Affair with close friends husband

[MuddyFootprints]

No.

I do ok.

I avoid them when I am feeling too much. I stay busy doing other things.

 

I wear my feelings on my face, I'm not an actor. I genuinely care for their entire family and that's what shows.

 

Nomination worthy. Truly.

[SoleMate]

I know you don't want a lecture, and won't listen to one. I'm just going to give you some factual feedback on one specific topic:

 

I get to see him often, not just in sneaky situations, but i have actually spent a large amount of time doing things like camping watching movies swimming going places with him by himself with the kids or my kids or with them in the family and our family..

Holidays, vacations .. And just lazy time hanging out.

In fact, you spending time with your AP, but in a facially "innocent" setting, is as sneaky or more sneaky than slipping off to the No-Tell Motel with him. You're pretending to be in a completely different role compared to the truth (as is he, of course....but he didn't post here, and probably won't.....YOU did, so my advice is for you). So yes, all that great "family" time is sneaky.

 

To thine own self be true. Who are you, really? What do you want, really? Do you have a history of shooting yourself in the foot or being out of touch with reality and consequences? If not, then be aware that affair fog has descended. This is the time when the thing you want LEAST to hear, is what you most need to know.

[sunburned]

I'm not stupid.

 

 

Well, thank God. It sure seems that way.

 

 

You have been posting the same "I know it's wrong but I don't need a lecture" drivel for a year. Then you complain when people taking the time to respond to you suggest you divorce. Or confess. Or go no contact.

 

 

There's a whole new crop of posters here, vs. a year ago (plus many of us "oldies" knocking about). They're all saying the same thing, which can be summarized as STOP. Why do you post if you don't want to even consider the advice offered? You can't ask a question then tell people what they can and can't say to you. It's a public forum.

 

 

You rarely offer help to anyone else posting questions or looking for support on this board. Honestly sometimes you come across as just needing to gloat about your situation every so often.

 

 

I think you have been emboldened by the fact that your A has gone another year undetected. Don't let that give you a false sense of security. Heck, it could go another five, only making your ending that much uglier for everyone involved and there are a lot of you. It is so unfair to your H and your "FRIEND." I was a WW myself so I can't throw stones, but how can you do this for so long to your spouse and neighbor? You let her open up to you about her marriage trouble (fighting, limited sex, etc) and you seem to feed off these tidbits. The consequences of this double betrayal are going to be devastating.

[elaine567]

You let her open up to you about her marriage trouble (fighting, limited sex, etc) and you seem to feed off these tidbits. The consequences of this double betrayal are going to be devastating.

 

I am sorry, but that is just so sad for that poor woman who thinks you are her best friend and all the time you had her husband are laughing and f'king behind her back... WOW!

 

I can have a bit of a soft spot for some single OW, especially if young, naive and vulnerable. They are taken in by the older more experienced MM. They are often "in love", but are just being used most of the time and get very hurt, by manipulative married men.

 

But this situation is evil, no getting away from that...

[violet1]

My question is why exactly are you posting? We know you don't want advice. I'm not attacking you, I'm just curious, what exactly do you want from this forum? Do you just want to vent? Hear from people in similar situations? Tell us all we're wrong because you haven't been caught yet? I was pretty harsh on you on your last threads, but I've learned that you can't tell another adult how to live. It's your choice, you know that. There's consequences to every choice, but you know that too. At least that's what you've been telling us.

 

 

A few more questions, what exactly are you getting out of this affair? Is he fulfilling what's missing in your marriage? Are you at least trying to make things work with your H? Do think he will forgive you if you get caught? Last one, you've stated in the past your lives are intertwined and you would have a lot to lose. Do you believe your affair is truly worth the risks of losing everything- family business, family home, children, friendships?

 

 

If anything Layla, I worry about you and your situation. Lying to people you love on a daily basis isn't a healthy way to live. Pining for another man while you're away from him isn't healthy for the marriage you intend to stay in. Since day one of reading your story, I strongly believe you are on a path of self destruction. Even if you don't get caught, you will eventually lose yourself. One day you won't be able to recognize yourself in the mirror. Affairs change people and not in a good, admirable way. All I can do now is shrug my shoulders and tell you good luck.

[gettingstronger]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sunburned

You let her open up to you about her marriage trouble (fighting, limited sex, etc) and you seem to feed off these tidbits. The consequences of this double betrayal are going to be devastating.

 

 

I see it differently. I think the wife feeds her the tidbits to keep her hooked. I feel the husband and wife are in it together and Layla feeds their sex life. I think she's the pawn, not the wife. So many little things the wife says and does seem to make it seem like she knows and it's actually a part of her and her husbands sex life. She feeds the OPs desire for her husband.

[darkmoon]

i think he enjoys what you both do obviously likes you, but he sees sex, nothing more, he is happily married or he would divorce and some dump the mistress if they do divorce

 

this man is just using you for sex, you must realize that his wife is a good one

[LaylaSings]

Well, thank God. It sure seems that way.

 

 

You have been posting the same "I know it's wrong but I don't need a lecture" drivel for a year. Then you complain when people taking the time to respond to you suggest you divorce. Or confess. Or go no contact.

 

 

There's a whole new crop of posters here, vs. a year ago (plus many of us "oldies" knocking about). They're all saying the same thing, which can be summarized as STOP. Why do you post if you don't want to even consider the advice offered? You can't ask a question then tell people what they can and can't say to you. It's a public forum.

 

 

You rarely offer help to anyone else posting questions or looking for support on this board. Honestly sometimes you come across as just needing to gloat about your situation every so often.

 

 

I think you have been emboldened by the fact that your A has gone another year undetected. Don't let that give you a false sense of security. Heck, it could go another five, only making your ending that much uglier for everyone involved and there are a lot of you. It is so unfair to your H and your "FRIEND." I was a WW myself so I can't throw stones, but how can you do this for so long to your spouse and neighbor? You let her open up to you about her marriage trouble (fighting, limited sex, etc) and you seem to feed off these tidbits. The consequences of this double betrayal are going to be devastating.

 

 

I rarely offer help or advice? How would you even know that, since most of the people I talk to here, I talk to through private message.

 

I do not post a lot offering advice because in what position am I to give advice?? Although I have at times when I thought I could help.

 

I am certainly not here to gloat. I come here to find like-minded people somebody that's been in my position and I have found some I talk to them through private message but I seldom come here anymore because of the judgment and the way people seem to ignore what the first post says, and give whatever advice they seem to think it's necessary even when nobody asked for it and it's already been given 1 million times before. I have made several different threads and several posts where I AM asking for advice on ending my marriage or the affair.

 

I didn't here and actually made clear I wasn't looking for that.

[LaylaSings]

I am sorry, but that is just so sad for that poor woman who thinks you are her best friend and all the time you had her husband are laughing and f'king behind her back... WOW!

 

I can have a bit of a soft spot for some single OW, especially if young, naive and vulnerable. They are taken in by the older more experienced MM. They are often "in love", but are just being used most of the time and get very hurt, by manipulative married men.

 

But this situation is evil, no getting away from that...

 

Do you know the whole situation?

We certainly do not laugh behind anyone's back!

[LaylaSings]

My question is why exactly are you posting? We know you don't want advice. I'm not attacking you, I'm just curious, what exactly do you want from this forum? Do you just want to vent? Hear from people in similar situations? Tell us all we're wrong because you haven't been caught yet? I was pretty harsh on you on your last threads, but I've learned that you can't tell another adult how to live. It's your choice, you know that. There's consequences to every choice, but you know that too. At least that's what you've been telling us.

 

 

A few more questions, what exactly are you getting out of this affair? Is he fulfilling what's missing in your marriage? Are you at least trying to make things work with your H? Do think he will forgive you if you get caught? Last one, you've stated in the past your lives are intertwined and you would have a lot to lose. Do you believe your affair is truly worth the risks of losing everything- family business, family home, children, friendships?

 

 

If anything Layla, I worry about you and your situation. Lying to people you love on a daily basis isn't a healthy way to live. Pining for another man while you're away from him isn't healthy for the marriage you intend to stay in. Since day one of reading your story, I strongly believe you are on a path of self destruction. Even if you don't get caught, you will eventually lose yourself. One day you won't be able to recognize yourself in the mirror. Affairs change people and not in a good, admirable way. All I can do now is shrug my shoulders and tell you good luck.

 

Just the first part.. I have taken a lot of advice given here but it's been from people who have been through something similar.

 

I'm not proud of this or gloating. I go to another site almost daily to talk to people.. I haven't come here in months because this is how it goes here and it doesn't help anyone.

 

They want to call telling you your evil and stupid 'advice'

 

It's ridiculous.

 

I post elsewhere normally.

 

Sometimes I post here and find someone who really understands.. The deaths I experienced and abuse and all that wrapped up with thr affair .. The whole picture.. I've found a few pretty solid people from here but mostly found judgment

[LaylaSings]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sunburned

You let her open up to you about her marriage trouble (fighting, limited sex, etc) and you seem to feed off these tidbits. The consequences of this double betrayal are going to be devastating.

 

 

I see it differently. I think the wife feeds her the tidbits to keep her hooked. I feel the husband and wife are in it together and Layla feeds their sex life. I think she's the pawn, not the wife. So many little things the wife says and does seem to make it seem like she knows and it's actually a part of her and her husbands sex life. She feeds the OPs desire for her husband.

 

This is another one I've seen before.

Be original at least.

 

You do not know her at all clearly, she would have had to start her acting long before we met.

[LaylaSings]

i think he enjoys what you both do obviously likes you, but he sees sex, nothing more, he is happily married or he would divorce and some dump the mistress if they do divorce

 

this man is just using you for sex, you must realize that his wife is a good one

 

Divorce was considered by both of thrm lots but he really really gets upset about not being with his kids 100

 

Same as me

Neither of us want a divorce.

 

If it was only about sex he would not have chosen me! Honestly.. You don't know the situation, so far off.

 

And he doesn't get enough sex for it to be about that

[harrybrown]

Why don't you tell your H that you want an open marriage?

 

And have the OM tell his wife the same. Then your H and his wife will be able to enjoy the same relationships without you having any guilt or any consequences for ever getting caught?

[cif]

You say you think about him all the time but don't meet/have sex often. It seems you're engulfed in a fantasy.

 

No question was posed in the op. I suggest you start reading up on living authentically. You are lying to yourself as well as those around you and only a matter of time before you break off from reality. The end will not be good.

[Mal78]

I come here once in a while because I am a BS. I don't come to critique or pass judgement as I believe we all own our own mistakes. I come to understand those who might resemble my own circumstances and experience to get a better understanding of the mindset.

 

I am curious, how do you council your friend when she addresses her marital issues? Do you advise her different than you would if you weren't having a PA with her husband?

 

My H had a PA with a close friend of mine. When he was ready to be done it was done... for all of us. I think that was the only way he saw us moving forward and it ending for good.

 

I tried to call my friend the day after DDay. My intentions was to have a civil conversation with her and as soon as I heard the remorse and hurt in her voice I lost it. I yelled and hung up never to speak to her again. I still hear her voice as clear as day many years later and I am not angry, I'm sad. Like you, she was also hurting and not for just my H but as well as our friendship. I could FEEL it. She knew, in that moment that it was over and because she was SO ashamed she let *us* go. She didn't argue or fight it. She just let us go. Are you prepared to go this route?

 

I'm not sure how much value you put on your friendship with your friend but it may be salvaged. You could end this for her sake.

 

I have heard many stories of women, long term friends find out as widows about betrayal. They remain friends. They have notes to compare and laugh about.

 

If you value this A more I sadly think it will all crumble.

[LaylaSings]

You say you think about him all the time but don't meet/have sex often. It seems you're engulfed in a fantasy.

 

No question was posed in the op. I suggest you start reading up on living authentically. You are lying to yourself as well as those around you and only a matter of time before you break off from reality. The end will not be good.

 

We talk almost daily. But not all day every day.

I do not really I initiate often. I feel lots of guilt if I've initiated but I don't when he does. I'm aware that's sad.

I'm not in any fantasy.

 

You are using not meeting often as a strike against me? Really?

 

Talking is often more than enough.

 

I know it needs to be ended im just not ready to yet.

[spookysonata]

So what do you want then? You know it's wrong, but you don't plan to end it or get a divorce, and you don't want to hear anything critical. Oh, and you don't want to be judged. Then you disappear for awhile, until the next time you return with basically the same post and lather, rinse, repeat.

I honestly don't know what you want at this point. Maybe for someone to tell you what you're doing is okay, or at least justified? Or that you're not a terrible spouse and friend? If so, I wouldn't hold my breath.

Come back and post when it all blows up on you, at least then we might have some useful advice.

[LaylaSings]

I come here once in a while because I am a BS. I don't come to critique or pass judgement as I believe we all own our own mistakes. I come to understand those who might resemble my own circumstances and experience to get a better understanding of the mindset.

 

I am curious, how do you council your friend when she addresses her marital issues? Do you advise her different than you would if you weren't having a PA with her husband?

 

My H had a PA with a close friend of mine. When he was ready to be done it was done... for all of us. I think that was the only way he saw us moving forward and it ending for good.

 

I tried to call my friend the day after DDay. My intentions was to have a civil conversation with her and as soon as I heard the remorse and hurt in her voice I lost it. I yelled and hung up never to speak to her again. I still hear her voice as clear as day many years later and I am not angry, I'm sad. Like you, she was also hurting and not for just my H but as well as our friendship. I could FEEL it. She knew, in that moment that it was over and because she was SO ashamed she let *us* go. She didn't argue or fight it. She just let us go. Are you prepared to go this route?

 

I'm not sure how much value you put on your friendship with your friend but it may be salvaged. You could end this for her sake.

 

I have heard many stories of women, long term friends find out as widows about betrayal. They remain friends. They have notes to compare and laugh about.

 

If you value this A more I sadly think it will all crumble.

 

 

 

I do not think I give her different advice but people have pointed out I must:(

I can't explain it.

 

I do love her too.

It's so hard to put into words the mix of emotions and so hard that nobody even wants to try to understand because its 'so evil'

It really never started out like that at all and doesn't feel like that from where j stand.

 

I want them to be happy.

 

Yes. I've considreed one day when it ends one of us with move and it'll all be over. Sometimes I think i would make it work with my husband others I will leave when done raising the kids.. I don't know. But I don't, and wouldn't pursue him if he ended it. Or if it ended for any reason,

[spookysonata]

You're like an addict who tells herself she can stop anytime and it's not that bad anyway.

[spookysonata]

When you say you love her too, what does that mean to you? I'm really curious to hear this.

[amaysngrace]

I'm totally in love with my very good friend's husband. He and I talk a lot and I know all about their unhappy marriage, mostly from her.

 

I love them all. Him. Her. Their daughter.

 

He and the kid are great and she is hard to be around and not because of my feelings for him either, she's abrasive, but she has a really good heart.

 

It's really hard when they're away creating memories together on family vacations and all. They're not hardly ever intimate. They are more like roommates and business partners.

 

He invited me over years ago when he was home alone for a long weekend. I really wanted to. I still would want to be with him.

 

My love for her isn't what stops me though. My love for myself does.

[LaylaSings]

I'm totally in love with my very good friend's husband. He and I talk a lot and I know all about their unhappy marriage, mostly from her.

 

I love them all. Him. Her. Their daughter.

 

He and the kid are great and she is hard to be around and not because of my feelings for him either, she's abrasive, but she has a really good heart.

 

It's really hard when they're away creating memories together on family vacations and all. They're not hardly ever intimate. They are more like roommates and business partners.

 

He invited me over years ago when he was home alone for a long weekend. I really wanted to. I still would want to be with him.

 

My love for her isn't what stops me though. My love for myself does.

 

I wish all the time we had kept it at that.

Can't go back and the thought of losing him makes me sick. I need to get over it.. I know. I will. I keep thinking one day I'll be ready.

 

I don't initiate for months at a time.. Then will.. But he always comes and I never say no, and I am happy every time I hear from him.

 

I don't love myself at all.

[Popsicle]

I wish all the time we had kept it at that.

Can't go back and the thought of losing him makes me sick. I need to get over it.. I know. I will. I keep thinking one day I'll be ready.

 

I don't initiate for months at a time.. Then will.. But he always comes and I never say no, and I am happy every time I hear from him.

 

I don't love myself at all.

 

Awww......

[Scarlet2]

I first came here about a year ago trying to end my affair. We ended it for 6 weeks after new years last year.. But as of now are the closest we have ever been.

I can include a link if you need my back story.. But is anyone else really close to their AP's family? It feels like both a curse and a benefit.

 

Run along if you just came to waste your time telling me how horrible I should feel. I definitely have my moments and you typing a tantrum is unnecessary

 

I wouldn't say I am really close to them but I know my AP's family and they know of me but obviously not about the sex aspect. I knew them before anything physical happened. It would probably be more weird if we had sex first and then I met his family. When I agreed to the affair, I fully expected to be a situation like yours where we would all do things together, I believe in polygamy so it's not uncomfortable for me to be around his wife plus I've never seen them be affectionate but the affair didn't happen the way I expected. He kept me as a secret and we saw each other even less than when were were just friends. Knowing the family can indeed be a curse and a benefit. A curse because you know exactly why he's not with you at the moment but benefit because you can spend time with him without drawing suspicions and never have to hear excuses of why he can't spend time with you, you get to come along.

[violet1]

Just the first part.. I have taken a lot of advice given here but it's been from people who have been through something similar.

 

I'm not proud of this or gloating. I go to another site almost daily to talk to people.. I haven't come here in months because this is how it goes here and it doesn't help anyone.

 

They want to call telling you your evil and stupid 'advice'

 

It's ridiculous.

 

I post elsewhere normally.

 

Sometimes I post here and find someone who really understands.. The deaths I experienced and abuse and all that wrapped up with thr affair .. The whole picture.. I've found a few pretty solid people from here but mostly found judgment

I get what you are saying. When I was very deep in my affair, there was a place I would post almost every day too. The difference is I've had a D Day about a year ago (around the same time you started posting here) and it changed my entire outlook on affairs. I can't even lurk on that other forum now because I see that being on places like that helped me justify my affair even more. There are some posters here who can be a bit much, but in general no body likes to be lied to. It's hard to not judge when a person's behavior is based on lies. Only another person who lives a life of lies and deceit will understand and not judge you. That was the hardest pill for me to swallow when I was cheating. I wanted other people to understand, but when it comes to lying and cheating, it's not going to happen. There's nothing to understand when it comes to cheating. I get how it happens. People are selfish or have poor coping skills, but it's not okay in any circumstance.

 

 

BTW, I don't think you are evil, but I do believe you are going to end up destroying your life and family. If you do get to the point that you truly want to end your affair, you'll find out that a lot of us will be your biggest cheerleaders. If another person who actively cheats is considered being solid then I'll pass on being your definition of becoming a solid person. I never want to be a person who supports cheating ever again.