Author Moy Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 OK, if so then sorry. Lord knows I've dealt with my share. I would suggest staying away from women like that. You can usually tell who they are. They're all dolled up, probably have a lot of selfie shots and glam shots, say things in their profile to suggest they are really aggressive and have 'cutie, hottie, queen, or princess' as part of their screenname. You also messaged a woman who said "Please be attractive to message me." I wouldn't do that. Screams of superficiality. It's a pretty good bet that if you message a woman who has a few extra pounds, has a kid, and pics of herself hiking, she is less likely to say something like that. The rude messages have ranged across a broad spectrum of physical attractiveness. None of them were particularly glammed up. The 'you look grossssss' message was from somebody who was obese. I never message good looking women anyway, as I'd never be good enough. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Well, Moy, you've only been single two years, so before that you managed to attract a woman, so you shouldn't start thinking of yourself as undatable because of some comments on online dating. Listen, a lot of the people on online dating are probably not even women or not even adults. Imagine how many people are on there just to mess with people and be mean because they're too cowardly to be mean in person. So please don't take anyone who is coming out and saying you're ugly with any seriousness because obviously, they are really mean and probably pranksters, so who cares what they think? Even good looking people have big problems with online dating getting mad people and insulting people or finding someone attractive. So of course you too will have problems. My guess is online dating is not your best tool for finding dates. Probably meeting them in person where they can see your personality is your best bet. You are not too short at 5'8." There are plenty of guys that height doing just fine. Online dating is just not for you because so many people are only looking at the photo. As long as you don't try to date younger, you will find someone, so to filter out some of those mean people, at least up your age range that you're looking for to target more mature ladies. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moy Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 Well, Moy, you've only been single two years, so before that you managed to attract a woman, so you shouldn't start thinking of yourself as undatable because of some comments on online dating. Listen, a lot of the people on online dating are probably not even women or not even adults. Imagine how many people are on there just to mess with people and be mean because they're too cowardly to be mean in person. So please don't take anyone who is coming out and saying you're ugly with any seriousness because obviously, they are really mean and probably pranksters, so who cares what they think? Even good looking people have big problems with online dating getting mad people and insulting people or finding someone attractive. So of course you too will have problems. My guess is online dating is not your best tool for finding dates. Probably meeting them in person where they can see your personality is your best bet. You are not too short at 5'8." There are plenty of guys that height doing just fine. Online dating is just not for you because so many people are only looking at the photo. As long as you don't try to date younger, you will find someone, so to filter out some of those mean people, at least up your age range that you're looking for to target more mature ladies. I'm 40. I was 39 when I was on POF and the only thing resembling interest that I received was from 50-53 year olds (POF has a 14 year age gap limit on messaging, hence the age 53 cut-off.) Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 This is the $64,000 question. How do I find confidence when I've been led to believe that I'm nothing. By learning to believe in your own inherent value. I mean fully believe and actually feel it. No, it's not easy to change beliefs but it definitely can be done! You know what I have written on my profile... "I believe everyone is inherently valuable, deserving of respect, appreciation and the opportunity to live a happy, rewarding life. I'd like to meet someone who shares my values" I truly believe that and I do my best to live it. I had to dig myself out of a hole after my divorce several years ago too... and you know what, it's doable. Not easy, but doable. Putting that statement on my profile acts as a filter to attract people who are not superficial, and to repel those with arrogance and superiority complexes. Find a way to be around those who can see through a facade, not those hiding behind one. When someone puts you down, it says a lot more about them than it does about you. Getting your self-confidence and self-esteem back will allow you to see everything differently. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." --Eleanor Roosevelt 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kolleamm Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 Hey OP, don't feel too down on yourself. Sometimes the problem arises when we tend to envision ourselves as being the only ones that are out of place in this world. Just look at all of the constant love related problem being posted on this site including from myself that aren't even close to being a relationship status problem. There's a whole universe out there of things to be discovered, and I'm pretty sure you can still find someone. I know you said you work out but maybe you could still improve on your body? Trim facial hair? Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 Getting social anxiety as a result of struggling with women I find weird. If you had said depression then I would get it. Your poor + nasty experiences with OLD would knock the confidence out of lots of people. I didn't get any nasty responses from women on OLD, but IRL trying to chat them up, especially in bars, yep. Its good you got off OLD and are seeing a therapist. The fact that you are regularly going to the gym is good, but alas it doesn't seem to be helping with your self esteem so I assume you are not making the progress you want. Also, how were things when it came to women in your 20s & 30s. I have to assume you were not a smash hit otherwise you would not have your confidence collapse to such an extent (though OLD for an avg guy can be hard). Can you not build on success you had with past gfs for your self esteem? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moy Posted January 5, 2015 Author Share Posted January 5, 2015 Getting social anxiety as a result of struggling with women I find weird. If you had said depression then I would get it. Your poor + nasty experiences with OLD would knock the confidence out of lots of people. I didn't get any nasty responses from women on OLD, but IRL trying to chat them up, especially in bars, yep. Its good you got off OLD and are seeing a therapist. The fact that you are regularly going to the gym is good, but alas it doesn't seem to be helping with your self esteem so I assume you are not making the progress you want. Also, how were things when it came to women in your 20s & 30s. I have to assume you were not a smash hit otherwise you would not have your confidence collapse to such an extent (though OLD for an avg guy can be hard). Can you not build on success you had with past gfs for your self esteem? I was bullied throughout my teens for my appearance, and I shied away from girls because of it. If I went out socially then I had to get extremely drunk to calm my anxiety. Was a virgin til I was 24, only had two gfs in my life and both of them ended up cheating on me and leavig me for someone else. I never felt good enough for them when I was with them, it was a constant game of Russian Roulette, waiting for the day that they'd come to their senses and realise that they could do better. Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 (edited) I was bullied throughout my teens for my appearance, and I shied away from girls because of it. If I went out socially then I had to get extremely drunk to calm my anxiety. Was a virgin til I was 24, only had two gfs in my life and both of them ended up cheating on me and leavig me for someone else. I never felt good enough for them when I was with them, it was a constant game of Russian Roulette, waiting for the day that they'd come to their senses and realise that they could do better. Sorry to hear that. The late teens are very formative years and I find how people experienced life then often has a big bearing on their self esteem and nature through life. I would have been good if you had discovered some successful treatment for your anxiety when younger (meds, CBT, hypnotism, herbs & supps) that you could call on again now and know you can overcome your current bout of it. I find too often guys that struggle with women get cheated on or the women treat them crappy because the women pick up on it and lose respect for them. It seems though with your mindset that for you it might have been somewhat self fulfilling. It could easily happen again with your next one unless you can build your confidence up and go about the relationship differently this time (no more mr nice guy /take the red pill). You'll definitely need to deal with the anxiety and self doubt though. It might not be a quick easy fix since its been long standing. Definitely keep the gym going and switch focus to body building. Good luck Edited January 5, 2015 by ascendotum Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moy Posted January 6, 2015 Author Share Posted January 6, 2015 Don't you worry, bodybuilding is my release...although I've a LONG way to go, yet. Link to post Share on other sites
sharkbite0 Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 all of the above is true, and do yourself a favor. Every now and then when I'm very depressed I force myself to look in the mirror or just say it out loud in the car that I'm f*cking awesome and a great person that deserves to be happy, say it over and over, get yourself to believe it...cause it's true. F*ck everyone who says otherwise, be yourself and be awesome, because 30 years from now you'll be an old man with many years behind you and think....I should have just torn up that dance floor of a world and been the kickass person that I am. Height- Forget it man, there are dwarfs out there....people a lot smaller than you living happy lives, tiny girls that want nothing to do with a guy over 6' just relax and take it day by day. also, when i had trouble with women....I'd go out and attempt a simple nod and smile, maybe a simple "hello" simple dumb and easy...but with a nice response can give you that little boost to let you know that it's all gonna be okay. Goodluck and when your troubles hit... fuhgeddaboudit Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moy Posted January 6, 2015 Author Share Posted January 6, 2015 all of the above is true, and do yourself a favor. Every now and then when I'm very depressed I force myself to look in the mirror or just say it out loud in the car that I'm f*cking awesome and a great person that deserves to be happy, say it over and over, get yourself to believe it...cause it's true. F*ck everyone who says otherwise, be yourself and be awesome, because 30 years from now you'll be an old man with many years behind you and think....I should have just torn up that dance floor of a world and been the kickass person that I am. Height- Forget it man, there are dwarfs out there....people a lot smaller than you living happy lives, tiny girls that want nothing to do with a guy over 6' just relax and take it day by day. also, when i had trouble with women....I'd go out and attempt a simple nod and smile, maybe a simple "hello" simple dumb and easy...but with a nice response can give you that little boost to let you know that it's all gonna be okay. Goodluck and when your troubles hit... fuhgeddaboudit Thanks. I'll try! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moy Posted January 7, 2015 Author Share Posted January 7, 2015 And just to reiterate, right now I'm not looking for a girlfriend, I just want to feel good enough for one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moy Posted January 8, 2015 Author Share Posted January 8, 2015 <--- Oh, and that's my avatar incase you're wondering what I actually look like! Link to post Share on other sites
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