Affair with close friends husband

[MuddyFootprints]

I wish all the time we had kept it at that.

Can't go back and the thought of losing him makes me sick. I need to get over it.. I know. I will. I keep thinking one day I'll be ready.

 

I don't initiate for months at a time.. Then will.. But he always comes and I never say no, and I am happy every time I hear from him.

 

I don't love myself at all.

 

 

 

This whole situation's unhealthy and it's making you sick.

 

You don't have the control over this the way you imagine.

 

If you don't love yourself now, I guarantee the devastating destruction you are headed toward will cause you to loathe every part of being.

 

You need help focussing on a healthier perspective.

[thechild]

I do not think I give her different advice but people have pointed out I must:(

I can't explain it.

 

I do love her too.

It's so hard to put into words the mix of emotions and so hard that nobody even wants to try to understand because its 'so evil'

It really never started out like that at all and doesn't feel like that from where j stand.

 

I want them to be happy.

 

Yes. I've considreed one day when it ends one of us with move and it'll all be over. Sometimes I think i would make it work with my husband others I will leave when done raising the kids.. I don't know. But I don't, and wouldn't pursue him if he ended it. Or if it ended for any reason,

 

Love is a verb, not just an emotion. It's an action. Your actions are far from loving. Destroying two marriages is not loving. Lying to your "friend" and bs is not loving. Devaluing both yourself and your ap is not loving. Putting these kids in this situation is not loving. Using these kids as cover for your meetings is as about as far from loving as you can get.

 

You do not love your ap. You do not love your bs. You do not love your kids or his kids. You do not love your "friend." And worst of all, you do not even love yourself. Please, get yourself some therapy to help you work through these issues.

[Josmatjes]

I wish all the time we had kept it at that.

Can't go back and the thought of losing him makes me sick. I need to get over it.. I know. I will. I keep thinking one day I'll be ready.

 

I don't initiate for months at a time.. Then will.. But he always comes and I never say no, and I am happy every time I hear from him.

 

I don't love myself at all.

 

But you can start to love yourself by doing the right thing. I'm still struggling but I'm better than before. The past few months my self esteem was at an all time low. I felt everywhere I went people knew what a awful person I was...

I'll never be the same as I was before but I have to forgive myself for my mistakes... You do too....

[amaysngrace]

I wish all the time we had kept it at that.

Can't go back and the thought of losing him makes me sick. I need to get over it.. I know. I will. I keep thinking one day I'll be ready.

 

I don't initiate for months at a time.. Then will.. But he always comes and I never say no, and I am happy every time I hear from him.

 

I don't love myself at all.

 

That's exactly how I know I'd be with him. Weak. I still feel that way around him. It sucks because I know he and I would be a really good couple. We'd laugh and have fun and be totally into each other. They are like friends. She complains about him ALL the time. She complains about their marriage all the time too.

 

I respect and admire him. He's a really good man.

 

Their daughter is going off to college in less than three years and he's already expressed to me that he's dreading their kid being gone because she'll be giving him crap twice as much. Right now their kid takes half.

 

I'm no rocket scientist but I think self-love is the most important love of all. The relationship we have with ourselves should be strong and solid since we are the ones we spend ALL of our time with.

 

I hope you at least like yourself enough to learn how to love yourself.

[truncated]

I wish all the time we had kept it at that.

Can't go back and the thought of losing him makes me sick. I need to get over it.. I know. I will. I keep thinking one day I'll be ready.

 

I don't initiate for months at a time.. Then will.. But he always comes and I never say no, and I am happy every time I hear from him.

 

I don't love myself at all.

 

What is this affair doing to make you feel any better about yourself? It's like sticking a tiny band aid on a gaping would, hoping it will help. It dosn't, but it's too painful to tear it off and apply something better.

[Artie Lang]

no advice other than what has already been said. it's obvious you don't want to stop this. hopefully sometime along the way you truly have the intestinal fortitude to end this before you two get caught and bring these innocent families down with you.

 

 

cheating on someone is possibly one of the worst things you can do, but betraying a close friend in the process takes the cake.

 

 

truly feel sorry for the poor souls involved who are clueless to you betrayal.

[Josmatjes]

no advice other than what has already been said. it's obvious you don't want to stop this. hopefully sometime along the way you truly have the intestinal fortitude to end this before you two get caught and bring these innocent families down with you.

 

 

cheating on someone is possibly one of the worst things you can do, but betraying a close friend in the process takes the cake.

 

 

truly feel sorry for the poor souls involved who are clueless to you betrayal.

 

She's here for help not your nasty comments!!

[Poppy47]

Artie is always "spot on" with his comments.

 

She IS betraying a whole lot of people who trust her.... total self indulgence .

Poppy.

[darkmoon]

Divorce was considered by both of thrm lots but he really really gets upset about not being with his kids 100

 

Same as me

Neither of us want a divorce.

 

If it was only about sex he would not have chosen me! Honestly.. You don't know the situation, so far off.

 

And he doesn't get enough sex for it to be about that

 

do you think he prefers you to his wife and only you can relate to him?

[LaylaSings]

do you think he prefers you to his wife and only you can relate to him?

 

We both relate better to each other than we do to our spouses. But we have both have kids with our husband and wife.. Obviously you have a bond that is different with that person

We also both have other friends.

 

There are just certain things we bond over that we havent with anyone else. I don't know that he prefers me. It's just different. I prefer him to my husband in lots of ways but I still care about my husband, it's similar for him.

[Appreciate]

OP,

 

Your H and the MM's wife will not see things the way you do.. at all. They will not care about the "love" you and MM have for each other. They will care about the lies, betrayal, the sexual acts and the emotions that should have been reserved for them being given to someone else. When this blows up, none of you will remain friends, and two families -- all their hopes and dreams -- will be destroyed. And you ask no one to judge you? Why? Do we not judge people who have done horrible things to others? Your actions are not very loving, as others have pointed out. And you may feel connected and bonded to MM right now, but both you and he have the capacity to totally disregard the needs of people in your life that you love. I don't think you should expect sympathy, but people do want to give you guidance on how to make the best of the worst situation. My advice is to not drag it out and either end the friendship alltogether and refocus on your marriage, or come clean and let your BS's decide what they want. Throw yourselves at their mercy. If you hatch a plan with your MM to run off together, the pain will be even greater for your BS's. However, my guess is that you will try to "make it good for everyone" which is really an impossibility. All scenarios will lead to pain, so at this point is best to do what is honorable.

 

Your joke about MM not getting enough sex (with a smiley face attached to it) is exactly the kind of glib remark which would drive a knife through the heart of MM's wife.

[LaylaSings]

I did not ask that nobody judge me. People judge all the time, we judge ourselves, I'm not shocked or hurt by that.. I said this thread ,I wasn't asking for that.. There are others where I have come for brutal thruths, I didn't here though.

 

And judging and calling it 'advice' is really what I'm sick of here. People age free to do it, I can also choose not to respond

[LaylaSings]

OP,

 

Your H and the MM's wife will not see things the way you do.. at all. They will not care about the "love" you and MM have for each other. They will care about the lies, betrayal, the sexual acts and the emotions that should have been reserved for them being given to someone else. When this blows up, none of you will remain friends, and two families -- all their hopes and dreams -- will be destroyed. And you ask no one to judge you? Why? Do we not judge people who have done horrible things to others? Your actions are not very loving, as others have pointed out. And you may feel connected and bonded to MM right now, but both you and he have the capacity to totally disregard the needs of people in your life that you love. I don't think you should expect sympathy, but people do want to give you guidance on how to make the best of the worst situation. My advice is to not drag it out and either end the friendship alltogether and refocus on your marriage, or come clean and let your BS's decide what they want. Throw yourselves at their mercy. If you hatch a plan with your MM to run off together, the pain will be even greater for your BS's. However, my guess is that you will try to "make it good for everyone" which is really an impossibility. All scenarios will lead to pain, so at this point is best to do what is honorable.

 

Your joke about MM not getting enough sex (with a smiley face attached to it) is exactly the kind of glib remark which would drive a knife through the heart of MM's wife.

 

 

 

.., the smiley face and that sentence said he didn't get enough sex from ME for this to only be about sex. Had nothing to do with his wife and it's the truth.. And it's a response to being told that same thing a million times. It's clearly not just about sex. Clearly. millions of women to choose from he certainly wouldn't choose me for just sex.

 

Simple as that. I typed a smiley face. Doesn't represent my feelings on the whole thing obviously.

 

 

Someyhing that rings very true is that we both have the capacity to desregard feelings of those we love yes we do. He does for sure. I know it needs to be ended and have just said im not ready to yet but I do know

[LaylaSings]

When trying to say this is just about sex. It's obviously the people that said they read my posts didn't, and fine, you aren't required.. But making blind guesses about the situation is not helpful and its a waste of the time you took to type it to write what 50 people already have.

[gettingstronger]

This is another one I've seen before.

Be original at least.

 

You do not know her at all clearly, she would have had to start her acting long before we met.

 

 

There is something in it for her- why would a woman expose her husband as she does unless there was- she may be covering for her own affair, you may be part of their sexual fantasy, or a few other scenarios, none of which bode well for you in the long run- for a minute, put your pride aside and look and listen to what people are trying to tell you- you need to prepare for what comes next-it will be difficult but if you start now by being honest with yourself you will be in a better position to heal and move forward when the bomb drops- good luck to you-

[Friskyone4u]

I think the OP originally posted asking if it was good or bad that she was best friend with OM wife and knew their family and interacted with them. She obviously has no intention of stopping this until she is caught and I think she knows shenisndestroying two families but does not care so any advice along those lines is not what she is looking for.

I have a feeling she thinks her husband will forgive her when he catches her. My opinion still is that he will feel more betrayed by her humiliating him by doing this with someone in their social circle. She does not care. So stop beating her up

[irishguy]

Do you not think about what will happen to the kids when this crashes .They will be the ones to suffer the most .

[C0nfused117]

Wow. So... I've actually have first hand experience with this type of thing.

 

So.... Back when I was kid, about 16, sophomore year, I think it was actually the end of my sophomore year and going into summer. Anway's, My family (Mom, Dad,me, 1 little bro) were really great friends with another family (Mom, dad, 1 boy, 1 girl) The boy was one of my best friends all through my child hood. We played sports together and did all that jazz since we were kids, about 7 or 8. The two families were pretty close. The moms were good friends and the dads were good friends and the kids were all good friends.

 

Perfect little bunch.

 

Well, it all came crashing down.

 

I got home one day, after baseball practice to find a bunch of stuff on the lawn in trashbags.

 

My dads stuff, lol. And I was like, "Hey mom, um..... What's up".

 

She said, "oh well your father has been ****ing his best friends wife for the past year and he's moving out. Today"

 

I called my Best friend of course and he answered and told me that his dad had beat the **** outta my dad at the gym earlier that day, knocked him out cold lol. He said his mom has been crying in their room.

 

My dad was alright, just got his bell rang. My friends dad calmed down to the point were I could actually go over to their house. His mom got really depressed and started taking anti depressants and one night I think she had too much pills and booze and they had to pump her stomach. My mom booted my dad out of the house, my dad went from sleeping in a 5 bedroom house, 2 car garage with a backyard and pool to sleeping in a small 1 bedroom apartment.

 

After the summer, my friends family moved. They left. Picked up and left and moved 800 miles across the country. And just like that. I lost my best friend. Not in a car crash, or terrible disease, or because we had a fallout.

 

But because of two dumb a$$ "adults" who couldn't keep their pants on.

 

As for my Mom and Dad, well she divorced him and got everything and half his *****, lol. And I never have, and never will ever forgive him for what he did.

 

So.... yeah, that pretty much sums up that.

 

Good luck too you.

[LaylaSings]

This is another one I've seen before.

Be original at least.

 

You do not know her at all clearly, she would have had to start her acting long before we met.

 

 

There is something in it for her- why would a woman expose her husband as she does unless there was- she may be covering for her own affair, you may be part of their sexual fantasy, or a few other scenarios, none of which bode well for you in the long run- for a minute, put your pride aside and look and listen to what people are trying to tell you- you need to prepare for what comes next-it will be difficult but if you start now by being honest with yourself you will be in a better position to heal and move forward when the bomb drops- good luck to you-

In it for her? It's confiding? That happened before the affair ever started of was even a thought, we both confide in each other like sisters would.. She just does more, she doesn't really have a filter.

At one point she thought he had feelings for me and she still complained about him to me a lot but didn't talk about me to him..

 

She loves him. Just has a very low sex drive and also doesn't find him very attractive she says. Theg are very incompatible in lots of ways but not in every way.

 

I do not think this is a situation where the wife knows and is pretending not to,

 

She knows he's capable of cheating. He has before.

 

She doesn't know about me and him and wouldn't be quiet about it if she did

Edited January 5, 2015 by LaylaSings

[LaylaSings]

Do you not think about what will happen to the kids when this crashes .They will be the ones to suffer the most .

 

Absolutely. It's what I think about most often. Keeps me up at night.

 

Keeos me from contacting him and initiating anything but I always am all in if he initiates.

[LaylaSings]

I think the OP originally posted asking if it was good or bad that she was best friend with OM wife and knew their family and interacted with them. She obviously has no intention of stopping this until she is caught and I think she knows shenisndestroying two families but does not care so any advice along those lines is not what she is looking for.

I have a feeling she thinks her husband will forgive her when he catches her. My opinion still is that he will feel more betrayed by her humiliating him by doing this with someone in their social circle. She does not care. So stop beating her up

 

My first original posts were actually about how terribly guilty I was feeling .. About a year ago, and wanting to end it.

[Sub]

Someyhing that rings very true is that we both have the capacity to desregard feelings of those we love yes we do. He does for sure. I know it needs to be ended and have just said im not ready to yet but I do know

Have you ever considered that if this is true - that he can "for sure" - that he would just do the same to you? I think it's at least a small ray of light to be aware of this. What gets a lot of people is the declarations of love for the BW - and even the MM - with this awareness.

[C0nfused117]

Put your big girl pants on and quit being passive aggressive and confess to your husband about your affair and let him decide his future and not some cheating, lying, manipulative woman.

 

You have ZERO respect for your husband, and your POS affair partner has ZERO respect for his wife.

 

Also, you people are crappy parents. Read my first post on this thread for a detailed reason why.

 

Grow up. Woman up. And wise up.

[anika99]

Wow. So... I've actually have first hand experience with this type of thing.

 

So.... Back when I was kid, about 16, sophomore year, I think it was actually the end of my sophomore year and going into summer. Anway's, My family (Mom, Dad,me, 1 little bro) were really great friends with another family (Mom, dad, 1 boy, 1 girl) The boy was one of my best friends all through my child hood. We played sports together and did all that jazz since we were kids, about 7 or 8. The two families were pretty close. The moms were good friends and the dads were good friends and the kids were all good friends.

 

Perfect little bunch.

 

Well, it all came crashing down.

 

I got home one day, after baseball practice to find a bunch of stuff on the lawn in trashbags.

 

My dads stuff, lol. And I was like, "Hey mom, um..... What's up".

 

She said, "oh well your father has been ****ing his best friends wife for the past year and he's moving out. Today"

 

I called my Best friend of course and he answered and told me that his dad had beat the **** outta my dad at the gym earlier that day, knocked him out cold lol. He said his mom has been crying in their room.

 

My dad was alright, just got his bell rang. My friends dad calmed down to the point were I could actually go over to their house. His mom got really depressed and started taking anti depressants and one night I think she had too much pills and booze and they had to pump her stomach. My mom booted my dad out of the house, my dad went from sleeping in a 5 bedroom house, 2 car garage with a backyard and pool to sleeping in a small 1 bedroom apartment.

 

After the summer, my friends family moved. They left. Picked up and left and moved 800 miles across the country. And just like that. I lost my best friend. Not in a car crash, or terrible disease, or because we had a fallout.

 

But because of two dumb a$$ "adults" who couldn't keep their pants on.

 

As for my Mom and Dad, well she divorced him and got everything and half his *****, lol. And I never have, and never will ever forgive him for what he did.

 

So.... yeah, that pretty much sums up that.

 

Good luck too you.

 

 

Wow, I'm so sorry that happened to you and your family. Your mom must have been crushed. The way she filled you in on the news was perhaps not the best, but I admire her strength and that she set such a good example of what kind of behavior should not be tolerated.

 

 

I wish Layla would take your post to heart, because it really is the kids in this situation who will pay the biggest price and suffer the greatest loss.

[Friskyone4u]

Layla

If you wanted to end it you would . You are an intelligent adult woman, not a drug addict or junkie. you have every right to do whatever you want to so I at least am not judging you.

I just think you are searching for answers that will help you and give you some magic bullet on how to extricate yourself from this situation but can't.

If you are posting in other forums where other woman in affairs support each other you are just getting positive reinforcement and understanding which is soothing for your emotions but does not solve your problem

There will be no ending it without pain because NC is usually one of major imperatives to end an affair , and because of your social interactions you cannot just walk in and tell your husband that you will no longer interact with the family of OM without a reason. So you are stuck in this circle of trying to stop without NC. Most acknowledge that this is especially hard for women who are usually more emotionally involved.

So it seems there are only two possible ways out for you, and it truly is understandable if you really want to end it why it is so difficult. Either you have to confess and that may end you marriage and will certainly end your friendship with wife of OM. She will hate you forever. The second optin is you continue until you get caught . In my opinion that will certainly still end your friendship but will also have an even greater chance of ending your marriage. No easy choice to be sure.

If the situation was reversed, how would you feel if your husband brought his AP regularly into your home or sat at social interactions with you clueless. While all affairs are not good , that is I think a little harder to digest than if it is a stranger because there are multiple betrayals.

So you should not be judged but you should expect that anything is going to solve your issue here without pain for you, which right now you cannot face.