way you can treat him is with indifference. Denying him this attention. He will die, he'll catch fire, haha! And funnily enough, it will also help you gain distance and move away from him!

 

Please read about narcisists and about power plays and control. His behaviour is not just wrong, it's dysfunctional almost from a medical perspective.

 

Stay away! Stay far far away! Danger !

 

I actually do know that he has the ring. My grandfather is a jeweler, and he bought the ring from his store. So I do know that he actually bought the ring, and I do know that he attempted to sell it back to the store. They wouldn't take it back, which isn't surprising because it had been 2 years. The ex is claiming that he has had the ring posted on the internet for "many months," which may or may not be true. I don't know enough about selling diamonds to know how easy it is to sell a ring on the internet.

 

I have been stone, cold silent for over a year, and it has served me well. I think that upset him to some degree because the power shifted. Even when he was in a new relationship and getting engaged, he still sent that d@mn box of stuff with a note in it. He just wants to poke the bear.

[BC1980]

Hi BC1980,

 

I have to get ready for work, but I just saw the updates on your thread after being off LS for the past couple of days and I want to say strongly, DON'T RESPOND TO THAT RING. You've made it this far without that money; you'll continue to make it; you'll get a new car and pay off your loans and you'll do it JUST FINE with YOUR money. I agree with all the other posters who opine that this is just one big narcissistic ego boost for him, a way to keep a toehold in your life. PLEASE don't respond. I don't care if that ring is worth millions, any contact with him, even through your mom, is NOT WORTH IT.

 

I honestly think I'm at the point that I don't care what he thinks about me taking the ring and getting the money. If it gives him an ego boost, I don't care. I just feel that the money could be useful to me, and I might as well get something out of this whole nightmare. Do you really think it would ruin my dignity to get the ring? I'm trying to be objective and do what is best for me in this situation. My mom seems to think that I should just take the ring and try to sell it. It's an awesome ring and worth quite a bit, so I could stand to get a nice chunk of cash.

 

I can't believe all of this has happened in the past week. It feels like a lifetime ago that I was with him. If anything, all of this has made me realize how ready I am to COMPLETELY close the door on the entire situation. Not just him but the situation as a whole. I can file it away as part of my life experiences and come out a better and stronger person. I've got so many personal goals that I want to accomplish in 2015, and I'm so excited about them.

[Zapbasket]

Do you really think it would ruin my dignity to get the ring?

 

YES, I really do. What he thinks is irrelevant; I think money works in funny ways psychologically and any money that comes from that ring is just too fraught with bad memories, manipulation, lack of respect, and lack of sense of self-worth to have any real "value." What the money comes loaded with negates the actual cash value. Believe me on this; I've been where you are where money is concerned and it's almost ubiquitously best to walk away from the money. Money comes and goes; you won't end up in the poorhouse for turning this "opportunity" down; I promise you.

[SoThatHappened]

I recant my previous post and agree with GreenCove. Not just because she used the word "ubiquitously" either.

 

Let him and the ring go... for good

[BC1980]

I recant my previous post and agree with GreenCove. Not just because she used the word "ubiquitously" either.

 

Let him and the ring go... for good

 

The fact that all of this has even come up is exhausting. It's almost more trouble than it's worth. If I do get the ring back, I have to sell it. I have to do all the leg work. He claims he has been trying to sell it for a year, which seems unlikely. I doubt much effort was put into selling it.

 

I don't know why I'm resistant to everyone's advice. Maybe because he promised me the money when we broke up, and I honestly never forgot that. I always wondered if he would come through with it. I thought it was the absolute least he could have done. Ugh. This sucks.

[BC1980]

YES, I really do. What he thinks is irrelevant; I think money works in funny ways psychologically and any money that comes from that ring is just too fraught with bad memories, manipulation, lack of respect, and lack of sense of self-worth to have any real "value." What the money comes loaded with negates the actual cash value. Believe me on this; I've been where you are where money is concerned and it's almost ubiquitously best to walk away from the money. Money comes and goes; you won't end up in the poorhouse for turning this "opportunity" down; I promise you.

 

It does feel awful that he is claiming the ring has been on the internet for months. Now, he wants to throw it at me to sell on my own. It has that feeling of, "poor you, I'll try to help you out since you need it more than me." It just as the ring of disdain from him. Am I really that greedy that I want to see if I can get money from this ring? What the heck is wrong with me? Is it because this is just one more broken promise?

[blackcat777]

Ditto what GreenCove said... Sanity and well-being are priceless.

 

I gave up on fighting for a huge sum of money after a car accident that resulted in a head injury because the stress would have been so ridiculously enormous... all that mattered was that I made it home alive, I healed without complication in the end, and after moving home to recover, a bunch of really serendipitous things happened that I never could have foreseen, so I called it even in the end.

 

Sometimes it's better to walk, to be happy, healthy, and free.

 

After all this guy put you through and how far you've come, there is nothing to be gained by any continued interaction or association with him.

 

Bonus: it might send him a different message if you continue living life, unphased by the ring.

[lil hoodlum]

If it were me, I would take the money and run.

 

 

Why should her ex have the last laugh?

 

 

Good things do come from back things sometimes.

[BC1980]

I'm still undecided about the ring. He saw me twice this week and spoke both times. He asked me, in front of several other people, if I had gotten the email he sent. I said yes, looked down, and kept writing. Basically ignored him. Yesterday, he walked by me and said "hi" in a nice voice. What is wrong with him? Is this typical narc behavior? Just to keep poking at someone in clearly inappropriate ways? I've made it very clear that I'm not interested in any sort of chit chat, but he keeps on with it. I blatantly ignore him when he says anything to me. Any sane person would never even attempt to broach contact given our history. I certainly wouldn't attempt any small talk with someone I had treated so poorly and with which I had such a history. I feel that his behavior is mostly an attempt to minimize what transpired between us. He's going to see if I will go along with him and sweep it all under the rug, and I think that line of thought is so arrogant. It's gotten to the point that I'm considering responding to his email with a request not to speak with me about anything not related to work. Period. Yet the thought of any voluntary communication with him makes me sick quite honestly. It feels like a monumental step backwards when I've closed the book on him long ago.

 

Also feeling a general sadness for losing what I considered a secure family unit (him and his son). Can anyone relate? No, I don't want to be with him again, but I miss the feeling and security of having that to go home to everyday. After the intense emotions surrounding the breakup subsided, I struggled quite a bit with a general sense of lack of direction. I realized that he and his son truly anchored me in my life and gave me a sense of purpose. I feel like I'm just floating through life with no purpose or direction, at times petrified of what the future may or may not hold. I'm truly living day by day. I'm sure all of this is normal to feel after everything that has happened. Can anyone relate or offer advice?

[Zapbasket]

Also feeling a general sadness for losing what I considered a secure family unit (him and his son). Can anyone relate? No, I don't want to be with him again, but I miss the feeling and security of having that to go home to everyday. After the intense emotions surrounding the breakup subsided, I struggled quite a bit with a general sense of lack of direction. I realized that he and his son truly anchored me in my life and gave me a sense of purpose. I feel like I'm just floating through life with no purpose or direction, at times petrified of what the future may or may not hold. I'm truly living day by day. I'm sure all of this is normal to feel after everything that has happened. Can anyone relate or offer advice?

 

Yes, BC1980, I can relate very much. Tears are splashing all over my keyboard because I'm sitting here this morning feeling the EXACT same thing. That I, always Miss Direction, am not at all certain where to head next. That I'm living in this beautiful state so rich with all kinds of history and yet I have no history here; my ex and his family were the foundations of the history I hoped to build here. Just before reading your post, I looked up my ex's hometown and tried to find information on his family ranch. Just out of a sense of longing and a little envy, too, that he can boast such roots here, and meanwhile I'm just trying to get through day by day, always feeling that what I care about most in life, the deeper part of things, is just out of reach.

 

Last night I went to an informational meet-and-greet for a mentoring program. I figured, if I can't have children of my own yet, I'm so good with children and such a natural mentor, why not give that kind of love in whatever way I can? And instead of feeling like I was renewing a sense of purpose, attending this thing, I felt this vague, silent discomfiture that I'm there because I can't have my OWN family, sharing memories with a man I love and making a child with him. And I think of all the memories I shared with my ex and feel so crushed anew at how little it all seemed to mean to him. I was prepared to fight for it, to fight to keep it. He didn't fight at all.

 

So, yes, I can relate, my friend. And I'm sorry I don't have any advice except to say you are not alone, and not abnormal for feeling the way you do.

 

And, yes, I think your ex is trying to minimize things...or perhaps doesn't even realize that there are "things" needing to be minimized. He has proven he has a poor radar. His fiance did not win a prize in "winning" him.

 

Big, big hugs to you.

[me85]

Also feeling a general sadness for losing what I considered a secure family unit (him and his son). Can anyone relate? No, I don't want to be with him again, but I miss the feeling and security of having that to go home to everyday. After the intense emotions surrounding the breakup subsided, I struggled quite a bit with a general sense of lack of direction. I realized that he and his son truly anchored me in my life and gave me a sense of purpose. I feel like I'm just floating through life with no purpose or direction, at times petrified of what the future may or may not hold. I'm truly living day by day. I'm sure all of this is normal to feel after everything that has happened. Can anyone relate or offer advice?

 

I can 100% relate to this. This is exactly what taught me how dependent I was on my previous boyfriends to give me a sense of purpose, make me happy and basically distract me from myself/save me from myself. Which is all wrong. Way wrong. All this time (17 months) of being single has really been such a blessing. I learned a whole heck of a lot about myself and what I was doing wrong in my RSs. I can't sit here and put all the blame on my exes. Truth is, a RS is supposed to be an extension of your happiness not the core source of it. That's a lie. Happiness comes from within you, you create it for yourself. It's supposed to begin and end with you. Yes, we get lonely and miss the connections we once had with exes and this is precisely the stage you're in again. I still feel like my current ex's home was my home too...I've never felt like I had a home until I moved in with him. Everything just fit. It's been extremely hard for me to detach myself from those feelings. I made a better life with my ex, his cats, my dog and with his family. I was very emotionally involved with every aspect of us. I had never felt that close to anyone in my entire life and it was yanked away from me. It was never really there to begin with on their part. I wasn't special. They didn't care. I was just another girl my ex brought to family get togethers.

 

Don't be sad B. You've gotten this far. (= We're all here for you.