I have had all of the confidence knocked out of me. Help!

[Moy]

Hi all, new member here. Happy New Year to you all!

 

I'm a 40 year-old male and I've been single for two years. During that time, I have had all of the confidence knocked out of me to the point where I now have social anxiety and can't go out in public unless I am wearing a cap pulled down, so that women can't see my face.

 

It all started in 2013. I tried my hand at plentyoffish, and all I had was messages ignored again and again, women messaging me to either tell me how ugly I am or to tell me off for not being attractive enough to message them in the first place. Don't get me wrong, I don't message 'hotties' as I know my place in the food chain.

 

In real life, I fell for someone just over a year ago. She was so offended that she hasn't spoken to me since.

 

I work out 5 times a week, I'm in shape, I work hard in my job, own my house and I'm not saddled with debt, and all I can get from women is an instant 'Eww!' I feel so ashamed of myself for not being attractive enough for anybody. I also found that being 5ft 8 is also a major hindrance, with many on pof scolding me for not being 6ft.

 

I'm now scared of women as I know the effect that I have on them. I rarely leave the house and I don't know what to do as it is slowly drowning me.

[Moy]

And yes, I know that the 'attributes' I listed above are all pretty external, but it's like you have to be 'super-perfect' externally before you even qualify to be recognised as a human being.

[acrosstheuniverse]

You need therapy, man. You sound like your self-esteem is SO rock bottom that you can't even live a regular life anymore. I can't imagine the kind of effect it must be having on your social life, working life, and ability to just be able to conduct your day to day business.

 

You need to forget about dating for now, forget about getting a girlfriend. I PROMISE you, there are humans all over the world from the most unattractive through to supermodels all having the same thing in common: trouble attracting a suitable partner. Even the best looking people complain that it's hard for them as they are never sure if someone wants them because they're attractive or whether it's because of what's inside. Everyone struggles romantically but I don't think the very cruel world of online dating is where you need to be right now. You're not ready for that until you can shrug off someone's cruel comment with a 'onto the next' mentality. I'm a relatively attractive female and I, and every hot woman I know, has had guys messaging with cruel comments about one thing or another.

 

I honestly think you need to get in touch with some kind of therapist or counsellor to work through your poor self-esteem and fear of women, once you are happy with yourself again you may be able to find happiness with somebody else. But relationships aren't the be all and end all of life remember. Until you feel perfectly happy alone, it's unlikely a great partner will come along to complement that.

 

I mean you have probably looking similar your whole life... and you've had success meeting women before, right? Don't end up with a complex about your height, the average woman is shorter than that and most women are just into a guy being the same height or taller. I'm 5ft 9 and have happily dated 5ft 8 dudes before. If you have a lot to offer someone inside, the package is very often a secondary consideration.

[Satu]

Take your profile down and get some therapy.

 

Not because there's anything 'wrong' with you, but because of the way you see yourself, and because what you are feeling is so very painful.

[Moy]

You need therapy, man. You sound like your self-esteem is SO rock bottom that you can't even live a regular life anymore. I can't imagine the kind of effect it must be having on your social life, working life, and ability to just be able to conduct your day to day business.

 

You need to forget about dating for now, forget about getting a girlfriend. I PROMISE you, there are humans all over the world from the most unattractive through to supermodels all having the same thing in common: trouble attracting a suitable partner. Even the best looking people complain that it's hard for them as they are never sure if someone wants them because they're attractive or whether it's because of what's inside. Everyone struggles romantically but I don't think the very cruel world of online dating is where you need to be right now. You're not ready for that until you can shrug off someone's cruel comment with a 'onto the next' mentality. I'm a relatively attractive female and I, and every hot woman I know, has had guys messaging with cruel comments about one thing or another.

 

I honestly think you need to get in touch with some kind of therapist or counsellor to work through your poor self-esteem and fear of women, once you are happy with yourself again you may be able to find happiness with somebody else. But relationships aren't the be all and end all of life remember. Until you feel perfectly happy alone, it's unlikely a great partner will come along to complement that.

 

I mean you have probably looking similar your whole life... and you've had success meeting women before, right? Don't end up with a complex about your height, the average woman is shorter than that and most women are just into a guy being the same height or taller. I'm 5ft 9 and have happily dated 5ft 8 dudes before. If you have a lot to offer someone inside, the package is very often a secondary consideration.

 

Thank you so much for your response. I've been seeing a psychologist since October, my next appointment is on Friday.

[Moy]

Take your profile down and get some therapy.

 

Not because there's anything 'wrong' with you, but because of the way you see yourself, and because what you are feeling is so very painful.

 

Thank you for your reply. Don't worry, I've long since deleted my profile on there.

[Satu]

Thank you for your reply. Don't worry, I've long since deleted my profile on there.

 

You've made a couple of good decisions there.

 

Based on that, I think you'll make progress.

 

How do you feel about the therapy/therapist so far?

[acrosstheuniverse]

Thank you so much for your response. I've been seeing a psychologist since October, my next appointment is on Friday.

 

That's awesome. Great job with that. Taking that huge first step is daunting, but such a positive thing to do for yourself.

 

How do you feel about knocking the dating on the head, for now? Would you feel comfortable with trying to forget all about dating and women for the near future?

 

What does your psychologist thing, btw?

[Moy]

You've made a couple of good decisions there.

 

Based on that, I think you'll make progress.

 

How do you feel about the therapy/therapist so far?

 

It's opening up some deep wounds at the moment, but it's bound to. It's like everybody is telling me to believe that I'm an orange, when I'm convinced that I'm an apple.

[Moy]

That's awesome. Great job with that. Taking that huge first step is daunting, but such a positive thing to do for yourself.

 

How do you feel about knocking the dating on the head, for now? Would you feel comfortable with trying to forget all about dating and women for the near future?

 

What does your psychologist thing, btw?

 

I have only been out once socially since March. I don't even look at women now as I think that I've no right to. My psychologist certainly believes that I shouldn't consider dating.

I know that I'm not in the right place at all, but I just want to actually feel attractive again ad two years of constant negative feedback have pretty much crippled me in every aspect of my life.

[Satu]

It's opening up some deep wounds at the moment, but it's bound to. It's like everybody is telling me to believe that I'm an orange, when I'm convinced that I'm an apple.

 

That its painful means you are addressing the right issues.

 

Been there, done that.

 

You seem a really nice person, by the way.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I have only been out once socially since March. I don't even look at women now as I think that I've no right to. My psychologist certainly believes that I shouldn't consider dating.

I know that I'm not in the right place at all, but I just want to actually feel attractive again ad two years of constant negative feedback have pretty much crippled me in every aspect of my life.

 

Man that's rough.

 

Do you feel even like you have no right to go out and enjoy a drink with a male friend, not speaking to women? I can almost understand someone thinking they don't deserve to be dating, but... it's so bad you can't go grocery shopping with your face uncovered?

[Erised]

I'm so sorry that people treated you less than. That's horrible.

 

Others are right that counselling is needed before you can date. You have to be okay with yourself.

 

I can assure you that despite bad experiences, that's not all that is out there.

[Moy]

Man that's rough.

 

Do you feel even like you have no right to go out and enjoy a drink with a male friend, not speaking to women? I can almost understand someone thinking they don't deserve to be dating, but... it's so bad you can't go grocery shopping with your face uncovered?

 

My cap is my shield! Even if I went for a drink with a male friend, there would still be women there, so I'd likely face the onset of a panic attack.

[Diezel]

Online dating is rough, specially with someone with a shaky foundation when it comes to self-esteem.

 

By the way, I am 5'8, and I have NEVER seen it as a hindrance. Also, I am slightly balding in the back of my head. True story, most men I know would let that affect their confidence. I DIDNT KNOW I was balding til after a year. My barber told me it had been at least 11-12 months since then.

 

A lot of men let that shake their confidence. I didn't.

 

Point is, there are things we externalize as the fault when the reality is that it is mostly internal. Start with fixing the inside, women are far more drawn to confidence in the real world than they are on online dating. Everything is face value there.

[Moy]

Online dating is rough, specially with someone with a shaky foundation when it comes to self-esteem.

 

By the way, I am 5'8, and I have NEVER seen it as a hindrance. Also, I am slightly balding in the back of my head. True story, most men I know would let that affect their confidence. I DIDNT KNOW I was balding til after a year. My barber told me it had been at least 11-12 months since then.

 

A lot of men let that shake their confidence. I didn't.

 

Point is, there are things we externalize as the fault when the reality is that it is mostly internal. Start with fixing the inside, women are far more drawn to confidence in the real world than they are on online dating. Everything is face value there.

 

This is the $64,000 question. How do I find confidence when I've been led to believe that I'm nothing.

Edited January 4, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Erised]

This is the $64,000 question. How do I find confidence when I've been led to believe that I'm nothing.

 

 

 

 

I mean, the being depressed comes through very loudly on your shares, and I could see where someone would not be interested because of that - but that's why you're in counselling.

Edited January 4, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[toscaroscura]

This is the $64,000 question. How do I find confidence when I've been led to believe that I'm nothing.

 

 

 

 

I can understand where you are coming from. I grew up bullied and entered my 20s terribly insecure and downtrodden. I was not ugly, nor a terrible person, but when I had zero confidence, it was like the world put a "kick me" sign on my back. Utter strangers would think they could abuse me and say anything they wished to my face! I remember always wondering why people just thought they could treat me badly.

 

It's amazing what confidence can do. Now things are VERY different. It has nothing to do with looks or external factors, but believing you are worth standing up for and worth basic respect. Back then I thought I had no right to express my feelings or opinions, no right to stand up to people, and I was terrified of people not liking me (because that's why they abused me right? I must get everyone to like me, that will solve my problems! Not.)

 

Continue your therapy, and know that you are worth respect and love.

Edited January 4, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Moy]

I can understand where you are coming from. I grew up bullied and entered my 20s terribly insecure and downtrodden. I was not ugly, nor a terrible person, but when I had zero confidence, it was like the world put a "kick me" sign on my back. Utter strangers would think they could abuse me and say anything they wished to my face! I remember always wondering why people just thought they could treat me badly.

 

It's amazing what confidence can do. Now things are VERY different. It has nothing to do with looks or external factors, but believing you are worth standing up for and worth basic respect. Back then I thought I had no right to express my feelings or opinions, no right to stand up to people, and I was terrified of people not liking me (because that's why they abused me right? I must get everyone to like me, that will solve my problems! Not.)

 

Continue your therapy, and know that you are worth respect and love.

 

Thank you. How did you overcome this?

Edited January 4, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[toscaroscura]

Thank you. Regarding your second paragraph, how did you overcome this?

 

Honestly? I just got angry.

 

There was an incident when I went to some kind of expo show with my mom when I was in my early 20s. There were displays and samples everywhere, for touching and sampling, and I touched one. Well, apparently the man in charge of that display(an utter stranger and old enough to be my father) didn't want me touching it and went batsh*t crazy on me in front of the crowd of people, humiliating me until I cried. I said nothing; I just took it like I always take it.

 

Stuff like this happened to me ALL. THE. TIME. Since I was a small girl.

 

But right after that, something inside me just snapped. I was tired of it. This was enough!! Tired of never standing up for myself and letting people run roughshod over me. Tired of caring about whether people who were not worth my time liked me or not.

 

I wish I had a more concrete answer other than "and from that moment on, random strangers stopped abusing me".

 

It took a number of years before all of my anxiety and people-pleasing were scrubbed from my hard drive, but what really helped with that was going through Army basic training recently. After that, suddenly other people's negative emotions directed at me don't seem so scary at all!

 

Now, I know my worth and I really don't give a flying hoot whether anyone likes me, except my son, and they better not cross my boundaries or they are going to get me in their face. Not in an angry, fighting way, but I have no issue looking someone directly in the eyes and telling them they're being a sh*t. There was a coworker just yesterday who thought he could make snide comments to me about my job. I turned to him and was just like, "Do you have a problem?" and held the eye contact until he became uncomfortable and laughed, saying no of course not! Old Me would have just taken his abuse and cried about him not liking me.

[William]

Folks, posting of real life images of members is prohibited under our anonymity guidelines so such discussion was deleted or edited. Feel free to continue discussion of the interpersonal relationship issues outlined in the starting post. Responses may be slightly delayed.

[Moy]

Honestly? I just got angry.

 

There was an incident when I went to some kind of expo show with my mom when I was in my early 20s. There were displays and samples everywhere, for touching and sampling, and I touched one. Well, apparently the man in charge of that display(an utter stranger and old enough to be my father) didn't want me touching it and went batsh*t crazy on me in front of the crowd of people, humiliating me until I cried. I said nothing; I just took it like I always take it.

 

Stuff like this happened to me ALL. THE. TIME. Since I was a small girl.

 

But right after that, something inside me just snapped. I was tired of it. This was enough!! Tired of never standing up for myself and letting people run roughshod over me. Tired of caring about whether people who were not worth my time liked me or not.

 

I wish I had a more concrete answer other than "and from that moment on, random strangers stopped abusing me".

 

It took a number of years before all of my anxiety and people-pleasing were scrubbed from my hard drive, but what really helped with that was going through Army basic training recently. After that, suddenly other people's negative emotions directed at me don't seem so scary at all!

 

Now, I know my worth and I really don't give a flying hoot whether anyone likes me, except my son, and they better not cross my boundaries or they are going to get me in their face. Not in an angry, fighting way, but I have no issue looking someone directly in the eyes and telling them they're being a sh*t. There was a coworker just yesterday who thought he could make snide comments to me about my job. I turned to him and was just like, "Do you have a problem?" and held the eye contact until he became uncomfortable and laughed, saying no of course not! Old Me would have just taken his abuse and cried about him not liking me.

 

Thanks. I need a thicker skin!

[JuneJulySeptember]

I'm not sure if I fully believe you about the women making comments about how ugly you are.

 

I am less attractive that you (at least in a consensus/objective sense), and women never message me to tell me how ugly I am.

 

But regarding the mass rejection, that is something and that happens a lot. Many posts have been made about men regarding massive rejection both online and off.

 

And yes, it's hard to imagine a thing like that wouldn't take your confidence down a notch or two, at least temporarily.

[Moy]

I'm not sure if I fully believe you about the women making comments about how ugly you are.

 

I am less attractive that you (at least in a consensus/objective sense), and women never message me to tell me how ugly I am.

 

But regarding the mass rejection, that is something and that happens a lot. Many posts have been made about men regarding massive rejection both online and off.

 

And yes, it's hard to imagine a thing like that wouldn't take your confidence down a notch or two, at least temporarily.

 

I only wish that I'd have screengrabbed some of the messages on POF. They ranged from 'You look grossssssss' (with lots of s's, maybe a snake stole her login) to 'I thought I said on my profile don't message me unless you're attractive.' These were unsolicited messages, too! Well, barring the one messaging me back to tell me off...

 

But I've read enough regarding OLD to know that the free sites are a haven for the strange!

Edited January 4, 2015 by Moy

[JuneJulySeptember]

I only wish that I'd have screengrabbed some of the messages on POF. They ranged from 'You look grossssssss' (with lots of s's, maybe a snake stole her login) to 'I thought I said on my profile don't message me unless you're attractive.' These were unsolicited messages, too!

 

But I've read enough regarding OLD to know that the free sites are a haven for the strange!

 

OK, if so then sorry. Lord knows I've dealt with my share.

 

I would suggest staying away from women like that. You can usually tell who they are. They're all dolled up, probably have a lot of selfie shots and glam shots, say things in their profile to suggest they are really aggressive and have 'cutie, hottie, queen, or princess' as part of their screenname.

 

You also messaged a woman who said "Please be attractive to message me." I wouldn't do that. Screams of superficiality.

 

It's a pretty good bet that if you message a woman who has a few extra pounds, has a kid, and pics of herself hiking, she is less likely to say something like that.

 

Also, get off the free sites. Match is better. If you are an immature, mean, attention seeking princess, then why would you pay for that when you can get guys messaging you for free.

Edited January 4, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember